Why Insecure People Attack Others – and How Your EQ Can Protect You
You’re out for brunch with friends and the topic turns to romance. Your bestie is lamenting her Tinder date ghosting her, wondering if she should text him yet again, when you try to console her and say she deserves better. She whips her head around and delivers the punchline.
“What would you know? Not all of us settled for the first guy we met in college.”
It’s a gut punch. You were trying to be kind and supportive, and instead she threw it back in your face. You look at her. She’s smiling as if it’s no big deal, but there’s that cruel glint in her eye.
“Living day to day can be stressful and it's even more so when we have to deal with unwarranted attacks from others,” says Brandon Zahl, a licensed mental health counselor practicing at Vital Flow Therapy in Seattle, WA. “Why did this person do this, and how do we respond to this distorted story about who we are and what we did?"
Those are precisely the questions we want to answer. If you’ve ever been on the receiving end of a random verbal attack, you’ll know how much it can sting. At worst, it can shake your self‑esteem and damage relationships. In this article, we’ll be looking at why insecure people lash out and asking, is there a way to handle it empathetically without falling to their level?
Why Do Insecure People Lash Out?
What we’re talking about here is low self‑esteem. Most of us interpret this to mean someone who feels down on themselves or who doesn’t like what they see when they look in the mirror. But self‑esteem issues run much deeper.
Krista Norris, LMFT, PhD(c), Practice Owner at Conscious Connection Therapy Services LLC, says that people with low self‑esteem “carry underlying shame or self-doubt that feels painful to face directly.” They often find it difficult to face the root of their problems, and lashing out at others can redirect attention outward instead of inward, which protects “a fragile sense of self.”
People with low self‑esteem also have a heightened sense of power dynamics. It’s as if they have a running leaderboard in their mind, constantly tracking who’s on top. Lashing out at people is a cheap way of bringing them down, at least momentarily, to their level.
“People go into attack mode as an unconscious, reactive behavior to manage their own negative emotions. If somebody else can be the problem, then they won't have to face the emotions going on inside,” says Zahl. “Attacking others offers a sense of power and righteousness that helps mask the underlying vulnerability that we all feel when emotions such as shame, fear and sadness come up.”
Psychologists call this behavior a defense mechanism. When someone feels threatened internally, criticizing another person can restore a temporary sense of control or superiority, and it often takes the form of projection – pinning traits on someone else that they don’t want to acknowledge in themselves.
But as Norris says, “Unfortunately, while it may provide short-term relief, it rarely resolves the deeper insecurity driving the behavior.” Over time, lashing out can become their habitual response to stress and harden into their go‑to way of dealing with uncomfortable emotions.
The Role of Emotional Intelligence
Of course, not everyone who has low self‑esteem is in the habit of tearing others down. The difference between those who do and those who hold their tongue can come down to emotional intelligence (EQ). How high or low your EQ is directly impacts how you manage your emotions and relate to others.
People with lower EQ often find it difficult to control the intensity and duration of their emotions. As a result, they may react impulsively rather than pausing before acting on anger. Norris says that emotions like fear, embarrassment or frustration may emerge as “aggression,” and this “can make conflict more frequent and intense.”
People with low EQ are also less likely to examine what’s happening for them internally, blaming others for their problems instead. “Blame-shifting allows individuals to externalize responsibility, which protects them from uncomfortable self-examination,” says Norris. “It preserves a sense of stability in the short term by avoiding guilt or vulnerability.”
When low self‑esteem combines with low EQ, these defenses can become a well-worn way of dealing with difficult feelings. Instead of feeling and naming their emotions, the person attacks, blames and pushes the discomfort onto someone else.
These issues may run deep, and you won’t be able to change their behavior. But you can control yours. One way to do that is by using your higher EQ as a buffer.
Want to understand and develop your own EQ? Take Truity’s free Emotional Intelligence (EQ) test.
Anatomy of a High EQ Response
The following strategies will help you choose a calm and measured response that does not feed their emotional storm.
Step 1: Stay calm
The minute you react emotionally, you give the other person power. Try using this grounding technique instead.
Give yourself a few seconds before you respond. In that pause, say to yourself “I can listen to what they say without absorbing it” or “Their reaction has nothing to do with my worth.” Separating their words from your reaction takes heat out of the moment and gives you more space and a calmer mindset to decide how you want to respond.
Step 2: Acknowledge what was said
Instead of ignoring the attack or trying to skirt around it, name it directly. You acknowledge that they have said something, but you do not treat it as the truth. You can be specific about how the comment landed for you and clear that you do not share their view.
When you are dealing with someone with low EQ, keep your language simple and direct. Use “I” statements rather than “you” statements, for example “I felt hurt by that comment” instead of “You were really out of line.” That keeps the focus on your experience, not on judging their character.
“Active listening also goes a long way,” says Norris. “Avoid overloading conversations with emotional nuance if the person struggles to process it.”
Step 3: Set a boundary
If you feel confident to do so, now may be the time to set a clear boundary. You don’t have to get into a heated conversation; you can be clear that a line has been crossed and walk away.
“Keep it short and simple,” advises Zahl. “'I know you're upset but I won't let you talk to me like this.' If they get defensive or dismiss your statement, that's your cue to exit the conversation.”
Step 4: Use the JADE principle
If you’re worried about getting caught up in an argument, the JADE principle can stop you getting pulled into the petty details. “Do not continue to justify, argue, defend or explain (JADE),” says Zahl. “That will typically escalate the situation as the person is in no mood to face themselves. You can state your plans but you don't need to justify or get their permission.”
How to Deal with Repeat Offenders
There’s a major difference between a one‑off jab you can quickly brush off, and a habitual pattern of attack. Norris says that if the same person continues to lash out at you, clear, consistent boundaries are key. “This might include calmly stating what language or tone you won't accept and disengaging if it continues. Consistency helps reinforce expectations over time.”
Bear in mind that boundaries are about managing your behavior, not about fixing theirs. “The counter-intuitive thing with boundaries is that they should not be seen as a way to convince the other person of their wrongdoing,” says Zahl. “Trying to get them to change just keeps you involved in the toxic dynamic.” In other words, you can only control how you respond, not what they choose to do. It’s up to them to decide if they want to continue having a relationship with you and are willing to meet the standard you have set.
“When you feel your own power to bring peace and positivity into your life, it's much easier to stop trying to fix that other person,” Zahl says. “They are on their own path and bear the responsibility for the consequences of their behavior.”
Why This Knowledge Matters
A person’s insecurities may explain why they lash out, but they don’t erase the impact on you. Being on the receiving end still hurts, and it is still your job to protect your own well‑being.
What you have now is context you didn’t have before. You can recognize when someone is acting from shame, low self‑esteem or low EQ instead of assuming you must have done something to deserve it. You can use that insight to respond with a clearer head and decide what boundaries you need.
In the end, you do not have to absorb their version of you. You can feel compassion if you choose to, and still draw a firm line around how you expect to be spoken to. You don’t need their permission to protect your own well‑being.
