10 Things an INTJ Could Learn About Romance

INTJ's are not known for placing a lot of emphasis on romance. We embody the suppression of emotion, not the expression of it. We can be so matter-of-fact and hard-headed that it's difficult to imagine us doing something as frivolous as falling in love.

At the same time, we want a relationship. We know that we're pretty darned outstanding as relationship material, just too awkward to play the dating game.

Is there a way around this conundrum? Luckily, there is. Here are some tips to help the socially-challenged INTJ navigate the turbulent waters of romance, whatever the status of their relationship.

1. Words matter

INTJs inhabit a world that resembles Downton Abbey - cold on the outside, but there's always something spicy percolating beneath. Problem is, we have not yet developed any sort of vocabulary to describe what's going on in our hearts. It's not cheap for us to love someone, and we're often fearful of attaching value to mere "feelings" in case they turn out to be fleeting. Most INTJs won't admit to caring for someone until they are completely sure it's genuine. By then our feelings are so obvious to us that we don't think they're worth mentioning.

This lack of vocabulary can make other people feel incredibly insecure. Affectionate words go a long way for many, especially Feelers, who need verbal encouragement to feel good about the relationship. So grit your teeth and whisper those sweet nothings if you want your partner to know that you care.

2. Actions speak louder than words

The old adage, "show, don't tell," is crucial to nailing romance. You might think that chivalry is demeaning, but your date or partner requires action that comes from the heart. You don't have to drape your cloak over a puddle, but a little hand-holding, cheek kissing or breakfast in bed can make all the difference.

3. Some people actually celebrate Valentine's Day

INTJs are the least likely of all the personality types to remember sentimental events such as birthdays and holidays because we don't see the point of these traditions. As we are repeatedly shot down, we come to recognize that celebrations are, in fact, relevant to the rest of the world. So for goodness sake, remember your anniversary. And book a table on Valentine's Day.

4. Game plans only work when you're playing chess

INTJs notoriously approach dating the way they approach most situations - with a game plan. Rather than falling head over heels for the nearest warm body, we construct a well-defined image of our ideal partner, break the dating process down into a series of actionable milestones, then proceed to execute the plan with laser-sharp focus. Strategy in place, we're ready to woo. Mission: find a life partner.

Shockingly, other people may not fall in line with this system. Partners and dates want to know they are attractive, respected and loved for who they are without all the wrangling, controlling and mind games. Painful as it is, you've got to play with the other person, not manipulate them like pawns on a chessboard.

5. A date is not an interview

INTJs famously require a mate of the mind - someone clever, preferably genius, and independent enough to stand up to the INTJ's formidable intellect. Most INTJs will figure out very quickly whether someone makes the grade. If not, the INTJ will waste no time on further courtship. We are through with the interloper. We will not look back.

To make a fair assessment, an INTJ typically will bombard their date with the "big" questions. And by big, I mean the sort of complex, probing, no-stone-left-unturned questions you get asked at an interview. We think we are nailing down our date's personality and suitability this way. In fact, we're killing the buzz 90 percent of the time.

How to proceed? Lighten up. Ask your date what kind of music they like (movies, books, food.) Everyone has an opinion on these subjects. Your date won't feel stressed talking about their favorite meal. If your date is a poor conversationalist or displays terribly bad taste, cut your losses. But if the conversation naturally veers off at a tangent and throws up all sorts of delicious morsels, then you've probably struck gold. And you didn't even ask your date about their life goals.

6. Sometimes, you've just got to go for it

INTJ's score high on the Judging scale, which means they like to have things decided. However, this only occurs when we've made up our minds. Until then, we are flexible and open to new information. This is a problem, because we have a tendency to spend a ridiculous amount of time studying the ins and outs of relationships - knotty issues like our feelings, whether the flames of passion are burning, and the significance of it all. Intimacy can burn rather slowly until we've sorted everything out. By then, the object of our affection will have lost interest. So hurry it up already. In a cautious world, seizing the moment is undeniably romantic and sexy.

7. No one likes haughty

If you want to destroy romance, be sure to think of yourself as smarter, more intuitive, more conscientious, more rational and more important than your date. Cross examine them and challenge their assumptions. Always strive to be right, even if it crushes your significant other. Don't worry about the personal cost of your attitude, and never give anyone a break.

8. Sometimes you have to be selectively blind

INTJs are known for plain-speaking. We say what's on our minds. We are blunt and unrelenting critics. We tell our partners where they've gone wrong and we fix false assumptions. Who cares about the touchy-feely stuff? We like the truth.

A little constructive criticism is healthy in a relationship, but too much can be very damaging. You'll upset and alienate your beloved if you consistently point out their shortcomings. If the romance is new, constant nitpicking is extremely annoying and unattractive. So curb the sarcasm and offer up compliments if you want them to fall into your arms.

9. Practicality is NOT romantic

Things that have a practical application, like toasters and screwdrivers and REASON are not romantic. Flowers, coyness, giggling, flirtation and frilly things that look pretty on the dresser are romantic. It's safe to say that an INTJ did not make this rule.

For the rest of the world, the non-practical stuff is half the fun of a relationship. Luckily, you are intuitive when it comes to the people you care about. You are skilled at designing romantic getaways and thoughtful gifts that are somehow quirky, yet exactly what the other person wants to receive. So do that. Regularly. Just don't bother with the flirting. Your partner will think that you're constipated.

10. Romance requires routine maintenance

You change the oil in your car because you don't take its smooth running for granted. Neither should you take your date or partner for granted. All relationships need regular servicing and care. Take advantage of the special position you occupy and enjoy adding pleasure to your significant other's life. Even if they don't reciprocate, your life will be so much richer with all that lovely romance swooshing round.

How has romance fuelled the flames in your relationship? Feel free to share any successes or horror stories in the comments below!

Jayne Thompson

Jayne is a freelance copywriter, business writing blogger and the blog editor here at Truity. One part word nerd, two parts skeptic, she helps writing-challenged clients discover the amazing power of words on a page. Jayne is an INTJ and lives in Yorkshire, UK with her ENTJ husband and two baffling children. Find Jayne at White Rose Copywriting.


Guest (not verified) says...

This article had me laughing to myself. A lot of it is bang on!

Fortunately, I married an ENTJ ;)

M.T (not verified) says...

Man same here, I couldn’t stop laughing about my mistakes!!!, i have a crush on another INTJ but I don’t know how to get her interested...

AJG (not verified) says...

That is a problem (I have the same one). I’ve been interested in an INTJ guy for awhile now and I am one myself. But with us INTJs, there’s no flirting. So my method tends to be just stare at the person (only until they notice) and find excuses to be around them, but also I have the tendency to want to hide any indication that I like someone. I’m pretty sure he knows something is going on, but I’m not going to do anything about it, and I doubt he will. Can’t even tell if he’s interested. Just that he can tell that I’m being weird around him. But who knows. I’m oblivious so maybe it’s super obvious to everyone but me. But then again, he’s also an INTJ so...

GirlyINTJ (not verified) says...

You are probably a fairly young INTJ. I acted like you before. Now a few relationships later, I go straight for the kill. If I ever start to chat with a guy, I ask him to coffee after 1 week so I can know if we are compatible right the way. If yes, I will continue to see him. If not, I move on to the next potential date. I also understand girls want to wait for guys to make the first move. This is why I chatted with an INTJ guy for over 6 weeks but he never asked me out, except to a group discussion after 4 weeks. lol It is the best for you both to cut the chase and meet him for coffee or study group because it is better to find out the answer sooner.

Somebody named Paul (not verified) says...

Thanks for the great article, Jayne. The more I learn about my INTJ personality type, the more I wonder how I ever attracted a wife in the first place, let alone kept her for over 37 years so far. Unfortunately, I am about as romantic as a cactus and continually struggle in that area. It only recently occurred to me that being more kind, sensitive, and loving are so difficult because such things go against my very nature. It's hard work.

nikkiwatson (not verified) says...

As a wife of an INTJ- I can tell you, we notice how difficult it is and we appreciate your efforts even more :)

INTJ WOMAN!! (not verified) says...

Oh my word! I can totally relate! I'm one of the rare INTJ women of this world. And growing up I can remember being highly extroverted and feeling. But after hitting puberty I guess that's when I really came into my true personality type. And I got stuck with the least desirable one of all for a women, INTJ.

Time passed and I came to accept it, using it to my advantage to study others and to learn about the different behaviors of other people. I was single when my true personality type was revealed. As of yesterday that has changed and I'm finding myself worried that I won't be able to be the warm girlfriend that my beau deserves. How an extroverted, feeling, man like him ever started having feelings for me completely blows my mind.

I will say the grand adventures that we've already had have been incredible, so spontaneous yet somewhat thought out. He's my best friend, and deep down I feel for him. After reading this article I know that it's okay if I don't respond right away, but that I need to come out of my shell and live life without magic formulas. I don't want to come across as pretending to feel, because that would be dishonoring. I just need to learn how to get those feeling that are buried deep to the surface.

M.T (not verified) says...

Hope it worked out well, i am a guy and I cannot relate to your comment more, i was so emotionally unstable, i thought that some how would have helped me with girls, but after i read this article i had a lot of laughter about all my mistakes, i have a crush on an INTJ women actually, but i got blocked, now i have to win her trust back, which is so hard!, any advices synce you are an INTJ women ?

Kay (not verified) says...

As an INTJ female I would say step one, don’t deny your error. Anie up to your mistake and then quickly change the subject to trade wars or micobioms. I’m not a big fan of two INTJs in a relationship. Although their is always engaging conversations, we don’t balance each other out and frankly, I would think it would eventually turn into a competition. Move on Bro and explore an F type or E that will take you to places you’ve not been.

GirlyINTJ (not verified) says...

I don't think INTJ women are undesirable in dating. We are just not interested to connect with most guys. I had some relationships. Guys find me attractive. It is really that I am not interested or I was too busy with my study or work.

Candice (not verified) says...

Hi I just wanted to reach out to you after reading your comment because I am and INFJ that has recently stumbled upon a book called Mars and Venus on a Date by John Gray  and I think you would like it because it clearly delineates a step-by-step formula for dating and I read somewhere that it is helpful for INTJs to know what to say and how to turn a phrase. It also clearly articulate what women actually hear when you say things.In a way it demystifies women… No easy task for any man Good Luck btw in true INFJ form… I have a strong intuition that if you read the Mars and Venus study them like a text book and apply in the principals in a predictable timeframe your love life will transform  in a way that feels comfortable and authentic for you  as well as your partner.  Sidenote practicality is greatly appreciated by some of us as long as it is conveyed with finesse for some women especially feminine ones it makes us feel safe and well provided for.

Ted L (not verified) says...

Jayne -

First off, excellent analysis! I think you are spot on (at least with how romance works with me). As you alluded to in the first bullet, I also maintain that burning passion for romance, but keep it locked in tight within the constraints of reason and logic. A couple of things have helped me along the way which may be useful to others. The "romantic" stuff to someone is much easier for me to write than speak. (Naturally, I can edit what I write before they receive it). As my total interaction - especially with a new romantic interest - can be itemized as a series of "if, then" statements, writing frees me of some of the uncertainties (or the "I need to change tactics right now")of a conversation. And, especially when written by hand it can be romantic.

For a "date", I try to do something with them first before a dinner. Maybe a walk along the water with them or a visit to a zoo. This helps build conversation material that I can use to keep her from getting bored!

I chuckled at your comments in number 4. Basically, "Seek, find, and secure". Quite guilty. It is so much easier to just identify milestones and work toward them - changing only the conditions, but keeping the task and desired end state the same :-). You mean that doesn't work?

Overall, I really enjoyed reading this and recognizing so much of the "don't dos" in me. So in light of that, as a follow-on (maybe the "day after Valentine's edition"?) you could write something that shows some ways the INTJ can best handle a break-up when they are not ready for one? I think logic and reason help us more than other personality types, but once that outer shell is pierced, it can be difficult to mend in a timely manner. It looks like I may need that!

Christi (not verified) says...

"Just don't bother with the flirting. Your partner will think that you're constipated."
Oh yeah, so glad I figured that out. Flirting always felt so artificial; I never could make sense of it!

Ronnie (not verified) says...

...and for the INTJ female, romance seem to be 10,000 times harder.

BoredINTJ at 1AM (not verified) says...

Silly, silly article. I find the title annoying and abrasive, to be honest. What is the imperative to LEARN about romance? And who are you to instruct me on or any other INTJ on the topic? Most INTJs don't want to be told anything especially not by a bossy ENTJ type. While you state that you are an INTJ, you come across much more like an ENTJ director (either that or you are a Type 8 INTJ). It reminds me of the Monty Python skit, The Grim Reaper and the Reaper's admonishment that "You Americans are all alike... You like to point fingers at people and say... Let me tell you something... " Really? Maybe this stuff is news to some, but I think most self reflective INTJs know these things about themselves already.

Perhaps a better article could be written to non-INTJs who have unrealistic, romantic expectations of their INTJ partner. You know, most INTJs are not going are not going to change significantly in this regard. And if a non INTJ is intimidated from our high intelligence (or if they cannot match it) they probably shouldn't date us. Less intelligent partners bore me to tears. I wouldn't even pursue such a relationship. It would not work for me. Intelligence is the ultimate aphrodisiac. I might be selective, but that doesn't make me a snob!

Please keep in mind that some people are more highly evolved, have done more psychological work and therefore have become more integrated over time. This is a statement of fact and not an argument for elitism. It should not be assumed that your readership is 'know nothing' INTJs that require instruction. Maybe that's your targeted audience. But this form of instruction is a 'hard sell' because most INTJs are self reflective, sensitive and critical of their faults. They probably have a better sense of themselves than most types. Therefore, a strategy to communicate using gross generalizations is not going to be effective at reaching a large audience. PersonalityJunkie does a much better jon in that regard, informing rather than preaching or instructing. For example, this article's statement: "we [INTJs] have not yet developed any sort of vocabulary to describe what's going on in our hearts." is not true for ALL INTJs. I am in touch with my feelings and I can express them quite well. It's not my natural 'go to' or preference, however, I have developed my feeling side over the years to the point that I sometimes test INFJ. INTJ behavior can be context specific. Respecting your INTJ readership means respecting individual differences and stages of development.

Let me offer another perspective. I feel quite comfortable with my relationship to romance as an INTJ. I am not born a romantic. And I do not plan to become one any time soon. It hasn't been an issue with any of my partners either. We are okay with not celebrating Valentine's Day. We find ways to be intimate in our own ways and on our own terms. Secondly, it would be inaccurate to say that INTJs are awkward with the dating game. Rather, it would be more fair to say, we don't to play the "dating game". It's stupid and unnecessary. The establishment of mature, adult intimate relationships between two consenting adults does not require game playing. INTJs are not incompetent idiots when it comes to romance. INTJs don't value to superficial elements and rituals that men and women go through to make it into the bedroom. We have integrity and personal values and high standards to which we follow.

I also have a problem with grand generalizations made about all INTJs because inevitably you will find exceptions. Perhaps it was an attempt to be lighthearted and humorous, however, it should be acknowledged that people are not Myers-Briggs types. People are individuals. And if an INTJ is really having that much difficulty in the relationship department maybe they should seek out therapy rather than consult a blog article.

When I read that INTJs are no good at flirting, I have to laugh. I am the greatest flirt around. Most people consider me a natural. I have not had difficulties in engaging with men. Chalk it up to self confidence and comfort with my own sexuality. I also have a dry sense of humor which some people do not appreciate or find appealing. To each their own. How about embracing and celebrating differences rather than trying to get other people to fit a mold or an ideal that no real human being can meet?

There is virtue in authenticity, integrity, honesty and humility. If people can't appreciate me for who I am, I'd rather not pursue a relationship with them. People need to feel comfortable in their own skin rather than feel they need to do contortions or 'shapeshift' in order to conform to social norms. Most INTJs would agree, I believe.

Guest (not verified) says...

Yes!! I love this!!! Spot on!!! (the article...I didn't love)

Guest (not verified) says...

I agree. I'm sick of trying to change and 'fit in' so I can have relationships, yet eventually feel that my partner is not doing any change to 'fit in' with me. I end up feeling uncomfortable and unloved with the whole charade and get very stressed then bail out, not to return. How hard is it to find some who accepts you for who you are long term?

Lol (not verified) says...

You are not an INTJ. You are an INFJ with a strong T.
Any INTJ who says he is a big flirt and already understood his intra-psychology world and actually managed to perfectly communicate inter personal behavioural rules with his partner (aka explain that valentine is stupid etc) is NOT INTJ.

Also, I am pretty sure that if you met an INTJ, they would annoy you to hell. (Because most of them, and all that I have met so far) are very close to the description given in this article.

FaithP (not verified) says...

OMG! Perfectly said. I can play the part of other Myers-Briggs anytime I choose to, easy cheesy, because I've watched them all and know how they work, and if I need to I will in a work situation but NEVER with a relationship I want to work. And the romance "GAME" why play it at all? Stupid Im gonna get you these cheap ass chocolates so I can get into your pants. WOW what an original gift or idea I'm sure their originality pretty much stops there as well! THAT'S why we don't play the "games". To much trouble for no reward. I know what I bring to the table and I'm ok eating alone and anyone joining me better be able to respect me, talk to me on a level bigger than how is the weather! Being able to have deep meaningful conversations with the right person is way better than cheap gifts that go in the trash in a few days. And about flirting, I can flirt in ways that will make someone think they left the planet. Why because Im an INTJ and I know them better than they know themselves.

Christamcday (not verified) says...

This is freakn awesomely hilarious left the planet, hell yeah bring it baby:)

ISTJ (not verified) says...

Spoken like an INTJ that wants to be right rather than listen and build bridges with others.  Thankful I found one unlike this!

Kay (not verified) says...

Most other personality types probably would not have read your blog post. I think that your confidence and intelligence truely speak to us INTJ’s. Well said

BoredINTJ at 1AM (not verified) says...

#6 should read INTJ rather than INFJ, though I suppose for the sake of argument it could be said to apply to both. It would be inaccurate to say that INTJs score high on J....udging. Not always. I used to score high on J as an INTJ, now I am pretty balanced between P and J. This is another example where gross generalizations are not particularly helpful and may lead to confusion.

I'd also add that "hurry it up already" is an intolerant ENTJ like comment. INTJ process much differently than, let's say an ENTJ. That difference should be honored. What's wrong with enjoying the process? People can conversely be impulsive and make bad judgments in areas of romance. Nothing sexy or romantic about an unwanted sexual encounter, pregnancy or marriage. I guess one of the things I take greatest pride in as an INTJ is the ability to make excellent decisions. I rarely regret the decisions I make because of the thought and analysis that I put into it. I would not say that about a lot of other types. There is virtue in deliberation and thoughtfulness, especially when it comes to relationships and their importance in our lives.

Guest (not verified) says...

I agree completely that a different process must be honoured. But, sometimes, INTJs take this too far. It is right to be cautious before entering a relationship. It is also right that some objective criteria needs to be evaluated to determine compatibility before entering into a relationship. But, once the initial screening has taken place and most criteria met, only time spent with a person can help you gauge long-term compatibility. Turning it around in your own head for years, before making a move, is a colossal waste of time for all concerned. A relationship requires some level of nurture (I am an INTP, but even I know this) and a lack of ego and arrogance, specially in the initial stages. If you starve it, as you turn around scenarios in your mind, it will surely die. The "I'm so great and I know what is good for me" is self-defeating when it comes to INTJs and romance. INTJs are perfectly capable of cutting off their noses to spite their faces and that's why you need condescending blog posts to give you a perspective that you clearly lack.

anomalia (not verified) says...

Thanks for the article and thank you for this comment!
I am an INTJ WOMAN! what a course.
Man are often attracted by myself physically, but they get intimidated after 5 minutes of conversation.
Guess what? I met an Intj Man, and I fall completely for him (after accurate analysis of course)... but what a disaster! I have been liking him for 4 years now, and he has been challenging me and observing for all this time,but yet, we are not in a real relationship ( even if I know that we are getting slowly slowly slowly slowly closer).
Looking at my not-intj girls-friends, I often feel like I am emotional failure (of course on the intellectual side I beat them, but what for, if I am not able to touch the heart of the man i love the most on heart? Yeas, Love, exactly that! Amazing ah?
On top my intj man is a super male, and he doesn't want to be pursued.
I often feel like in a prison.

John Enfield (not verified) says...

This is an interesting article. As discussed in the article, and as lampooned on the television program 'The Big Bang Theory', romance is one of the most difficult challenges an INTJ may ever face. I'm in my 40's now and never had a girlfriend, not even a flirtatious relationship, with anyone until I was 30.

Even then, I would have never met her if my co-workers hadn't set me up. First, they had talked me into trying online dating which was an unmitigated disaster. I spent months on three different online dating sites trying to find anyone who might possibly be worth trying to date. I managed to find a few whose profiles suggested this. I think I corresponded (almost pen pal style) with nine or ten of them over that time period. Of those, only three kept it up long enough for me to somehow screw up the courage to ask them out on an actual date.

The first one turned out to be so focused on one of the subjects that I simply can't stand, politics, that it was nearly impossible to have a good conversation with her. That was all she wanted to talk about and my attempts at 'small talk' usually failed. For her part, she was almost as totally uninterested in what was then my passion, botany, as I was in her's. We had five or six dates before I finally gave up. I knew that it was time to give it up when she started talking about a guy she'd met at this presidential library where she volunteered (did I mention that she was obsessed with politics?). She clearly found him more interesting than she did me, so I broke up with her. It was painful, because I'd finally taken the huge risk of attempting a romantic relationship and it had fizzled miserably.

The second one seemed to be more interested in my work and hobbies, asking me lots of questions about it and encouraging me to tell all about the ups and downs of it.....at least on the website. When I finally met her for an actual date, she spent almost the entire time taking calls on her cell phone and talking to her friends. On the first date, she even brought along her best friend as a sort of group date. That she wasn't willing to trust me enough to meet her at a restaurant with it being just the two of us was my first red flag. Having the phone to her ear most of the time was the second. But, I was so hoping not to have a repeat of the first disaster and her online correspondence was so fun, that I tried to keep going. Then, after a few dates, I was involved in an auto accident that really hurt me. After I'd called 911, I called her and only got her voice mail. I left her a message saying what had happened. Then, I called my coworkers. They came immediately, even though they were further away, and helped me through it. I tried her again at the hospital and still got voicemail. She didn't call me back, not even the next day. When I finally got her to answer the phone a couple of days later, I wound up breaking up with her, letting her know that I had finally realized how low of a priority I was.

The third person I met online was the best yet. We had a ton of things in common: interests, growing up experiences, faith etc. I loved corresponding with her, and later on, talking with her on the phone. In fact, we are still friends and keep in touch on Facebook. The problem came when it came to attempting a physical date. She had her own business and her time was so consumed with that, that it was nearly impossible to make a date. After a couple of months, I realized that I'd always be second banana to her business.

After that, I gave up on the online dating scene. My coworkers felt bad that it had gone so poorly, so a few months later, the guy I worked with gave me the name and phone number of someone who was his wife's co-worker. It took me a few days to screw up the courage to even call her. When I finally did, I called her three times on three different days (even tried different times of day)and just got her voice mail. I almost gave up and tossed the post-it note with her number in the trash, but then I thought about how my co-workers had told me what a great person she was and how much we had in common, that I ought to try one more time.

She answered the phone that time and we talked for at least two hours. We spent the next two or three months talking on the phone at least once a week, sometimes three or four times a week. Each time, they were very lengthy calls, yet we never seemed to run out of things to talk about and even started sharing things that we never thought we'd ever tell anyone else about our problems, frustrations, dreams, regrets, etc.

I finally decided that she might actually be 'the one', so I asked her out on a dinner date. We wound up chatting over our meal from around 6 pm until the place closed. I'd never talked to anyone so much in my whole life, but I found that I actually enjoyed it. We dated for a little over two years, still living separately, much to the surprise of some of the people we knew (which appalled me, making me realize just how much morals had degraded these days), but spending as much time together as our schedules allowed. We both had weekends off and usually were off work before 5 pm, so that wound up being a lot of time together.

By the time I decided that I didn't want to spend the rest of my life without her, we'd gotten to know each other really well (both the good stuff and the not so attractive stuff). In fact, by then, we'd seen each other at both our best and our worst as we both had had big problems at work and in our family life by then. When I asked her to marry me, I was shocked at how comfortable I already was with her and that I wasn't nervous at all. I think I had already intuitively realized that she wanted to marry me before I even asked.

We've been married almost 10 years now. There have been ups and downs to be sure, but we've never fought and never tried to break up with each other. There have been disagreements, but both of us grew up being so adverse to fighting that we've always managed to resolve those disagreements without them degrading into anything hurtful.

She took the Meyers Briggs test in college as I had and it had said that she was INTP with a tendency more towards being extroverted than my test showed. So, we are enough alike that we can relate to each other, yet different enough that she makes up for my weaknesses and I make up for her's.

MB_VV (not verified) says...

That was beautiful. That gives me hope.

Female INTJ (not verified) says...

Although most of the things mentioned in this article touch upon genuine difficulties of INTJ's, it's equally important to point out that a significant subset of INTJ's don't experience this. A lot has been written about the ostensibly traumatic experiences of being an INTJ woman in the dating world. A distinction exists between the nature of people's dating experiences: in the realm of attraction, one tends to be a "generalist" or a "specialist." The first are your conventionally attractive people who charm a wide range of personalities; "specialists" or niche individuals, on the other hand, tend to be highly attractive to a small subset of people. As an INTJ female, most of my traits - be these strengths or weaknesses - have been extremely different from those of the majority of women. What I've found is that certain men look for these traits (usually INTJ or INTP men). The vast majority of men like these with whom I've interacted throughout life have at some point ended up romantically interested in me, and this whole notion of INTJ females having so much trouble with dating hasn't been confirmed by my actual experiences.

www.intjbytes.com (not verified) says...

Omg great article! Fellow INTJ female. Loved the sarcasm. This was perfect > "Rather than falling head over heels for the nearest warm body, we construct a well-defined image of our ideal partner, break the dating process down into a series of actionable milestones, then proceed to execute the plan with laser-sharp focus. Strategy in place, we're ready to woo. Mission: find a life partner."

JAMES CLARK (not verified) says...

It's funny how many women INTJ's complain, but have options to decide upon, and can enter into fulfilling relations. For men who are INTJ they are not as rare as female INTJ's but the pickins are even slimmer. I think that's because women no matter what type they are, will always have a steady stream of suitors, so it isn't as difficult to find a mate. Intj men have it a lot rougher since introverted thinking and judging men are almost NEVER pursued. INTJ women are on the other hand pursued, and that makes the dating world a hell of a lot simpler for them.

Sage102 (not verified) says...

this article really hit home, but I want to know this. Am I the only one that believes that we have really strong feelings actually and they are deep inside, protected and not on the surface for everyone to see. I don't believe in someone's feelings if they arise after just meeting a few times. It takes time to know someone for real, the depths, the different sides of a person. And it's not that I can't date, I know how to be someone's dreamgirl, I just can't as I would lose respect for myself.

Also I don't want to waste my time on some superficial shit, I want real raw loyalty. Know we are together. I don't want to tell someone what I feel for them. I want that person in my life who can read me like my thoughts are naked. Unable to hide. That's what thrills me.

You can say we are judging but if the judgement is usually right, I think we are good at reading people. the words, the gestures, the hair, the clothes, behavior everything. It's patterns and if it is considered genius when it comes to other things then why is t judging when it comes to human beings. I used to watch people during a job and tell a whole story about someone by looking at their shoes. I still do sometimes. So yeah if a guy comes up to me and opens his mouth to speak, and the words fit the mold and I realize I was even soft on him, because I'm sweet like that, I keep some space for you to change what I see, then I can't. I just goddamn can't waste my time. Especially when they fucking touch you on the arm or shoulder and you just cringe....

Could be just me, this typing thing, is hard to nail it exactly down.

Guest (not verified) says...

"Affectionate words go a long way for many, especially Feelers, who need verbal encouragement to feel good about the relationship." This is exactly what I needed to hear. For an INTJ, everything can be black and white. You're either a good match or you're not. And once you've established that, you're always right and if a partner needs encouragement, then you're not a good match.

Thankfully, we're smart enough to realize that's probably not how the world works. Feelers need to feel good about the relationship, and that won't happen if INTJs get locked in our roles as cold, somewhat distant logicians who expect a love "set up" to just run smoothly because we invested so much on the front end. Relationships with feelers need constant maintenance and spontaneity.

judichelmollejon (not verified) says...

it's a struggle for me choosing a partner because I'm an INTJ. The article is true. It would take time for me to choose a loved one or romantic partner. OMG.

intj(fe)iron (not verified) says...

Hmmmm. Interesting. Comments were entertaining. I love intj intellectual drama, no other existence quite like it to achieve a release from a mundane itch. I thoroughly enjoyed reading the vulnerability in posts, quite courageous to put your thoughts laid out even if inaccurately perceiving the multi-purpose of articles attempting to achieve in a diverse public internet sphere. Attractive article. Currently pursuing the plunge into ENFJ pool and reflect on losing all I know and just drown.

Janainthegarden (not verified) says...

Am I supposed to change ENTIRELY in order to find a man then? No thanks!:-) I'm INTJ-A young woman, attractive enough to always have guys talking to me when I'm out. I have a good job, starting my PhD. What if I actually AM more intelligent, driven, passionate than any of them. Should I go for less? I like my own company, I don't need children. 

If I met an ENTJ whom I would consider as equal and could see us achieving great things together or loyal ENFP who would take care of the children while I'm focusing on other things then probably yes. 

But I think I will be alone and that's ok as I'm on the way achieving my goals. Guys like more extroverted women, ideally a bit more stupid than they are. There is so much more to be said but what's the point, we all know the reality.

Keith Hays says...

So according to this article, we should just all become a bunch of ESFP's. Awesome!! That would be completely fake and I would be attracting someone I most likely wouldn't want to be around.  I tend to think if we are going to apply personality to relationships, we might as well focus on finding people we natually like being around rather than pretending to be something we aren't.  

Keith Hays says...

I didn't read everyone else's comments until after I wrote mine. I am glad to see other INTJ's see this in a similiar way.

Dianna (not verified) says...

I am an isfj dating an intj. We have been dating for the last three years and I only just found out that he is an intj!! And our S and T really clash quite a lot. :/ I am determined to work it out so I have to compromise more. 

Wow (not verified) says...

INTJ female here. I just started reflecting on how I respond in these situations... I'm unqualified to date. I sent a link to a guy who wanted to date me because he wanted to correct me before checking. NOT GOOD.

Then someone outside my social class contacts me and I HAD to go ahead and get all logical and tell him I'm not the woman for him. He must know me and what he wants because he asked me to call him. I did. -That caught me by surprise.

Then these other two...one was obviously a narcissist. The other...IDK what but didn't give them a chance. A other one a successful lawyer but has BPD or emotionally immature- fun af though. 

Thank you for this. Maybe I'll find a great partner and debater. lol

Guest (not verified) says...

Shy INTJ male here. I think this is the worst combination.



Guest (not verified) says...

Wow Jayne!!! This is so crystal clear!! Gosh only if I had found out I was an INTJ sooner.

INTJ and Love It (not verified) says...

I need to check to se if you've written a post about how other MBTI types can better get along in romance and otherwise with INTJ's. As an INTJ female I always have someone telling me how I should be more like this and more like that ....YAWN. Now that I'm grown enough to know that's the M.O. of a typical extroverted feeler type, I now disregard the input of flaky extroverts who believe if everyone were like them the world would be a perfect place. This blog post is laughable at best.

DatingCoach (INTJ) (not verified) says...

Laughsome article! XD INTJs don't automatically suck at romance.

I am a dating coach and I have an exceptionally well developed INTJ personality (lower functions well developed, including + healthy shadow functions). 

While it's true that when I was younger, I was clueless about romance... Over the course of time I figured out how attractions exactly works and even wrote the universal translator between masculine and feminine individuals which always work. No matter the type of couple (hetero, gay, lesbo).

For example, when a woman says "she is fine" when she is not, it's her test to see if the man cares enough to open her up emotionally with presence and action. If the man doesn't open her up, ignoring her instead - she becomes pissed off and say things like to bring away the trash, etc... But what she is actually pissed off at the weakness of the man, that caused her to go in her masculine (which she doesn't like) and if prolonged over time, the sexual polarity will fade away.

As INTJ I still put low priority on romance and flirting, preferring logic and strategical planning. But I'm still amazing at romance and flirting, when the situation calls it. 

So don't automatically assume that INTJs need romance lesson. Not all INTJs are the same. 

I wish you a great day!



Lucas (not verified) says...

Some of this is on-target but some of it is a bit wide of the mark.  I married a woman who I simply realised was who I could trust, would be a fantastic mother, a great lover but to be blunt is not the most intelligent woman I have ever met.  I figured the chances of meeting another woman who ticked so many boxes AND was really intelligent was so slim I had better make a move and here we are 19 years later having a great time.  Her love of crappy TV, cooking shows, horrible cheezy books and facebook is something I just accept is part of the fantastic deal it has turned out to be - for me anyway.  I am only too aware of my lack of social grace and knew that much more critical to a successful marriage would be the need to find someone capable of ignoring my blunt comments instead of me looking for who was really intelligent.  It worries me a little that in later years I will need a little more intellectual stimulation at home but at the moment I have a few friends that I mentally spar with and that meets my needs.

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