Why You Shouldn't “Type” Your Crush in the Early Days of Dating

When you start hitting it off with someone new, your first instinct, especially if you're into personality psychology, is to figure out their type. It’s natural to want to know who this person is and whether you're compatible. But while there are benefits to decoding someone’s personality early on, there’s also a strong case for not getting carried away.

Early-stage dating is like a hall of mirrors—everything is slightly distorted, including what they show you and what you project onto them. If you label someone by date three, you risk not seeing who they actually are, and for several reasons. Here’s why you should put those personality labels on ice, according to science.

Everyone Is “Faking Good”

All of us put our best foot forward when we meet someone we’re into. We’re extra polite, we laugh more, we do our best to hide our insecurities. What you’re seeing is a curated version of your date, not the real them.

In theory, this is exactly when personality typing should be useful. If you can spot someone’s core traits early, you should be able to predict compatibility and, therefore, make an educated prediction on whether the relationship will last. But research suggests it doesn’t work that way. 

One major matchmaking study found that a person’s Big Five traits at the start of the relationship had zero impact on whether the couple was still dating three months later. Researchers attribute this to “compensatory social behavior,” where people adjust how they act to override their natural tendencies. Introverts want to be seen as warm and social, so they initiate more. Neurotic individuals want to appear calm and self-assured, so they swallow their anxieties with their Negroni.  

Some people take this to extremes. Psychologists call them “high self-monitors,” and studies show that they strategically adjust their behavior to match what they think a potential partner wants to see. It’s the classic move of suddenly loving hiking because your crush does, when your usual cardio is walking to the fridge.

“Pretty Person” Bias

Even if your date is completely authentic, your judgment can still be skewed if you find them attractive. Across cultures, we consistently project positive traits onto physically attractive people. 

Specifically, research shows that we perceive good-looking people as more Extraverted and less Neurotic. Attractive men are generally seen as more Open (curious, imaginative, artistic, emotionally expressive), and attractive women are seen as more Conscientious (reliable, disciplined, taking obligations seriously). Attractive faces are also judged as more trustworthy. So you’re not really “typing” your date at that point—you’re mostly typing how attracted you are. 

There is a twist, though. Some research suggests we’re actually better at reading the personalities of people we find attractive—at least in one specific way. In one study, participants rated their partners on attractiveness and their Big Five traits, and those ratings were compared to how the partners rated themselves. Researchers found that when someone was attractive, participants tended to overestimate all of their positive traits. But they were still fairly accurate about how those traits compared to each other.

In other words, if someone is only somewhat organized and a little generous, you might see them as very organized and very generous. But still correctly pick up that they’re more organized than generous.

The Trap of Confirmation Bias

Once you assign a personality label, you stop observing personality objectively. One classic study found that once we have an expectation about someone, we interpret everything they do, no matter how ambiguous, through the lens of that expectation. For example, if you’ve labeled your date a charming Extravert, you might brush off their flirting with the waitress as “just being friendly with everyone,” rather than a potential red flag.

On top of that, your assumptions about someone’s personality can push them to act exactly how you expect them to. In one study, participants who believed they were interviewing either an Extravert or Introvert unconsciously steered the conversation to confirm that belief. They asked “Extravert” questions like “How do you liven things up at a party?” or “Introvert” questions like “Do you ever feel left out?” Those prompts then led the other person to answer in ways that fit the label, making the initial assumption look true, even if it wasn’t. It’s a classic self-fulfilling prophecy.

This plays out in dating all the time. If you decide your crush is “ambitious,” you’ll ask about their goals and achievements. They’ll respond accordingly, leaning into that identity to impress you. What you see isn’t necessarily who they are; it’s what the interaction is pulling out of them.

Why It Matters to Date the Person, Not the Label

So, why does it matter if you’re a little obsessed with figuring out your crush’s personality? If you already have a system for typing them, why not use it? The problem is that it can sabotage the relationship in a few key ways:

• Closing your eyes to red flags: You might find yourself rationalizing toxic behavior or obvious incompatibilities because you’ve already decided they’re your ideal type, or at least a compatible one. For example, you might tell yourself, “They’re a classic ENFP, so I’m sure they’ll grow out of being flaky,” instead of recognizing that they’re simply unreliable—or just not that into you.
• Discarding good people too early: You could end up closing the door on people who aren’t your “theoretical” perfect love match, but might actually be a great fit in real life. For instance, writing someone off as “too introverted” after one date could mean missing out on a strong connection with someone who just takes longer to open up.
• Sapping the joy out of dating: When you spend your time mentally cross-referencing your crush’s behavior against a checklist, trying to pin down their type, you’re not really experiencing the person in front of you. It’s the equivalent of watching a concert through your phone while missing the in-person energy of the gig.  And ironically, simply staying present and observant would likely give you far more accurate insight than running a constant internal analysis.

Final Words

As tempting as it is to psychoanalyze your crush early on, science says your best move is to hit pause. Let first impressions settle and let time do its thing. In the meantime, when you catch yourself thinking, “They are so ISTJ (or whatever)” pause and ask: is that a fact—or just what I want to see? You don’t know who they are yet, and that’s the entire point. Lean into the mystery, because getting to find out is the most fun part of the ride.