11 Ways to Be a Good Partner for an INTJ in Life and at Work

INTJs are the "Architect" or the "Mastermind" type of Isabel Briggs Myers' personality types. They belong to one of the rarest groups in the population, comprising only 2% worldwide. INTJ females are especially rare with only 0.8% of the world population, making it hard to find like-minded individuals and be understood by people around them.

In general, INTJs are rational, confident, original, idealist, curious, decisive, privately ambitious, mysterious, and strategic. However, they can be bitter and cynical when the surrounding isn't accommodating, such as "full of lazy and self-serving people." If you happen to meet an INTJ and have him or her as a partner in life and at work, consider yourself fortunate. You've got yourself a loyal and highly capable confidante.

INTJs have a keen interest in anything intellectual, and they're proud of their "nerdiness," even during their childhood. They are confident of their massive bodies of knowledge and love sharing what they know with people who want to listen. However, due to their Intuitive (N) and Judging (J) traits, they prefer to remain private when executing strategies than being overly public about their plans.

Now, if you have an INTJ partner, what should you do and expect?

1. Share your long-term vision.

Do so in a way that's favorable to them, such as offering them to take part actively in materializing that vision. As one of the most confident MBTI types, INTJs appreciate confident and visionary individuals who know where they're heading and what they're getting into early on in a relationship. So, be open with them on your vision about the relationship. It's the first step to earn the trust and respect from an INTJ.

2. Be prepared to keep up with their formidable logic and willpower.

INTJs are one of the most logical types, whose insightful observations and original ideas can be quite surprising and powerful. Combined with their forceful personality and mysterious aura, they have the capability to deconstruct and reconstruct conventional ideas. A good relationship with them can be quite transformative in the long run.

3. Understand their complex minds.

INTJs have complex minds and are often misunderstood. Take the time to get to know them in person, bond with them, and understand how their beautiful minds process information. They appreciate deep questions and are always happy to share information and "show" people "the right way" in doing things. Once you've understood them fully, you've earned their lifelong respect and can tap into their knowledge at any time.

4. Discuss the future.

INTJs live in the future. They don't waste time being melancholic after an adverse incident. They like to think about the future, so ask them what they think about the future of your business or personal relationship. In one year? In 5 years? In 10 years? Being a rational person, INTJs take into account the macro situations of a relationship, such as the economy, politics, and approvals from people around them.

5. Ask them about their "theory" on everything.

INTJs' complex minds continuously work in a way that most people don't, such as connecting the dots between things, timeframes, situations, people, and everything in between. They're analytical by nature, which can be a bit intimidating to others. They observe patterns of the past to better understand the future. They respect people who appreciate their "theories." INTJs can come out a bit too strong for those who don't get and don't appreciate their hypotheses.

6. Listen to their contingency plans.

INTJs are the eternal optimist because they're confident in their problem-solving skills and bodies of knowledge. In an INTJ's eyes, a "problem" is merely a disruption that requires some tweaking. Their eyes remain fixated on the goal, because the vision of the future has been embedded in their mind. If you've partnered up with an INTJ, listen to their back-up plans, as they might have the most "outrageous ideas" that work. The goal has been achieved in their minds; they only need time to make it happen in the physical realm.

7. Be straightforward, never be passive-aggressive.

INTJs appreciate bluntness and refrain from emotional drama when discussing about things that matter to them. They're known for their bluntness and honest feedback. Thus they expect others to do the same. Be clear about what you wish from the relationship and the things to be done. They may sound tactless, but it doesn't mean they're disrespectful, as they also expect you to do so.

8. Be prepared to earn their trust and loyalty.

In INTJs' rational minds, it's logical that trust and loyalty only come after they've been proven. During formative years, INTJs trusted people a lot and were disappointed, so they had to let them go. This explains the need to earn their trust and loyalty. Moreover, this is the only way to earn an INTJ's trust and loyalty.

9. Be prepared to be encouraged to be your best.

This is one of the most satisfying things about being in a relationship with INTJs. They would literally push you to be a better person, if not the best version of yourself. It will occur after you've earned their lifelong trust and loyalty, of course. INTJs will do whatever it takes to make you a better person, since they believe that every person has an abundance of potential within. Consider yourself blessed for having them in your life.

10. Be prepared to discuss and argue about abstract ideas.

INTJs discuss and argue a lot, because they have so many contingencies to consider. And they can talk about deep and abstract ideas, like politics, philosophy, and spirituality. However, they aren't good with personal quarrels and fights as they might not "get" that it was actually offensive. In INTJs' minds, being in a constant state of thinking is expressed with discussing and arguing on various issues. So, if you're an INTJ's partner, don't take their arguments seriously. They're not upset or angry with you, they are just being an INTJ.

11. Be aware that sometimes INTJs can take deconstruction too far.

Due to INTJs' deconstructing nature, they're in the permathinking mode, thus they'd question, evaluate, investigate, and act one-sidedly, which can sometimes be interpreted as "insensitive." As partners, understand that INTJs aren't impulsive when they act swiftly and, often, alone. Again, it's just an INTJ being an INTJ. However, as a partner, you can talk with them rationally, so they'd slow down a bit and be more accommodating to others' ideas. INTJs would listen.

In conclusion, partnering up with an INTJ can be both a blessing and a curse. It depends on the dynamic within the relationship and how you, as the partner, understands how an INTJ's mind works. Your INTJ partner will analyze your personality type as well, as it's already built in their nature. Once both parties have understood each other well, respect would grow and lifetime loyalty follows.

Jennifer Xue

Jennifer Xue is an award-winning author, columnist, and serial entrepreneur based in Northern California with INTJ personality type. Her byline has appeared in Forbes, Fortune, Esquire, Cosmopolitan, Business.com, Business2Community, Good Men Project, Startup Nation, Addicted2Success, Positively Positive, MotivationGrid, and others. She serves as a digital strategist at Oberlo and blogs at JenniferXue.com. She's passionate about startups and teaches people how to start a dropshipping ecommerce store with these ebooks.


Terrie Gal (not verified) says...

As a female INTJ, this is spot on. Especially #11.

mr x (not verified) says...

we should date then im an INTJ male :)

MARRIAGEGURU (not verified) says...


Such nice information...I like it... 


Joernie (not verified) says...

Do you happen to be an ENFP? Just curious.

Zan.... (not verified) says...

Can INTJs be change? 

Debra Robillard (not verified) says...

The best answer to that is, why would they want to?  I think they despair of interacting gently and positively with other types, and long to be understood.

Cosmo Archibald Topper (not verified) says...

As an INTJ, I have changed many things about myself. But I had to WANT to. We detest nothing more than someone thinking they get to force us to change without our informed cooperation. Unless and until you can show me something about myself that I should change and be able to explain to my satisfaction WHY, you will get nowhere with me - except probably left behind as I move on without you.

alessandra (not verified) says...

this is spot on!

Fredinfj (not verified) says...

INFJ married for 10 years to an INTJ.  INTJs, it's time you realize that your logic is not always THE logic, that if it makes sense for you to build a bridge along the river it won't still be efficient, and that you don't have to be right 100% of the time.  Emotional intelligence is a thing as valuable as intelligence, you know.  Let people BE, sometimes, stop acting all condescending, you are sometimes as idiotic as we are, just because you don't want to admit it want change it.  You can sometimes suck the emotional power of people, you can be so narrow-minded and self-centered, you need to realize we are tired of your excuses.  Man up, for fuck sake.

my_name_is_ted (not verified) says...

I can imagine your partner will reply "I know that, are you done? If you are then let's continue to do something more productive, shall we?"

Introverted010 (not verified) says...

Knowing one's weakness and acknowledging them is just the start of self-growth. Nothing is more productive and logical thing to do to fix one's weakness and be held accountable for them.

Introverted010 (not verified) says...

If I'm going to be honest, all it sounds like is denying the fact of your ignorance. 

Terrance (not verified) says...

If all signs point to building the river, build it, stop being salty you didn't think of it or couldn't yourself. 

What's right is right, no amount of EQ is going to change that, especially on your end, EQ comes from understanding and controlling your emotions, I'm sorry you're sick of feeling inferior but that's your personal problem of perception.

Go maith (not verified) says...

Emotions have more limitations than logic. We always consider the possibility that we ourselves are wrong. But you're gonna have to logically build your case against us. Appealing to emotions to us is merely mildly amusing. We are very emotionally intelligent. You are mistaking a preference for logic for a lack of emotional intelligence. In short, we know, fully understand and can anticipate how you feel, we just might not care, when specific sets of feelings are not justified by a given situation (such as unfounded fears or an equally unfounded lack of concern). We actually tend to let people "be," but in intimate relationships, we prefer to call out pit-falls prior to things falling in. True INTPs are in fact the most open-minded. We believe in workable solutions. We are open to all and every possibility, but we will quickly discard any concept we deem unfeasible or unsustainable (including our own). We simply expect YOU to behave the same way, and we are very precise and exact. Individual INTJs do deviate from these, of course. Not everyone is the same. 

Kingbhudda (not verified) says...

I agree fredinfj.  As an INTJ male, developing my emotional intelligence has probably been the singlemost greatest thing for improving my influence and quality of life.

Gweny (not verified) says...

The last thing we do is make up excuses. If we ever make excuses, they will be thoroughly-thought of, and most likely backed up by supporting theories and evidence. We don't see it as an excuse--we see it as a counter-argument open for debate. If you have a better solution than a bridge to cross a river safely (and you can back this up with concrete evidence) , then great. 

The problem is whether you choose to debate on an emotional ground (which INTJs will be far less interested in) or logical ground (which INTJs will gladly listen to)

I've never deemed myself 100% right all the time. I doubt any mature INTJs believe this. Because of INTJs constant thinking mode, we are prone to self-doubt and we constantly challenge our own thoughts. I think of the faults in my own logic, especially if it involves someone I care about. I'll think things 100 times over until I get it "right".

Ironically now that you mentioned it, ive heard "you were right..." a lot, although I don't think much of it. How does being called "right" benefit you in any way? 

I don't care about being right. I just want to solve the problem and move on to another puzzle.

As for being condescending, it's usually unintentional and a misinterpretation by others. I'm guessing it's our TJ in action... and the resting b*tch face.

Life is a flat line that has occasional bumps and knots. They need to be ironed out; not shouted at. 

Anonymous, Anonymous, Anonymous (not verified) says...

I guess the "F" (ie feeling part) overtook your logical facilities.  "We" are not the same as "he".  Focus your angdt to the specific offender, not the entire population.  No wonder you're challenged by your partner. 

Rowdy (not verified) says...

Intj here.   All points valid.  We like genuine people.  And our BS meters are always on.

Helen79 (not verified) says...

What about when your partner's view of the future is full of fear and anxiety? He sees so many ways the future world is going and none of it is good. I listen and discuss all his theories and ideas, but it is exhausting and doesn't accomplish anything and his views are constantly reinforced by the world around us. Help!


Joy W (not verified) says...

I don't think that has as much to do about his personality as it does depression. Let's just say he has been through a lot of emotional things all at once. He doesn't know how to process these things properly a lot of men do not like therapy and won't go. In order for him to have a more positive attitude he needs to HEAL the parts that are troubled. It's not easy and will take time. But if he works towards it and learns he can have a more positive life. If he doesn't want to work at it that is a whole other issue. Marriage is difficult and if you are having issues with your partner (that are effecting YOU mentally) you need to discuss. If he is unwilling to get help than you have a decision to make. Stay and love him for all his negativity but continue to feel bad. Or leave and work on you work on finding someone who wants to be in it with you. 

Go maith (not verified) says...

True INTJs aren't prone to irrational fears, even during uncertainty. But if he is suffering from depression, etc. that might be interfering with his logic. Most true INTJs aren't particularly fearful, or not fearful about the future, as emotional responses aren't not executable planned solutions. For INTJs, they usually have already analyzed everything, so almost all worst case scenarios have already been considered. Perhaps you're simply mistaking this form of analysis for "anxiety." 

Platypus (not verified) says...

My husband is ENFP, and the struggle between us mainly stems from his "gung-ho" attitude and my blunt/permathinking mode. I tend to upset him over things that I think aren't a big deal, and he upsets me with his explosive emotional reactions.

I find his argument illogical, so I tend to exit the argument scratching my head.


Husband: "do I look fatter?"

Me: "yes."

Husband: "I've been training a lot though!"

Me: "Yes, but you also drink a lot of beer and binge-eat 5 minutes before bed."

Husband: "no I don't!!"

Me: *shows the trash* "... Yes, you do."

Husband: "like you're so perfect yourself!"

Me: "...huh?"

Husband: *storms off*

Me: "... huh??"

*1 hour later*

Husband: "I'm sorry."

Me: "OK."

Husband: "you angry?" 

Me: "No."

Husband: "you sound angry."

Me: "this is how I sound most of the time."

Not an exaggeration BTW. This is how most of our arguments start and end. 

I miss being alone and drama-free. 

Merie (not verified) says...

That's so true @platypus.Im an ENFP sometimes when my INTJ says he's not angry after me acting belligerent...I fear he's faking his No....how do I know when an INTJ is angry

FuzzyWuzzywuzabear (not verified) says...

You will know when an INTJ is angry because they will tell you. 

My INTJ says they do not easily get angry because they are logical (it's possible a mature INTJ may never get angry). If you say something that is true about them, even if it's hard to hear, there is no reason for them to get angry at truth.  Rather, they will take the true information and use it to better themselves.  If you say something that is false, there is no reason to get angry because what has been said isn't true.  Interacting with a lie is a waste of time and energy.  Either way, you will find that INTJs are very neutral most of the time.  And if for some reason they are not, they will tell you what and why. 

WY (not verified) says...

I am a ESFJ and my partner is an INTJ. While I understand that you have to be straightforward in the conversation, I find it very difficult when I need to bring up something that bothers me. Already it takes a lot of strength to be able to shoot straight and express what and why it bothers me. However, the responses I get are simply, "that's a stupid reason to get upset". Even with trying to lay out concise and valid (at least in my opinion) points that support these actions or feelings, the dismissive behaviour when they don't "understand" or comprehend these feelings are what bothers me the most. Admittedly this would always cause an escalation of the matter because he thinks that I am acting irrationally and I think that he lacks empathy, or even just sympathy. I'm sure many people who look up and read this article are people who would want to position themselves to be able to understand an INTJ and are willing to alter some of their behaviours to ensure that communication are more effective. But while an INTJ can "understand" the other personality types, are they willing to alter their behaviour or tone so that they can meet half way with a personality type that is near opposite to them?

Obviously it's unfair that I am basing this on one INTJ but it's definitely frustrating and upsetting when you are someone who's goals and ambitions is what attracted the INTJ but when you need to slow down a bit to enjoy the hard work and things you have accomplished, the INTJ is still constantly pushing you to a degree where you feel worthless and that the accomplishments did not matter. 

HannahDane05 (not verified) says...

Good luck winning it. 99.9999% fail with our standards.

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