INFJ
Choose other type

Primary tabs

Are you an INFJ?

Take the test and know for sure
Take the test

Primary tabs

Check out the INFJ Discussion Forum

Want to have a more in-depth conversation about being an INFJ? Head on over to our discussion forum and post your questions, comments, and/or general musings!

Comments

draco (not verified) says...

It usually happens, especially after your usefulness to them expires. It happened to me as well more than once. It's easy to approach someone and beg for help, but once you don't need that person anymore, most will simply move on and forget about the one who helped them.

My philosophy when it comes to helping others is "If you need something to eat because you can't pay for your meal, or, if you need something to wear because you don't have the money for new clothes, I'll help you to the best of my possibilities. Just don't ask me for money." Lending money is a mistake, I've learned that from many bad experiences. But I'm always willing to help in any other way I can. I don't expect anything in return as well; if said person doesn't want to stick around afterwards, that's fine to me. If I'm able to help them, I'm happy for it. : )

I'm willing to say that the "counselor" part doesn't always imply for you to take action and get involved directly with the situation. We are perfectly capable of helping someone simply by giving our insight about the situation; that's probably our best trait, and it involves nothing more than words. 

Timberwood (not verified) says...

Draco, you have to be reading my mind.

You guys have all said the the same things Ive always thought and it's super comforting to me. I juat am actually glad to meet other INFJs. I don't know if its just me or do you guys feel like INFJs were born in the wrong time period? Like someone set us here during this age and left us with an inate need to change the world? Just a forewarning, Im going to say some pretty crazy stuff here, but I think as INFJs you guys will either COMPLETELY understand to point of laughing or getting chills or you just might be sympathic enough because thats what we do naturally....         

  Okay here's my possibly mind blowing, world stopping speech. I feel like sometimes Im literally not human because of things we can do that we KNOW all the other types cannot. Like being able to know the emotion of a room full of people the second you walk through a door. Or being able to basically absorb another person's emotions even if they are complete strangers.

I am a senior in high school and I am friends with just about everyone possible and I, for the most part, am pretty popular even though I dont want to be, Im not aiming to be, and as a matter of fact I detest popularity.  Even though I have I tons of friends, not a single soul actually understands me. I don't have an actual best friend even though I want one but at the same I dont.

You ever feel like your idea of an relationship is vastly different than everyone else's? I feel like a relationship with someone should be indescrible. A relationship should be like connecting the very soul of your life force to someone else's and they are doing so as well, yet you still keep your individuality. I feel like sex with that person should be so true and meaningful. That your only goal is to make sure they are completely satisfied and vice versa (its probably also funny that you might be thinking "wow. He actually is talking about REAL sex", but you've secretly wanted to talk about that with someone you trust).You ever want a friendship so real that you truly LOVE your best friend that its almost to the point that you feel like connected to them just like your husband or wife and even at the same level of bond but it has a different meaning.

You ever realize the large amount of talents we have (physical, mental, spiritual, and emotional). We can think and know just as intelligent as a scientist and yet feel and experience the world like poet.   

You ever feel a connection in every physical environment? Like the city and the woods feel like home to you. You ever try to look at someone and see them as beautifully and handsomely as you possibly can.

You ever feel like you might be more than one type of personality. Almost like you might schizophrenic but you know you are not.                                        

You ever like the world, nature, time, space, and the universe is trying to tell you something. I feel as if INFJs may have caught a glimpse of something that might give us a clue (Search up Carl Jung. He also was an INFJ who discovered the Monomyth and Primal Memory. I swear to God if you into it you will get chills). You ever think that the Multiverse Theory is true?

 I have plenty of other thoughts I want to share because as an INFJ, I have lots. Besides... I think this is pretty damn long.HAHA! Also. Sorry if I messed up with grammar, spelling, or just simply missing or repeating words.

                                                                                             

draco (not verified) says...

My regards Timberwood, I’ll address a few of your points here.

“I don't know if its just me or do you guys feel like INFJs were born in the wrong time period? Like someone set us here during this age and left us with an inate need to change the world?”

 

In all honesty, even if we were born in a different time period, the world would still have a need for change. The world isn’t fair, it never was. You wouldn’t find children starving to death and there wouldn’t be wars killing millions if that was the case. The question here is: what can we do with the limited time we have in this earth to make the world a better place?

 

I don’t have a loud enough voice to make a significant difference to the world, but, even being just another unknown guy out there, I can always try and make a difference to the people around me. This is our purpose as INFJs— help those around us who are going through a bad time in their lives. It’s not only our purpose, but also something embedded into our very core as human beings— something just as important and natural as breathing.

 

“ …being able to know the emotion of a room full of people the second you walk through a door. Or being able to basically absorb another person's emotions even if they are complete strangers.”

 

I do relate to this. Given enough time you can almost read what that person is thinking, or predict a reaction to a specific situation. It’s also not very difficult to know when someone is lying through their teeth.

 

We are for the most part observers; we study people behavior in a myriad of situations, so that when the time comes, we know how to act accordingly. I personally am guilty to this. I often overexert in this aspect, searching for something special that sparks my curiosity. But this only happens whenever I find someone interesting enough to do so, otherwise I’ll lose my interest very quickly.

 

“…for the most part, am pretty popular even though I dont want to be, Im not aiming to be, and as a matter of fact I detest popularity.”

 

It’s easy for us to get the trust of other people rather quickly, and more often than not, they’ll feel enough confidence to reveal more about them that they don’t often talk about openly. I would argue that we’re not just good listeners, but also good advisers. How often does another person come to you and simply talk about their life? They know that you’re able help them out whenever something comes up in their life, and even if you can’t, the conversation itself will feel interesting enough to them— thought-provoking at the bare minimum.

 

Those interactions will make you popular, even if you don’t want that kind of attention. I certainly have many, many people that do trust me and my insight, and will often talk to me whenever they need some advice. Now, do I seek that kind of attention to feed my ego? No I don’t, and I would hate myself if I ever fall that low in life. I guess that’s just the nature of the beast; if you’re a good person and demonstrate your values to others, people will enjoy being around you. It’s a good thing in my perspective, but it can become overwhelming at times.

 

“Even though I have I tons of friends, not a single soul actually understands me. I don't have an actual best friend even though I want one but at the same I dont.”

 

It’s only natural, many people don’t want to accept different points of view in regards to how you should behave in modern society— you either join them in mediocrity, or you’ll be seen as an outcast. Only a few people understand my motives, or at the very least, accept my nature. The rest? I’m most likely a mystery to them. Not that I actually care about it, though.

 

Real friends are hard to come by, and the more you look for one, the harder they seem to find. I believe that friendship is something that happens naturally, just like falling in love with someone. If you try to force it though, in an attempt to feel less lonely or something of the sort, showing clear signs that you’re in need of some comfort, it may lead to the other person abusing that weakness of yours for selfish reasons. It can be quite dangerous and traumatic if you’re not prepared for a situation like this.

 

Friendship often involves a complex balance between your common interests and how committed you actually are to interact with the other person— if said person isn’t really all that interesting to talk to, despite having a common interest with you, you’ll most likely lose your interest. Same thing goes to when you find someone interesting, but you have nothing in common with him/her, and a boulder of ice will take form between the two of you.

 

My advice is pretty simple, just be true to yourself and always behave the way you usually do. When you less expect it, someone will befriend you and will stick around for years and years to come.

 

“You ever feel like your idea of an relationship is vastly different than everyone else's?”

 

I believe this is one of the main reasons people have a hard time understanding who we truly are. Love and devotion walk side by side to me, and without either of them, the relationship devolves simply into passion— a simple carnal desire.

 

A simple look, a simple touch from your loved one should be more than enough to pick you up from the ground on a bad moment of your life. The usage of words shouldn’t be required to deliver a message— you’ll know exactly how your loved one feels when you’re together. Sexual intercourse would feel like (as you’ve said) the merging of your very souls into a single one, something that not many people would know the meaning of. Everything should be built around the utmost truth, where no doubt remains between the two.

 

Tell me now, how many people see a relationship in this manner, other than in a poetic or simply fictional way? How many people believe something like this is even possible?

 

Well… I vehemently believe this is what true love actually means. I also believe it is possible to achieve such a high level of affinity towards your loved one, despite being a long road that many fail to traverse.

 

“You ever feel a connection in every physical environment? Like the city and the woods feel like home to you.”

 

Yes, especially if I’m the only one around in that place. The sound of crashing waves in the ocean feels almost like therapy to me. The absolute silence under a starry sky fills me with thoughts; carrying me to very distant places as I sit quietly appreciating its immense beauty.

 

It’s hard to explain exactly what it is, but moments like these give me a sense of peace. I feel revitalized whenever I have the time to spend with nature like this. Maybe it stimulates some primal sense that is kept dormant for the most part of my busy, busy life? I don’t know… it’s a really interesting thing though.

 

“You ever feel like you might be more than one type of personality.”

 

Sometimes, but at my very core I stand as an INFJ. I can pretend I’m someone else for the most part of my day, but when something comes in direct conflict with my inner values, I have a hard time partaking in it.

 

It’s hard to fight against your own nature, and if you do, you’ll feel terrible about it.

 

“You ever think that the Multiverse Theory is true?”

 

I could ramble about this topic all day long, but since this message is long enough as is, I’ll keep my answer short.

 

To a degree yes, I believe this is pretty much possible. However, whatever balance we have in our universe, could be pretty much turned upside down if we ever find a way to fiddle with reality itself. Have you imagined one day getting home, and as soon as you open your front door, you find a perfect copy of you walking around the house? How crazy and scary would that be?

 

There’s plenty more I could discuss about this, but I’ll leave it at that.

 

Now, something that I didn’t expect when I first commented in this website, was the amazing reception my comments are taking from you people who relate to the crazy things I say here. I feel flattered beyond belief, you people are amazing! Thanks to all of you!! :)

Pws1735 (not verified) says...

Thanks for the insight, Draco.  I'm a male infj, too and I feel like I've never really fit in - although I certainly can adapt to most situations.

Mike 0167 (not verified) says...

You are not alone Timberwood.  Like myself, you are definitely an INFJ, but you ae also an EMPATH.

I am amazed that you are only in high school and have this level of undersatanding about this.  Good for you.

Maybe you will be the one to figure out how and what we all should be doing with our abilities?

Guest (not verified) says...

Yes this has happened to me!! I had one friend who I helped out of a bad place, offering advice, lending her money occasionally (I haven't seen a penny back of that money), inviting her to stay with my family, even over Christmas etc. Then all of a sudden she gets a job and a boyfriend and now I don't hear from her anymore. Actually the one time I ever needed something from her, I was in hospital and had just had an opertaion. I was feeling a bit lonely and all I wanted was a simple conversation just to say 'hey how are you, I just had this, this and this happen to me and now I'm in hospital'. She opened the message but never responded! I feel so deflated when I put so much effort into something or someone but get tossed aside like yesterday's news when they don't need me anymore! 

Louise Sansam (not verified) says...

Wow you are the male vison of me! I cud sit and read your words all day!

Toussaint (not verified) says...

Wow, I thought I was the only one who thought exactly like this. This is my life everyday. I have to deal with being different and always feeling alone, or the only one thinking in a certain way. It really feels good to find ouy that there are actually some people with the same thoughts...

Waiting for Godot (not verified) says...

That is how we feel most of the time; frustrated. Attempts to connect do not end well and are very draining emotionally, reaffirming my belief that I would be happiest living in a small cabin in the mountains, surrounded with my books, a chocloate lab on the rug in front of the fireplace. Lonely?? I don't think so...I'd rather be alone than constantly disappointed. But every now and then I venture forth to tilt at another windmill. ...I am a firm believer that time spent caring for someone is never wasted. It is a true test of your emotional maturity to risk a pain like no other, again and again, hoping but never expecting to find someone worth caring about.

dalywood says...

I very much relate to several points you made. However, I would say I'm more disappointed (in people) and at times disillusioned (briefly, and cyclically) than frustrated. Your comment about preferring to be alone rather than being disappointed is right on the mark. I totally understand and it is my dream as well to live in a cozy cabin, in the mountains, with a creek, with my cats, in front of a fireplace, reading and exploring in a multitude of ways (internally and externally). I'm rarely lonely as I now have a compatible partner in life, and he is more introverted than I am; my alone time is a necessity of proportions I cannot begin to describe. I am also rarely bored as I'm always learning, discovering and find ways to entertain myself. Lastly, I don't think people understand the pain we always carry, but it is that pain that makes us as empathetic and caring as we are. It is a two-edged sword and with time and life experiences (I'm from the baby boomer generation), we learn how to use and live with that pain in more constructive and caring ways. I wish much peace and love for you.

Kdkm (not verified) says...

Oh, beautifully said. Thank you for sharing about the pain we carry. Yes! That has been my experience as well. I feel life so acutely. The highs are higher and lows are deeper. There's a beauty in that emotional range and depth, but it is also filled with isolation and pain too. Would I change this about me if I could? No!! I love seeing life the way that I do, however it is also a burden. Thank you for validating my internal perspective.

I found the discussion about preferring to be alone versus disappointed by others interesting. I was married for over thirty years before my husband passed away last year. I have to say that despite the marriage being less than ideal, sharing my life was very satisfying and preferable to being constantly alone. I have met someone recently who is more similar in personality and it has been an amazing experience. It is making a world of difference to be in an intimate relationship with a person who is more compatible. So I'm encouraging those of you to not throw away your wishes for that kind of interpersonal intimacy. It's possible and very worth it.

Guest (not verified) says...

Wow. I never thought there were people like me. I'm only 12 and this is all so new to me. I try again and again to make people understand who I truly am, but it doesn't work. I've realised that you shouldn't live to please people because there's always gonna be that one person that you're gonna miss out. Helping people realise their potential, realise who they are is all I want to do and to do that obstacles must be waded through, pushed aside, gotten rid of. But not taken to heart. Sometimes, I wish I could fly, soar in the sky and leave all the worries and worldly matters behind. But then my heart takes me back to the people I love and care for and then the next day, it's the same thing again when you realise that people just won't understand.

I hope I never change. I want to live my life helping people, I really do. I feel horrid when I get envious of others because that's not who I am. There comes a time when you realise that you have what you have and to give is the best way for me to feel like I've been given something great. Somebody can give me the greatest thing in the world but to pay it forward would make me feel better than to receive it. I want to live my life changing the world. I have dreams, huge dreams. Like ending wars, inventing wings, crazy things. And I hold onto the, because I know they'll get me forward. It warms my heart to know that there are people out there who understand me and I hope they stay that way. For me, the thing that keeps me going is: to give is to receive. Thanks for being there and supporting all those in need.

P.S:- I love cats too. A cabin in the mountains with just me and nobody coming around calling me a crazy cat lady is sometimes all I wish for.

Mysticablue (not verified) says...

Thank you so much for clarifying not only the depth in the pain we carry, but also the truth for the good in it. I am a highly sensitive INFJ and very empathetic. I know that these are not values that are store bought, but that are driven deeply at the cost of my superficial existence that I am learning to separate from daily. By the way, I just learned that the INFJ has a shadow self that mirrors a superficial reflection of a ESTP and the purpose is to prevent us from discovering and accepting our authentic selves. We must break away from this and re-discover the freedom and beauty in being, just as we are.

Guest (not verified) says...

Find an INFP if your lonely. Worked for me.

Andromeda (not verified) says...

I agree :) Boyfriend is INFP and I couldn't be happier.

Guest (not verified) says...

Heh. My twin sister is an INFP, and whenever I'm feeling particularly lonely, or sad, I find it really helps to talk and just hang out with her.

Trish says...

I agree with you.  I can see how the person's actions have lead them into the situation they're in, then I can see possibilities of helping get back on the path they want to return to.  Many times I come across as insensitive, or they don't believe what I'm saying.  I usually end up walking away.  It took a long time for me to figure out that it is their choices and their life, and I can only offer a solution.

Guest (not verified) says...

Exactly, every time I try to help someone because it seems like what they are doing will hurt them in the future or create a bad image of them, they think I'm judgemental and trying to control them when all I'm doing is pointing it out to them so they can help themselves. It's frustrating being misunderstood all the time. If you give advice you're interfering or judging them and if you try to stay quiet or stay away you're apparently being rude or ignoring them. It's hard trying to let people know you when all they end up doing is blaming you and making you look like a bad person. Being an INFJ is hard.

Clarisse (not verified) says...

I am sorry you feel you were forced by being misjudged and misunderstood into being reclusive. I have tested out as an INFJ and I have experienced being misjudged as well. There are ways that separating oneself from others can lead to great good and especially since you recognize that you are with God in a way you are choosing the way of a hermit. Hermits and monks benefit all of makind by praying for others. I have a secret hide-a-way in a sense that I go to an adoration chapel and pray for others. It is a special calling, so in some ways you can have a sense that you have been called apart for that by God. It is hard to experience misjudging and unfortunately for a while I was trying to fix things until I just realized and accepted the fact that I was trying to change someone who could not change. I felt great sense of injustice and was trying hard to find a way to bring about justice but not one else involved wanted that. It was very painful and it was especially hard because supposedly these were religious people. I guess it was a lesson God wanted me to go through and it did bring me closer to God and knowing His friendship. I will pray for you. Not everyone in the world is your enemy though. Love does exist. pray for me and I will pray for you.

Williambondj (not verified) says...

Becky, I fully understand. You took the words and experiences right out of my mouth, mind, and life. I'm 51 years old now, I've gone through an awful lot, to the point that those I thought were my friends turned out to not be and now I don't trust anyone anymore. My wife doesn't understand me and though I used to talk to her all the time about my thoughts and what I felt, she doesn't get it, doesn't care and has made it so hard for me that I don't even talk to her if I can help it. I am at a point in my life I just don't care anymore. I wish you well and I hope you find some peace.

Mike 0167 (not verified) says...

You nailed this explanation Becky.  I agree 100%, especially with what is happening with the world today.

Guest (not verified) says...

You're not kidding..

Guest (not verified) says...

I tend to disagree with your statement that "you are who you are" - this is an essentialist and deterministic viewpoint that assumes that things can be fixed in a universe where everything is changing all the time.

From that perspective stability - whilst temporarily providing a sense of comfort and safety - is an illusion after all.

....consider: what would be the point of any form of education or therapy if people couldn't change and were somehow fixed??

s.g.s (not verified) says...

We do have a fixed, underlying nature though. Take language, for example: sure, people learn different languages depending on their upbringing, but you can't teach human language to a kitten or a chimpanzee, for example. Rather, you require some kind of cognitive structure to accommodate that experience.It's like Leibniz once said, ''nothing in the intellect if not first in the senses, except the intellect itself''. It's quite plausible to suppose the same to be true of other areas of cognition. Our personalities may change in some minimal or superficial sense, but it is basically shaped by more fundamental, underlying biological properties.

Liz. Also an INFJ (no surprise) (not verified) says...

Agreed! 100%.

Guest (not verified) says...

Hello,

I see your point, but I beg to differ a little bit. While I truly believe that people can change, I am not sure that an INFJ person can, or at least not on the primary basis, and I think that’s what makes that type of personality so unusual and so… stubborn (although I don’t think it is a matter of stubbornness, but a matter of truthfulness). I am supposed to be an INFJ, and I can’t deny I am always searching for meaningful reasons in everything; I am deeply convinced about that being the correct way of understanding life, and that’s what I don’t think I could ever change, because then I would betray my inner rules.

While I would change my points of view about anything if I were to find a deeper or fairer reason to do so (here I mean deeper or fairer than the ones I had before), I don't think there is any way I am changing the conviction of relying in fairness to carry out those changes.
So yes, there is an essential part of me, the way I focus everything, which is completely fixed because I am completely convinced about it being the correct way to do so. I just admit the possibility of being wrong about that approach because my logic says that there is a possibility of me being wrong sometimes, but you see, even when I doubt myself do it in a way that makes me potentially right.

By that I mean that INFJs perhaps won't change essentially because it is their indefatigable pursue of meaningfulness what defines them the most, something they are not going to dismiss (not because they are not able, but because they are sure about the fact they shouldn't).It is a sort of reasoned and thorough "not changing" condition.

That’s why I think the sentence “you are who you are” makes so much sense for the INFJs.

Have a nice day ;)

Irene

PS: English is not my mother tongue, so I apologize if I made any mistake.

Guest (not verified) says...

I would not change who I am a million times over, the experiences within my development, no matter how twisted, horrid, and disgusting. They made me who I am. I am what I am, because I love who I am. I would rather live a lonely existence and stand on my morals. I would know well that my outlook is the most healthy and least sick than, living a life hurting others. It has never been my desire to watch those around me suffer, so if I had to so my personality would shape like this. I would rather it be the case, as long as I don't change, I can adapt and modify my life to the needs and events around me, but don't ever let me forget something this important, don't let me forget why I reach the suffering, to resolve my past trauma. I don't ever want to know the suffering was all in vein.

dalywood says...

I love your last two sentences. Quite remarkable how you were able to accurately identify how I also think and feel, but I was
not as successful as you in articulating it. Thank you for that.

KLD (not verified) says...

I can totally relate to this. I often wonder where I "fit in" and feel like an alien...lol.

Guest (not verified) says...

I can relate to your statement about wondering why you don't exactly "fit in". Learning that I am INFJ made me feel much better about feeling and thinking differently than the majority of the people that I have encountered.

Guest (not verified) says...

I agree. I also find it funny that INFJ's are considered 'mysterious', I thought myself to be honest with my expressions... But its true in the end. Despite expressing myself often enough i'm usually misunderstood. It was kinda lonely having few people to relate to, or who could really understand me. Now I know why and it cheered me up :)

Guest (not verified) says...

My experience is that I feel as if I try to be sincere and represent myself as truthfully as possible, and yet people perceive me as manipulative. It's almost like no one will believe that I'm being real, because overall it's so rare that it seems more likely that it's fake.

Guest (not verified) says...

I feel the same way. It's like you are saying the words just like everyone else says them but for some reason people do not understand your words or they simply do not value your input. I'll give advice on something to someone or tell them how to handle a problem if they ask me for my input. 90% of the time they never listen to me. But, someone else can come along and tell them the exact same thing I did and they listen to them. I've asked if it's my delivery or what. But, no one can actually tell me the reason why they didn't follow my advice. Makes me think I'm missing something!

Outsider (not verified) says...

I think that's because we're maybe not as absolute or assertive as some people. I always give my opinion with the fact that it is my interpretation of the situation, I'm not always right or infallible, and not perfect myself. So I think that this can make people think that the advice might not be the right thing to do when what most people are looking for is a definitive resolve or solution. I don't think my approach is wrong but, you're right, advice given doesn't seem to have the weight of the same advice from someone else.

Guest (not verified) says...

I am so with you! All the time I say, "I say what I mean and I mean what I say" but I still feel like people look for the 'hidden' meaning in my words because they just can't believe someone can be so honest. It really is aggravating. Now that I'm 40-something, I usually just keep my thoughts to myself. It's been a long life of feeling misunderstood, and honestly, undervalued.

Kathy Monroy (not verified) says...

So good to know there are more people like me. Completely misunderstood. So often I want friends and I reach out to people, as hard as it is for me, and I get treated as if I have some sort of ulterior motive. Then asking people what I should do and getting a "just be yourself" is so frustrating...

Guest (not verified) says...

Me too.. I went to a psychic a few years back and she drew a legit pic of an alien and said that is where i come from. Haha Of course i didn't believe her, or did I? Ooooo

Jendivin (not verified) says...

The same thing just happened to me a few weeks ago.
I went to a medium/psychic tell me that I have psychic ability and one of my kids as well.
At the time I only knew I was "Highly Sensitive"
I came across the personality test on pintrest and was floored to say the least. Everything in my life is making sense to me now.
I've been told I have OCD and I thought I had ADHD
I don't have either of those conditions and now know it's part of my personality.
I cannot begin to tell you the enormity of this discovery.
I'm still in shock.

Guest (not verified) says...

Wait...really? Because I'm thinking that I might have OCD too, and it's been so hard for me recently because these worries seem to have taken over my life. Thanks for posting that, though!

Guest Bean (not verified) says...

I realised I was an HSP (highly sensitive person) a while ago. I was brought up by a parent with narcissistic personality disorder and addiction. It's possible that sensitivity came about as a required survival mechanism, as I constantly had to read and evaluate situations and walk on egg shells.
I just found out that I am a INFJ and it makes a lot of sense. I have always felt different, misunderstood etc. but also sometimes admired for some of my creative gifts (which I sadly also mostly hide), as well as insight and imagination.
Despite being able to understand and sympathise with others I find relationships challenging and struggle to find people who understand me. There have also been a lot of narcissistic partners in my life, who can easily fake the empathy of our INFJ type, but actually have no empathy at all. After a very sad and traumatic time in my last relationship that was like this (and the most destructive)I have had 14 years being single, and find it hard to trust again. Understanding about my type has helped me understand how I am how I am, that I have high ideals and crave harmony, and that discord makes me unwell.
I have also worked as a carer for many years with elders and learning disabled etc. I love helping others but experienced real burn out in this role, and hope to retrain as a counsellor. I am also drawn to the arts. I often feel that there is not enough time to do the things I want to do in life, but I keep plugging away because this is what makes life meaningful to me.
I did have some difficult situations in my last two jobs when I moved from London to Scotland. It was horrible because my sensitivity was at a peak, and it was a new environment etc. and I was a target for bullying. I think people also took my shyness for aloof arrogance, and I was again misunderstood. It was very difficult experience but thankfully I've left these situations behind and have a good therapist.
I am at the point where I am thinking about the people in my life, who honours me, and the kind of relationships I want to have. I realise that these relationships/friendships are best with those few rare types who are warm and caring and gentle. My extrovert side sometimes craves more excitement and fun but there can be some fakery in those circles too.
Self knowledge is a great thing, especially as as INFJ types were sensitive to criticism and want our contribution to be valued. Knowing our type and what is important to us can help understand the disappointments and sense of alienation that can happen sometimes! Also we can value ourselves more highly and take more seriously what we have to offer the world.

Karin26 (not verified) says...

I can definitely relate to that feeling of not fitting in for being misunderstood. I think that is not only a characteristic of this personality type, but something that is more of a universal quality. We're all humans and we all know that feeling and fear on some level I believe. It just seems that this personality type - if I judge it from my own experience - is more reflective and intuitive and sensitive than most other types. And therefore it can make life a little bit harder for this type, I believe. On the other hand, because we are quite in tune with out emotions I like to believe that we are dealt exactly what we can handle, and that we are good at working through things exactly because we have a focus on other's true motives, our feelings and difficult issues. I think no other personality type is more apt to deal with emotional issues/capacities better than an INFJ. The 'difficulty is that each INFJ has a unique way of dealing with things and it can take time to find what this is for you.

In my personal experience I have also dealt with individuals that have narcissitic tendencies and that fake empathy. I have decided to no longer have contact with such individuals as they drain me emotionally and cause me a lot of stress, frustration and anxiety. They are bad for me, so I had to be wise and let them go. I think particularly when empathy and emotional capacity is faked, this can hurt INFJs more and be harder to overcome than for other personality types, as INFJs are very empathising and sensitive individuals. One thing most characteristic of INFs is integrity; this is why we cannot stand fake people, manipulation, and lies etc. INFJs, as judged from my own experiences and life experience, simply cannot fake. Period. We cannot fake empathy. We cannot fake that we care and love somebody. Therefore it is also extremely painful and almost impossible to believe that others are capable of deceiving us. It is even harder to realize that others cannot match our emotional capacitities, and it hurts so much when you find out this limitation in somebody that you cared for and trusted (either as a friend or a romantic partner). 

I think that is actually one of our strenghts, that the relationships we have are not always easy. This challenge is part of what makes it interesting, and why relationships we form and have (and lose) keep us occupied. We tend to be a bit more sensitive to things and in my personal experience it happens that I more often than not notice things that other people miss, or just things that I pick up on. I've learned that it is not a bad thing to be sensitive and attuned to things, and I've learned that writing has always helped me. 

However, despite being and INFJ and needing alone-time to reflect on things and to just do my thing, on my own, I find that as I grow older I am looking more and more to expand my horizons. I want to become more social and become better at juding/reading people so that I may understand humans better. My highest goal in life is to help people, in some way. To create some positvie change in the world, in whatever way possible. And by gaining life experience, learning more about the world and the people in it, I strive to achieve this goal. And it can be achieved in little ways. Maybe somebody reads this message/post and realizes that they are not alone. If that is the case, then I feel I have made some kind of difference in the world already. Sometimes you have to start small to make big changes :)

In this phase in my life the emphasis is on trying to challenge myself and gain more life experience. I am 26 as I am typing, so I realize that is quite young in any case. But I think that because I have always been very comfortable on my own, I've started to fear that I am missing out a little bit. I have several friends and close connections to them so it is not that have missed friendships. It is rather that I've learned and grown a lot on a professional/ademic and personal level, but less on the intrapersonal level and social levels and I want to give that more emphasis from now on. And I think, despite being introverted and having a tendency to want to be alone - which there is absolutely nothing wrong with - I think it would be generally good advice for INFJs to get out there sometimes and see more of the world, meet different people and make new friends.

I just strongly dislike the thought of mindlessly accepting "I am an INFJ, therefore... X" For example saying that you are not X or Y or you can't do certain things. At the end of the day, we INFJs can learn a lot from other personality types. Plus, there are elements of other personality types in all of us and vise versa. So, by all means I think it is always important to keep an open mind and to realize that you as a human being are more than what can be summed up in a personality review, despite the truth there may be in the evaluation.

My sister, for example is an ESFP and we have an amazing relationship. She has many characteristics that I highly value. She is spontaneous, enthusiastic and open - a real social bee- and by being around her I have learned so many things and have implemented some of those things that were naturally less present/dominant in me. Because, at the end of the day what we are all looking for is a connection. And we cannot do that if we do not try to understand others. Even if those others end up hurting us, and do not understand us, we can take away value from the interaction and the experience. I believe it is not about the destination but about the journey. Always keep trying to become a better version of yourself. Accept the things which you cannot change, of course, but try not to become complacent as that will limit the quality of your life. 

I wish everybody the best. May you find peace and happiness and a little bit of relief from the pain of being misunderstood for who you are. Please realize you are never alone. There are always others like you. The world is a big place with lots of people in it. A couple of percentages (only 1-2 percent of the population is a INFJ) might be a little bit but it is still A LOT of people if you do the math. Don't waste your time experiencing too many negative emotions. If you can let them go, or find some outlet - whatever that is - choose that. You will make your life better and have a more positive life.

 

 

 

Guest (not verified) says...

Wooooow, I love that! I am trying to push myself. I know I can in some directions. I usually burn out if I commit to some highly exhausting project for a couple of months (and I only do that kind of work). But as yo usay, I think it's about habits, and we can change habits. Yes we love to be alone and reacharge by ourselves, but maybe it's just safe feelings we are runing to. I am really curious how to combine both worlds. I know if I want to have some kind of career I would better work by myself, but then I need great amount of self discipline and know that my work has some positive influence on individuals and society as a whole. At the same time, I don't really want to live a hermit life (I would love to, but I don't want to allow that to myself). It's possible to live calm and peaceful life without retrieving into hermit mode, I am sure. 

I think you are correct about constantly growing. There are incidents from the past that make us choose familiar patterns. We then escape back to our protective selef when we feel anxious or threatened. 

 

This is a very good and HEALTHY video to watch: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=La9oLLoI5Rc

 

Thanks again Karin! Love how you think.

Guest (not verified) says...

I can relate to feeling like an alien around others because I have never felt as if I "fit in". There are very few people who I can actually relate to and finding out that I was an INFJ really cheered me up. And then I got to reading about them and I litterally got a little creeped out because it fit me so perfectly. It was like reading an instruction manual to myself and it was amazing. I didnt feel so alone afterwards because I finally knew there were others just like me.

Kendo (not verified) says...

As an INTP--with a female friend who I think is an INFJ--I can so sympathize; I'd felt like an 'alien.' How many others have felt that way?! Throughout history? Knowledge can be a wonderful thing, as self-knowledge can be priceless

(VERIFIED) (not verified) says...

Now that I know my actual career options, all should go well :)

Guest (not verified) says...

hi there only just been introduced to all this personality stuff but hey how true is it, ive felt lost and alone, didnt fit in (alien) all my life. Now however I see the bigger infj picture Im happy to say I feel better. I have always been able to see popeles pain and suffering! probably in part due to my own!! still upwards and onwards my new friends out there. never give up hope of finding that oh so illusive inner peace.

Andrea

Guest (not verified) says...

It has to deal in part with the rate of the maturity of the prefrontal cortex of the brain becaus it controls certain aspects such as personality

Terrence (not verified) says...

I've always felt that way. I don't seem to fit in anywhere.

Guest (not verified) says...

I feel the same way I do not fit in any where! It is possible as well I could have PTSD...I cannot seem to hold a job any one going through this please help!

brentamiller says...

I also have had an intense sensation that I was different, but couldn't figure out why. At times I've wondered if something was "wrong" with me, and I suppose that is in line with INFJs seeking out counselors. In response to your question, I recently went through a very intense workplace harassment situation which caused hyper-alertness, anxiety and depression. It took a lot of outside advice and determination to keep myself on track, but I could see how it could have resulted in a very negative situation for my career. I landed with my feet on the ground, but despite that tachycardia and insomnia persisted for a few months. Social exclusion is perceived by the prefrontal cortex along the same lines as a physical threat. We're helper types and being targeted is traumatic. Definitely seek advice and counseling. In my case, it was a HR consultant and a lawyer, but a psychologist would have been in order, too!

Share your thoughts

Truity up to date