Playful Pairings: Enneagram Couples Who Are Unusually Happy Together

People often turn to the Enneagram to improve their intimate relationships and when you think about it, it makes a lot of sense. The Harvard Study of Adult Development, a longitudinal study running over 80 years, found that strong, supportive relationships are the most reliable predictors of long-term happiness, health and longevity. The quality of our relationships predicts our happiness — and even our lifespans — more than wealth or fame.

Since our relationships are the source of our deepest joy, it stands to reason we’d look for tools to help us have better ones. This is such a rich topic, I wrote an entire 500-page book about it.  In The Nine Keys, I interviewed over 100 people about their relationships, examining partner dynamics through the lens of the Enneagram.  

I spoke with people of all type combinations, from couples whose Enneagram type couldn’t be more opposite to couples who share the exact same habit of attention.  During my research, I found a few pairings that seemed unusually happy together. While it’s important to remember that all Enneagram type combinations can have successful relationships, these playful pairings reported consistently high levels of enjoyment and relationship satisfaction.  

The High Energy Love Match: Types Three and Seven 

Boundless energy is what fuels this pairing, and both partners may feel a sense of relief to finally have found someone who can match their pace. Type Threes and Type Sevens tend to be positive, social, lively and outgoing, with full schedules of multiple activities. They share a can-do attitude and a belief in a brighter future that can be uplifting to those around them.

Type Threes bring a practical orientation, a sense of priority and a concern about appearances. With their drive to look good in the eyes of other people, they dedicate time and energy to make sure the couple is accomplished and well-regarded in the community.

In contrast, Type Sevens are driven by a sense of adventure. They have a desire for fun and an appetite for the new. Resilient and bold, they can be spontaneous and outrageous, traits that are both balancing and sometimes healing for their Type Three partner.

The two complement each other with the Type Three focusing on goal achievement and practicality, and the Type Seven bringing a sense of fun and adventure. This couple can be almost legendary in its energy level with others marveling at how they keep it up.

Anita, a Type Three married in a 19-year relationship with Harold, a Type Seven, told me, “We both have LOTS of energy, despite being in our 70s and 80s. Our friends call us Energizer bunnies! We like to stay busy and are very active in our community. Together we spearheaded a group of local residents to make, paint and hang wooden Christmas decorations for all the storefronts on the Main Street of our small California town. We love the holidays and are Santa and Mrs. Claus for our town’s Holiday Parade of Lights. We are also active in our local church community and organize lots of events and initiatives there. We are energized doing these types of activities and enjoy doing them together. They give us a chance to give back to the community and all we are grateful for. We met and married later in life, and we often speculate what our lives would have been like if we had married earlier. However, we’ve concluded we would probably have burned each other out as we both enjoy a very full schedule and a breakneck pace.”

The Shadow Side

Even the happiest of couples face their challenges, and this pair is no different. Both are assertive types so they’re unstoppable when aligned, but when their agendas compete, there can be issues. Both are self-interested and it can be difficult for them to reach compromise. 

Louis, a Type Seven in a 12-year relationship with Angelina, Type Three shares, “I see the world as a place filled with opportunity while my wife brings a more practical focus. For example, she is very intent on us achieving our financial goals. She meticulously plans and manages how we spend all of our money. When we agree on a plan, I can begin to feel constrained and limited even though I agreed to it. A budget makes me feel trapped. But we work together to find a great balance of being flexible, having fun and meeting our financial goals.

Practical tip: Consciously create space for both ambition and adventure.

Hearts in Harmony: Types Two and Nine

The Type Two and Nine pairing is all about nurturing and deep acceptance. Both are “other-referencing,” meaning they use other people’s needs and experiences as their primary reference point. Both place a high value on harmony. Both can be accommodating, low-key and compassionate; they see the pain in others and want to help alleviate suffering.  This is a warm, loving relationship with little direct conflict, but with many foundational similarities, there are some balancing differences.

Type Twos are generally more social, engaging, decisive and extraverted. They bring energy and initiative to the dynamic, and they may drive the social calendar of the couple. Relationships are important to them, and they gain a lot of happiness from their interactions with other people. With this consistent drive to connect, they need less alone time than their Peacemaker partner.

Type Nine offer steadiness, uncomplicated directness and a relaxed, easygoing attitude. They are adaptable and can be comfortable in a lot of different environments. More low-energy and less decisive than their Type Two partner, they take more time to putter, process their feelings and just generally relax. Together, this can be an easygoing, sensitive, kind and altruistic pair. They support each other in a variety of ways ranging from affirmation, acts of service, physical presence and kind gestures. Both strive to be sensitive. 

Emma, Type Two, says of her 15-year relationship with Type Nine David, “Our friends think of us as “the chill couple” and “the effortlessly in love couple.” We enjoy having people over for games, holidays and so forth but we also appreciate our privacy. While we are both introverts, welcoming people into our home has always been the natural thing for us to do. We have five rescue dogs because we both love animals and feel like if we have space, the time and the money we should give a homeless animal a home…”

Fotini, a Type Nine, says of her 23-year partnership with Thodoris, her Type Two husband, “Thodoris creates a loving, safe space for me and others. I feel adored and fully accepted by him, and he has a gift for holding a healing emotional space for people. We are very accepting, supportive and considerate of each other and have experienced a psychic link, often calling each other at exactly the same time or knowing what the other is thinking or having intuitive knowledge about one another.”

The Shadow Side

Because both types are so other-focused and harmony-focused,  this “effortlessly in love” couple may let important issues go unaddressed. Emma confesses, “In our relationship, we don’t really fight. I think we’re both too lazy to hold a grudge or to be angry for very long. We might argue, but it’s over in minutes. However, this means issues don’t always get fully aired, and at the moment we have a very unbalanced power dynamic that we basically treat as an unspoken agreement. Money is always an issue with us, but it is never a sore subject. I left my very high-paying job in Toronto to move to Montreal to be with David after he moved here to help my brother run the family business. He works nonstop, and when he comes home, he drinks to numb out from all the stress. I end up feeling alone, unwanted and unloved. We never really talk about it in depth, but we both know it’s there, and it’s like this omnipresent black cloud that follows us.”

Practical tip: Create a low-risk ritual for airing grievances before they accumulate. 

The Inner World Alliance: Types Four and Five 

It may come as a surprise that the deeply feeling Type Four bonds well with the deeply analytical Type Five, but these two bring complementary traits to each other, and this can be a very harmonizing relationship. Both seek depth and are curious, open-minded and private. They value time alone and give their partner a great deal of personal freedom.

Type Fours are tuned into the colorful and vivid world of emotion. They bring a lyrical and artistic quality to the partnership as well as a sensitivity to their own feelings and the feelings of others. This can be almost endlessly fascinating to their Type Five partner who tends to have a more monochromatic experience in the world of emotion. Type Fours invite their more mental partner to get out of their head and into their heart and body.

Type Fives bring a grounded, focused, analytical quality to the partnership, and they help anchor their Type Four who can get swept away by emotional storms. They accept their partner fully and easily which can be healing for the Type Four who often feels misunderstood.

Together, this couple can share a high level of contextual communication. They may have inside jokes, facial expressions, signals and so forth that serve as a private language shared just between the two of them. Both can be unconventional and irreverent, and they may bond through their shared quirkiness. Neither is easily offended by the other which helps to foster intimacy between the two. In this match, both partners feel they have full permission to be themselves and follow their own, surprisingly fun drumbeat.

Ericha, a Type Four in a  two-year relationship with Thomas, a Type Five says, “One of the things I truly love about our relationship is the depth-of emotion, of creativity, of intellectual discussion, of sharing. We can comfortably talk for hours! But we both also cherish our alone time, so I never feel pressure to interact with him. We often sit quietly together, thinking or daydreaming privately, but sharing space.

I really appreciate that nothing-no thought, no emotion, no opinion, no idea-is too weird or “out there” for him. I can express myself, my creative impulses and my emotions without the fear of being judged. And I think I offer him the same thing in return. He has this amazing ability to take me completely seriously but also help me to lighten up.”

Thomas adds, “Ericha brings inspiration, understanding, listening, caretaking, humor, sensuality, insightfulness, examples of new ways to live my life and a reflection of myself through her perspective. She offers chances for both of us to engage with new and interesting activities, for me to explore deeply a human being other than myself and ways to be aware and in touch with my body and emotions. She inspires mutual acceptance to be as weird as we need.”

The Shadow Side

Different rhythms can become a trigger for this couple if they don’t have high awareness. “Our difference in pace has been a big challenge in our relationship,” Ericha says. “Thomas likes to take his time, to think things through, not to feel rushed. I tend to go on instinct and to act quickly based on my emotions. This can create a lot of friction. I get frustrated that it takes him so long to do tasks or make decisions. He gets frustrated with my insistence on action and that sometimes elicits an even firmer “no” on his part. In this relationship, I’m learning patience, which is not my strong suit, and we try to meet in the middle.”

Practical tip:  Name your pace differences in advance so they don’t feel personal.

Final Thoughts

These pairings show us that joy in a relationship is a mix of magic and effort, and the takeaway shouldn’t be that certain types are destined for happiness together. It’s actually increased awareness that improves your odds for success. When we understand our own patterns and the patterns of the person we love, we gain a deeper understanding of our relationship. The Enneagram doesn’t determine compatibility, but it gives you tools to increase your odds of success.