What You Secretly Want From Love, Based On Your Enneagram Type

As Valentine’s Day looms and stores begin to fill with overtones of red, white, and pink—it must be love on the brain, as Rihanna sings. And since love comes in all shapes, sizes and colors, it makes sense that the nine Enneagram personality types will be looking at love (and their significant others) in nine very different ways.  

What pulls on your heartstrings, based on your Enneagram type? Read on to find out what you secretly want from love.

Enneagram Type 1 in Love

What you want: Excitement and the opportunity to let out your inner child.

The One’s life is planned out—perfectly spick and span—like all things should be. Love, on the other hand, should feel like the best-planned spontaneity you’ve always wished for. Instead of adding another task to your to-do list (e.g. “Romantic things with my significant other”), Ones are really looking for opportunities to ‘love in the moment’ with a partner who lets you discover the beauty of work-life balance. 

What the One secretly wants from love:

  • Playfulness and a childlike silliness
  • Encouragement and words of comfort
  • A shared strong inner philanthropic drive 
  • Persistence and continuous improvement in your relationships
  • Trust without questions or hidden agendas

Enneagram Type 2 in Love

What you want: The reassurance of stability paired with radical and in-your-face honesty.

Help!—hearing the word itself is enough to get your gears going and leaping at the next opportunity to support someone. But what about when you experience it the other way around? As a Two, you tend to love love in itself: the hugs, affection, gifts and neediness of it all. Yet, it may be fuzzy as to what you actually want in a relationship, as you’re laser focused on how to please your significant other. 

What the Two secretly wants from love:

  • Honesty, commitment and loyalty
  • Courage and strength to practice independence
  • Opportunities to help out an extended friendship circle
  • Reciprocity in emotions and disclosure
  • Joy, radiance and hope for the future

Enneagram Type 3 in Love

What you want: Unconditional affection and recognition beyond your work and achievements.

Growing up, you may have learned that “love” is rewarded through hard work, your achievements and recognition. Accolades. Medals. Social media likes. Followers. The only way forward is more or, as the band Daft Punk sings: harder, better, faster, stronger. Secretly though, what you’re yearning for is an unconditionally supportive partner who embraces your weaknesses, and knows when to let you blow off some steam. 

What the Three secretly wants from love:

  • Unconditional appreciation outside of achievements
  • Empathy and deep emotional intelligence
  • Ambition where both parties climb mountains together
  • Courage to be authentic and remove their social masks
  • Creativity and a never-ending stream of ideas to move forward

Enneagram Type 4 in Love 

What you want: Appreciation for your unique talents and the extra push to bring you forward.

Fours possess a variety of creative talents and abilities, but sometimes lack the know-how or practical execution to see things through. A partner who will encourage you to run that extra lap on a dreary Sunday afternoon (or wake up an hour earlier) will push you in the direction of growth. At the core, you crave emotional attentiveness and depth. You also desire both beauty and brains in a partner, more so than any other Enneagram type.

What the Four secretly wants from love:

  • A partner who is patient with the Four’s fluctuating emotions
  • Necessary guidance as a gentle nudge
  • Timely and honest feedback and advice 
  • Sincere compliments and words of encouragement
  • An enduring sense of peace and gratitude

Enneagram Type 5 in Love 

What you want: A partner in mind (and crime) who will explore both the esoteric and practical with you.

As a Five, your time and energy is worth more than anything else in your life (aside from your bookshelf and journals, maybe). The love you secretly desire brings an open mind and a youthful sense of wonder to the table. As a lost wanderer on a mission to try and understand the universe, you search high and low for a love that makes you feel strong and able to break out of your sturdy shell. 

What the Five secretly wants from love:

  • New, interesting insights to problems and theories— a true intellectual match
  • A place to let their guard down and doors open
  • Witty and well-thought out gifts and cards
  • Ample space to learn and grow together
  • An easy and comfortable feeling of familiarity

Enneagram Type 6 in Love 

What you want: Trustworthiness and the gentle encouragement to gradually tread outside your comfort zone.

Life (and love) has a particular way to induce feelings of extreme happiness and fear in the Six—often at the same time. Your safety net and personal bubble is comfortable, familiar and oh-so cozy. A missed call or overlooked text may spring forth new worries. The love you seek is warm and uplifting, yet grounded in reality and practical. 

What the Six secretly wants from love:

  • A respectful, listening ear through times of stress
  • Solid support that can be counted on 24/7
  • Optimism and an infectious sense of positivity  
  • Goofy inside jokes and a great sense of humor
  • Quality time simply being present and together

Enneagram Type 7 in Love

What you want: A steadfast (yet fun!) rock to pull you back from potentially dangerous scenarios.

As self-sustained and confident you are when flying solo, Seven, you have a soft spot for the picturesque Disney romance—complete with cheesy jokes and over-the-top music. You are no stranger when it comes to thrills and ridiculously risqué behavior. The kind of love you long for is a shelter; a safety belt to pull you back from the cliff edge. Although it sounds mundane at best, you deeply want a slow burn instead of the fiery gasoline show.

What the Seven secretly wants from love:

  • Reassurance and an emotional safe spot
  • Guidance to improve work-life balance
  • Practical advice and gestures of appreciation
  • A sense of direction and course of action
  • Order in the midst of lifestyle chaos

Enneagram Type 8 in Love

What you want: A partner who can confidently stand you up and teach you the ins and outs of emotional intelligence.

Let’s face it Eight: you’re alpha and you know it. While it may seem intuitive (and natural) to find a partner who you can lead and boss around—ahem—give a few pointers to, you secretly crave someone who’s brave enough to let you know when to sit down. Empathy and vulnerability pose great challenges to your ego, so you need someone who can lead you down this rabbit hole gently and with confidence. 

What the Eight secretly wants from love:

  • Fair discussions and debates to clear the air
  • Open emotional acceptance and freedom
  • Opportunities to be vulnerable with confidence
  • Equal playing ground to make decisions as a team
  • Being stood up to with conviction and respect

Enneagram Type 9 in Love 

What you want: Confidence and unwavering patience to allow your assertiveness to unfold and grow.

Patience is one of your strong suits, and you also crave it in a partner to help amplify the hushed inner voice that is ready to stand up for your beliefs. Through times of uncertainty and conflict, you desire a steady ear to listen and offer sound advice. But you also secretly want a quietly thrilling love that withstands the test of time. Yes, it’s a bit contradictory, but these variances offer a true love path for the all-embracing Nine.

What the Nine secretly wants from love:

  • Ongoing physical and emotional warmth
  • Patience and comfort during times of emotional turmoil
  • Recommendations in hobbies and activities
  • Self-assurance and generosity 
  • Being heard, seen, and acknowledged

At this time of year, we could all share a little more love with our family, friends, pets, and partners—and sparks can certainly fly as Cupid’s arrow travels all around the lines of the Enneagram! I encourage you to make use of the Enneagram for your own personal ‘love’ growth. Don't know your type? Take the test!

Lily Yuan

Lily Yuan is a personality psychology writer who tests as INTP and constantly questions her type. Learn more and reach out at www.lily-yuan.com. Explore her blog at www.personality-psychology.com.

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