Why INFJs Date the Wrong People (And How You Can Find the Right One)

INFJs are introverted intuitives with a passion for personal growth and an innate ability to understand people. We also care deeply about others’ feelings.

Looking at Keirsey’s temperaments, INFJs are Idealists, a group that Truity calls Empaths as it better reflects our instinct to tune into others’ emotional worlds. Empaths are abstract thinkers, compassionate individuals and true romantics. This means we tend to have an idealized idea of love and see the potential in people rather than who they really are. Unfortunately, the INFJ’s caring and idealistic nature can lead us into one-sided relationships with people who take more than they give.

Let’s look at how the INFJ’s key traits can draw us towards the wrong people, and explore some strategies for finding our way back to the love we deserve.

INFJs Love to Help

INFJs lead with Introverted Intuition (Ni) as their dominant cognitive function. Ni describes the way INFJs perceive their inner world. 

Second in our stack is Extraverted Feeling (Fe), the function we’re most likely to use when interacting with the outside world. Fe means we’re deeply concerned with the feelings of others and focused on creating group harmony. Like most Introverts, INFJs also like to listen and dislike small talk, so when someone opens up about their problems or insecurities, we’re captivated.

INFJs are often drawn to troubled or challenging people because we believe we can help them. Our enormous empathy makes us feel compassion for those individuals. When other people run away from problems, we lean in.

In fact, INFJs care so much about others’ feelings, we often prioritize their needs over our own. And unfortunately there are people who will take advantage of that. We can easily spend huge amounts of our time and energy on people who take our kindness and compassion and don’t give anything back, leaving us drained and, sometimes, heartbroken.

How can you change this pattern?

You don’t have to change your personality to alter your relationship patterns. You just have to recognize the red flags that someone might take advantage of your kindness, such as:

• Lacking respect for your boundaries.
• Speaking negatively about past partners.
• Rushing into a relationship.
• Avoiding honest, open communication.
• Having a laugh at your expense.
• Blaming you for everything and playing the victim.
• Getting angry easily and making you feel you’re walking on eggshells.
• Behaving rudely to service people (a sign they’ll be disrespectful to you).
• Displaying inconsistent, hot-and-cold behavior.
• Acting jealous and controlling.
• Not telling the truth. 

Secondly, understand that people need to change themselves. As much as you care and want to help, it’s not your job to fix anyone. You’re not their therapist. If you want to be in a romantic relationship with someone, especially a troubled someone, they need to stand on their own two feet.

INFJs Can Mistake Low Self-Esteem for Sensitivity

Many INFJs identify as highly sensitive people (HSPs). Having high sensitivity, or sensory processing sensitivity, means you absorb more information from the environment than other people—sensory data such as sights, sounds and smells, but also the emotions of others.

According to psychologist Dr Elaine Aron, high sensitivity can be defined by the acronym DOES, which stands for: 

• Depth of processing: Absorbing information from the environment and processing it on a deep level.
• Overstimulation: Becoming overwhelmed by the information absorbed.
• Emotional reactivity: Reacting to experiences with strong emotions and feeling what other people feel.
• Sensing subtleties: Awareness of little things around you that others miss.

An INFJ HSP is often drawn to other highly sensitive people because we want to be understood and share our feelings with someone who knows us. But HSPs are rare. We can easily think we’ve found another sensitive soul when it’s actually someone with low self-esteem, who might also feel overwhelmed by emotions. But, for someone with low self-esteem, the intensity often comes from insecurity or not having a solid sense of self, rather than from true sensory and emotional sensitivity.

According to Dr. Marilyn Sorensen, author of Breaking the Chain of Low Self-Esteem and Director of the Self-Esteem Institute in Portland, Oregon, low self-esteem is a thinking disorder in which an individual sees himself as inadequate, unacceptable, unworthy, unlovable and/or incompetent. These beliefs create thoughts that tend to be negative, self-critical, self-blaming and full of self-doubt. And these thoughts consequently affect their behavior, leading to destructive patterns of avoidance, denial, criticism and defensiveness.

People with low self-esteem have difficulty knowing who to trust. They often display a lack of assertiveness, social anxiety and people-pleasing behaviors that can easily be mistaken for high sensitivity.

Similarly, INFJs often get involved with people who have an avoidant attachment style. An avoidant person fears emotional closeness and withdraws emotionally rather than facing issues. They use emotional distance to protect their sense of self-worth. As an INFJ, and especially if you have an anxious attachment style, you may mistake this distancing for depth or mystery and feel compelled to “fix” the relationship, rather than seeing it as an incompatibility in how you both give and receive love.

How can you change this pattern?

Recognize the signs of low self-esteem and realize that people who may not be good romantic partners for you. They are generally too focused on trying to get their own needs met to have anything left to give to you. And again, it’s not your job to fix them.

Understanding attachment styles can help you figure out if your relationship has potential, or if open communication, emotional stability, and healthy conflict resolution are out of reach right now. INFJs are very intuitive so don’t be pushed or talked into anything by anyone. Trust yourself. You know deep down if someone needs more help than it is reasonable for you to give.

INFJs Misinterpret Emotional Immaturity as Creativity

An emotionally immature person and a highly creative person may both present as rebellious, fun-loving, playful, an outside-the-box thinker. But real relationships aren’t just about novelty and fun. And there’s a big difference between having childlike enthusiasm for the world and being childish. Emotionally immature people may lean towards the latter and lack the skills to make a mature relationship work.

Here are some signs of an emotionally immature person:

• Avoiding taking responsibility for their actions.
• Avoiding tough conversations.
• Seeking external validation through socializing or social media.
• Struggling to control their emotions and lashing out in anger.
• Craving instant gratification, such as impulsive spending.
• Difficulty apologizing sincerely.
• Holding grudges, and taking criticism as a personal attack.

Many INFJs are creative themselves, so naturally we’re drawn to other people who appear to be creative. But it doesn’t mean they’re a good match.

How can you change this pattern?

It can be hard for INFJs to speak up for themselves and express their needs and concerns, but a healthy relationship requires you to tell your partner what you need and how you feel in a clear, calm way. An emotionally mature person will respond to you with understanding and respect.

You should also set boundaries in your relationships. If your partner starts showing a pattern of unacceptable behaviour, remember your worth and tell them what you will not tolerate. That doesn’t mean you’re insensitive or you’ve stopped being a caring person. It means you’re respecting yourself.

Final Thoughts

Real, lasting love isn’t about tolerating someone’s bad behavior or sacrificing your needs to help them. Healthy relationships shouldn’t be exhausting or stressful either. They should make you feel happy, supported, cared for, respected and loved. If you’re not feeling that in your relationship, take a step back and look at the kinds of people you’re drawn to, and whether they can give you what you need. In the end, it’s not about trying harder or giving more to make things work. It’s recognizing that you deserve better.