Anyone else in this situation? I love my wife a ton, and we have both grown so much from being together. At the same time, I often feel so wasted on and stultified by her. At the same time I know she often feels unsafe/destabilized and exhausted by my way of being. I think I just want to connect and co-empathize with others of my tribe who've married and love their polar opposites. Heck, I even wrote a song about this dynamic. I bet you'd like it. Anyone out there?

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P Funk (not verified) says...

I feel ya. 

Some days are spent just navigating between expectation and dissapointment

..but consider this silver lining to being with your opposite: 

Because the relationship is challenging, you've discovered sides of yourself you wouldn't have with a like-minded partner. Perhaps when you met, there was a part of you that sensed these traits could use more developing. People make so many decisions from this unconscious place, maybe that's one of the reasons why you were so attracted to her in the first place. 

So during those frusterating moments with your wife,  in your head you can say to yourself, "I'm a pretty well-rounded bad ass because of you". 

ApricotHaze says...

My husband is likely an INTJ or an ISTJ.  We have long since learned to understand that we're different rather than right/wrong or normal/abnormal or responsible/irresponsible.  For instance, today, the thought flitted through my head that Mexican food might be nice tomorrow immediately followed by the realization that my husband had likely already planned the day out in his head and failed to articulate it to me.

The conversation wound up going something like this--

Me:  So, what's your plan for tomorrow

Him:  I don't really have a plan.  (said very slowly)

Me:  There's always a plan.

Him:  Well, not so much a plan as some ideas (blushing and embarassed smirk)

What then followed was a list of things that would begin when we rise and go until bedtime.  We might squeeze in Mexican if it stills sounds good to me tomorrow--and if I had wanted to go to the zoo, we would have--but those things involve him letting go of the plan.  Thankfully, we've been married long enough that he realizes good things can happen if he lets me take the lead sometimes :).

Wolfhound (not verified) says...

I’m ENFP female married to ISTJ male.  I try to focus on how his strengths provide counter weights to my strengths.  I regularly tell him how much I appreciate his help with the concrete things (emptying the dishwasher, taking out the garbage, taxes, etc). Stuff I’d forget to do if left to my own devices.  Through our relationship I’ve learned that having a stable, reliable framework to bounce around in and off of (but always come back to) is healthy for me.  I’ve learned to go along with things he likes to plan for (trips) and he’s learned to allow room for some spontaneity.  It’s been 20 years now....full of both blessings but painful times too. I’ve learned to speak up for more of my needs.  I think in the end you learn what you can/can’t expect as well as should /shouldn’t expect from your mate.  Be grateful for the things they bring to your life and what you bring into their life too.  As far as getting my N needs met.....I have great friends I talk with, and I always have projects, music and books to keep my brain happy.  Yes, at times I’ve felt heartbroken over not fully being able to share N with him, but with all things considered, it’s never been a deal breaker.  

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