7 Signs of Narcissistic Abuse and Victim Syndrome

If someone you love purposefully hurt you over and over again, you’d realize that you’re being abused, right? Well, maybe not. That’s the thing about narcissistic abuse. It’s not as obvious as a bruise or being blamed for literally everything. Narcissists are sly, manipulative and often charismatic – they manage to reel you in then pull the rug over and over again. 

First you’re their everything and then you’re nothing. One day you’re their perfect partner and the next day you’re the cause of all their problems. It’s a rollercoaster ride that never seems to end, until you learn to recognize the warning signs and break free from the cycle.

What is the narcissistic abuse cycle?

The narcissistic abuse cycle is a pattern of behavior that narcissistic individuals use to maintain control and power over their victims. It involves three stages. First, they idealize the victim ("you're  perfect, I'm lucky to have met you"). Then they devalue them (criticizing, belittling and manipulating). Then finally, they will discard their victim without any remorse or empathy.

The cycle repeats over and over again with the narcissist constantly seeking new victims to fulfill their need for admiration and control. They thrive on the power they have over their victims, and they will use manipulative tactics to keep them under their influence.

What are the tactics of the abusive narcissist? 

Within the three stages of the cycle are a lot of  different tactics that narcissists use to maintain their control over their victims. Some of the most common are:

• Love bombing: At the beginning of the relationship, the narcissist may shower you with love, affection and gifts, often in an attempt to accelerate the bond between you.

• Emotional blackmail: The narcissist may guilt-trip you into complying with their wishes by making threats, such as threatening to hurt themselves or telling a secret about you to loved ones.  
• Narcissistic gaslighting: This is a form of manipulation in which the abuser attempts to make you doubt your reality. Narcissist gaslighting examples include denial of events you know happened, or claiming you "misremembered" something or you got the facts "mixed up."

• Stonewalling: The narcissist may use the silent treatment to panic you in the event of a disagreement. 

• Passive-aggression: Instead of communicating healthily, the narcissist will engage in passive-aggressive behaviors to get their way and make you feel embarrassed or ashamed. 
• Lying: Narcissists may purposefully lie about their lives—including things like their jobs, relationships and whereabouts—to fuel their false sense of self. 
• Hoovering: If you distance yourself after prolonged abuse, the narcissist may attempt to “suck” you back into the relationship through excessive adoration, charm and empty promises to change.

7 signs you’re trapped in the narcissistic abuse cycle

Narcissistic abuse can have devastating effects. If you’re worried that someone you’re close to might be a narcissist, here are the signs to look out for. 

#1: You feel like you can’t do anything right 

The narcissist needs to feel like they are better than everyone around them and they’ll put you down to reinforce their sense of self-worth. However, these put-downs are rarely obvious and outright. Instead, they tend to be thinly veiled as helpful suggestions or innocent jokes. 

For example, the narcissist might seemingly lovingly say: “Are you sure you want to eat dessert?” Or, they might dress-up an insult in an affectionate tone by stating: “You’re so stupid, sometimes. What would you do without me?” 

#2: Your self-esteem is lower than ever 

Over time, the narcissist’s constant criticism can demolish your self-esteem and confidence. You may find yourself believing their cruel taunts and doubting your self-worth. 

This can manifest in all sorts of ways, including becoming quiet and withdrawn, experiencing negative thoughts about yourself or experiencing a pervasive sense of hyper-vigilance and low mood. 

#3: You’ve lost your sense of self

The narcissistic abuser sees you as an extension of themselves. They are not interested in your hopes, goals and dreams. They want to mold you into exactly what they need you to be. As a result, your entire life starts to revolve around them. 

You no longer engage in activities you enjoyed, see friends you were close to or pursue your dreams. Your desires are on the back burner, and you’ve put their needs front and center. 

#4: You gaslight yourself 

When a loved one is emotionally abusive, it’s common to experience what’s known as cognitive dissonance: an inner confusion about whether the person who is supposed to love you could be causing you harm. 

If you catch yourself minimizing your own experiences and attempting to rationalize the abusive behavior to make it seem tolerable, you may be grappling with cognitive dissonance. 

#5: You can’t stand the idea of leaving them 

Studies have shown that victims of narcissistic abuse often become trauma bonded to their abusers. Because the narcissist contorts the victim’s reality, the sufferer often feels like they need the narcissist to be happy, and can’t bear the thought of being without them. 

Maybe you keep hoping the other person will change, or have given them countless second chances. If so, you may have developed an unhealthy bond with your abuser. 

#6: You’ve dissociated 

Dissociation is a common way the brain copes with severe trauma. With dissociation, you may feel detached from your body, thoughts and feelings—almost as if you’re not really in the real world. 

You may also engage in activities that numb your painful emotions: leaning on addictive substances like alcohol or drugs, over or under eating, or developing obsessions and compulsions to distract your mind from the true cause of your pain. 

#7: Your body knows something is wrong 

Research indicates that victims of emotional abuse often experience a range of physical ailments. In some ways, their bodies bear the brunt of the psychological trauma they’re experiencing. You may notice physical symptoms such as:

• Insomnia 
• Fatigue 
• Weight loss or gain, alongside appetite changes 
• Digestive issues 
• Nervousness and irritability 

How to deal with narcissist abuse 

If you’re worried that you or someone you love is in a dangerous relationship with a narcissist, please know that there is hope. Recovery from narcissistic abuse is possible, and you can get to a point where you feel like yourself again. 

As a first step, there are some things you should try not to do. Try not to plead with or appease the narcissist as they will see this as a sign of weakness and an opportunity  to exert more control. It’s also not a good idea to make threats as this may only escalate the situation. 

Instead, it’s important to set boundaries and stick to them. This can include limiting contact with the narcissist and focusing on your own needs and well-being. 

It’s also a good idea to keep a record of the narcissist’s behavior. Write things down or record them on your phone. Keep a record of text messages. This can help you believe in yourself and your recollection of the situation if the other person tries to gaslight you into an alternative form of reality.

Seeking therapy or support from a trusted friend or family member can also be beneficial in processing the trauma and finding ways to regain your sense of self-worth. Dealing with a narcissist can be difficult, and you’ll want to have the right people in your corner to support you as you make the brave step to confront or leave a situation that is harming you, or stand by the narcissistic in your life as they take the initiative to change.

As always, take care of yourself first. Breaking free from a narcissistic can be tough, but there are people ready and willing to help you navigate these feelings and reclaim your life.