Okay guys, I need insight and a ton of it. My wife, whom I've been married to for almost a year, is an ISTJ. Sometimes communicating can feel almost impossible. This type seems to lack passion, drive and vision for their life altogether. I on the other hand, being an ENFP, am all about dreaming and casting vision for the future. All of this is personal opinion of course. Nobody fits inside a box. But it's almost like ISTJ's are content remaining exactly where they are and have absolutely zero desire to participate in "dreaming." There's more, but I'm eager to get responses and insight. HELP! (Yes, therapy will help. I know. please don't give me the obvious answers.)


adrianabonilla1996 says...

I am not married I'm not an expert on relationships, but I believe I think I can relate. I believe am an INFJ because I can relate with communicating with my mom who I think she is an ISFJ. Our thought process is so different because my mom is very realistic and I am idealistic. I remember saying that I believe anybody can do anything because anything is possible but my mom disagrees with me. This is reason why I don't her my ideal thoughts because it really affects my mood. A part of me just likes to be right all the time. Having a family therapist helped me understand my mom a lot. I can see her perspective on things so I don't take to heart. Anyways I can say is maybe you guys do a practice because its important to make each other happy. It might be harder because she is a thinker type and I think thinkers are kind of insensitive but I know they don't mean it. Its because in their minds its just logical. If you didn't tell her how feel, then you should tell her now because expressing feelings to each other is important. Another thing you can do is share to each other and focus on the things you like about her sensory abilities and she can tell you about you initution ability. Use activities and lessons to build each others relationship. Of course all this has to do with her permission. I don't like hearing couples feeling broken or unsatisfied because you guys fell in love and loving each other is the one thing that kept you guys going. Love is very powerful and it can be a great thing when people use it the right way. When you look back it was hard to work together and you came this far so keep improving your relationship and I know you are and I believe you can do it. You guys are a team an there is no I in team. You guys compliment each other very well even though it doesn't look like it but her weakness is your strength and your weakness her strength. Let God, love, and each other solve this problem and live happily and peacefully together. I hope everything works out well.

Stephen C (not verified) says...

I can't fairly describe ISTJ females, as I don't know any, but I have taken multiple personality tests and have always come out as an ISTJ. I would say that ISTJ types in general have a lot of drive, passion, and vision. These factors aren't necessarily apparent to others however. Not to mention that ISTJ types won't necessarily articulate their needs. Also, please realize that ISTJ types are many times busy thinking and can be viewed as being distant. Is isn't that they don't care about others, but rather they see the world much differently than others. For example, my wife is a strong extrovert. If you and your wife are from the same culture and have a single language, life can be easier.

When people aren't very vocal, as ISTJ types aren't, they can be hard nuts to crack. In fact, many are very sensitive. To compensate, some ISTJ types try to over compensate by trying to be the person they feel their mate or companions wants, even though it isn't who they really are. I might suggest that you find a neutral ground and in a non-combatative manner ask your wife what her goals are, be they short-, medium- or long-range. Similarly, ask her what she is passionate about. Along the same line, ask her what drives her. Everybody is different. Hopefully, you realize that ISTJ types are skeptical when they are asked a lot of questions. I would suggest demonstrating a lot of sincere interest, as your wife could just as quickly shut you out as quickly as she opens up.

Have you observed the dynamics of how your wife interacts with members of her family? How about her friends? What personality types do those in her sphere of influence have? What are her "real" interests?

The main thing I would try to impress on you would be finding common ground and the sooner,the better. I say that because being an ISTJ, I have ruptured various relationships in my life,but it was because the common ground wasn't found. It doesn't make it easier on me, as I am naturally attracted to international women, whose second or third language is English.

Relationships can be very rewarding, but they take a lot of work. You have to know what you personally need in relationships,as well as what your partner, your wife in this case, needs. Invest the time, lovingly probe, and in the end; I know it can work out.

I hope this helps.

Tony S (not verified) says...

OK, I am an old man, wise as many old men are (experience teaches - young people in the West may not be interested in such, but ask Asians like my wife, and you will appreciate the value of wisdom), and a typical ISTJ. A "give me the facts" type. Facts I have at my fingertips - thousands of them.

My sympathies are very much with your wife, and I wonder whether you are deliberately trying to underestimate her. So let me take your points in turn:

1. "Sometimes communicating can feel almost impossible. This type seems to lack passion, drive and vision for their life altogether".

An extrovert dealing with an introvert ..... "Of course I can communicate and she can't". I am sure that if you have to address practical matters to which she can relate, she will say what has to say. She needs encouragement though. If she is like me, she will be far happier writing than talking. Passion? Drive? Well they may exist, but they will be internalised. Again with an introvert you wouldn't expect too much on the surface. Vision? In practical terms, definitely. Building solid foundations, including education and learning - that I would expect.

2. "I on the other hand, being an ENFP, am all about dreaming and casting vision for the future".

"Dream" is an interesting word. It is part of reality in that it is in our own heads, but it is a whole series of scattered, disconnected images. Fine for an NFP type person, total disaster for an STJ. Ideas if they are to work in reality need form.
ISTJ people are remarkably good at taking a loose connection of theories, and putting them together to see if they will logically work. It is how scientific principle works - new discoveries are rarely totally new ideas, they involve rather taking existing principles and adding to them. Often a scientist can see possibilities that have been missed in the previous thinking, and can see that adjustments are possible, but they have to tried out in a pragmatic fashion. So the "dream" if you like is given form. Often the idea fails in reality - the pragmatic ISTJ will see the flaws and report on them accordingly. But if they can see no flaws then they will appreciate the new idea and report its success. In this the ISTJ is more likely to be a member of a research team than the "innovator", but their role in contributing to progress is not to be underestimated.
As for "casting visions for the future", how many people start up companies only to see them fail within 10 years? The figure for the United States is 71%! Faced with such a start-up, an ISTJ would be very careful, and analyse the possibilities of success (including what is needed by way of strategy in order to be successful). A flawed vision that cannot be profitable (7 out of 10 - see the above figures) will not appeal at all to an ISTJ.
Conclusion from this point - I would suggest that you take your visions in whatever area you are discussing and let your wife examine them as to whether they have any practical possibilities of success. If they do, she will be quietly (I not E!) enthusiastic and offer her full support.

3. "All of this is personal opinion of course. Nobody fits inside a box".

Exactly - move on to the next point.

4. "But it's almost like ISTJ's are content remaining exactly where they are and have absolutely zero desire to participate in "dreaming".
ISTJ are fact oriented, logical, like working hard, and will not "throw the baby out with the bathwater". As stated above "dreams" need to have form, and can often be confused, impractical, and the road to ruin! They will happily follow new ideas and new roads which can lead to success, but they will not build castles in the air. The ideas will have to be clearly thought out, clearly explained and practical. And they do not like sales talk - "Of course it will work, honey" is a definite road to getting a cold shoulder. She will give you the opportunity to dream, you had better make sure it is real world, feasible and not fantasy!

And from my own example - I started in a working-class community in the North of England just speaking English. I have lived in 6 countries, travelled to many others, and can now speak 4 languages. I have learned many new skills over the years, but always in a practical way! Practise, practise, practise. Learn, master, and move on to something else. Hardly a stick-in-the-mud who does not want to stand still. But progress has to have its place, we cannot live without it.

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