Is Your Boss a Dark Empath?

For years, I assumed that all empaths had the amazing ability to feel the emotions of others, and thus were great listeners and able to understand people on a much kinder, deeper level. 

I was wrong. 

There is a kind of empath that can’t feel your feelings but is adept at recognizing your emotional state and using it against you. I am talking about the dark empath—a sinister personality that is hard to spot and can be dangerous if the dark empath is in a position of authority over you. Like your boss.

What is a Dark Empath?

Think of them as a cross between an empath and a narcissist. I know, right? Counterintuitive. An empath experiences your emotions while a narcissist has no empathy at all. So how can those traits both be in one individual?

To help us understand this, let’s look at the three kinds of empathy:

• Cognitive empathy: This is the ability to register another’s feelings without relating to them.
• Emotional empathy: This is the ability to feel another’s feelings as if they were your own.
• Compassionate empathy: This is the ability to both register and feel another’s feelings. It generally results in a “wish to help.”

A narcissist lacks all of these, and people we’ve come to know as empaths often have all three.

Here’s where it gets tricky—the dark empath employs only one of these: cognitive empathy. This means that they can recognize, and even understand, your emotions but they feel no compassion for you. 

They may appear to be attuned to your feelings, and they are, but not how you think. To the dark empath, your emotions are data they use to manipulate you with what looks like support but isn’t. They are unable to care about your emotions because they can’t feel them.

It’s easy for the dark empath to victimize you without you ever knowing what happened, especially when they are given power over you at work. They may be more psychologically dangerous than a narcissist because of this. The narcissist who presents (out in the open) as a cold, self-absorbed jerk can more easily be recognized, while the dark empath looks like a trusted friend. It’s diabolical.

Have we just described your boss? Let’s take a look.

Eight signs your boss is a dark empath

 #1: They get what they want at the expense of their employees.

The dark empath uses their skill in collecting “data” on your emotional state to facilitate their own goals. Even when it looks like they have your best interests at heart, everything comes second to serving themselves.

#2: They are locked diaries, never open books.

They stay in control by being emotionally unavailable and never admitting fault. They may be aware of their own shortcomings at work, but they will gaslight you into believing their shortcomings are yours, or that you have imagined them.

#3: They shame you with guilt-trips.

They are adept at recognizing your feelings of obligation and remorse, and they will employ guilt to manipulate you. This is intensified by the position of authority they have over you as your boss, and if they are successful at guilting you, work will become toxic.

#4: They seek constant attention and validation.

The dark empath has many insecurities and low self-esteem in general. As an employer, they will try to fill this void with constant validation from their employees. If they don’t get your outspoken approval, they can become vindictive.

#5: They use dark humor to belittle people.

Dark empaths disguise their disdain and manipulation behind malicious humor.  A snarky comment or cutting sarcasm may seem harmless, but if your boss is a dark empath, they will use this tool to bully and belittle you. This will undermine your confidence in your ability to do your job.  

#6: They use indirect aggression to manipulate you

They may not be overtly aggressive, but they excel in covert manipulation strategies like gossip, gaslighting and belittling humor, and will become spiteful if they don’t get what they want. This may happen before you realize it.

#7: They present as easy going, extraverted and agreeable.

The dark empath appears to be warm and friendly and is usually extraverted. This makes them very hard to spot and very dangerous. They are masters at hiding their true antagonistic nature.

#8: They can make you feel at ease.

Remember, the dark empath is skilled at reading your emotional state.  They can mirror your feelings on the surface so well that you will feel at ease, and your boss may use this to get into your head.

Wait, we aren’t done yet!

Now that you know how to spot a dark empath, it’s important you take action to protect yourself from them.

The best suggestion is to get a transfer or another job. Don’t expect your boss to change. They will break you down emotionally so if at all possible, leave. Weigh your need for the income against your mental health—because that’s what’s at stake.

But if you can’t leave, there are a few things to remember and do.

5 tips to help you cope with your dark empath boss

1) Get clear on what motivates them—self-interest.

They show kindness only when it works in their interest. Don’t be vulnerable by thinking they can change and become genuinely caring. If they seem to be doing you a favor, remember that there’s something in it for them.

2) Don’t trust them with personal info or feelings.

Don’t share your emotions or personal life with them. If they have no intel to use against you, they may move on to a different target. Set boundaries by keeping it impersonal and professional … always.  

3) Manage your own energy tank when dealing with them.

Keeping your guard up around them will be exhausting, but it’s better than the fallout that may come from engaging them. Use radical self-care to keep the energy you need for yourself, whatever that means for you.

4) Get support from friends, but not friends from work

When you need to process your work experiences, do it with a trusted friend away from work. Your co-workers may or may not see what you see, and if you open up to them you run the risk that your boss finds out and uses it against you.

5) Don’t allow your boss to rent space in your head when your workday is done.  

This may be the most important advice I can offer, and probably the hardest to do. Make your mental health your utmost priority. If you leave work with that painful inner confusion typical for victims of dark empathy, your boss has won. So don’t take them home with you. Keep them out of your sacred space and refuse to let them intrude. It’s enough that you must guard against them at work. Don’t give them your mental energy once you leave.

Final thoughts

Remember the differences between genuinely compassionate empaths and dark empaths.

A compassionate empath says out loud “How can I help, what can I do?” A dark empath thinks to themselves “How can I win, what can I gain?”

Lastly, I’m not trying to replace professional help by sharing my insight here, quite the contrary.  If you have been victimized by your boss and you think they are a dark empath, then see a professional who can help you find your center again.

We all should learn to identify the dark empath so that we can mitigate the emotional damage they inevitably cause, especially if you work for one.