What Do Enneagram Sevens Secretly Want in Relationships?

Clinically Reviewed by Steven Melendy, PsyD. on October 14, 2021

Having a true partner in crime can be an absolute delight—whether that’s a friend who is always up for an adventure or a partner who says ‘yes’ more often than ‘no’ to your wild suggestions. For Type Sevens, the best things in life are often made better by sharing them. A good bottle of wine, a sunset, an arthouse film or Sunday’s bottomless brunch, are all more enjoyable when shared with someone.

On the surface, it is easy to think a Seven just wants friends or partners who are up for the good stuff. But for a Seven, true intimacy comes from something much scarier.

Watch my youtube video talking about what Enneagram Sevens want in relationships here.

Sevens focus on avoiding pain, suffering, dark emotions and anything negative. They just don’t want to get stuck in those feelings. This applies to relationships as well. 

While Enneagram Type Sevens have plenty of worries running around their head, they fear vocalising them will mean more feelings, more pain, and more suffering. But they also know that real intimacy comes from sharing those thoughts. And they really want to share their weird and wonderful thoughts with you, but they worry how you will react.

So in relationships, what Sevens secretly want is to share their frustrations about you, with you, without anyone freaking out. (And to also be up for their latest adventure). 

To become a Enneagram Seven’s true partner-in-crime, give the following a go.

1. Appreciation

To other types, Enneagram Sevens can appear flaky and superficial, since they are relentlessly optimistic that everything will work out. While they appear thick-skinned, they are actually very sensitive to criticism. To build trust with a Seven, they really need to hear how much you appreciate their approach to life.

Let your Seven know you appreciate them by letting them know:

  • How much you loved their ideas and ability to brainstorm

  • How their optimism brightened your day

  • How much you admire their big-hearted and caring nature

  • That you really enjoy spending time with theme

2. Reminders

Enneagram Sevens benefit from friends and partners who are a little more down to earth, friends who are able to weather the tsunami of Seven suggestions, knowing that most of them are ideas that will never come to fruition. Sometimes it helps to remind your Seven of an earlier idea and ask if now is the right time to put it into action.

Try asking:

  • “Are you still keen on taking a trip to the beach? Want to go this weekend?”

  • “Want to go to that wine and painting class this week?”

  • “What did you decide about that project? Go, no-go or pause?”

  • “Are you still excited about ________?”

3. Shared commitment 

There are many Enneagram Type Sevens in committed relationships. However, while they remain committed, their connection to the relationship will come and go as they navigate their feelings around freedom and limitation. Having shared commitments or projects with a friend or partner can help redirect some of the Seven's attention, and Sevens enjoy partnering up to create something for the future.

Explore with your Seven:

  • Discover a shared interest and discuss what you want for that in the future

  • Discuss how you will work on it together, even if you do so separately 

  • Decide how you will check in with each other to share progress and discuss concerns 

Enneagram Type Sevens need to know they can share their darker fears and feelings with their friends and partners, without fearing that negative emotions will become a “big thing.” You can help them build trust and confidence in this by actively appreciating the value they bring to the world, by reminding them of their past ideas, and by not being attached to whether those ideas happen or not. And, most of all, by creating a shared commitment with them, whether that is raising a family, running a volunteer project or furthering a shared common interest.

Samantha Mackay

Samantha is the Lead Trainer at Truity and is Enneagram Coach, certified by CP Enneagram Academy. She believes knowing your personality is the key to navigating life's hurdles. Samantha is an ENTP and Enneagram 7, who is always surrounded by a pile of books, a steaming cup of tea and a block of her favourite chocolate. Find her on LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/samanthamackay/. Check out her course "Unlocking the Power of Your Personality" at www.truity.com/training

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About the Clinical Reviewer

Steven Melendy, PsyD., is a Clinical Psychologist who received his doctorate from The Wright Institute in Berkeley, California. He specializes in using evidence-based approaches in his work with individuals and groups. Steve has worked with diverse populations and in variety of a settings, from community clinics to SF General Hospital. He believes strongly in the importance of self-care, good friendships, and humor whenever possible.

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