Forever preordained to be a lone wanderer. Constantly I crave a deeper connection with someone. Friends and strangers open up to me. They bring me all of their problems. Big, small, deep, shallow. I listen, I care, I do whatever I can to help. They feel understood, and the satisfaction I feel when I see that brief connection in their eyes, when they realize that I do understand what they're saying, that they're not alone, is one of the greatest rewards I have ever experienced in life. Yet nobody listens to me. I have nobody who I can talk to on a deeper level. The few relationships I have had have been short lived, and I feel very alone. I like being alone a lot of the time, but recently In the last couple years I have truly yearned to just talk to someone and share an understanding. The few times I have opened up and tried to share, all I get is this disinterested look.. Trying to persevere through it, all I get is this panicked flickering gaze as if they think "why is this person saying these things?" I cannot be this complex.. It is a constant quest for me to try and find someone, anyone who I can share with. Feeling a bit beaten down lately so I thought this might be an ok place to vent a little..

Comments

Guest (not verified) says...

I felt exactly this way up until a few months ago.
Lately ive been on a cocktail of meds to deal with depression, but meds can only go so far.
Ive come to learn over the years that to rely on others for your happiness is the biggest mistake you will ever make. Maybe you are desiring to talk to others about how you feel. And hell, its your basic human right to expect people to listen, let alone care. But we live in a selfish generation. People, as nice as they are, dont always care.

Thats not to say you should stop giving of yourself, but it means you must find other ways ro vent. You are never alone in how you feel. But you must learn to be your own advocate, best friend, counselor, motivator.

If you really must share audibly how you feel, try poetry. Its an amazing way to just be heard. Also, put projects in your life. Goals. Online writing competitions, art projects, music.
Your an INFP, right? So the wirld needs you. You just gotta force yourself upon them by showing you deserve to be heard.

Also, im a, um, recovering atheist. Im not extremely religious, but praying or just talking aloud helps. Whether you believe someone is listening or not, its a major outlet. Im at a point in my life where after going through severe depression and suicidal tendencies for years, feeling alone and misunderstood, im looking for outlets. Im looking for friends.
Im finding that in first God but also going to where the people are. Expending myself, not aimlessly, but so as to see the 'fruits of my labor' as it were.

Volunteering your time and care to the elderly (which I never thought id do, but thoroughly enjoy) is one way. I personally love teaching little kids, helping them reach full potential. This way, im not just giving my time to people who wont care. It feels my need to be heard by others, little kids because I can guide them, older people because theyve been in my shoes.
Try mentoring someone.

If your friends make you feel unwanted or unimportant then theyre toxic friends. Maybe you dont need to cut them off completely, but you need to limit your association with them and especially limit the 'services' you provide to them. You do NOT have to support them. You shouldn't ever feel you need friends, to the point where you feel your worth is defined by them.
Get a pet, read a book, write something, take a class, exercise (really helps release emotional tension and anxiety, just a five minute run will do), join online groups, just make yourself heard.

Also, try just sitting your current friends down and explain to them that you need them to listen. Explain what you need and expect from them. Explain it's your right; you expect that, but its your joy to do the same for them.

Not everyone is your friend. You can have 10, 12 friends. But your confidants should be much less than that. And even then, you gotta be careful how much you share. You gotta build trust before you go all in, full disclosure.

Ima be honest, I don't know you and I truly, sincerely apologize if I missed what you were truly trying to say. You're an individual who deserves to be heard. You just gotta find new ways to be heard.

The biggest mistake you can ever make is relying on others to make you happy ir feel loved, needed, useful, heard. You gotta force the world to care. You gotta throw ypurself out there. Its totally against our personality, I know, but it helps.

Anyhoo, just my two cents.

If you still like to vent tho, which I in no way meant to hinder you from doing, please with all your heart, do so ! :)

Guest (not verified) says...

Just keep in mind stranger- friends are there to be just that: friends. They aren't there to make you feel less lonely- and they never will be. You are choosing to feel lonely whether you realize it or not, the fact is that you are not alone, all of us INFPs are with you, but it is in our nature to feel this way. Understanding this has helped me immensely. I suggest you take some time to read up on our personality type in depth- much of the tendencies you may have negative feelings toward (not hanging out with friends and the like) are actually very common natural attributes of who we are at our core- it's ok to want to be alone as much as we are, and after you realize this isn't some strange antisocial thing you do it becomes much easier to accept.

Guest (not verified) says...

Declan, what you've just described is the way I have felt for a very long time. I've wanted to do something about it for a while but had absolutely no idea where to even start. The most powerful thing that has helped me was to understand my personality and to recognize that I am the one contributing to and reinforcing my own loneliness. I'll echo the other guests here when I say that you should read more about your personality type - you'll find that there are actually many people who feel the same way as you and they are all trying to figure out ways to move forward. Reading about your personality type will help you understand yourself better and develop a better appreciation for your own strengths and weaknesses as a human being. Most importantly, it will help you start laying a foundation for for the changes you want in your life. You must understand that you are the one who is responsible for changing yourself, not other people. The happiness you seek in others is something that you have to first develop for yourself. This takes a lot of hard work. If you want a slap-in-the-face inspiration for change, read Mark Manson's 'Shut Up and Be Patient.'

Know that you are not alone in the way you feel. Know that other people struggle with the very things you've talked about. Know that you can reach out to others and that there are a huge number of resources out there. Know that changing the way you see yourself is not easy, but something that is very possible if you put in the work. Good luck.

Butterfly (not verified) says...

"Be your own best friend" is all well and good but maybe you are wanting a friend. Nothing wrong with wanting another human being to talk to and be with sometimes. I say look in unusual places. Maybe you can't go to Burning Man but you could go to a weekend fest near your home. If you have a cause you could volunteer and meet others in the cause. If you meet up with a person or group on meetup.com you will have a group with common interests with a defined beginning, middle and end so if you don't get along you have an out and if you really hit it off you have a thing in common you can meet and do again. I am also a strong believer in saying what you want out loud or writing your goals down. If you talk about wanting a buddy to pal around with sometimes you may run into someone who knows someone. It might end up with some awkward blind date like things but you will at least meet people who are interested in talking to someone face to face for an afternoon or evening.

andsail says...

I came here after having done this test maybe 2 or 3 years ago. The result tags me firmly and squarely infp, no borderline traits. I have a successful career and would like to talk about the concerns that other infp's on this site express. At this point however Declan's subject is the one that hits home. No, one cannot just be a friend to oneself for his while life. No person is an island. I too have experienced so many times when people unload on me and I am happy when I break through. But those same people I draw almost a total blank from when I look for the type of help and insight I have just given them. The fact is according to this site we infp's make up only 4% of the population. The chance of me finding someone I can have this type of sharing with in my circle of friends is rarer then hens teeth. The result of me being an infp is I have found myself surrounded with all types of broken needy people and I feel sucked dry. Happy to help the world and all that but we all must be able to recharge somehow. My thought was forming a support group. We're not all going to get on like a house on fire just because we share the same personality trait, but hopefully some of us will be able to draw some comfort insight and strength from folks we get on with. I'm going to start a thread on this and see what happens. Best wishes to all and look forward to hearing back from Declan and any others who would be interested.

Declan11 (not verified) says...

Thank you all for your responses. I posted this so long ago now, but I have really enjoyed reading various points of view from all these amazing people. I think I am in a better place now from when I posted this. I'm actually dating someone now who is also an infp and it's been going very well. Just having a similar minded individual who I can share and relate with is amazing. Anyway I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who took time out their lives to write how they felt to me. Nothing like giving an infp free space to put words down hahah.

Ingrid31 (not verified) says...

Hi, Andrew. That is a great idea a support group for the INFP. Please let us know more about that. I think between us the INFP's , we can all relate to Declan's concerns. Our tendency is to isolate but there are so many INFPs out there also. We are deep individuals that can understand and connect in another level, but it's not necessarily the same way around for us with people. Blessing to you, Declan and all INFPs.

andsail says...

Glad your life has entered a new and more satisfactory phase. I've come to understand that while opposites attract, it's the similarities that hold a relationship together over the long hall.

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