What the INFJ ‘Critical Parent’ Is and How to Work With It
INFJs are known for being warm and friendly and other types like to be around us. But our auxiliary (second preferred) cognitive function gives us a much deeper connection and caring disposition than simple “friendliness.” We are drawn to helping others and will listen to their woes as long as it takes to soothe them. And if we love you, we will give you the shirt off our backs, and our hat, shoes and pants as well. This is how we define Extraverted Feeling (Fe) as it shows up for this very social introvert.
But beneath the level of our awareness lies an insidious detractor that attacks our most sincere intentions. This voice can cripple the INFJ as we strive towards our deeply treasured values and beliefs. I am referring here to Introverted Feeling (Fi). You won’t see Fi in the four-part function stack that cognitive functions are typically organized into, as it appears in the sixth position of the INFJ’s stack as a shadow function, taking the role of the “Critical Parent.”
What are Shadow Functions?
“Shadow functions” are the last four functions in your stack, and you have rejected them in favor of your four primary functions. Not on a conscious level—you were born that way. And these mental processes are usually pushed way down and mostly ignored.
The truth is that all eight of these functions, both the primary and the shadow, are very much part of who you are. Yet when shadow functions emerge, they feel foreign, like they should belong to someone else. This is because we rarely use them and, until we integrate them into our overall personality, we experience them as dark. And sometimes we project our own dark bias about them onto others. You may feel like a part of you is twisted and you may want to hide it, but the big problem is that we hide it from ourselves.
Introverted Feeling (Fi) as the Critical Parent
As a shadow function in the role of the “Critical Parent,” Fi can be cruel. If you lack self-awareness, you may experience it as a harsh disapproval of what you do or who you are. Think of it as a chiding father who finds fault with his child out of his own insecurity and self-hate. This reproach attacks our self-esteem in the most hideous way, causing us to doubt our own authentic values. Your most precious ideals can be denounced and your confidence destroyed.
The inexperienced INFJ doesn’t use Fi naturally or intentionally the way we use our preferred functions (our first four or “primary” functions, namely Introverted Intuition, Extraverted Feeling, Introverted Thinking and Extraverted Sensing). Sometimes, it’s not used at all. When this happens, we leave looming blind spots in our personality that will wreak havoc in our lives and we won’t know why. We will continue to repress the shadow unless we make a decision to integrate and bring it up to the surface into conscious awareness.
Integration of Introverted Feeling for the INFJ
“The unconscious is unfavorable or dangerous only because we are not at one with it and therefore in opposition to it.” —Carl Jung
As Carl Jung says, as we invite Fi into our awareness, the use of it will become intentional and we will eventually gain control over it. When Fi is conscious in the INFJ, it emerges as a positive force. It’s no longer the harshly critical parent but takes on the characteristics of a different kind—one of protection and encouragement. This kind of parent, active in the INFJ only after Fi is integrated, can foster the sort of self-image that is healthy and gives us peace. This is because the more integrated Fi becomes, the more it will root for you to embrace and honor your own, authentic values.
And how does Fi protect us? As an integrated function in a loving parent role, Fi will attempt to protect us from becoming something abhorrent to the INFJ—shallow or fake. A loving parent will try to direct you away from an endeavor that is beneath you, especially as a gifted INFJ (and all INFJs have gifts). When integrated, Fi will push you towards your own authenticity, which is very important to the INFJ.
Activities That Help Integrate Introverted Feeling
Integrating Introverted Feeling for the INFJ involves making room for that inner parental guide that has been repressed for most of your life, if not all of it. It wants your attention, and its contributions will be more positive and supportive if you stop resisting its input and practice awareness. Try these activities to bring your Fi to the surface and into your conscious mind where it will be surprisingly helpful.
1. Pause and acknowledge
INFJs have a hard time acknowledging their Fi shadow function because their Extraverted Feeling is so strong and counters it. We are others-oriented and anytime we put our own values first we fight against feeling “selfish.” But don’t fall into that trap. Acknowledge that Fi is a part of you and that it has been neglected. Do this with compassion and remember that Fi is only dark when it’s repressed. Shadow functions want to be seen, and they act up when they are ignored. So when the Critical Parent starts to scold, say something like “I see you. But you will be more useful to me if you come to the surface and into my conscious awareness.”
2. Identify and reflect on your core values
Write down your core values and why they are important to you. If you’re an INFJ you probably know that writing is a better tool for you than speaking to make yourself heard. Don’t include objective facts, just your subjective values. Your feelings about what is important to you are enough and you don’t need to legitimize them with logic, or with the opinions of others. Here, what others think or expect has no merit. You are seeking what it is that you want and what has meaning for you. What is your truth? Remember, honoring your own values may bring up Fe guilt, so you must allow Fi a positive space to balance all aspects of your Feeling function.
3. Practice mindfulness
Mindfulness—are you tired of hearing that term? I don’t blame you if you are. But there’s a specific use for it here. Mindfulness for the INFJ is important to practice because it involves present-moment awareness, which is another name for Extraverted Sensing (Se), the least preferred and least developed conscious mental function in the INFJ function stack. You will need this function to become aware of what you experience in the moment when your Fi shadow function starts to misbehave. We must pay attention to our triggers and ask ourselves, how are they connected to our values?
4. Learn about projection
The INFJ is warm, friendly and empathetic, and when we are not, there’s a reason. It may be that we are recognizing Fi in someone else, and because it’s a shadow function for us, a dark force when we are unaware of it, we can criticize them for using it. In other words, we are projecting our own negative experience of Fi onto someone else who may be using it in a healthy way as a preferred function. Our lack of awareness causes us to see them as “selfish,” and we become the critical parent ourselves and burden others with our own darkness.
5. Sit quietly with your emotions
INFJs have no trouble sitting quietly and exploring their emotions because it takes us deep into our Introverted Intuition (Ni), which is our dominant function (most preferred). There we encounter the unencumbered and most expressive parts of ourselves. We can freely examine our feelings without judgment, and probe for root causes. Ni brings us face to face with what is true, because this inner landscape demands an authenticity that not only identifies our feelings but helps us understand how they are related to our core values. We can investigate with abandon what our emotions say about what is important to us.
6. Practice parenting yourself
Who do you see as an ideal parent? Perhaps it’s one of your own, or someone else’s, but the point is that you should talk to yourself the way these protectors and nurturers talk to their children. And as you become aware of the negativity and condemnation that Fi raises as your shadow function, you will recognize the sharp contrast between this ignored, repressed function as the critical parent, and the positive, healthy parenting role it embodies as you bring it up into your conscious awareness. So, for example, I may say to myself, “Great job writing this article, Becky.” While in the past, when I was unaware of my Fi shadow function, I heard “This article sucks.”
7. Designate a “Fi space”
This is like a “vision board” that some use for motivation. Dedicating an entire space to Fi (instead of a mere board) enables you to immerse yourself in a way that reminds you who you are at your core. Make it comfortable and quiet. Fill it with things that represent your values like a gift from a loved one, or a spiritual quote. Use this space to meditate on the values most important to you. Is it family? Visualize the exchange of love and positivity between you. Is it a just world? Picture a world in which all people receive the gifts of joy, kindness and peace, and how you will contribute to such a world.
8. Observe someone who leads with Fi
The best lesson for anyone who is trying to develop a non-preferred function, especially a shadow function, is to watch someone who enjoys that function as their most preferred, their dominant. They will demonstrate the most effective and positive way to use it because it comes naturally to them. So find an INFP or an ISFP and observe how comfortably they put boundaries around their treasured values, and how they communicate what is right for them. Fi, because it lives in their conscious awareness, encourages authenticity and is a powerful inner compass that clearly guides them in the right direction.
A Last Thought
If I were writing to other Myers and Briggs types here, I might worry that the subject of shadow functions might seem too abstract and impractical to pursue. But INFJs take self-discovery seriously. I have no doubt that you will chew on these ideas and add to them your own rabbit-hole excursions tailored to that epic, soulful journey that is uniquely you.
