Can You “Tame” a Type Seven? How to Reach the Enneagram’s Most Elusive Type

Have you ever dated that person who seemed perfect at the beginning of the relationship but then became increasingly hard to pin down? The elusive Peter Pan?  If you go to any Reddit dating advice community, you’ll get thousands of posts asking how to deal with someone who goes from being super consistent to completely inconsistent.  They read something like this: 

“We have great conversations and we’ve had a blast each time we’ve gone out so far. The problem for me is, sometimes we talk consistently every day. And other times I might just not hear from him for several days.

It makes it difficult to tell where things stand. At one point, I really thought he was ghosting me because I hadn’t heard from him in several days, even after I texted him. So I was ready to forget him and move on. And then he came back around and started talking to me consistently everyday for a couple weeks. But now we haven’t talked in a few days again. I really like him, but I really don’t like this.”

If this sounds familiar, you might be dating the elusive Type Seven, the enthusiast of the Enneagram. As a Type Seven myself, I understand this psychology with painful clarity. It was once described as a “catch and release” dating style, and I remember cringing inside when I heard that description. It was true, but I didn’t want it to be.

The Dating Style of Type Sevens: What Makes Them Tick

For Type Sevens, personal freedom is a fundamental value. Their habit of attention points to the positive, and they have a strong belief in a brighter future. In average states of awareness, their sense is while they may be happy now, for sure they could be happier. Happiness is in the future, and they have to go get it themselves. This leads them to be assertive and self-referencing.  They also feel they need a lot of personal freedom to pursue whatever it is that might make them happy. Commitment can feel threatening.

And herein lies the dilemma. How does a Type Seven function in a typical relationship that has its shares of ups and downs? How do Type Seven partnerships balance the requirements and commitments of a healthy relationship alongside this need for freedom?  

The good news is the Enneagram offers us a guide to clarity. This roadmap, along with personal anecdotes and testimonials are codified in my book, The Nine Keys, where I interviewed both Type Sevens and the partners of Type Sevens.  

 The following tips are based on those interviews.

Tip #1: Independence is a Love Language

Stella, a Type Seven in a relationship with Diego, another Type Seven shares, “In our relationship, freedom is a guiding principle. He is nothing but supportive of my life, my independence and my need for the freedom to make choices for myself that do not always include him. In return, I feel the same way. We both understand this need for freedom doesn’t mean that we don’t want our relationship to be an essential part of our lives. 

In past relationships, my need for freedom has hurt my partner’s feelings and led to incredibly difficult arguments that left me feeling untrusted, unloved, insecure about my choices and sad. In this relationship, I’m with someone who is not only unoffended by this need of mine but who in fact shares it.”

Long term partnerships with Type Sevens are often punctuated by notes of extreme independence. This pair might go on holiday independently or with their friends, leaving their partner behind. While in some couples, this could read as a red flag, for a Type Seven this can be a sign of a healthy dynamic whereby each partner offers the other a long leash and plenty of freedom.

Simon, Type Four, married in a 36-year relationship with Kate, Type Seven concurs, “One of the biggest challenges in our relationships is that we aren’t able to get all of our needs met with each other. I need more emotional support than Kate is able to provide. With some couples, these issues might drive them apart but with us, the differences actually hold us together. We both understand we need people outside our relationship to get some of our needs met. And we know we need real space away from each other at times. We don’t have a conventional relationship, but we have one that works well for us.”

If you are with a Type Seven remember that their need to be apart from you is not necessarily a threat. Coupled with clear communication, it can be a sign of a healthy dynamic. 

Tip #2: Don’t Try to Control Your Type Seven’s Schedule

Elsa, Type One, in an 18-year relationship with Lars, Type Seven shares, “I used to draw the parallel that you should never make a man choose between his wife and his mother because no matter the choice, you will lose. It is the same with my husband and his schedule. I never made my husband choose between his schedule and me. Lars and I worked out the balance of time commitments, finances, parenting and then some time together.” 

Allowing a Type Seven to control their schedule is key because in the mind of a Type Seven, their schedule is their ticket to happiness. Putting too many limitations on their freedom feels intense, like they are being choked of oxygen. Type Sevens can absolutely be committed and responsible, but they need to feel like they have freedom and commitment is their choice.  

Tip #3: Be Open to Spontaneity and a Positive Vibe

Type Sevens focus on feeling good so spontaneity and good times matter to them. Being in partnership with someone who supports this feels nourishing. 

Says Stella, “One of the things I love about our relationship is that we both thrive on spontaneity. We can be sitting together on a Thursday night watching TV when one will turn to the other and say ”Let’s go out and do something!” We’re in agreement so we’ll jump in the car, drive around with windows down, music blaring, on our way to our favorite hangout to see who else might be there…In other relationships, my partner would have no interest in leaving the house, but Diego is on the same wavelength - maybe it was even his idea – so off we go. For me, this is pure heaven.”

Type Sevens value fun and happiness. They aren’t usually image-conscious and while they can be generous, it is usually in service of their own good time. “We prioritize positive experiences over things. For our wedding, we spent over half of our wedding budget to rent a house on the beach for our close friends to stay in for the week leading up to the wedding,” says Courtney, Type Seven married to Martin, also Type Seven. “Within the relationship, we don’t have a lot of rules, spoken or implied. Personal freedom guides our dynamic and most expectations we have of each other have been articulated and agreed on casually.” 

If you are with a Type Seven, you must keep coming back to the idea that good times are like oxygen to them. This is part of what makes a Type Seven such a compelling partner. They want a good time, and they are happy to take you along for the ride. And most Type Sevens who commit to marriage and children share that they see it as a way to have more fun experiences. The commitment feels less scary when it is linked to fun.

Red Flags: When Enough is Enough

While these are tips, there are also red flags to be on the lookout for.  In the lower states of awareness, Type Sevens can be avoidant and inconsistent to the point of being undatable. It is one thing to have a desire for freedom, it is entirely another to ignore or minimize your partner’s need for consistency.

Allison, Type 8 in a relationship with Melinda, Type 7, explains, “Melinda’s independence is extreme, and sometimes I feel too separated from her. We both hate feeling controlled, so compromise is a delicate balancing act. She sometimes avoids difficult emotional issues by keeping busy with projects, and this has been painful for me. I have felt she was not connecting with me for a deeper discussion because she felt fearful of the emotional content. This has been my biggest challenge, particularly since I can experience it as rejection.”

In the lower levels of awareness, anxiety, masked as restlessness, intensifies the drive to have more choices and options. This Type Seven might be adventurous and fun-loving but they have difficulty staying focused and committing to anything long-term. There is a high drive for new things, but their consistency is weak. Their behavior takes on a self-interested edge, and they can be greedy, demanding and self-centered. Nothing feels like enough as they are unable to get relief from their anxiety.

Anders, Type Nine, married to Anette, Type Seven, admits: “Her anxiety can be a challenge. She gets very anxious if she feels left out or if she can’t do something she wants. Negative thoughts seem to take over her mind, and she can get really worked up.  I worry as we enter a period of our lives with more responsibilities that this issue will come up more and more...”

Can You Tame a Type Seven?

The issue isn’t actually if you can tame a Type Seven but rather is your Type Seven aware of their patterns and willing to work on them? A healthy Type Seven doesn’t stop needing freedom, independence and good vibes, but they are able to work through negative emotions, stay in the present moment and show up reliably for their partner.  

If you find yourself asking, “Why does this feel so good when we’re together, and yet so uncertain when we’re apart?” pay attention to the pattern instead of the chemistry.  A self-aware Type Seven can be one of the most enjoyable partners on earth but an unself-aware one can lead to a lot of heartache.