INFJ - Female
I have a huge interest in human nature and it's the main reason I am here. I have dealt with my emotions for almost over a decade.
I feel that I have intense sadness at times. I would curl myself in a corner and let the episode pass. The normal triggers are either depressive flashbacks or I am hurt by someone. And there is a correlation with stress and thoughts driven to hit myself.
I have some physical pains such as heart aches during an episode and also abdominal pains from previous self starvations. I am really jumpy and alert to attack in defence. I used to have suicidal thoughts but brushed it off as curiosity and it has lead to homicidal thoughts but has decreased greatly by self sustaining myself.
I have never taken action - except starvation (and hitting myself against something upon stress) - due to religious reasons/values. I have stopped starvation but only eat basic meals.
I previously reached out to parents but they mocked me making me feel worse, I still haven't forgiven them these past years. I reached out to teachers when having social issues and isolation but the problem remained until I fought against a ridiculous girl at which point made me pugnacious because of the social relief it brought. I feel like people don't want to bother with me and I've left it as that and walked off on my own. I will not cry in front of people because I hate pity but when I felt sick from starvation everyone seemed so falsely caring...
Previous experiences include:
- extreme loneliness at a young age (I have never made a real friend till I was 16 and made fun of even for my loneliness when I sat alone excluded from games)
- assaulted by older and same aged children as my society (ethnic minority) has disciplinary actions by hitting children upon which kids thought it was OK for them to do the same, I was pretty vulnerable. And sometimes the adults would hit children for no real reason. I left the place and the new generation seemed to improved.
- sexually taken advantaged and finding no one to talk to
which is why I'm considering therapy as suggested by the INFJ page. I'm so private I don't have the courage to share and found no relief from it. I like to share through text, I feel comfortable with it being an anonymous individual but also have some relationship. Despite the past decade I'm still having episodes, and I feel like I should know if in my case I should go for therapy, which I see as something that won't work because of teachers and parents hurting me and I'm stuck like this.