Although empathy is certainly a quality that can be cultivated, some of us find that we are naturally more empathetic than the average person. So, if you have it in abundance, is empathy an asset or a liability? 

Much of the time, the answer is both.  Like with any “superpower,” empathy can come with some downsides. Sometimes you just need a break from saving, or understanding, the world. 

But if empathy is your superpower, there are things you can do to tip the scales in your favor by minimizing the negatives and accentuating the positives. 

What is empathy anyway? 

Empathy is said to go beyond sympathy in that we put ourselves in another person’s shoes, see things the way they see them, and feel what they feel. A truly empathetic person literally feels for and with another person to the point that others' pain truly hurts him/her. 

Some of you are probably nodding your heads about now, maybe with a slightly chagrined look on your face, because all that feeling doesn’t always feel great.

Some not-so-super things about being empathetic

If you are an empathetic person, you know that this quality can sometimes seem like a burden, if not actually a curse. Here are some of the downsides:

  • If we feel what others feel, and what they’re feeling is sad, angry, hurt, or otherwise something negative, we feel those things too. 
  • Empathy often moves us to want to help. Whether that’s just being willing to really listen, or to try to make things better for the other person, we take a lot of responsibility onto ourselves that generally wouldn’t fall on our shoulders.
  • You can’t always shut empathy on and off when you want to. If you’re truly empathetic, you can’t help but experience others’ feelings, even when you don’t want to or don’t have the energy.
  • All of that extra emotion can be exhausting, and sad, because there’s only so much one person can do.

Although we probably can’t choose not to be empathetic by nature, we can learn to use empathy in a way that serves ourselves and others without being victims of it, at least as much.

How to minimize the downside

  • Be selective.

You can’t be everything to everyone all the time. And not everyone is even asking for your empathy, or for you to fix their problems. And some will take unreasonable advantage of you if you let them. So, try to choose your causes and the times when you’re more open to listening and letting your feelings get involved. It’s okay to say no sometimes, or to set limits on the times you’re available.

  • Keep it real.

Yes, being empathetic can make many things too personal for us. But by limiting our primary use of empathetic energy to people we know and care about, and in a sphere where we can do some actual good, we won’t squander as much energy where we can’t really help.

I’ve literally wept for fictional characters, and composed speeches trying to reform their fictional abusers. Yes, it's been said that fiction can actually help develop a sense of empathy, which can be good for those who need to stretch in that area. But if you’re already stretched too far with your ability to feel what others feel, you might not want to seek out sources of need that literally don't exist.

It’s similar with watching news accounts. We know there is suffering and injustice and tragedy around the world. Being aware and caring is good. Taking in every story and taking it personally when we really can’t do anything about it isn’t. It will just drain our energy. 

Like with any type of self-care, if we save our energy by not caring excessively in the abstract, we can have more to give to those we can actually be there for. 

This definitely doesn’t mean limiting our empathy and compassion to only those we know and like, or to those who are like us, or live near us. It just means limiting how much energy we spend on emotions that won’t actually help anyone.

  • Take a step back.

Sometimes, we need to remind ourselves that not every emotion is a tragedy, and not every need is ours to fill. If we remember that others are really resourceful if left to their own devices, and that we’re not the only person who can listen, care, or help, we might give ourselves a break sometimes.

Besides, it’s okay to care and understand without breaking our heart. We can be a stronger support to someone if we step back a little from our feelings about their feelings, instead of plunging in the deep end and swimming through it all with them. 

Some super things about being empathetic

Empathy is an important and vital skill, and a necessary part of being human. So, as you might expect, there are lots of upsides! Here are just a few:  

  • It can give you perspective.

Empathy can help you step back and look at a situation with the distance that understanding brings.

You can put a situation into perspective, and thus decrease your negative response to it, because empathy helps you understand what’s really going on. Since you’re good at putting yourself in another person’s place, you may have a better idea of where they’re coming from. 

This can help you see what motivates them, what they’re dealing with, and why they are the way they are. With this perspective, someone may seem less like a villain, an enemy, or a threat, because you see the why behind how they act, speak, and present themselves.

Such understanding helps take the sting out of others’ behavior. It’s like you’re standing on a mountain looking down. You can see the big picture, and you’re removed enough to not take the situation so personally. 

Having perspective can also help you be an excellent mediator among people with different viewpoints because you can see where each of them is coming from.

  • It can give you insight.

If perspective helps you understand another’s motives and behavior and manage your own feelings about them, insight helps you see what you can do or say to make the situation better. This could be knowing how to help the other person or how to protect yourself or others. 

When you have this deep understanding of how others feel, and why they act the way they do, it helps you know what to do or say – or what not to do or say – to make a better outcome likely.

  • You can inspire and motivate others.

If you can put yourself in someone’s shoes, they’re more likely to trust you, and maybe even want to follow your example. And understanding can lead to better communication, which tends to make everything work better.

Whether you’re in a leadership role at work, or simply want to help your friends be their best selves, your empathy can be a strength. It can even make you look wise, because of your ability to understand so many points of view.

  • Sometimes it feels good.

If we feel separate from everyone around us, we tend to suffer from loneliness and lack of meaningful connection. But if we share others’ emotional experience, we feel closer to them and less alone. 

So, understanding in itself can be satisfying. Then, if that understanding helps us to make things better for someone, or just helps them feel understood and valued, we experience the satisfaction of doing good, and we benefit, too.

Conclusion

Empathy is definitely a good thing. But whether it’s good or bad for us depends largely on how – and how much – we use it. If we control it as a resource instead of being under its control, we can use it for good without letting it wear us out. 

Diane Fanucchi
Diane Fanucchi is a freelance writer and Smart-Blogger certified content marketing writer. She lives on California’s central coast in a purple apartment. She reads, writes, walks, and eats dark chocolate whenever she can. A true INFP, she spends more time thinking about the way things should be than what others call the “real” world. You can visit her at www.dianefanucchi.naiwe.com or https://writer.me/diane-fanucchi/.