3 Reasons Why It Can Be Hard to Feel Loved By Your Type 5 Partner27 April 2021 / By Lynn Roulo Clinically Reviewed by Steven Melendy, PsyD. on April 27, 2021
Type 5, the Investigator is the intellectual deep-diver of the Enneagram. Curious, insightful, and cerebral, this mind can have sparks of genius and from vaccines to personal computers, Type 5s often lead the way with innovation. But if these folks are so insightful and observant, why is it those closest to them often feel neglected? Let’s take a closer look at the habit of attention of Type 5s.
With a mental focus that moves towards scarcity and concerns about being overwhelmed without adequate resources, Type 5s spend a lot of time managing the demands of the outside world. When Type 5s are highly self-aware, this habit of attention relaxes, and they can show up generously, sharing their time, energy, and knowledge freely with others. But those with average to lower levels of awareness contract around their fixation, leading to problematic behavior. Withdrawal, disengagement, and withholding are the low side of Type 5. And that means challenges for a romantic partner.
1. They Hide
They aren’t proud of it, but Type 5s will often blush red and confess “I hide from people.” If you give them the chance to bow out of a social interaction, they will likely take it. From missing important celebrations to postponing that dinner you planned, Type 5s are all too happy to take a rain check on getting together.
It isn’t that they don’t want to see you, but the mind of a Type 5 has a subconscious concern that they will become drained or overwhelmed by the energy required to interact with others. This makes it easy for them to decline social invitations and postpone get-togethers. In the same way you and I might skip an event if it is pouring rain outside, Type 5s feel that a storm is always brewing, and they are likely to get caught in the downpour without an umbrella. Why risk it? It is easier to bow out.
While it can feel like rejection, that isn’t the intention. It is more an exaggerated sense of overwhelm. The Type 5 mind is focused on how much energy will be required, how much time will be taken and so forth. You can help your Type 5 partner socialize by offering clear parameters and small, controlled social settings.
2. They Struggle with Spontaneity
Building on this fixation of feeling overwhelmed, Type 5s are not famous for being spontaneous. They need lots of time to plan and gather their energy for even simple outings. In a relationship, this can feel like a lack of interest, but this isn’t the case. As Ericha, a Type 4 explains about her partner, Thomas, a Type 5:
“Thomas finds stability in structuring his time. I’m more spontaneous and enjoy going with my intuition when it comes to plans and scheduling. This can be challenging because I’ll wake up some mornings and want to go out together – to a coffee shop to work or to the park for a walk or to meet up with some of our friends for dinner – but if we haven’t discussed it the night before, or sometimes even days in advance, it’s difficult for him to make the adjustment to going out.
In the beginning, I took this personally – I thought his inability to adapt and “act quickly” meant he wasn’t interested in spending time with me. But I’ve come to realize that his ability to stick to a schedule – and work slowly and steadily – makes him more available to me during those times that we do spend together. When he sticks to his schedule, he can be 100% present when we are together.”
Type 5s describe this concern about being unprepared as intense. They liken it to feeling as though they start each day with a quarter of a tank of gas, and they need to figure out how to get through the day. Carefully planning how time and energy will be spent is part of the habit of fixation for Type 5s.
If you are in a relationship with a Type 5, don’t take the lack of spontaneity personally. It’s not meant as a lack of interest but instead as self-protection. And like Ericha points out, when you honor your Type 5’s need to plan, they can show up 100% present when you do agree to do something together.
3. They Can Seem Robotic and Remote
The Type 5 mind works almost in binary code and emotional expression does not come easily to them. They prefer to discuss topics that are objective, and they naturally gravitate towards facts, reason, and logic. They don’t identify easily with feelings and often don’t know what they are feeling themselves. Type 5s sometimes report they don’t actually want to feel their emotions, as the world of emotion can feel confusing and overwhelming to them.
Because of their lack of emotional expression, partners can often become insecure, wondering where they stand in the relationship and questioning their Type 5’s interest in them. Ironically, most partners who ask this question directly are usually surprised to learn how content their Type 5 is in the relationship.
If you are in a relationship with a Type 5, recognize that emotional expression is difficult for them. It may feel like they are withholding emotional connection, but that isn’t the intention. They struggle with emotional connection themselves, and it is hard for them to offer something they haven’t mastered.
As you can see, it is easy for Type 5s to say no: no to social events, no to spontaneous outings, no to flowery emotional exchanges. But don’t think that they don’t care. As Sandy, Type 5 reports:
“Even though I’m not great at expressing my emotions or showing up for others emotionally, I do care about other people. My inner life is much messier than anyone can understand. I am emotional, and I have attachments that can get complicated. When I do open up and trust someone, that person becomes a lot of things to me.”
While these characteristics might feel frustrating, there is also a lot to love about the Type 5 personality. This is someone who offers their partner a great deal of independence and doesn’t make overbearing demands on their time. Type 5s bring emotional stability and a very neutral mind - helpful traits when dealing with complicated problems and life’s challenges.
You can find all Enneagram types very happy in their relationship with their Type 5. They shared things like:
“In our relationship, he is my “rock” and holds my space well, and I am his “muse,” helping him find his playful side.” (Emma, Type 4)
“I am very happy to live with an accommodating, quiet, low-profile, creative, helpful, kind, grounded, stable and supportive husband. He is a blessing, and I am grateful for him.” (Eva, Type 7)
“I really value my husband’s open-mindedness, sharp-mindedness and resourcefulness. A foundational element of our relationship is freedom for each of us to pursue our own interests independently, without feeling guilty or bitter towards each other.” (Anastasyia, Type 9).
Got a Type 5 partner you are trying better to understand? Share this post with them to start a conversation with them - you might be surprised to understand just how much they value their relationship with you.
AndreaF (not verified) says...
As a Type 5/INTP - "tomorrow begins today'. By tomorrow I'm already in my groove for the job ahead and spontaneous asides can be enormously disruptive.
Genuine emergencies are fine - and wipe out my state of mind for the job I had lined up. Day lost.
People who usually 'wing it' don't place the same value on exploratory thinking that I do. Just do what we've always done...
Yes, I can improvise, and I feel sour afterward. It could have been such playful fun to explore the possibles instead of rushing through with same old.
Thanks for writing this. There were explanations I can use ahead.