Long story short, I fell in love with an INTJ female in our grad program (I'm an ENTJ) - she basically only wants to sleep with me, and verbally stated that "I'm not looking to date." It hurt like hell, but I came to accept that she's not looking to date ME. To be fair, she just got out of a marriage/relationship that lasted 5 - 10 years, has 2 kids with the guy, and her former man cheated on her.

Despite all this, I still have doubts about her words of not wanting to date or at the very least she doesn't have feelings for me because of the signs below:

Positive signs:

1. She's always moody/jealous when she sees me with other girls.

2. I catch her staring at me when I'm not looking - it happens often (even our professor began to take notice hehe..).
3. She "sticks" around to see if I'm going to walk with another girl AFTER EVERYONE HAS ALREADY LEFT THE CLASS. She REALLY did NOT like it when I began to show affection to another girl in class. She also became angry and controlling after I began to (tried and failed) move on to that other girl.
4. Tries to listen to my phone conversations when it's late at night (we sometimes have to stay late - 8 - 9pm for class = she's worried it might be a girl on the line).
5. Gave me the puppy eyes when I told her I wasn't going to see her again for 3 months (the I'm going to miss you look).

Negative signs:

1. She flat out told me she's doesn't want to date.
2. When I showed a just a bit of romantic affection (I said goodnight to her) she reacted slightly surprised and her friend wasn't happy.

Analysis:

I spoke to another intellectual type of woman and she thinks it's: 1) wants me to be her side dick, but ONLY she can have me, 2) commitment issues, or 3) she's testing the waters becuase she is free now to mingle (she's 31, I'm 28).

Ultimately, after all the research I've done about INTJs, I'm suspecting that it's not that she doesn't have feelings for me, but rather she wants to come to that conclusion when she feels ready. Investing in someone for 5 - 10 years, having 2 kids with them, and only to be cheated is something that will take a while to get over. By acknowledging her feelings for me, it will also bring up the pain from her previous relationship - something which she has not gotten over yet which is why she said she's not looking to date.

It should be noted that there is a difference between jealousy of sexual interest vs jealousy of romantic interest. Only #s 3 and 5 truly gave me confidence that her behaviors are of romantic jealousy - it's because I've and many other people would have performed the same type of behavior with people they like.

Lastly, the only thing I can do is keep approaching other girls in the mean time and see how she reacts when she sees me in Aug of 2019. She knows that I have feelings for her which is why she said "I'm not looking to date" - I wish I never said goodnight to her as that seemed to screw everything up, but live and learn kid. 

Thoughts?

 

Comments

Guest (not verified) says...

I'm an INTJ female myself, so I'll take a guess at what her mindset is, based on how I think and what I know about my type.

MBTI personality types come with four cognitive functions, dominant and auxiliary (these are the primary way people think, used for most decision making, perceiving, processing, etc), tertiary (a helper function, a somewhat reliable resource, how often it's used will vary by individual), and inferior (this is the 'danger' function, while it's part of our personality, our brains will actively avoid using it and when forced to, it tends to be unpleasant, stressful, and draining).  For an INTJ, these functions are: Dominant Introverted Intuition (Ni), Auxiliary Extroverted Thinking (Te), Tertiary Introverted Feeling (Fi), and Inferior Extroverted Sensing (Se). Since she just got out of serious, long-term relationship where she was betrayed, I'm guessing she may be ruled by her inferior function at the moment.  Something generally true of INTJs is that we really hate being wrong. A look at our primary functions:

As a dominant function, Ni manifests as a keen perception for the meaningful connections that exist between the thoughts, concepts, events and occurrences in the Ni-user’s environment. The dominant-Ni monologue: “Everything is interconnected and I must determine the meaning and implication behind those connections.”

As an auxiliary function, Te manifests as the ability to take concrete, efficient action on the user’s analysis of what the best thing to do would be. The auxiliary-Te monologue: “Now that I have determined the best or most reliable course of action, I will set it into motion using the most straightforward method available to me.”

We give a lot of thought to our decisions and in relationships, we don't fall in love lightly. We tend to pick our partners very carefully, painstakingly assessing all possible factors about compatibility and only proceed when we feel very sure of that person, but then we are all in, completely, full devotion, full trust. To get it wrong would be devastating. Even more jarring than the emotional trauma of a betrayal from a trusted partner would be the realization of getting it wrong. A failure of our most prized abilities. Potentially jarring enough that our inferior function would kick into gear.

As an inferior function, Se originally manifests as a distrust of the physical world that surrounds its user, or the pervasive belief that one’s intellect can and must be trusted above the sensory information that is available. As Se matures, the user may find themselves feeling steadily more in tune with the sensory world that surrounds them, and more able to trust it as a pervasive force. The inferior-Se monologue (prior to maturation): “I must analyze all possible outcomes of a sensory experience, as the physical world is subject to change unexpectedly, at any time.”

In short, an INTJ hurting from a betrayal is likely to be mistrustful, cynical, and maybe a bit unreasonable about it. Being moody and jealous of you interacting with other girls, the becoming angry and possessive after you tried and failed to move onto someone else-- all seem like the influence of the inferior Se to me. For 1-4 of your positive signs, I'd say those indicate her insecurities at the moment and don't indicate either way whether she has any feelings for you. And as an aside, jealousy and possessiveness are not healthy behavior, that is toxic. For negative sign 1, I'd take that at face value. INTJs tend to be direct and honest, most probably she did mean that. She's probably aware that she's in an unhealthy mindset right now, which is why she's sensibily deeming herself unready to date-- she's trying to recenter herself, find her self-assurance again. Testing the waters as your friend said, but I'd guess a good deal of that is testing herself, reassessing every way she's previously thought about relationships. As my own take on positives, I'll say that she probably wouldn't continue any sort of relationship with you (even just sex and friendship) if she didn't have feelings in some capacity for you or didn't like you in some capacity. INTJs don't let a lot of people in and we usually don't waste time on people we don't think are worthwhile. She's spending time on you, that says to me that she likes you (again in some capacity anyway). I'd say you're right that positive 5 is a positive that she has feelings for you. I'd also say that your negative 2 is actually a positive sign that she has feelings for you, or at least it strikes me as such. That she was startled suggests to me that she is tenatively developing feelings for you, but is trying not to, because she doesn't feel ready for them and feelings hurt her before. So long as you keep your distance, so long as you don't behave romantically, you stay in the designation of only sex, it remains only a sexual relationship and she can keep herself more emotionally distant, which right now is safe and what she's decided she wants. Assuming she likes you in some capacity, you having romantic feelings for her is concerning to her, since that could draw her into letting her like of you develop into feelings. But again, she's more ruled by her inferior right now, so she is likely mistrusting your feelings and because she made a mistake before, thinking it is unwise to let her feelings develop further. So my analysis is, yeah, maybe she has feelings or is teetering towards having feelings. It's possible, though not for sure. That brings us to INTJs' tertiary function.

As a tertiary function, Fi manifests as strong, unwavering set of morals and values which the user draws upon to dictate many of their major decisions. The tertiary Fi monologue: “I must adhere to my values and morals at all costs – even if doing so is unpleasant.”

INTJs have fantastic willpower and if we're set to be stubborn about something we become immovable objects. We'll do what we think is right regardless of feelings. So, it's quite possible that even if she has feelings for you, she'll steadfastly resist them. Right now, under the influence of an inflamed inferior function, she's mistrustful, cynical, and possibly a bit unreasonable about it and it's quite possible that she will keep to that at all costs. It's a defense mechanism, she's trying to protect herself. 

Of course, you're an ENTJ, your dominant function is extraverted thinking, your auxilary is introverted intuition. 

As a dominant function, Te manifests as the ability to clearly envision the most effective outcome to any given situation or problem and the ability to set the corresponding plans into action. The dominant-Te monologue: “I will achieve my goal by any means necessary.”

As an auxiliary function, Ni manifests as an understanding of how one ought to go about accomplishing his or her goals, based on a keen intuitive perception of how various courses of action are likely to unfold. The auxiliary-Ni monologue: “How can I use my intuitive knowledge about how things are connected in order to achieve what I want?”

In dynamic with an INTJ, your type can potentially be the unstoppable force vs the immovable object. You could gradually win her over. Alternatively, there could be a lot of fighting and discord, it really depends on the efforts of both parties to make any dynamic work. 

She may have feelings for you, she may not. I'll say that either way, you approaching other girls and the like of that is likely to feed into the mistrust of her activated inferior function. If you want to win an INTJ's love, developing a romantic relationship with an INTJ will always take time. Often we can't jump right into having feelings right away, we don't let ourselves. In the case of her last relationship, even more so. So, if you do want to pursue a romantic relationship, bear in mind that it will require a lot of patience and that she is in an unhealthy mindset right now, which is dangerous to take into a romantic relationship. In general, I'd recommend honest communication. Both of our types are often bad at talking about emotion and feelings, that'll be a roadblock. Both of our types tend to value directness and authenticity, that'll help get past that roadblock. She may simply, honestly not be ready for a romance. It's also possible that if you prove yourself reliable and your feelings genuine she'll gradually open up.  But honest communication is important regardless.

Reference for cognitive stacking by types: https://thoughtcatalog.com/heidi-priebe/2015/12/how-each-cognitive-function-manifests-based-on-its-position-in-your-stacking/

Vee (not verified) says...

Wow! This explanation totally blew me away. I’m an INTJ and I’m still learning about myself. What was just described above makes complete sense about where I’m at ( I went through something very similar) the fact that I need concrete evidence of the success of the relationship before I invest feelings makes total sense. Everyone else dives in feelings first. It does take intj’s longer to “heal”. In my opinion. The ‘inferior’ aspect is what I’m currently strengthening. I can see myself trying to trust more. Because if I’m going to want a relationship I’m going to have to soften up. Thanks for the insight!

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