Self Abandonment: What It is and How to Stop Doing It

I arrived at the funeral in jeans. It was an informal affair in a park and billed as a celebration of life. But everyone else showed up in black. Little black dresses, tall black heels, black suits and dark sunglasses that hid the black disapproval in their eyes.

At least, that’s what the embarrassed, doubting thoughts in my head told me. I had to make a decision. Go on with it or run away and send flowers later.

What makes a full-grown adult feel like a misbehaving toddler? Why would my actions revolve around someone else’s approval? 

While everyone has their moments of doubt, it’s the motive that makes the difference between rethinking a decision and a bad case of self-abandonment.

What is self-abandonment?

The learned behavior of self-abandonment is when we choose to abandon what we think or want or need in favor of keeping others happy or remaining in good standing with our friends.

It’s when we morph into whoever we need to be to keep the status quo. 

For example, do you regularly…

• Tend to people please so that others will like you?
• Take the blame when things go wrong so no one gets upset?
• Give way to others’ opinions because they know better?
• Ignore your values so others think you are more like them?
• Change your plans to fit others’ schedules?
• Wish there was a group called Overthinkers Anonymous?
• Hide your feelings to the point you claim to not have any?
• Have codependent relationships that are all about the other guy?
• Expect yourself to be perfect and beat yourself up when you are not?
• Keep your thoughts to yourself because they aren’t good enough to share?
• Feel like a chameleon in a group, changing colors to blend in as you move through the room?

Notice the internal thoughts behind the actions. The habit is to put everyone else’s perceived needs ahead of yours to the point you, yourself, vanish. It’s not peer pressure, it’s internal pressure.

How do you learn self-abandonment?

We all grow up dealing with other people’s expectations. How to work with our hairstyles, what colors look good on us, and how to make the perfect grilled cheese sandwich are part of the flotsam we gleaned as we grew up. Even what we were “supposed” to wear to a funeral.

None of that is unusual, or harmful. 

But children navigate an uncertain world and depend on the adults in their lives to fill their core needs. If the adults are not forthcoming in the areas of love, attention, affection or validation, children will work hard to get it.

Sometimes, instead of giving love, attention and validation, those adults will require it of the child instead. For example, a parent may require the child to be very smart before they give them validation. Or they may withhold affection unless a child is perfectly behaved or stays out of sight and out of the way. 

Sometimes, when a child dares to ask for their own needs, they are met with disapproval, scorn or even punishment. Sometimes, their personal interests or dreams are met with laughter and teasing from peers. The tickle of embarrassment is painful, and it feels much safer to simply keep the attention on anyone else but us.

And so, the child learns to push their own needs aside and give other people what they want. They suppress their needs, feelings and worth, and these patterns continue into adulthood in the form of self-abandonment. 

How to stop abandoning yourself

Self-abandonment is a learned behavior that can be unlearned. Any habit formed in our childhood will take time and deliberate action to change, but the rewards of learning how to show up for yourself include the ability to live an authentic and joyful adult life.                                     

To unlearn abandoning yourself and instead learn to trust yourself, focus on the areas of self-care, self-exploration, and self-expression.

Finally loving yourself:

• Replace the negative statements in your head with positive affirmations. Remind yourself that you are loved and treat yourself in your own love language, whether that means posting notes of encouragement to yourself on your desk or taking yourself to the spa.
• Treat yourself with compassion when you make a mistake and learn from it. Practice quieting the automatic critical thoughts and ask instead what other options you might have to reach success. Eventually, you’ll be able to admit, correct and laugh about mistakes instead of letting them define you.
• Practice the art of gratitude. Find ten things to be grateful for every day. The fastest way to feel better about yourself is to reach out and volunteer or offer help to others in need.

Understanding you:

• Speak to someone you trust. A therapist can help you untangle your past and make sense of who you are and why you learned to abandon yourself. Making peace with the actions of adults from your childhood frees you to be a generous adult now.
• Take the time to explore what you want, think and need. It’s been so long since you’ve asked, you may need to try some things to be certain. What did you give up for the sake of others? Dust off those old dreams and discover the joy they bring.
• Go through your current list of relationships. Are there a couple that need to be terminated? If someone is toxic, you need to remove them so you can get healthy. Are there a few who love you for you and support you? Ask them to remind you to stand up for yourself when they see you slip into the old behaviors.  

Find your voice:

• Be your own advocate and speak up. Practice asking for something, no matter how small at first, and don’t stop asking until you get it. You are worth the effort it takes to ask and you are worth the effort others take to answer.
• When someone oversteps, learn how to set boundaries and don’t be shy about maintaining them. Self-respect gains respect from others. Boundaries will need shifting around at first until you know where the healthiest lines should be drawn.
• Make a decision. All by yourself. Start small. Follow through no matter what. Practice going against the friction you feel when someone challenges your opinion or decision. That momentary fear is nothing compared to the validation of moving autonomously through the world as an independent adult.