The Female INTJ’s Guide to Finding Friends Who Get You

It's no secret that INTJs have a hard time making friends. Solitary by nature, their interests tend to be deep, contemplative and out of reach of the "regular" folk. Most INTJs would rather spend their time acquiring knowledge than wasting time with irrational social rituals such as small talk, gift giving and reciprocity. This may cause other personality types to perceive them as cold, distant and standoffish.

Since friendship requires a bedrock of mutuality, these traits can leave the INTJ in a very lonely place. Female INTJs in particular may struggle to fit in when it comes to socializing with other women. The top five personality types for women are all Feeling types. While no woman is defined by her personality profile, it is broadly true that Feeling-oriented personality types are likely to display the traits typically prescribed as "feminine"- traits such as empathy, emotional availability and consideration for others.

INTJ women, by contrast, display classically "masculine" traits such as rationality and intellectual intensity. These traits are opposed to the preferences of the majority of other women. It does not help that INTJ females are incredibly rare, comprising just 0.9% of the female population. Outside of the Internet, a female INTJ is not likely to stumble across a hard-headed, zealously honest, assertively go-getting INTJ sister anytime soon. No wonder, then, that so many of us feel like a square peg in a round hole.

Yet no INTJ can exist in a silo, no matter how socially averse they are. Here is a practical guide to finding friends who'll appreciate you, as well as making the most of those precious connections.

Change Your Mindset

Introverts tend to have fewer friends than extraverts, and INTJs have a stronger tendency than other introverted types to be the "lone wolf." In fact, most INTJs will have only three or four close friends their whole life. Most of their social relationships will be with acquaintances who are never elevated to friendship status. There is nothing wrong with this. All it means is that you are discriminating.

The starting point, then, is to stop pressuring yourself to be more social. The amount of work you would have to put in to sustain dozens of friendships would drain you dry. If you'd rather sit at home with a good book, do that. The genuine friendships will come along when you are relaxed and ready.

Do Stuff That Interests You

INTJs are reluctant socializers. Attending a party or a social event is the most grueling job many of us can think of, and this cuts out many of the avenues that women use for finding friends.

Luckily, there are plenty more intimate places where you're likely to meet people with similar interests to your own. Clubs focused around your hobbies, a recurring class, sports clubs, a volunteering group, the dojo - like-minded women hang out in all of these places and you'll be able to meet them simply by getting out and doing what you are interested in. From there, it's easy to start a conversation about the activity you are actually doing and geek out together over it. As an INTJ, finding someone to share your ideas with is the only way to develop true friendship.

Trust your Intuition

Before setting out to make friends, most INTJs have a set of criteria in mind that a person must meet before the INTJ will become friends with them. That criteria will be different for every INTJ based on their values and interests. But whether or not they admit it, almost every INTJ will evaluate a potential friend before they make any attempt to commit to a friendship.

Some say that this approach is too analytical and limiting, and that people should not be categorized according to some intangible interpretation of worth. I think it's better to trust your intuition. INTJs feel let down if they waste time pursuing projects that have no future. It's OK to keep track of what people say and do and to write them off as friendship material whenever they cross a line. Conversely, when a person ticks all the right boxes, reach out. It's rare to find someone who gets your bluntness, your sarcasm and your dark humor. When you do stumble across a fellow NT or NF type, you'd be foolish not to connect with them.

...But Don't Pigeonhole Playmates Too Quickly

INTJs can be pretty judgmental when meeting new people. They have a tendency to write off potentially outstanding female friends based on a few initial details. For example, you might avoid a new female colleague simply because she's into fashion and makeup.

Pigeonholing people is a mistake. A woman might engage in celebrity gossip, but the chances are she is not only into that stuff. She could also enjoy politics, philosophy or science. Like you, she might desperately be searching for someone who shares those interests so she can enjoy a stimulating conversation. Or she might enjoy completely different things to you, but she puts so much thought into them you can't help being attracted to her smarts. Yes, a lot of people who seem shallow actually are. But a few are not. It is a mistake to assume that your preliminary typing of other women is correct. So give them a chance.

Take the Lead in Conversation

How do you know if a new acquaintance has the hidden depths you're looking for? Through small talk. Yes, you read that right. Small talk is awesome for making friends and most INTJ's do not appreciate its value. That's because they see it as shallow, boring and irritating, when in fact it is the ideal way to throw out any number of topics and work with your potential friend until you converge on a topic that both of you find interesting.

No one is suggesting that you spend endless hours chatting about shoes or the weather. But being willing to explore these topics might help you get inside the mind of your new acquaintance, vet them for trustworthiness and push deeper until you find common ground. Stuck for ideas? You already share your womanhood. Exchanging your female-related issues and jokes is a natural way to bond over your experiences.

Just Ask! 

Initially, making friends is about putting yourself out there. But it may come as a shock to learn that the women you meet are not sitting around waiting for you to select them as a long-term friend. As well as following these tips, you'll have to be a little bit assertive, make a polite request for meeting up again and not get offended if the other person says no.

Don't be too proud to ask for what you want. If you want to hang out, it's up to you to invite the other person to a casual brunch, the movies, or whatever. If you meet people you like and want their friendship, tell them. "This was a great conversation, it would be great to meet up again," is literally all it takes.

If it feels weird asking your new acquaintance out for a movie or dinner, suggest an activity that doesn't depart too much from what you ordinarily do together. For example, you might ask a woman you've met in dance class if they want to try a different class with you or go shopping for dance gear. Sticking with what you know should make you both feel more comfortable while opening the door to a deeper connection. Good luck!

Jayne Thompson

Jayne is a freelance copywriter, business writing blogger and the blog editor here at Truity. One part word nerd, two parts skeptic, she helps writing-challenged clients discover the amazing power of words on a page. Jayne is an INTJ and lives in Yorkshire, UK with her ENTJ husband and two baffling children. Find Jayne at White Rose Copywriting.

Comments

Keith Lyn Bitanga (not verified) says...

I'm always free if someone is asking for help ;)

Asher (not verified) says...

I'm always terrified when I ask for help. I always think that it makes me seem bland and boring

Todd Gilbert (not verified) says...

You guys continue to freak me out with your insight of my personality! I truly had no idea that I fell into such a distinct "category".

Guest (not verified) says...

Why the difference between INTJ male and female. Sexuality doesn't change your personality type, does it??

Anyways, was a good read. Have always found your articles spot on. Would hope to see more such articles based on practical approaches for real world socialising.

Guest (not verified) says...

There may not be a difference, but society naturally views men and women in different ways. Masculine traits vs. feminine traits...etc. It is terrible, but stereotypes exist, so maybe in society people aren't "used" to female intjs. What does society picture in their head when someone lists off the traits of an INTJ? This is coming from a female INTJ herself, so believe me, I get it.

Christi (not verified) says...

"In fact, most INTJs will have only three or four close friends their whole life."

You don't know how comforting those words are. I wish I had read something like this when I was in college, when I was trying so hard to be "normal" and wound up so unhappy as a result. The freedom to be myself and pursue my own interests, without the pressure of being socially active, is huge!

JF (not verified) says...

I've struggled over my entire life with co-workers who were perceived me as abrasive, abrupt, quick to judge, and too process oriented and logical. But I get so frustrated by endless group meetings of extroverted interruptions, snap judgments, multitasking, and no time for individual contribution or critical thought. Thank you for the ideas to better connect with peers of differing personality types. It's what's holding me back.
I'm at a cross-roads trying to decide if I can continue in my extroverted retail job, or pursue something more serene and individual. That's hard to change tracks being over 50.

IB (not verified) says...

JF,
I'm an INTJ female in EXACTLY the same boat you're in...no paddles in sight and heading fast towards the falls.
My personal opinion is go with what would make you happier in your Autumn years...

Making this very same decision myself is extremely difficult, I'd rather NOT have to deal with the massive extroverted responsibilities I've had to masquerade behind to attend the damn endless meetings, cater to the public, blah blah. BUT, the transition I want to make and have wanted to do for years now (specifically to regain serenity and sanity) causes massive unrest in my home, re: my disgruntled spouse. And boy, it causes fireworks when he "discusses" this with me. None the happier to be at these very same crossroads, I literally feel your pain.

Replying to your post, I've reflected on my own quandary and should take my own following advice, eh?
Life is unpredictable, fleetingly short at this end of it. Tomorrow has never, and never will, be promised to anyone ever. Do what your heart (yes, that thing that keeps hanging around with Brain) tells you is right for YOU. If this is the eternal pursuit of inner peace, serenity and individuality...go for it while you can.

In the end, there's still only you. Go live your life true to that person you really are. You'll never get to meet her if you don't, and you'll never know what's around that particular bend if you never take that journey.

Best wishes to you.

Guest (not verified) says...

Thank you. You provided very useful information.

Hummingbirdhumming.Guest (not verified) says...

An interesting article with some correct observations.It is really hard to be part of anything social in old age.
I am a widow and finding life as difficult now as it was in childhood.
No one speaks my language so
I make my own future.
I value freedom above all things and cannot spend time with people that do not share any or few of my own values.
This is not an easy option as
I enjoy and love humankind but I just do not fit in.

Guest (not verified) says...

I am 66 years old and also share your same sentiments. Getting to this age being an Intj has not been easy and there have been some regrets. Mostly when I did not follow my true self and tried to fit in with others. Not realizing that it would only bring failure and heartache. So now at this ripe old age when people try to label me and make suggestions on what I should do, I just nod my head, sometimes I smile and come to realize I need to leave this situation alone, sometimes, I hang onto a relationship not because it is productive or healthy but because it is down right entertaining. But eventually, I have to let it go because it becomes to overwhelming and judgements.. So k retreat back into myself with my thoughts, good books, tv and my best friend of late the iPad. When I try to step out of myself I get into trouble, never fails. This old bird is still learning not to feel so alone.

Marie24622 (not verified) says...

I hope that you're able to find a way to be happy. I'm a 16 year old INTJ and I have the same concerns expressed by people in the comments :(

Aline Garcez (not verified) says...

Great content!
Unfortunately the INTJ women suffer too with social pressure. Our values ​​and knowledge are simply not recognized, we are stoned by criticism unfounded and made to fit in society like any other woman. But we are not, we are independent, intellectual, nothing prevents us from reaching our goal, as we place all our time and thinking to achieve our goals, unlike the population of the rest, who spends hours on end speaking ill of another's life and forget to take care of their own lives. The INTJ is not cold and superficial, we are true, and when we like someone, it is simply sublime, because we know identify the needs of our partner, we spend all our time in making it succeed, INTJ know how to love deeply and not superficially, when an INTJ falls, all his rudeness and harshness steps aside making room for long conversations, full of humor and affection demonstration.

Loneliness severely punishes the INTJ.

Ronnie (not verified) says...

I completely agree.
As a female INTJ, I have found that society seems like a lonely place. Not only do most people not understand my actions and thoughts, it seems as though no one is competent enough to take the time to try to understand. Loneliness is a punishment for the INTJ, especially the female, as most other females are social creatures who enjoy talking about things that most other females find interesting. Not for me.
We definitely aren't as cold as people paint us out to be. In love, I find that I never have "crushes", but rather "intriguing people" that I begin to notice. For me, or just for the INTJ female, it's either interest at first sight or nothing. I can tell quickly whether or not someone can possibly be a partner. And when we fall for someone, we fall- it doesn't have to do with appearance, but rather with the personality and knowledge of whom we've fallen for.

Kolyzo (not verified) says...

I allowed my ex wife who is very socialy active dictate my social calendar and I found myself socialising and hanging out with people so boring, they made watching paint dry seem like an invigorating experience. People whose every word was not to express an opinion but project an image. Agree with every audience they found themselves in just to belong. I finally lost the will to live after one pretty bad experience. I love football, pretty fanatical about it. There was a husband to one of her social butterfly friends who always talked excitedly about football whenever I was around. Then one afternoon I rushed round to his house to drop something - he was upstairs on his computer, the TV downstairs was off. It was the day of 2010 world cup final!

I always used to feel so drained around this guy, his friends - all my ex's entourage. Ever since we split I know why. Living with her surrounded by ber friends was like living in a grave surrounded by other corpses. Now even though alone I feel alive. able to do my own things and relate with my few frinds, who are comfortable in their own skins

Ren (not verified) says...

Judging and dismissing women for being into fashion and makeup...omg, lol! I thought I was the only one who did that! And I have totally done that to a new female colleague!!

Guest (not verified) says...

I am a 66,year old Intj that have loved makeup and fashion since I was 13yrs old. Now what I do hate is talking about it. When other women approach me about my appearance and want to babble on about how nice you look, what lipstick, foundation, where you buy your clothes and etc, I want to puke. That is not my thing. To me it is like asking me how do you bathe, brush your teeth and other things you do to be groomed. So don,t think every woman with makeup and fashionable is someone to be shunned. I experienced that my whole life even by women who are well made up and fashionable because I did not fit into or could not fit into their conversations. So see, I am an Intj that fits in mowhere, not even my other intjs
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Rachel E (not verified) says...

I disagree that "As an INTJ, finding someone to share your ideas with is the only way to develop true friendship." I have only had a few close friends in my life, true enough, but all of them are, in different ways, quite different from me. I believe that all of them are Feeling, and two of the three are Extroverted rather than Introverted (and the third is close to the middle of the scale). The key is respecting-and, in fact, enjoying-the differences, not sharing the same ideas.

DLP (not verified) says...

I finally don't feel like im an outcast anymore. I'm so different from my family and people that know me. The only one that truely knows me is my husband and luckly he shares the same personality type as me. My husband understands my way of thinking and knows that Im not trying to be rude about certain things. Like for example my wonderful parents had a wedding reception for me and my husband. Because we both just eloped on our own. But my parents felt I needed to have a reception so ok. But as much as I was thankful, I hate social gatherings like that. So my parents think im ungratful and truth be told I am grateful but Iam just not into that stuff. I wish I could have more female friends but everyone just thinks im cold hearted and standoffish. But truth be told I hate large gatherings. Its so weird too because my parents think me and my husband don't do enough social activities but its good to know that me and my husband see nothing wrong with cooking and staying home and reading a good book :)

I have tried to be more social but its such a chore to be social. But being social to my brother comes naturally and people love his I just want to please you mentality. But then again me and my brother are so different that we never talk. Because there is nothing intellectual that I can talk about with my brother, he has HS dipolma and thats it. He could be intellectually smart without any kind of higher education but thats not the case with him. All you can talk to him about is basketball, football, and working out thats about it.

I hope when I go to barnes and noble I can find others that share my personality type so that I can have an intellectually stimulating conversation with other women.

TrinaBeana (not verified) says...

"Stop pressuring yourself to be more social." I appreciate this statement. My husband is very social and many times I feel like something is wrong with me. But I do want to make more friends (the few friends I have made throughout my life have all moved out of state). These tips are very helpful and the description of my personality is exactly right. It makes me feel a tad bit more normal to know that others feel and act the way I do.

SG (not verified) says...

Interesting post and comments. I was just talking to my husband about feeling like an "outsider". When I first learned I was an INTJ and did a bit of reading on it, I was like "of course!" Of course, I'm a "mastermind", of course, I'm a rare type, of course, of course...I felt a bit of pride over the whole thing. Now that's it's sunk in a bit, I'm seeing it more for the burden that it is. Frankly, people think I'm an odd duck. And, I'd rather not be an odd duck! I have many warm friendships, but nothing very close. I'm not cold or rude to people, I have good social skills. But, I do find that despite well-developed empathy for sad situations, when confronted with a friend's minor, life-conundrums, I'm pretty chilly. I can't understand why they don't just see the logic of the situation and pull themselves out of it! I mean, I get it - not everyone is TJ, but come on! I've pointed out the solution, let's move on! Who the f cares what so and so did or thinks? Ha. Wherever their minds are, whatever they are feeling, is a total mystery to me. I don't think I let on that I'm exasperated, but I think it must come through, because people keep me at arms length. My family thinks I am a stubborn, know it all, but they are all messes, constantly screwing up their lives. They come to me for advice and then hate me for it. Argh. I do like parties, btw. Can't be pigeonholed that much, but I shut down after just a short time, like a true introvert. I just wish I could find more like-minded women, those with interests. I don't know a single woman with a consistent hobby or that like to read up on interests outside of their daily life. What do they do with their time? Are they watching t.v.? Cooking? I can't figure it out. Doesn't everyone try to identify plants and read about the lifestyles of the medieval family? I'm 40. I have no idea when I'm going to get comfortable with this weird little life I'm living. I'm fearful that my daughter will be like me and not like me. INTJ life. Meh.

ameliaruby says...

What I've found out, is that around really good friends that I trust, I turn into an ENFJ. With friends I trust, I become more of an extraverts because I'm more chatty around them. I can express how I feel (when I find the right words) if I really trust them, which makes me more of a feeler.

Peach (not verified) says...

Interesting. I think i share this. But i hadn't seen it in those terms before. I have said that I'm extroverted and touchy feely for an INTJ, which is true.
I bet trust is a much larger portion f this equation than i previously recognized.

BryanC (not verified) says...

While I am not a female I am an INTJ and I can relate to nearly all of the things mentioned in this article - most particularly the statement of "It's rare to find someone who gets your bluntness, your sarcasm and your dark humor." Of the friends that I have had over the course of my life there certainly have been those that have appreciated these and other qualities of my personality but rarely did they really 'get' me. The fact that I am also majorly ADHD and have suffered from depressive and social anxiety issues my whole life has only compounded the problem. Being a gay man has exacerbated the issue even further - nearly every time I'm 'friendly' to another guy (and truly it is difficult and awkward enough for me) they usually take it as being sexually related and almost all the guys that I have met who want to be 'friends' have actually really just wanted sex or a dating/boyfriend type relationship. Being so damn handsome can be a curse. ;-) Hahaha

Guest1111111 (not verified) says...

Hi, Got into a fight with one of my INTJ friends lately. Any suggestions to patch things up? Thanks.

CaptainSakonna (not verified) says...

It's hard to advise without knowing more about what happened between you, or what state the friendship was left in afterward. I haven't read a lot about how to placate the stereotypical INTJ, but speaking for myself as one of them ...

*For someone who loves having arguments (and winning them) as much as INTJs do, "you were right" is an especially delicious concession. You might try saying that if you can do so honestly. If you can't go that far, just demonstrating a greater level of respect for whatever your friend's viewpoint was might help.
*Deal directly with the actual issue that caused offense. Don't try to smooth things over with "peace offerings" like chocolate ... to me, at least, that feels like being bought off. An apology and meaningful promise to do better is all I really want when I've been upset. (Again, I'm not certain this is a *typical* INTJ trait, so your mileage may vary -- consider how your particular friend seems to feel about gifts.)

Guest (not verified) says...

Logic and honesty goes a long way with me, personally. If it was your fault, a sincere "mea culpa" might help.
If it was mutual, let your friend know you value the friendship and ask how you could both work through it.

Guest (not verified) says...

Be honest. Don't make excuses for your behavior. Be logical. Tell them fighting sucks (if you believe it). Most months hate conflict but live problem solving. Tell them you're truly sorry and mean it.

INTJGirl (not verified) says...

I am an INTJ female who, until recently, thought that there was truly something wrong with me. I work in healthcare with nearly all females, and have a hard time making friends and connecting with my co-workers. Every morning starts with "OMG did you watch The Bachelor/Real Housewives last night?", and the day drags on with trivial complaints about their husbands or minuscule life issues. I've tried socializing, but "Hey did anyone see Ancient Aliens last night" or "Have you seen the new show Born Schizophrenic?" tend to earn me raised eyebrows and uncomfortable silences. I've been told that I'm "too pretty to be that smart" or that I come across as a huge jerk (or the "b" word) and that I need to smile more on multiple occasions. Unfortunately, I can remember each and every occasion, and will likely hold a grudge against the commentators for the rest of my life. Being an INTJ female is painful, lonely, confusing, and frustrating. My gift is my curse (and in the grand scheme of things, it truly is a gift). While I do not wish pain or isolation on anyone, it is comforting to know that other women are out there somewhere. It helps me to know that I am not a freak of nature but rather a rare gem.

INTJBanker (not verified) says...

Read your post and just clicked with me. I work as a mortgage banker and have my own Branch office. I used to manage large numbers of people in several industries and have realized I chose this path as I was able to retreat into my own office in my home. The only social interaction I have to have is occasional realtor meetings and daily phone calls with customers. I despise when the phone rings as there is email! INTJs prefer written communication over verbal to allow us time to prepare complete and accurate answers and the ability to review the information later if anyone says we were wrong. Your 'OMG did you watch the bachelor last night?' made me respond. I play volleyball with people unlike me and 2 of the women couldn't stop talking about it and a guy at the game was on the show - they couldn't stop looking at him and were trying to take his picture! I thought my brain was going to blow up. I ask the same things as you...did you hear this on NPR? Did you watch the Bible Mysteries on the Staff of Moses, Mystery at the Museum, My Big Beautiful Brain on Netflix, etc. etc. I too get blank stares- we aren't speaking a foreign language but one that is still misunderstood. Your comment about the 'B' - I am 46 and for the past many years introduce myself as that upfront so there is no confusion. On your smiling comment... I tell people I have RBF (Resting B Face) it gets a laugh and eases their ignorance. I feel cursed but blessed at the same time as well but it is truly frustrating when the few fight to save others every day with our knowledge, intuition, work and moral ethics, and deep ability to care for human life... I wonder who will be there to save us? In May I was on a plane with my husband and 21 year old son (Zach), while we were booked to sit together, our boarding passes came up in random rows with the seats fairly close together. I ended up sitting in the middle seat next to a 23 year old kid who looked like he was strung out. I told him before I sat down 'It's your lucky day I have snacks' (I try to be social). Time passed and I kept noticing how miserable he was and knew something was really wrong so I started asking him questions. He told me he was on the way home from the Caribbean after a surfing accident where he hit his back on coral. I noticed he was in severe pain and couldn't turn his head and started to vomit. I knew immediately he most likely had bacterial meningitis. I contacted the flight crew to get him help and they were completely clueless. I ended up cussing and screaming at all of them to get them to understand the kid was going to die if he didn't get to a hospital right away. My husband was telling me from across the aisle 'You are going to get escorted off the plane by Homeland Security!' I said 'Good I am going to take the kid with me then and call an ambulance!^%#$! I finally was able to get them to find a doctor on the plane and arranged to speed up the flight to get him to the ER immediately. I asked the kid who was also named Zach if he had any allergies and for some strange reason I had a small red sharpie in my backpack (on vacation) and I wrote in giant letters on his arm 'PENICILLIN ALLERGY'. I was deathly afraid after getting the idiots on the plane to get him care that once he got to the hospital some other moron would kill him with penicillin. I was in a rage over this for days when I got home - my mind reeling why are people so oblivious and/or uncaring?... I called his mother the next day and we couldn't find what hospital they had taken him to so we kept calling around and finally found him (Morons at Delta were supposed to call his mother and didn't) He ended up having emergency surgery and was in the hospital for a week. His Mom told me if he hadn't gone to the ER when I forced them to he wouldn't have made it. My biggest fear is that there won't be another INTJ when my Zach, husband or I needs one.

INTJRN (not verified) says...

I also work in healthcare and I absolutely have the same issues as you. Being an INTJ nurse has been an immense challenge for me. I actually chose to do it for that very reason - I wanted a challenge. At the time I decided on this career I didn't know about MBTI. However, I did know there was something very different about me. I was so introverted I thought it would be a good idea to learn some "people skills". While my introversion will never change being a nurse has taught me, especially as an INTJ, how to feel and display empathy. Do I get along with patients and their families? Shockingly, yes. I have become great at everything from day-to-day rounds to delivering terrible news. Can I deal with my peers? That's more difficult. I accepted a job as director of a facility about 6 months ago and am absolutely loving it. As a floor nurse though? Count me out. I never found anything in common with any of the other nurses. Doctors, sometimes. PTs, sometimes. Pharmacists, often. 90% of the time the other nurses were a pain to deal with. Every once in a while an INtuitive nurse comes along and it is excellent to learn from and share with them. Most of the time? Boooooooring. I've heard the "you're too pretty to be that smart" and the "you should smile more" so many times it barely registers. I come across as a "b" and I know it. That's the great thing about being in a leadership role: it is perfectly acceptable to be a "b" (as long as you also commend your stellar employees and so on). I agree that being an INTJ female is "painful, lonely, and frustrating". No doubt. Don't even get me started on my personal life. It seems to me that you should consider a way to move into management or out of the typical patient care setting. You are a "rare gem" and I'm sure you can excel in whatever really captivates you. Find it.

Sarahbac (not verified) says...

I came across this article when I felt lonely and searched for loneliness for INTJ :) seeing other INTJ women feel the same thing I feel lifted me up thanks for everyone who shared her/his experience, I don't have much to say cuz you just spoke on behalf of me, it's real

Spotty (not verified) says...

I'm an INTJ female & i've always struggled to either make friends in the first place or maintain the few friendships i do have. I've honestly now found myself with no friends currently, but i have my boyfriend, who shares my type. He is the only person I believe truely understands me. Funnily enough though, most people who have the misfortune to meet me think i'm a bitch, evil, cold and all sorts of other things but they love my boyfriend? He's nice & caring but still logical - the perfect man. We share a lot of similar traits, but it's more readily acceptable in him than it is in me i suspect. My boyfriend's Mother (ESFJ) has even stated to him that she dislikes my confidence and thinks i'm very cold. My own Mother (INFJ) has stated that I have no empathy etc etc. Extroverted feelers (either dom or aux) seem to really dislike me & I don't much like wasting my time on them.
I also suspect in myself that i have a really strong Fi function. It's almost as if it's as strong as Te in me, is this possible? Thought for so long I was an INFP because of this, but am way too callous/abrasive. I'm very close with my brother & have been since we were really little (everyone thought we were twins) & he is an INFP. Could being close with an INFP strengthen my Fi? Any answers on any of this would be very much appreciated.

Claire1245 (not verified) says...

This article describes my whole life. I am a female intj (teenager) and true friends and people that get me are SO rare. I only have like 4 friends and 1 I can really trust. However, I'm not sure if that's normal, since most of the other people in my school not only have many more friends, but also dates. I guess I should just accept myself for who I am.

thinkinglady (not verified) says...

Such a good article and comments. I am a 61 yro INTJ female and feel the same as the other older commenters. Very difficult to find friends at all but especially at our age. Especially after losing one of my very few long term close friends, who is of different personality type. A situation arose in which we did not see eye to eye, where both of us were hit in our respective weak spots; but after trying repeatedly to iron things out I realized I could not trust her to respect my need for privacy. My only other friends live far away, as I have spent my life in the isolated position of a pastor's wife, an environment that is tough for any introvert, let alone a female INTJ. My husband is my real best friend, and I've done really well with contibuting to the church community in my own way, and am pleased with that, as well as following my own creative pursuits; but I am pretty burned out by the intensely social way of life. To hang out with the couple of long-distance friends who do get me is bliss but happens rarely.

sunshine897 (not verified) says...

I definitely relate to everything written here. I'm so glad that this article reminded me that I am normal.
As an female INTJ I seem to always swing between wanting a best friend to share interests with, and being afraid that she will want more emotional, nurturing support than I'm prepared to give. I tend to give logical, rational answers to others in crisis, which causes some to ask me why I'm not emotional like them. I don't attend parties and I can spend entire weekends researching interesting articles online. I don't how I will find a good friend with qualities like this but I will try.

Confusedani (not verified) says...

21, female, living in Seattle. This state is hard enough to connect with, despite the fact I am an INTJ. I am slightly extroverted though and enjoy meeting people, but I despise communicating with people who're not intellectually satisfying. Like at work for example, customers will just want to chat about THEIR day and THEIR experiences and shit, when honestly I could care less. They never bother to ask how I am so I shut them out when I realize they just want to waste my time when I'd rather be working on my homework or something that benefits ME.

I thought I was alone. I had no idea that this was a thing until I took my personality assessment and got placed as an INTJ. I never could understand why I couldn't maintain a friendship with any females or why I would automatically assume they hated me whenever they didn't text me back. I am now starting to come to the realization that maybe they don't want to be close to someone like me. Maybe my strong personality makes them pissed. And let's not even talk about relationships... I am horrible at them. Whenever I like a guy I tend to isolate myself from them and NEVER EVER tell them my feelings until my feelings fade and I lose interest so another potential goes down the drain. I usually talk myself out of dating because I don't feel like wasting time. I feel like dating is shallow. I feel like guys just want sex and I see that so I know I need to stay away in order to protect myself. The only thing I don't get about INTJ females is that all of these articles say that they're undeveloped, lazy in their appearances, and lack the use of makeup, or whatever. I am the opposite. I am quite attractive (not to be cocky) but I did modeling for quite some time and enjoyed it. Can a woman be a true INTJ but take pride in her appearance? I like to look good (FOR MYSELF) and feel better when I get ready, and not to mention narcissism is quite often used in relation to INTJs. So how can we be narcissistic yet lazy in self appearance?

SarahR (not verified) says...

I belong to one of smallest groups of all, Autistic AND INTJ. Not all people with Autism are INTJs.

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