The Dangers of Emotional Mirroring

“A problem shared is a problem halved…” At least, most of the time. However, it is a truth universally acknowledged that sometimes you feel a thousand times worse after speaking to someone, especially if that person happens to have a strong emotional response to your situation.

Welcome to the world of emotional mirroring. It’s a story of two halves. 

On the one hand, emotional mirroring can be cathartic. It helps you to connect with those around you and bond with your fellow man. But on the other hand, there’s a chance you will lose your own perspective and take on someone else’s emotions as if they were your own. 

Here’s what our experts have to say about the bizarre psychology of emotional mirroring.

What is emotional mirroring?

We all want human connection. In every social interaction, we’re each seeking common ground with the other person. One of the ways we engage with people—and show that we’re on the same team—is through a technique known as emotional mirroring. 

“Emotional mirroring refers to the phenomenon where an individual unconsciously imitates the emotions, expressions or behaviors of another person,” says Niloufar Esmaeilpour, MSc, RCC, SEP from Lotus Therapy & Counselling Centre. “This often occurs during interactions as a way of building rapport.”

Like its twin sister empathy, emotional mirroring is a social intelligence skill. We want to be liked by the other person and so we unconsciously start to copy their behavior, gestures and even opinions. It’s an unintentional response that happens without us consciously doing anything, and the signs are subtle. There may only be a few small “tells” that you are engaging in emotional mirroring with the other person.

“You might notice that you're emotionally mirroring someone if you adopt their facial expressions, posture or mood during a conversation,” explains Daniel Matchar, a Therapist at Practical Pie. “For example, if you start to smile when the other person smiles or feel your mood shifting to match theirs, these are signs of emotional mirroring.” 

Breaking that down, you know you’re emotionally mirroring when: 

• You mimic the other person. 

When you’re speaking with someone, do you use the same language, tone and sayings that they use? You might find yourself repeating sentences that you would not typically use or changing the pitch of your voice.

• You’re copying their gestures. 

“Emotional mirroring often involves unconsciously imitating physical expressions or postures. If you notice that you've adopted similar physical expressions as the other person, it might indicate emotional mirroring,” says Esmaeilpour. Copying someone’s hand movements, tilting your head in synchronicity or adopting their hands-on-hips stance could all be signs that you are emotionally mirroring them. 

• Your emotions shift dramatically. 

One of the biggest tells that you are emotionally mirroring someone is a sudden change in how you feel. If you go into the conversation feeling happy and leave it feeling anxious, frustrated or upset, that could be a real sign. “Being aware of your own emotions and reactions in social interactions can help you recognize when you are mirroring others,” says Matchar.

• You agree with everything they say. 

Have you ever felt like you have lost the ability to formulate your own opinion? If, like the Evil Queen’s magic mirror, you find yourself echoing back and agreeing with everything that the other person has to say—without giving much thought to how you really feel—you are likely engaging in some emotional mirroring. 

The dangers of emotional mirroring

Usually, there’s nothing sinister about emotional mirroring—it’s just one of the ways we try to fit in. 

But as Esmaeilpour explains, it can also have downsides. Mirror someone at the wrong time, in the wrong place and you might start to experience the negative effects.

The best way to explain this is with an example. Imagine you’re in a meeting with your coworker who is airing their concern about a client. When you walked into the room, you felt fine, neutral.

But then your coworker started complaining that this particular client is being too demanding and making their job difficult. It’s a heated conversation—they are getting angry and frustrated —and, before you know it, you find yourself feeling the same way. When they tap their foot in frustration, you start doing the same. Despite not having any concerns to begin with, you start to echo theirs, agreeing that this client is the problem and you need to take action.

By the end of the discussion, your heart rate has shot up, your muscles are tight, and you have an overwhelming feeling of anxiety. While all of the above may be a genuine response to the situation, these could also be signs that you have been emotionally mirroring.

“Emotional mirroring can lead to taking on negative emotions or stress from others, which can be emotionally draining or overwhelming,” says Esmaeilpour. Imagine how burned out you're going to feel if you repeatedly mirror negative emotions or the stress of others on top of your own!

But it doesn’t end there. This phenomenon can quite literally change the way that you feel about a certain topic, person or anything in between. Caught up in the drama, you may forget to consider how your genuine, rational opinion factors in. As Esmaeilpour explains, “it might cause someone to lose touch with their own feelings and needs if they are overly focused on mirroring another person's emotional state.”

“Consistently mirroring negative emotions can lead to emotional exhaustion or losing touch with your feelings,” continues Matchar. “It can also create a situation where an individual's emotions or attitudes are overly influenced by those around them, leading to a lack of personal boundaries or authenticity.”

How to break the habit: expert advice

Looking for a way to break the cycle? White not all emotional mirroring is bad, if it’s having a negative effect on your mood or mental health, there are some simple strategies that can help you. Check out our expert-backed advice on how to curb this particular habit.

Stay mindful during tricky conversations

Emotional mirroring can happen during any conversation. It can be most dangerous, though, when the subject matter is potentially controversial or difficult for you. You might find that your true opinion on the topic is swayed by someone else’s point of view, for example.

To overcome this problem, you should take a mindful approach to these discussions. “It's crucial to be self-aware and mindful of your emotional responses, ensuring that empathy doesn't lead to losing your sense of self or personal well-being,” says Matchar. For example, you might prepare ahead of time by reminding yourself of the points you want to make or taking a moment to consider how you actually feel about a topic before jumping into a discussion with someone else.

Reflect on the origin of your feelings

Emotional shifts happen… but they aren’t always authentic. It’s important to know when you have changed the way that you feel organically and when someone else has influenced you.

“If you suddenly start feeling emotions that don't align with your previous state or current circumstances, it might be a sign that these emotions are mirrored from someone else,” says Esmaeilpour. “Ask yourself if these feelings were present before the interaction.” 

If they were not, you may need to take a step back.

Assess the intensity and longevity of your emotions

Real emotions are unmistakable. You feel them in your gut and have a genuine connection to them. However, when you are emotionally mirroring someone, you are not actually experiencing authentic emotions and it will feel different.

“Sometimes, mirrored emotions can feel more superficial or less intense than your own genuine emotions,” explains Esmaeilpour. “If the negative feelings seem to lack depth or personal connection, they might be mirrored.”

Additionally, the emotions that you take on from others may well be fleeting. “Mirrored emotions often dissipate once you're no longer in the presence of the person whose emotions you were mirroring,” continues Esmaeilpour. “If the negative emotions fade relatively quickly after the interaction, they might have been mirrored.”

To address this, you need to take a moment to assess how strongly you feel about something. If your emotions feel shallow or disconnected, they're probably not authentic. Using artificial emotions can actually backfire and when rapport-building—so watch out for them!

Honestly reflect on your own values

If you think that your feelings may be a result of emotional mirroring, this is your sign to pause and take a step back. Consider what has led you to feel a certain way, what your genuine reaction to the situation is, and where your perspective lies here.

“Sometimes reflecting on your own values, beliefs and usual emotional responses can provide insight,” says Esmaeilpour. “If the emotions you're feeling are in contrast to your usual responses or beliefs, they might be a result of emotional mirroring.” When you spot this happening, it's important to take a break from the one-way flow of empathy and focus on your own perspective, perhaps by setting boundaries or asserting your own viewpoints in a respectful manner.

Get a second (or third) opinion

“Sometimes, talking to a friend or a therapist about the situation can provide an outside perspective,” says Esmaeilpour. “They might help you understand whether these emotions are typical for you or likely a result of mirroring.”

If you are unsure about whether your emotions are authentic or mirrored, speak up about the situation. Don't be afraid to seek the opinions of others—it might just give you the clarity that you need to break free from emotional mirroring and truly connect with your own feelings and thoughts.