Idealists to the core, INFJs are the ultimate hopeless romantics. These personalities care deeply about people and generally look to form meaningful connections with others and find kindred spirits in whom they can confide. But if INFJs are so connected and compassionate, why is it so hard for them to find love?

Let’s take a look at some reasons.

#1: INFJs are Idealists

INFJs are Idealists who care about personal growth and bringing the best out in others. This sounds great on paper, but it also means you may idolize people and create unrealistic expectations when it comes to romantic partnerships. For you, romantic attachment is about finding a soulmate – that one special person with whom you can truly connect. Problems arise when you put that person on a pedestal and refuse to see your relationship for what it really is.

As INFJs have Ni (Introverted Intuition) as their main function, they’re used to looking far ahead in the future. Therefore, it’s easy for an INFJ to be enamored by the potential of a relationship, while ignoring all the issues they may need to face in the moment to make the relationship work.

Growth tip: Keep your wild idealistic mind in check. Sometimes, the best way to know if a relationship is working is to get practical. Be clear about your needs and intentions, and communicate them. What are your non-negotiables? What are some blind spots you may need to work on?

#2: INFJs can be intensely private

The poet Warsan Shire said, “My alone feels so good, I’ll only have you if you’re sweeter than my solitude.” As an INFJ, I relate to this sentiment a lot. Truth is, INFJs are not only Introverts—personality types who rely on spending time alone to reenergize—but also very private people.

When it comes to romantic relationships, we can struggle to open up emotionally. We care deeply about others but, reserved as we are, we take our time evaluating if we’re ready to be vulnerable and show our true, authentic selves.

As an INFJ, this level of privacy is natural for you. But it can be alienating or downright confusing for others. They may think you’re not as interested in them as you are or misunderstand your intentions.                            

Growth tip: You enjoy your alone time and expect to find someone who respects it. But don’t let that stop you from making the first move. Remember, you can access what happens inside your head but others can’t always guess what you’re thinking.

#3: INFJs look for long-term commitment

Relationships can be overwhelming for the sensitive INFJ. After all, we tune into other people’s emotions and sometimes struggle to sort our complex feelings out.

Yet, as intense as INFJ relationships can be, these personalities usually seek long-term commitment from a partner, not a casual fling. In fact, INFJs are a personality type that takes dating very seriously. 

From an INFJ’s point of view, this all-or-nothing approach makes sense. After all, it can take a long time for an INFJ to trust someone and open up to them. And remember, INFJs focus on self-improvement and enjoy the idea of planning and building towards something. If the relationship is going nowhere, then what’s the point?

Growth tip: There’s nothing wrong in looking for a long-term partnership. Just make sure you are clear about your intentions from the get-go, so you’re both on the same page.

#4: INFJs have a deep desire to be understood

INFJs are big-picture thinkers who ask existential questions, wondering why the world functions the way it does and what can be done to improve it. They don’t like small talk any more than other Introverts do. Therefore, when looking for a romantic partner, INFJ personalities are usually attracted to people who share their enthusiasm for knowledge and make the INFJ feel seen.

An ideal partner for an INFJ doesn’t have to love the same music or books they do, but they must be a great conversationalist. And they must listen to the INFJ’s insights about grand philosophical questions or super-niche interests. Lack of ambition, or motivation for discovery, can be a deal-breaker for an INFJ.

Growth tip: You may want others to understand you but acceptance should start from within. So remember to take care of yourself first before you place these expectations on a romantic partner. 

#5: INFJs can be prey to toxic people

We all have some ‘difficult’ personality traits and no one is immune from being toxic at times.  However, INFJs seem to be particularly prey to manipulative personalities. Why? Mainly, because they can be too nice for their own good. As empathetic personalities, INFJs can feel deeply what someone else is feeling and have a tendency to try to “fix” others. When you put others first all the time, you’re bound to come across people who want to take advantage of your generosity.

Also, INFJ types can struggle to manage conflict. We are at our happiest when everyone is on the same page, and any type of conflict can overwhelm us. This may lead us to rush for closure or simply shut down to avoid a confrontation. We might also say yes to something when we really want to say no just because we’re emotionally exhausted.

Growth tip: Trust your intuition. Your intuition rarely lets you down, so listen to it. It’s a powerful tool that can help you assert yourself and walk away from a potentially toxic relationship.

Summing it up

INFJs have unique needs and expectations when it comes to romantic relationships and you may struggle to find someone who matches you intellectually and emotionally. But don’t let that stop you from making the first move! As a fellow INFJ, I believe that the more you understand and accept yourself, the easier it gets to let go of what no longer serves you. Then you can find the people who will love you for who you truly are.

Andreia Esteves
Andreia is an INFJ who used to think she was the only person in the world terrified of answering the phone. She works as a freelance writer covering all things mental health, and psychology related. When not writing, you’ll find her cozying up with a book, or baking vegan treats. Find her at: https://andreiaesteves.com/