8 Signs You’re a Loner (and Why It’s a Good Thing)

The word “loner” often comes with some negative associations. After all, it’s only one letter away from “loser.” Sometimes we associate loners with being friendless and unhappy, or even being antisocial in the sense of disliking people or being rejected by society.

We also associate loners with being introverted, but that isn't the case. While it's true that introverts need more alone time to recharge and reflect, this energy-balancing trait should not be misinterpreted as a sign of not enjoying the company of others and craving solitude. Loners can be introverts for sure, but not every introvert is a loner.

So, how do you know if you’re a loner rather than just a ‘regular’ introvert? Here are some signs to look for.

1. You’re home alone most Friday nights, on purpose

While many people look forward to celebrating the end of the work week by spending a night out with friends, others are happy to recharge their batteries with a quiet evening alone. Introverts belong to the second category but still like going out sometimes—and some introverts are incredibly sociable. 

However, if home alone is your preferred way to spend a Friday, Saturday, or really any other evening, you’re probably a loner.

The important thing is that you’re doing it by choice rather than default, and enjoying how you spend your time. No one needs to feel sad for you because you’re doing what you want, and it suits you.

Why it’s a good thing: You know what you need and enjoy, and that’s what you do with your down time. That’s a healthy, self-accepting way to live. Plus, being able to spend a quiet evening by yourself and have a fun and relaxing time is a great, resourceful skill to have.

2. You have many hobbies and passion projects

You have hobbies you love, an art form you cultivate conscientiously, or other passion projects you can engage in for hours. You never would have the time and focus for all you want to do if you didn’t choose to spend so much of your time alone.

Since you have all these things you really want to do, you know you won’t be bored or lonely no matter how much time you spend in solitude.

Why it’s a good thing: Loners are often deeply engaged in things they find meaningful and are willing to put in the time and effort. You’re happiest when you can lose yourself in your passion. This means that you are self-motivated and driven, a great quality to have in any aspect of life, and are often able to cultivate your skills and talents to excellence.

3. You sometimes go on solo ‘dates’

If there’s something you like to give all your attention to—say, a movie, a concert, a science demonstration or an art exhibit—you might enjoy doing these things on your own. Sure, you could invite someone to go with you, but it feels easier, and even more fun, just to go by yourself, so that’s what you do.

Why it’s a good thing: Going on solo dates means you can pay attention to the event instead of keeping up a conversation, attending to the needs of your companion, or dealing with someone who’s less knowledgeable or enthusiastic about it than you are. You can feel all-in instead of divided. Plus, these solo outings show courage and self-confidence. You’re taking care of yourself by doing what makes you happy, regardless of social expectations.

4. You’re self-sufficient

You’re used to getting things done by yourself, making decisions by yourself, relaxing by yourself and entertaining yourself as well. In fact, you think your own company is pretty great. You enjoy being around (certain) people some of the time, but you don’t feel the need to lean too much on others. You don’t need to be around people to feel happy, whole or validated.

Why it’s a good thing: You’re not needy or insecure, so you do just fine by yourself. When you do spend time with someone it’s because you want to be with that person, not just because you don’t want to be alone or you are tying your self-worth to others.

5. You’re selective about who you spend time with

If you have limited time that you want to spend with others, you believe in making it count. Instead of wasting those precious hours on random acquaintances or people you don’t particularly enjoy, you spend your time wisely with those who mean the most to you. Passively socializing with anyone who’s close by is not your thing. You choose your associates carefully and invest your time cultivating just the relationships you really want.

Why it’s a good thing: Since you limit how much time you spend with others, you want to make it count by spending it with people you truly like to be with. You won’t feel like you’re squandering your time, and that person or those people will know how much you value them because you won’t hang out with just anybody. 

6. You have a running internal dialogue

Do you sometimes talk out loud to yourself? Can you lose yourself completely in a book or just find good company within your own mind? Loners are often deep thinkers and have an active internal dialogue, follow deep trains of thought, and keep their mind fully engaged even if—especially if—no one else is around.

Why it’s a good thing: You’re a deep thinker and you live a rich life of the mind. You’re never lonely because you’re always with good company, and you have everything you need to be richly engaged. Plus, you wouldn’t be able to delve so deeply into intellectual or imaginative pursuits if you didn’t spend so much uninterrupted time alone.

7. You cringe when the phone rings 

You’re so happy enjoying the peace of time alone that you’d rather not be interrupted. In fact, if the phone rings, it startles you out of the flow state you’ve been in, and the interruption is unwelcome. 

You’d also much rather text or email than talk on the phone when you do want to communicate. Texting reduces the stimulation and you have more control over the timing—when you’ll reach out, when you’ll respond and how much time you’ll spend on the communication.

Why it’s a good thing: You’re content doing your own thing and you’re not dependent on others for stimulation. That’s a very healthy state of being. You’ve also figured out ways to keep in touch that keep you in charge of your time and energy. This is not being antisocial, it's taking care of yourself and your needs in a way that is authentic to you.

8. You stop receiving invitations

Friends who used to invite you to dinner or to events on the weekend don’t seem to do that anymore. They’ve stopped asking if you want to go places or do things with them. Don’t take it personally, but chances are they got tired of being rejected and just gave up.

Why it’s a good thing: This aspect of being a loner may or not be a good thing, depending on how you feel about it. But, say you stop getting asked out to after-work drinks or getting invited to parties—things you have zero interest in. Once you’ve made your boundaries clear, you won’t feel pressured to say yes when you want to say no, so that is a good thing. 

Remember, you're in control of your time and your social life. If you want to start receiving these invitations again, it’s within your power to reach out to your friends and let them know that you'd be interested in spending time with them. Ultimately, embracing your solitary side isn't just about preference, it's about acknowledging and asserting the strength that comes from being comfortable in your own skin—that's the power of the loner.