Why TJs Can't Apologize (Sorry!)

Clinically Reviewed by Steven Melendy, PsyD. on July 02, 2018
Categories: INTJ, ENTJ, ISTJ, ESTJ

I'm British and we're famous for how frequently we say sorry.

If we sneeze, we say sorry. If we stop someone to ask for directions, we say sorry. If you're rushing around like a reckless fool and you crash into us (your fault, not ours), we'll be the one to say sorry. It's like a verbal tic on a national scale.

Remarkably, the British eagerness to apologize for something we haven't done is matched by a reluctance to apologize for what we have done. When guilt comes into the equation, we go on the counterattack or get defensive. If you want to see this in action, check out the Jeremy Kyle show. It's like the British version of Jerry Springer only with way more confrontation and bleeped profanity.

Part of the problem is that we're a nation of Thinker-Judgers (76 percent of the British population are Thinkers and 62 percent are Judgers, according to research by OPP). And if there's one thing TJ's struggle with, it's apologizing. Is it arrogance? Overconfidence? Obstinacy? None of these. The reasons for the chronic non-apologizing excuses of TJs are more complex than you think.

Apologizing is always about emotions

Let's think about the sentence "I'm sorry!" Literally, it means: "This situation causes me suffering. I blame myself and feel shame that my behavior has resulted in these consequences. So, I confess my regret because I caused sorrow, disappointment or hurt for someone; I understand that my actions have caused someone to feel pain. And I hope that it will give him relief if I admit my guilt and assure him that I am sympathetic."

In this respect, "sorry" is never just a word of apology. There's a major difference between expressing regret that a situation exists ("I'm sorry you had to work late last night") and admitting you were wrong ("I'm sorry I said mean things about you behind your back"). The first is a statement of fact, no empathy required. The second is a proper apology. It demands that you address the repercussions of your actions. And this type of apology is always, always about feelings. Specifically, it requires you to understand the nuances of why someone feels upset, what the heck it is you've triggered in them, and what they need from you to heal the hurt. The merit of apologizing to appease all these feelings may seem obvious and automatic to Feeling types, but TJs? We're not known for being that sensitive.

The problem here is that TJs recover easily from their own emotional wounds and assume that this is also the case for others. We live with the constant urge to tell people to grow up and get over themselves. If someone is needing an apology for emotional soothing, there's a pretty good chance that they're not going to get it from a TJ. We're always going to act from the logical viewpoint anyway, which is gasoline on the flames when someone's looking for caring, not outsmarting. Most of us have learned the hard way that it's better to keep your mouth shut and admit nothing than to go down the route of a "feelings" apology.

Truth matters

The truth doesn't just matter to TJs; for some of us, it is everything. If we objectively are wrong, we will admit that we're wrong – and we'll do so gladly. What we will never do, is apologize insincerely. What's the point of an apology if you don't mean a word of it? We are not hypocrites. We don't believe in sugar coating (a.k.a lying) just because you can't handle the cold, hard facts of a situation. We love the truth too much to depreciate it with a lie.

One thing all TJs have in common is that we're very deliberate in our actions. We rarely do things that we don't intend to do, and we certainly don't go out of our way to upset others. What this means is, if someone thinks we need to say sorry, they're going to have to logically explain to us – with good arguments! – what we did wrong. We need this information before we can even weigh up the merits of an apology. And yes, that usually means deciding whether keeping the peace (which we don't especially care about) will benefit us enough to veer from the absolute truth of a situation. Being forced to say sorry when we're not factually wrong is like we're torturing ourselves; it causes real pain.

Mistakes, what mistakes?

This may shock you but basically, TJs are right rather than wrong. We go out of our way to avoid making mistakes and when we do get something wrong, our instinct is to see it as a learning opportunity. If we work our ass off and it doesn't work out, why should we say "sorry?" We did everything we could to make it work; there's no reason to feel guilty if it didn't. TJs have a high tolerance threshold for mistakes because it lets us change course and improve something.

Unless they have done something truly catastrophic, TJs will never apologize for "learning" mistakes. Which, when you think about it, is virtually every mistake you'll ever make. Arrogance feeds our intelligence. We have no problem with admitting to a genuine mistake but this is not apologizing – it's improvement. We can't feel remorse for that.

It's a control thing

If TJ's feel great internal resistance to apologizing, it's because not saying sorry gives them a greater sense of control. The fact is, most apologies exact some toll on the offender. The natural consequence of apologizing is that it transfers power from the transgressor to the person they've transgressed, who can then choose whether accept or reject the apology. This transfer of power depreciates the transgressor's status, expertise or reputation. This is especially damaging for TJs whose value systems turn on such things.

Of course, there's an argument that admitting guilt and showing remorse should enhance the image of the transgressor in the eyes of others because it shows that you're capable of doing the right thing. This may be true. But for TJs, it's a massive trade off between doing what's right (as others expect) and feeding our own need for independence, power and mastery of our subject. By refusing to apologize, we preserve the thing that give us our sense of authenticity and self-worth. Apologies are not cheap when they sacrifice some of our personal values.

We don't dwell, we move forwards

People don't always realize this because it happens in secret, but TJs – especially the intuitive ones – are putting themselves through a self-judging and self-reflecting process all the time. We set very high standards for ourselves and are quick to beat ourselves up if there was something we could have done better. If we look inside and find our actions wanting, then we will inwardly acknowledge our failings.

There's no benefit to verbally speaking of this process, however. By the time we've acknowledged a failing, we've already gone beyond a simple "I'm sorry." We've created the action plan for moving forwards. We can apologize in the most sincere, heart-exposing terms someone likes but it will always feel shallow. Why? Because it's more important to us that we make amends. Surely it's better to make things right than to harbor useless feelings of remorse over something that's already happened?

Jayne Thompson

Jayne is a B2B tech copywriter and the editorial director here at Truity. When she’s not writing to a deadline, she’s geeking out about personality psychology and conspiracy theories. Jayne is a true ambivert, barely an INTJ, and an Enneagram One. She lives with her husband and daughters in the UK. Find Jayne at White Rose Copywriting.

More from this author...
About the Clinical Reviewer

Steven Melendy, PsyD., is a Clinical Psychologist who received his doctorate from The Wright Institute in Berkeley, California. He specializes in using evidence-based approaches in his work with individuals and groups. Steve has worked with diverse populations and in variety of a settings, from community clinics to SF General Hospital. He believes strongly in the importance of self-care, good friendships, and humor whenever possible.


Kim Jacobson says...

As an FP, this is a fascinating read! I really love the way you craft your explanations. It makes it easy for someone like me, with no experience or bearing on these sorts of thought processes, to understand a little more of what goes on in a TJ mind. Thanks for a great article! 

Greg Wochlik (not verified) says...

This article is spot on. I am an INTJ.

About a year ago, I had that "horrendous incident" you speak about. At the time, I was job-hunting. An once-in-a-career opportunity came up, and I got sent for the initial interview. I knocked it out of the park, being invited for the second round on the spot. The issue was that my interviewee needed to take some leave. I waited that period out, then they kept on postponing the second interview. Eventually they cancelled it. Feeling insecure with my current position, waiting longer felt like it was not an option. Since I was going through an agency, I was pretty much forced to give up control of the situation. I reached the assumption that I was priced too expensively. I weighed up the options and went contacted the employer directly with a lower price.

A week later, the agency confronted me. In the appology e-mail (which was genuine), I justified my actions of why I did what I did. I felt that I was pretty much wound up, and simply dropped without feedback. That momentum from being wound up carried me forward, and I assumed certain things. Needless to say, I never got that position.

At the time, I just got interested in the personality typing. So, I was still in my old shell.

Teri Crane (not verified) says...

Know you are not alone, Greg. Went through a very similar interviewing situation regarding contacting an interviewer. I actually spoke directly to the person pleading my case, so to speak. As you, I thought the initial interview went smashingly well. I can still hear her tone of voice when we got off the phone, I knew immediately contacting afterward was a bad idea. I also did not get the job. I can't tell you how many times I relived that telephone conversation in my head. Even more demoralizing, she called to tell me I didn't get the job--in the same tone of voice, I heard previously. Painful learning lesson, indeed. 

Cottagekitty1 (not verified) says...

"Eventually they canceled it." At that point, you had lost the opportunity anyway. I don't see that you did anything wrong. The "interviewee needed to take some leave" so they were not available to do the job that they were hired to do. Hence, you stepped in and tried to do what you could do. You didn't get the position because of your actions, they canceled it anyway. You did nothing wrong. No apology needed. BTW, I'm also an INTJ. I would have done the same. ;-) 

Carol Bornman (not verified) says...

Excellent read for an FP. Thanks for writing it!

Fred Day (not verified) says...

I am an INTJ, and think this article is exactly right. For me, at least. The other point I would make is the importance we place on the truth often causes situations where expressing the truth causes furt feelings of non-TJs. So, to some extent our experiences have conditioned us to accept these situations  as “normal” and generally not indicating a need for an apology. Otherwise, we would be apologizing all the time to non-TJs.

Joseline Aguilar (not verified) says...

wow thanks for this article! Best I’ve read on TJs so far. Weeks ago, i had an incident at my job were I was put down  from my supervisor for “ never accpeting I’m wrong” or not apologizing. I’ve looked and looked for articles that would explain this, and I am soo glad I came across this finally! I want to hear more!

FJK (not verified) says...

As an FJ this neatly sums up why I don't get along with TJs haha

RLS (not verified) says...

I agree. As an FJ I feel like this article made TJs sound kind of, well....jerky. I was thinking the TJs would be insulted but based on comments they are not. This just goes to show the different personality types I guess!

CLB (not verified) says...

I am an ESTJ but very close to an ISTJ and this article is very close if not exactly how I think of apologizing. 

Jara (not verified) says...

As always, this article arrived in my inbox on time to be super relevant. I've been praying about this...

God sends me to audit, encourage, support, and correct "the law-keepers" -  TJ coaches, teachers, managers, cops, lawyers, preachers, etc. I've noticed a pattern: they would literally rather be set on fire for eternity than confess their own sins and apologize - even those who know the penalty of unrepentance. They believe that being given the authority (grace) to know/teach/make/enforce the rules means that they are above the law or reproach. Also, they only believe the truth if they personally experience and validate it with their own physical senses, which is the exact opposite of living by faith that saves us.

Last December, a popular TJ pastor died in sin rather than confess and apologize to me. God gave him 2 years' worth of grace (warnings) through me and confirmed my messages. He experienced delayed ambitions, near-fatal car accidents, needed a kidney from his wife to live because his kidneys failed, etc. Yet he refused to repent and acknowledge that his teachings are sexist and not aligned with God. For example, he refused to teach about marriage as God commanded. After much hardship, he "repented", but refused to admit or teach that his wife is instrumental to his ministry and kept talking over her during their co-teaching on marriage ("I'm the pastor! Nobody wants to hear her!"). I even gave him Scriptures to correct him. Nope!

Finally, God told me to stop warning him about his prideful unrepentance in October 2017. In December, he suddenly died (stroke; loss of oxygen) in his wife's arms...and his TJ wife dutifully fasted and prayed for him to be resurrected...then immediately took over the role of senior pastor of the church...and gave their daughter the opportunity to "correct" his disciples...though he has 2 sons who he trained in ministry. 

(Ironically, his ministry is famous for preaching hardline against women pastors, women Bible teachers, and women with a history of sexual sin.) She also preaches without mercy against this...without any sense of self-awareness of her own hypocrisy. They had their 2 oldest children out of wedlock - including the TJ daughter who mercilessly rebuked and mocked her father's disciples for mourning his death. In the pulpit. 

God recently told me that He assigned me to correct/teach all of these hard-headed TJ boys (in Sunday school) and pastors to persuade me to repent of not appreciating His husband choice for me: a TP man...with evangelistic and pastoral callings. I have! 

"My wife is the most influential person for my ministry..." - Billy Graham

"A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers." - Ruth Bell Graham, wife of Billy Graham

Proverbs 13:10 NLT

Pride leads to conflict; those who take advice are wise.

James 2:1-8‭, ‬12‭-‬13 NLT

My dear brothers and sisters, how can you claim to have faith in our glorious Lord Jesus Christ if you favor some people over others?

Yes indeed, it is good when you obey the royal law as found in the Scriptures: “Love your neighbor as yourself.”  

But if you favor some people over others, you are committing a sin. You are guilty of breaking the law. For the person who keeps all of the laws except one is as guilty as a person who has broken all of God’s laws. For the same God who said, “You must not commit adultery,” also said, “You must not murder.” So if you murder someone but do not commit adultery, you have still broken the law.

So whatever you say or whatever you do, remember that you will be judged by the law that sets you free. There will be no mercy for those who have not shown mercy to others. But if you have been merciful, God will be merciful when He judges you.

1 Samuel 25:1‭-‬44 NLT

Now Samuel died, and all Israel gathered for his funeral. They buried him at his house in Ramah.

Then David moved down to the wilderness of Maon.  There was a wealthy man from Maon who owned property near the town of Carmel. He had 3,000 sheep and 1,000 goats, and it was sheep-shearing time. This man’s name was Nabal, and his wife, Abigail, was a sensible and beautiful woman. But Nabal, a descendant of Caleb, was crude and mean in all his dealings.

When David heard that Nabal was shearing his sheep, he sent ten of his young men to Carmel with this message for Nabal: “Peace and prosperity to you, your family, and everything you own! I am told that it is sheep-shearing time. While your shepherds stayed among us near Carmel, we never harmed them, and nothing was ever stolen from them. Ask your own men, and they will tell you this is true. So would you be kind to us, since we have come at a time of celebration? Please share any provisions you might have on hand with us and with your friend David.”

David’s young men gave this message to Nabal in David’s name, and they waited for a reply.

“Who is this fellow David?” Nabal sneered to the young men. “Who does this son of Jesse think he is? There are lots of servants these days who run away from their masters. Should I take my bread and my water and my meat that I’ve slaughtered for my shearers and give it to a band of outlaws who come from who knows where?” So David’s young men returned and told him what Nabal had said.

“Get your swords!” was David’s reply as he strapped on his own. Then 400 men started off with David, and 200 remained behind to guard their equipment.

Meanwhile, one of Nabal’s servants went to Abigail and told her, “David sent messengers from the wilderness to greet our master, but he screamed insults at them. These men have been very good to us, and we never suffered any harm from them. Nothing was stolen from us the whole time they were with us. In fact, day and night they were like a wall of protection to us and the sheep. You need to know this and figure out what to do, for there is going to be trouble for our master and his whole family. He’s so ill-tempered that no one can even talk to him!”

Abigail wasted no time. She quickly gathered 200 loaves of bread, two wineskins full of wine, five sheep that had been slaughtered, nearly a bushel of roasted grain, 100 clusters of raisins, and 200 fig cakes. She packed them on donkeys and said to her servants, “Go on ahead. I will follow you shortly.”

But she didn’t tell her husband Nabal what she was doing. As she was riding her donkey into a mountain ravine, she saw David and his men coming toward her. David had just been saying, “A lot of good it did to help this fellow. We protected his flocks in the wilderness, and nothing he owned was lost or stolen. But he has repaid me evil for good. May God strike me and kill me if even one man of his household is still alive tomorrow morning!”

When Abigail saw David, she quickly got off her donkey and bowed low before him. She fell at his feet and said, “I accept all blame in this matter, my Lord. Please listen to what I have to say. I know Nabal is a wicked and ill-tempered man; please don’t pay any attention to him. He is a fool, just as his name suggests. But I never even saw the young men you sent.

“Now, my Lord, as surely as the Lord lives and you yourself live, since the Lord has kept you from murdering and taking vengeance into your own hands, let all your enemies and those who try to harm you be as cursed as Nabal is. And here is a present that I, your servant, have brought to you and your young men. Please forgive me if I have offended you in any way. The Lord will surely reward you with a lasting dynasty, for you are fighting the Lord’s battles. And you have not done wrong throughout your entire life. “Even when you are chased by those who seek to kill you, your life is safe in the care of the Lord your God, secure in his treasure pouch! But the lives of your enemies will disappear like stones shot from a sling! When the Lord has done all he promised and has made you leader of Israel, don’t let this be a blemish on your record. Then your conscience won’t have to bear the staggering burden of needless bloodshed and vengeance. And when the Lord has done these great things for you, please remember me, your servant!”

David replied to Abigail, “Praise the Lord, the God of Israel, who has sent you to meet me today! Thank God for your good sense! Bless you for keeping me from murder and from carrying out vengeance with my own hands. For I swear by the Lord, the God of Israel, who has kept me from hurting you, that if you had not hurried out to meet me, not one of Nabal’s men would still be alive tomorrow morning.”

Then David accepted her present and told her, “Return home in peace. I have heard what you said. We will not kill your husband.”

When Abigail arrived home, she found that Nabal was throwing a big party and was celebrating like a king. He was very drunk, so she didn’t tell him anything about her meeting with David until dawn the next day. In the morning when Nabal was sober, his wife told him what had happened. As a result he had a stroke, and he lay paralyzed on his bed like a stone.

About ten days later, the Lord struck him, and he died.

When David heard that Nabal was dead, he said, “Praise the Lord, who has avenged the insult I received from Nabal and has kept me from doing it myself. Nabal has received the punishment for his sin.”

Then David sent messengers to Abigail to ask her to become his wife. When the messengers arrived at Carmel, they told Abigail, “David has sent us to take you back to marry him.”

She bowed low to the ground and responded, “I, your servant, would be happy to marry David. I would even be willing to become a slave, washing the feet of his servants!”

Quickly getting ready, she took along five of her servant girls as attendants, mounted her donkey, and went with David’s messengers. And so she became his wife. David also married Ahinoam from Jezreel, making both of them his wives. Saul, meanwhile, had given his daughter Michal, David’s wife, to a man from Gallim named Palti son of Laish.

Joel 2:12‭-‬14‭, ‬17‭, ‬28‭-‬32 NLT

That is why the Lord says, “Turn to me now, while there is time. Give me your hearts. Come with fasting, weeping, and mourning. Don’t tear your clothing in your grief, but tear your hearts instead.”

Return to the Lord your God, for He is merciful and compassionate, slow to get angry and filled with unfailing love. He is eager to relent and not punish. Who knows? Perhaps He will give you a reprieve, sending you a blessing instead of this curse. Perhaps you will be able to offer grain and wine to the Lord your God as before. Let the priests, who minister in the Lord’s presence, stand and weep between the entry room to the Temple and the altar. Let them pray, “Spare your people, Lord! Don’t let your special possession become an object of mockery. Don’t let them become a joke for unbelieving foreigners who say, ‘Has the God of Israel left them?’”

“Then, after doing all those things, I will pour out my Spirit upon all people. Your sons and daughters will prophesy. Your old men will dream dreams, and your young men will see visions. In those days I will pour out my Spirit even on servants—men and women alike. And I will cause wonders in the heavens and on the earth— blood and fire and columns of smoke. The sun will become dark, and the moon will turn blood red before that great and terrible day of the Lord arrives. But everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved, for some on Mount Zion in Jerusalem will escape, just as the Lord has said. These will be among the survivors whom the Lord has called."

Matthew 23:1‭-‬4 NLT

Then Jesus said to the crowds and to His disciples, “The teachers of religious law and the Pharisees are the official interpreters of the law of Moses.  So practice and obey whatever they tell you, but don’t follow their example. For they don’t practice what they teach.  They crush people with unbearable religious demands and never lift a finger to ease the burden."

JESUS: “Do not judge others, and you will not be judged.  For you will be treated as you treat others. The standard you use in judging is the standard by which you will be judged.

“And why worry about a speck in your friend’s eye when you have a log in your own?  How can you think of saying to your friend, ‘Let me help you get rid of that speck in your eye,’ when you can’t see past the log in your own eye?  Hypocrite! First get rid of the log in your own eye; then you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your friend’s eye.

“Don’t waste what is holy on people who are unholy. Don’t throw your pearls to pigs! They will trample the pearls, then turn and attack you."

(Matthew 7:1‭-‬6 NLT)

John 8:1‭-‬11 NLT

Jesus returned to the Mount of Olives, but early the next morning He was back again at the Temple. A crowd soon gathered, and He sat down and taught them. As He was speaking, the teachers of religious law and the Pharisees brought a woman who had been caught in the act of adultery. They put her in front of the crowd.

“Teacher,” they said to Jesus, “this woman was caught in the act of adultery. The law of Moses says to stone her. What do you say?”

They were trying to trap Him into saying something they could use against Him, but Jesus stooped down and wrote in the dust with His finger. They kept demanding an answer, so He stood up again and said, “All right, but let the one who has never sinned throw the first stone!”  

Then he stooped down again and wrote in the dust. When the accusers heard this, they slipped away one by one, beginning with the oldest, until only Jesus was left in the middle of the crowd with the woman.

Then Jesus stood up again and said to the woman, “Where are your accusers? Didn’t even one of them condemn you?”

“No, Lord,” she said.

And Jesus said, “Neither do I. Go and sin no more.”

Luke 23:50‭-‬56 NLT

Now there was a good and righteous man named Joseph. He was a member of the Jewish high council, but he had not agreed with the decision and actions of the other religious leaders. He was from the town of Arimathea in Judea, and he was waiting for the Kingdom of God to come.

He went to Pilate and asked for Jesus’ body. Then he took the body down from the cross and wrapped it in a long sheet of linen cloth and laid it in a new tomb that had been carved out of rock. This was done late on Friday afternoon, the day of preparation, as the Sabbath was about to begin.

As His body was taken away, the women from Galilee followed and saw the tomb where His body was placed. Then they went home and prepared spices and ointments to anoint His body. But by the time they were finished the Sabbath had begun, so they rested as required by the law.

Luke 24:1‭-‬12 NLT

But very early on Sunday morning the women went to the tomb, taking the spices they had prepared. They found that the stone had been rolled away from the entrance. So they went in, but they didn’t find the body of the Lord Jesus.

As they stood there puzzled, two men suddenly appeared to them, clothed in dazzling robes. The women were terrified and bowed with their faces to the ground. Then the men asked, “Why are you looking among the dead for someone who is alive? He isn’t here! He is risen from the dead! Remember what he told you back in Galilee, that the Son of Man must be betrayed into the hands of sinful men and be crucified, and that he would rise again on the third day.”

Then they remembered that he had said this. So they rushed back from the tomb to tell his eleven disciples—and everyone else—what had happened. It was Mary Magdalene, Joanna, Mary the mother of James, and several other women who told the apostles what had happened. But the story sounded like nonsense to the men, so they didn’t believe it.

However, Peter jumped up and ran to the tomb to look. Stooping, he peered in and saw the empty linen wrappings; then he went home again, wondering what had happened.

John 20:1‭-‬31 NLT

Early on Sunday morning, while it was still dark, Mary Magdalene came to the tomb and found that the stone had been rolled away from the entrance. She ran and found Simon Peter and the other disciple, the one whom Jesus loved. She said, “They have taken the Lord’s body out of the tomb, and we don’t know where they have put him!”

Peter and the other disciple started out for the tomb. They were both running, but the other disciple outran Peter and reached the tomb first. He stooped and looked in and saw the linen wrappings lying there, but he didn’t go in. Then Simon Peter arrived and went inside. He also noticed the linen wrappings lying there, while the cloth that had covered Jesus’ head was folded up and lying apart from the other wrappings. Then the disciple who had reached the tomb first also went in, and he saw and believed— for until then they still hadn’t understood the Scriptures that said Jesus must rise from the dead. Then they went home.

Mary was standing outside the tomb crying, and as she wept, she stooped and looked in. She saw two white-robed angels, one sitting at the head and the other at the foot of the place where the body of Jesus had been lying.

“Dear woman, why are you crying?” the angels asked her. “Because they have taken away my Lord,” she replied, “and I don’t know where they have put Him.” She turned to leave and saw someone standing there. It was Jesus, but she didn’t recognize Him.

“Dear woman, why are you crying?” Jesus asked her. “Who are you looking for?” She thought he was the gardener. “Sir,” she said, “if you have taken him away, tell me where you have put him, and I will go and get him.”

“Mary!” Jesus said. She turned to him and cried out, “Rabboni!” (which is Hebrew for “Teacher”).

“Don’t cling to me,” Jesus said, “for I haven’t yet ascended to the Father. But go find my brothers and tell them, ‘I am ascending to my Father and your Father, to my God and your God.’”

Mary Magdalene found the disciples and told them, “I have seen the Lord!”

Then she gave them His message. That Sunday evening the disciples were meeting behind locked doors because they were afraid of the Jewish leaders.

Suddenly, Jesus was standing there among them!

“Peace be with you,” He said.

As He spoke, He showed them the wounds in His hands and His side. They were filled with joy when they saw the Lord!

Again, He said, “Peace be with you. As the Father has sent me, so I am sending you.”  

Then He breathed on them and said, “Receive the Holy Spirit.  If you forgive anyone’s sins, they are forgiven. If you do not forgive them, they are not forgiven.”

One of the twelve disciples, Thomas (nicknamed the Twin), was not with the others when Jesus came. They told him, “We have seen the Lord!”

But he replied, “I won’t believe it unless I see the nail wounds in his hands, put my fingers into them, and place my hand into the wound in His side.”

Eight days later the disciples were together again, and this time Thomas was with them. The doors were locked; but suddenly, as before, Jesus was standing among them.

“Peace be with you,” He said. Then He said to Thomas, “Put your finger here, and look at my hands. Put your hand into the wound in my side. Don’t be faithless any longer. Believe!”

“My Lord and my God!” Thomas exclaimed. Then Jesus told him, “You believe because you have seen me. Blessed are those who believe without seeing me.”

The disciples saw Jesus do many other miraculous signs in addition to the ones recorded in this book. But these are written so that you may continue to believe that Jesus is the Messiah, the Son of God, and that by believing in Him you will have life by the power of His name.

2 Timothy 3:16‭-‬17 NLT

All Scripture is inspired by God and is useful to teach us what is true and to make us realize what is wrong in our lives. It corrects us when we are wrong and teaches us to do what is right. God uses it to prepare and equip His people to do every good work.

Patricia Holtom (not verified) says...

Could you tell me please which website sent you this article. I found it to be very good.

Jara (not verified) says...

I received this from God's inbox! I pray for whatever I need and God sends it straight to me.  I wanted more insight about why TJ people allow themselves to be used to discourage, distract, etc. God's people. This article helps me complete my assignments with them and receive my promised blessings! ?

Jeremiah 29:11‭-‬13 NLT

"For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord.  “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me." 

Jara (not verified) says...

I literally asked God why a certain TJ pastor WHO KNOWS GOD'S LAW is running the church into the ground (and his family into debt) rather than apologize to those who he has sinned against...who are walking out in protest with God's money. God immediately sent this article in response. ?

So God "inspires" people to "out" their "personalities" in blogs, articles, podcasts, etc., which gives people like me more insight that solves our "people-problems" with people just like them.

As an "FP",  I surely can't understand how a person would keep refusing to apologize for their offenses when that's the ONLY RIGHT SOLUTION. Feelings have nothing to do with it. Many TJs flunk life tests (e.g., courtroom battles) because of this.  They do not understand that they're not the Ultimate Judge. ? 

God constantly uses Truity to explain people's "crazy" to me. It is the gift from God that keeps on giving... ?

Proverbs 29:26 NLT

Many seek the ruler’s favor, but justice comes from the Lord .

JESUS: "And when you pray, do not keep on babbling like pagans, for they think they will be heard because of their many words.  Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask him.  

“This, then, is how you should pray:  “ ‘Our Father in heaven,  hallowed be your name,  your kingdom come,  your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Give us today our daily bread.  And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors.   And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one.’  

For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.  But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins." (Matthew 6:7‭-‬15 NIV) 

Proverbs 13:10 NLT

Pride leads to conflict; those who take advice are wise.

Proverbs 28:26 NLT

Those who trust their own insight are foolish, but anyone who walks in wisdom is safe.

James 1:5‭-‬8 NLT

If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking. But when you ask him, be sure that your faith is in God alone. Do not waver, for a person with divided loyalty is as unsettled as a wave of the sea that is blown and tossed by the wind. Such people should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Their loyalty is divided between God and the world, and they are unstable in everything they do.


Proverbs 2:1‭-‬15 NLT


My child, listen to what I say, and treasure my commands. Tune your ears to wisdom, and concentrate on understanding. Cry out for insight, and ask for understanding. Search for them as you would for silver; seek them like hidden treasures. 


Then you will understand what it means to fear the Lord, and you will gain knowledge of God. For the Lord grants wisdom! From his mouth come knowledge and understanding. He grants a treasure of common sense to the honest. He is a shield to those who walk with integrity. He guards the paths of the just and protects those who are faithful to him. Then you will understand what is right, just, and fair, and you will find the right way to go. 


For wisdom will enter your heart, and knowledge will fill you with joy. Wise choices will watch over you. Understanding will keep you safe. 


Wisdom will save you from evil people, from those whose words are twisted. These men turn from the right way to walk down dark paths. They take pleasure in doing wrong, and they enjoy the twisted ways of evil. Their actions are crooked, and their ways are wrong.


GOD: "But the king of Assyria will not understand that he is my tool; his mind does not work that way. His plan is simply to destroy, to cut down nation after nation." (Isaiah 10:7 NLT) 

1 Corinthians 1:18‭-‬21 NLT

The message of the cross is foolish to those who are headed for destruction! But we who are being saved know it is the very power of God. As the Scriptures say, “I will destroy the wisdom of the wise and discard the intelligence of the intelligent.” 


So where does this leave the philosophers, the scholars, and the world’s brilliant debaters? God has made the wisdom of this world look foolish. Since God in his wisdom saw to it that the world would never know him through human wisdom, he has used our foolish preaching to save those who believe.


2 Corinthians 4:3‭-‬4 NLT

If the Good News we preach is hidden behind a veil, it is hidden only from people who are perishing. Satan, who is the god of this world, has blinded the minds of those who don’t believe. They are unable to see the glorious light of the Good News. They don’t understand this message about the glory of Christ, who is the exact likeness of God.


Ephesians 6:10‭-‬18 NLT


A final word: Be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on all of God’s armor so that you will be able to stand firm against all strategies of the devil. For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places. 


Therefore, put on every piece of God’s armor so you will be able to resist the enemy in the time of evil. Then after the battle you will still be standing firm. Stand your ground, putting on the belt of truth and the body armor of God’s righteousness. For shoes, put on the peace that comes from the Good News so that you will be fully prepared.  In addition to all of these, hold up the shield of faith to stop the fiery arrows of the devil.  


Put on salvation as your helmet, and take the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. 


Pray in the Spirit at all times and on every occasion. Stay alert and be persistent in your prayers for all believers everywhere.

Ken Mak (not verified) says...

Agree -- Some TJs should stop thinking that they are the ultimate judge.  It is their air of superiority that will ruin them ultimately.

ENFP_SPO (not verified) says...


Jara (not verified) says...

Thank you, ENFP_SPO! God bless you!

Psalms 138:3 NLT

As soon as I pray, you answer me; you encourage me by giving me strength.

Romans 12:8 NLT

If your gift is to encourage others, be encouraging. If it is giving, give generously. If God has given you leadership ability, take the responsibility seriously. And if you have a gift for showing kindness to others, do it gladly.

1 Corinthians 14:1‭-‬4 NLT

Let love be your highest goal! But you should also desire the special abilities the Spirit gives—especially the ability to prophesy. For if you have the ability to speak in tongues, you will be talking only to God, since people won’t be able to understand you. You will be speaking by the power of the Spirit, but it will all be mysterious. But one who prophesies strengthens others, encourages them, and comforts them. A person who speaks in tongues is strengthened personally, but one who speaks a word of prophecy strengthens the entire church.

Jara (not verified) says...

ENFP_SPO, you already know this but ENFP is "God's Motivator" (counterweight to negative ISTJ's doubt and discouragement!): https://sites.google.com/site/godlypersonalities/spiritual-type-summarie...

Jara (not verified) says...

Correction: The ISTJ pastor's wife is an FJ, not TJ. He was constantly demeaning her (and extrapolating that to all women) for making decisions based on emotions and for relational reasons. It was a constant battle of the sexes in the pulpit because of their T-F battles at home. He died never admitting that the F part of the MBTI scale is valuable to his ministry or to humanity in general. Arrogance. 

Btw, as I tried to find a parking space to celebrate America's birthday with a group of strangers, I crashed into a woman's car. She kept ranting at me even though I calmly agreed with her that I'm at fault AND agreed with her calling the cops. Instead of calling the cops, she called her mom, insulted my driving, hit and insulted my car, claimed that I ruined her day/life/new car, etc. and wouldn't shut up about it. She's definitely an American TJ...

The TJ host of the event didn't include specific directions for where to meet them. When I got tired of the self-righteous TJ woman (who must've never made a mistake in her life the way she was carrying on) and left, the Christian male TJ host sent me a message APOLOGIZING for not including more specific instructions without me having to bring it up. I prayed about it on the way home. My birthday is tomorrow.  This article providing insight into the prideful, self-righteous TJ mindset and the TJ host's apology are early birthday gifts from God to me! HALLELUJAH!!!

One of the reasons why I didn't want to get married is because of exposure to so many prideful TJ men who refuse to apologize, confess their sins, and repent. But now I thank God that His choice for me is NOT a TJ man. 

Genesis 1:27 NLT

So God created human beings in His own image. In the image of God He created them; male AND female He created them.

James 5:16 NLT

Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results.

Sændugan (not verified) says...

This is way too long, cut out most of the scripture quotations next time you write a comment, also, I got very lost in the middle of the anecdote, and so I've no idea what you're point was. Thanks for believing in God, without people like you I would have one hell of a time finding people to mock 

Jara (not verified) says...

Thanks for your comment. A perfectly personalized birthday gift from my Father in Heaven to me!

Psalms 1:1‭-‬6 NLT

Oh, the joys of those who do not follow the advice of the wicked, or stand around with sinners, or join in with mockers. But they delight in the law of the Lord, meditating on it day and night. They are like trees planted along the riverbank, bearing fruit each season. Their leaves never wither, and they prosper in all they do. But not the wicked! They are like worthless chaff, scattered by the wind. They will be condemned at the time of judgment. Sinners will have no place among the godly. For the Lord watches over the path of the godly, but the path of the wicked leads to destruction.


Psalms 119:1‭-‬2‭, ‬41‭-‬43 NLT

Joyful are people of integrity, who follow the instructions of the Lord. Joyful are those who obey His laws and search for Him with all their hearts. Lord , give me your unfailing love, the salvation that you promised me. Then I can answer those who taunt me, for I trust in your word. Do not snatch your word of truth from me, for your regulations are my only hope.

“My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,” says the Lord. “And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine. For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so my ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.

“The rain and snow come down from the heavens and stay on the ground to water the earth. They cause the grain to grow, producing seed for the farmer and bread for the hungry. It is the same with my word. I send it out, and it always produces fruit. It will accomplish all I want it to, and it will prosper everywhere I send it." (Isaiah 55:8‭-‬11 NLT)

Romans 12:6 NLT


In His grace, God has given us different gifts for doing certain things well. So if God has given you the ability to prophesy, speak out with as much faith as God has given you.


James 1:2‭-‬4‭, ‬12‭, ‬17‭-‬18 NLT


Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles of any kind come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing. 


God blesses those who patiently endure testing and temptation. Afterward they will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him. 


Whatever is good and perfect is a gift coming down to us from God our Father, who created all the lights in the heavens. He never changes or casts a shifting shadow.  He chose to give birth to us by giving us his true word. And we, out of all creation, became his prized possession.


JESUS: "God blesses those who are poor and realize their need for him, for the Kingdom of Heaven is theirs. God blesses those who mourn, for they will be comforted. God blesses those who are humble, for they will inherit the whole earth. God blesses those who hunger and thirst for justice, for they will be satisfied. God blesses those who are merciful, for they will be shown mercy. God blesses those whose hearts are pure, for they will see God. God blesses those who work for peace, for they will be called the children of God. God blesses those who are persecuted for doing right, for the Kingdom of Heaven is theirs. 


“God blesses you when people mock you and persecute you and lie about you and say all sorts of evil things against you because you are my followers.  Be happy about it! Be very glad! For a great reward awaits you in heaven. And remember, the ancient prophets were persecuted in the same way. 


“You are the salt of the earth. But what good is salt if it has lost its flavor? Can you make it salty again? It will be thrown out and trampled underfoot as worthless. 


“You are the light of the world—like a city on a hilltop that cannot be hidden.  No one lights a lamp and then puts it under a basket. Instead, a lamp is placed on a stand, where it gives light to everyone in the house.  In the same way, let your good deeds shine out for all to see, so that everyone will praise your heavenly Father." (Matthew 5:3‭-‬16 NLT)


Sændugan (not verified) says...

I'm impressed, I don't know why you know all these quotes, but you do, and that's commendable in my book. I don't believe for a second that todays your birthday, its just to much of a conicidence, but if it actually is, happy birthday

Jara (not verified) says...

You don't believe the truth? What a surprise! You're definitely a TJ. Thanks for the birthday wishes despite your cynicism. It started with a nasty comment from you but ended well with blessings from people who love God. 

Romans 8:28‭-‬30 NLT

And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them. For God knew his people in advance, and he chose them to become like his Son, so that his Son would be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. And having chosen them, he called them to come to him. And having called them, he gave them right standing with himself. And having given them right standing, he gave them his glory.

Sændugan (not verified) says...

I hope the devil uses your backbone as a ladder to pick appels in the gardens of hell

Cottagekitty1 (not verified) says...

Please take your scripture elsewhere. This is about INTJs, not the bible. Religious indoctrination is irrelevant here. 

Jara (not verified) says...

This article is about TJ's prideful refusal to confess, apologize, and repent via rationalization and rejection of conviction and guilt. My comment is very relevant. Your comment illustrates that my comments (including the Scriptures!) are very relevant. Again, not even TJ pastors who know the consequences of unrepentance apologize, so the average TJ definitely won't do it, either. Thanks for the live demonstration!

1 John 1:8‭-‬10 NLT

If we claim we have no sin, we are only fooling ourselves and not living in the truth. But if we confess our sins to Him, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all wickedness. If we claim we have not sinned, we are calling God a liar and showing that His word has no place in our hearts.

Cottagekitty1 (not verified) says...

It's not about "pride" or the bible. It's not about an emotion. It just a fact that was miscalculated. Nothing more. Your petty insults are funny, but your mental illness is showing. 

Jara (not verified) says...

If you say so. ?

Proverbs 13:10 NLT

Pride leads to conflict; those who take advice are wise.

Jara (not verified) says...

A TJ calling the truth of how to receive forgiveness for guilt "religious indoctrination". ??? Here are some more "irrelevant" Scriptures illustrating how TJs would rather keep adding to their offenses than apologize.

Acts of the Apostles 26:24‭-‬29 NLT

Suddenly, Festus shouted, “Paul, you are insane. Too much study has made you crazy!” 

But Paul replied, “I am not insane, Most Excellent Festus. What I am saying is the sober truth. And King Agrippa knows about these things. I speak boldly, for I am sure these events are all familiar to him, for they were not done in a corner! King Agrippa, do you believe the prophets? I know you do—” 

Agrippa interrupted him. “Do you think you can persuade me to become a Christian so quickly?” 

Paul replied, “Whether quickly or not, I pray to God that both you and everyone here in this audience might become the same as I am, except for these chains.”

Apostle Paul: "If it seems we are crazy, it is to bring glory to God. And if we are in our right minds, it is for your benefit." (2 Corinthians 5:13 NLT) 

Cottagekitty1 (not verified) says...

LOL This is getting ridiculous. You know, my grandfather once said trying to put a silk tie on a pig will just frustrate you and annoy the pig. So, ok Ned Flanders, I'm taking my tie and going home. *Pats on top of head* Have a good night  

Jara (not verified) says...

It was ridiculous as soon as you tried to argue with the truth...but then you insisted on illustrating that the truth always wins. Thanks! The money life application question is: How many relationships have you destroyed (e.g. divorces, friendships, partnerships, etc.) because of your prideful refusal to acknowledge your wrongness and apologize? ?

Proverbs 18:2 NLT

Fools have no interest in understanding; they only want to air their own opinions.

Proverbs 26:3 NLT

Guide a horse with a whip, a donkey with a bridle, and a fool with a rod to his back!

Proverbs 26:5 NLT

Be sure to answer the foolish arguments of fools, or they will become wise in their own estimation.

Proverbs 17:10 NLT

A single rebuke does more for a person of understanding than a hundred lashes on the back of a fool.

Jara (not verified) says...

This live demonstration of the foolishness of TJ pride has been very informative and helpful. Have a good day! ??

Proverbs 11:2 NLT

Pride leads to disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom.

Jara (not verified) says...

Wait a minute, Cottage Kitty. You follow the nonsensical homespun advice of your grandpappy (who would try to put a silk tie on a pig?! ?), but you want me to leave the objective truth of Scriptures out of this? Your mindset totally makes sense to me now (prayer and a nap adds understanding!). Truity is truly the gift that keeps on giving! Here are some more "IRRELEVANT" farm ?wisdom (Piggy Proverbs) for you that hopefully you can understand...

Proverbs 11:22 MSG

Like a gold ring in a pig’s snout is a beautiful face on an empty head.

2 Peter 2:20‭-‬22 NLT

And when people escape from the wickedness of the world by knowing our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and then get tangled up and enslaved by sin again, they are worse off than before. It would be better if they had never known the way to righteousness than to know it and then reject the command they were given to live a holy life. 

They prove the truth of this proverb: “A dog returns to its vomit.” And another says, “A washed pig returns to the mud.”

2 Timothy 4:3‭-‬4 NLT

For a time is coming when people will no longer listen to sound and wholesome teaching. They will follow their own desires and will look for teachers who will tell them whatever their itching ears want to hear. They will reject the truth and chase after myths.

Dawn Powell (not verified) says...

Great article. As I was reading it, I couldn't help but think of the perfect example of a TJ in a television character: Jimmy, the British writer from "You're the Worst"?

Max Pierson (not verified) says...

My INTJ GF got very incensed about me asking questions about what she was doing. We share the space, I felt like it was just ordinary conversation but she took it as myself questioning her entire character. I explained that I'm not questioning her judgement or her entire character, I just wanted to know what she was doing so I could work WITH her or find a better way even, and she seemingly got it... That could have been a very big ongoing problem but the simple understanding of her type on my part got us past it. I'm so thankful for the teachers we have nowadays that can explain the differing personalities!

Ken Mak (not verified) says...

Thanks for sharing!  It looks like TJs are not as rational as they are said to be.

R*bert (not verified) says...

As an ENTP this rings pretty true for me as well...except for the part about not caring about keeping the peace. I love the peace.

I hate clinging to the lifeboat while I'm being tossed about the stormy seas of the Feelings Ocean.  Nothing makes sense there. You can paddle the boat with either a feather or shark ...just becuse you feel like that's the answer.

I thnk much of this is the contrast between T & F 

I think about what I do and follow priciples in my behavior. I don't just act out and then profusely apologize for it later. And for those that do it is an offense to not join them in this oft-repeated ritual.   Its like not doing cocaine with someone. They think you are acting superior.

People who operate on feelings trust their feelings and distrust their thoughts. Vice versa for thinkers.

If you offend a feeler they may scream at you. A thinker tends to think first about what will be gained/lost in the screaming first and then choose.

What is perplexing to me is why feelers are more prone than thinkers to distrust what they originally trusted. Thinkers and feelers both make a call based on what they trusted most at the time.

Thinkers don't typically go back and say "It was inappropriate for me to trust my thinking, I'm sorry." But feelers do. They frequently say they knew something was wrong but they just couldn't control thir feelings.  Maybe the thinker version of this is when you apologize for caring more about the truth than the other person's feelings.

Feelers definitly have thier own superpowers. Please don't invite me to an NT dance party. 

Marissa (not verified) says...

I was thinking about this in a slightly different context the other day. I'm an INTJ and I was talking to a friend about some trouble she was having . Usually in these situations I look in my life for a similar experience and share what I went through and how I dealt with it. I realized, too late, that this was not what my friend was looking for and instead of apologizing I internalized it. I realize that I can be sympathetic because I can logically figure out how a situation might be upsetting to a person. My response is then to provide advice or guidance rather than letting them wallow in their feelings. Most people expect you to be empathetic though. They expect you to feel what they feel and wallow with them. So I didn't apologize to my friend, I just sent her a message letting her know I was thinking of her a hoped she was feeling better. 

Anna 7030 (not verified) says...

I was about to reply that this was a bunch of baloney then I went through the post and had to admit there was some truth in it. My first reaction was due to the fact that these past couple years, I somewhat easily apologize and genuinely ask for forgiveness. My change of stance is motivated by a desire to live by my religious beliefs. I still have some trouble apologizing to some narcissistic people in my life for snapping at them and giving them a tongue lashing. In these situations, it's a power struggle which is at play and I don't want to open the door to another round of manipulation. Some might ask why would I bother thibkith about apologizing in such situations? It's just about the delivery of "my" truth. As it is basically stated in the post, TJs aren't in the business of giving shallow and insincere apologies. So if I snap at you and finally tell you a few home truths, be assured that it's what I really think of you and I will never apologize for the spirit of my words. However, I think that sometimes, I must apologize for the letter since I deliberately chose those hurtful words to convey my feelings. In the past, I used to tell people:"I'm not gonna apologize for what I said because I thought every word of it but I am truly sorry for my delivery." Well, I can assure you that to people, that wasn't an apology because they expect you to retract the whole inflammatory statement and tell them that it was just anger, you didn't think any of it. Nope, won't do it! So, for the time being, there are people who I should apologize to that I still won't.

Gene (ENFP) (not verified) says...

Leave it to an NTJ to come up with an intelligent, persuasive argument - even when she's wrong, and contridicts herself - to excuse somewhat bad behavior. At the very least, it's indefensible to take the position that apologizing is unnecessary. At most, it's downright rude, and ultimately inefficient. Subordinates quit, requiring a hiring and training process for new people to replace them. Lather, rinse, repeat. People aren't unfeeling robots, and even TJs benefit from a sincere "apology"when appropriate, or an "atta boy/girl" for a job well done. 

No one expects or deserves an apology from someone who hasn't committed a wrong. But, say, sending a subordinate at work on a wild goose chase, only to change one's mind later, has caused extra and unnecessary work for that subordinate. Might not an apolgy be appropriate? TJs like truth; well, here's a truth - most people aren't TJs, and those who aren't not only value a sincere sentiment, but they also think the ability to say one is sorry, or to temporarily give another the upper hand - if deserved - is a strength, not a weakness. As an ENFP, my ability to "grease the wheels" has been invaluable in smoothing prickly situations that might otherwise have been blown out of proportion. 

About that contridiction: Jayne said, " And if there's one thing TJ's struggle with, it's apologizing. Is it arrogance? Overconfidence? Obstinacy? None of these." And then she said, "Arrogance feeds our intelligence." So, which is it? I'll proffer my two cents: it's arrogance...and weakness. Yes, TJs are concerned with preserving their authenticity and their self-worth. So are some other types, and I'll guarantee you that some of them will feel wronged if they're right, and they know they're right, and the TJ is wrong, and the latter just isn't secure enough to admit it. It also make the TJ look weak. (Are you listening, Jayne? That's the last thing an NTJ wants to appear.)

I have a good friend whom I think highly of. She's also British (I'm not), and an ENTJ. The list of her skills and attributes is long, and she's a tireless worker who settles for nothing less than perfection from herself. Alas, her apparent lack of feeling in dealing with her subordinates has cost her, professionally speaking, and she was moved from one position to another, where she's now over fewer people. She's crisp, blunt and perfunctory - all adjectives describing someone who is highly efficient, which would please her. Unfortunately, those who have worked for or with her see her in far less glowing terms. I know; they've told me. Fortunately, I don't work for her. The friendship likely wouldn't survive it. 

To Jayne: Thanks for a thought-provoking opinion. TJs, particularly NTJs, are people who have much to offer. They do the hard stuff easily. It's the easy stuff that they stumble over. And the easy stuff is not that hard, and it's more essential than one might think. Try it. Think of it as a learning opportunity, and a way of improving yourself. 

Lyndsey (ENFP) (not verified) says...

I was grateful for this article, for further insight, as I live with one, but Gene, I see you. I don't get it. I don't feel truth is a desire here, as real truth is not contradictory, but altruistic. The items/priorities listed throughout, are all impermanent, and ego/earth driven, and "I'm sorry" doesn't mean that to me. It means simply, "I understand how my contributions in this situation may have affected you, and I intend to alter my response under future similar circumstances". It's an opportunity to push light into a life's wound and bring us closer to something higher. I'm grateful for her translation, I'm sure that considering her perceptions there was a level of vulnerability that was probably difficult for her to reach.

But Gene, I feel you. 

Thought processes, not circumspect. And rarely, rarely, more right than wrong. 

Brandon Kim (not verified) says...

Great feedback, much appreciated :)

Ken Devine (not verified) says...

Thank you for this -- it explains a lot about arguments I have with my wife!

B. Kelly (not verified) says...

Loved your article - its spot on!  I am an ENFJ Pastor and Opera Student.  I am surrounded by thinkers, some TJ and some TP’s. Here is a sample: my Dad (INTP), Father-In-Law and Boss (ENTJ), my Wife (ISTJ), Brother-In-Law (ISTP), his wife (ISTJ), his oldest son (INTJ), his younger son (ISTP), my sister-in-law (ISTJ), and my sister (INTJ). I have tested them all over the years on the MBTI for various and sundry reasons.  As the rare, deeply feeling man in a family full of over-thinkers and as a pastoral counselor, I have learned a few things about TJ and TP’s. 

Here is my advice for the Feelers among us - if your work or family is overflowing with TJ and TP’s find a creative outlet that you can do with feeling friends - mine is classical music and opera. It gives you creative, artsy, deeply feeling people to hang out with and befriend to balance off the TJ and TP’s you will encounter in abundance at work and in life.  Music with groups is my retreat from the Thinker culture in my family and at work.

Here is my advice for the TJ’s and TP’s among us - own your crap!  It’s great that you are a factual analyzer but you need to add this big picture element to your thinking and tendency to over-think: there are intended and unintended consequences to each and every choice, decision and action you make in life.  You suck at anticipating the unintended, human, feeling consequences to your over-thought, decisions and actions - that is a fact that you all seem to ignore!  When you stomp over feelings of feeling people in your insatiable drive to complete tasks and get efficiently and effectively from point A to point B to complete a task–you need to own you crap when you hurt others whether it was calculatingly intentional or a miscalculation and unintentional.  

All you have to do to bring peace to a situation with a feeling person is the following.  Talk to the feeling person privately and sincerely say (because you mean it and believe it’s true): I am sorry that I hurt you, I was wrong, please forgive me.  This absolutely will make your feeling person be instantly set to right, they will respect you infinitesimally and will walk through fire for you if you ask them once things are set to right.  We feelers are actually very simple creatures to make things right with in a work or personal relationship.  If you don’t do this, we will agonize over the breach in the relationship. FJ’s will eventually cut you off, burn the bridge, and move on.  FP’s will go passive aggressive and seek to get you back as they are very manipulative at their worst when they are hurt.

These are just some things I have learned over the years in my premarital and marriage counseling with couples and from giving people advice about how to handle tense situations at work.  Your article is right on point!

Kelley O (not verified) says...

What a thoughtful and insightful comment.  I am an NFP married to a strong NTJ (we vacilate our E/I) This is a great conversation enhancer for our work and personal lives.

Claire Evelynn ??‍♀️?? (not verified) says...

This article has helped me understand my daughter better.  I am grateful that I will now not expect her to respond in the ways I do (she being an INTJ and me being an ENFJ). It is so refreshing to simply know that we are all so different naturally and that expecting anyone to behave the way we think they should is cause for our own confusion and suffering. 

Max Pierson (not verified) says...

True 'dat, resonates with me...  We have this opportunity to find out who we are, the upshot of which is we can stop trying to be someone that we're not and focus on how to best move ahead given who we are. We have this opportunity to know that there are fifteen other personality types and that makes it far easier to understand and respect people

Intj Girl (not verified) says...

Jayne Thompson nailed it perfectly.  As an INTJ I rarely (almost never) experience remorse, which is why I rarely apologize for mistakes.  It isn't that I don't recognize that I make mistakes.  I make dozens daily.  It is that I don't regret mistakes because each mistake helps me to improve.  Like most TJs, I derive joy from excellence.  We are constantly developing, growing and expanding.  TJs take responsibility for our own feelings and (naively) expect others to do the same. 

A recent example of this behavior: when backing out of my blind driveway, I almost hit a couple taking an evening stroll.  The man was furious and said so.  I thanked him for yelling (to get my attention) and getting out of the way (to avoid being run over), to which he began cursing at me and saying what a jerk I was.  To his thinking my lack of apology was insult to the almost injury.  To my thinking, I was stating the most important points and letting him know how appreciative I was for his action.  My thought process was: (1) I almost seriously injured 2 pedestrians. (2) This blind spot has always been a problem  (3) I'm happy this couple's quick thinking averted a disaster (4) Quickly calculate the factors that create the blind spot (5) make plans to correct those factors as soon as possible (6) Let the couple know I was glad their quick thinking helped me to recognize the seriousness of the situation to prompt correction without anyone being injured.  I didn't think to say sorry because my feelings (and his for that matter) were irrelevant.  Not repeating the incident was relevant.

To TJs the matter is simple.  You know if a TJ is sorry for their actions if they don't repeat them.  It isn't that we don't care.  We care deeply.  We simply don't have the ability to anticipate how others will perceive our actions.  INTJs (at least) learn very early to simply avoid the messy unpredictability of other's feelings.  If we can perceive that our actions have hurt another's feelings we may say "I'm sorry I hurt your feelings."  But to expect anything further is from our perspective irrational and unwarranted. 

My husband of 17 years is an FP who quickly learned to value my honesty, loyalty, ingeneuity, tireless work ethic, intelligence, responsibility and creativity over the thousands of sorrys he will never hear.

Greta (not verified) says...

Sorry ? to have to say this, but that sounds to me (an INTP) like psychopathic behavior. No remorse for actual mistakes even if they harm people, not saying ‘sorry’ even in sympathy. One might not regret a mistake for the effect it has on oneself, but what about the effect on other people!? Nobody else in the world matters? No one derives joy from nearly being killed. What if someone walking isn’t paying enough attention? You have a ‘blind’ driveway, but what if the person is literally blind? You might put a wide-view mirror up to prevent accidents, but a blind person would certainly be helpless as you would back out of a blind driveway & right over him. If you already know your driveway is blind, backing out w/o such a mirror is prob. criminal recklessness. But even if you don’t know, it might be. Pedestrians always have the right of way, & drivers always have the responsibility to not crash.

I mean if I were almost run over, having shouted out, ‘Stop!’ & then the person who did it merely called out, ‘Hey, ?? thanks for letting me know somebody was there & for jumping out of the way!’ I’d then think that implied something like, ‘I’m sure you can imagine how hard it is to clean blood & possibly gobbets of flesh from the tire treads & undercarriage! You saved me a big chore! Thanks for helping out! Cheers!’ My feelings absolutely would be relevant. I would feel you were a great danger to the public, & that you didn’t care about anyone else in the world but yourself. Not even sympathizing or regretting what the people went through (separately from your goal of personal improvement) leaves everyone else w/ that impression. It’s anti-social, destructive of society.

The word ‘sorry’ does not mean exactly & only, ‘I absolutely regret what I did, & every result of it is bad for me, so I will undo every bit of it possible, pretend it never happened, & never learn from this.’ It also can mean, ‘I feel regret for the effect of my actions on you,’ ‘I’ll try hard to do better,’ ‘I’ll fix this problem,’ ‘I hope you feel better,’ even just, ‘That’s too bad,’ w/ no claiming of guilt. Prob. a lot more things too. The context indicates what it means. If you really can’t say the very word ‘sorry’ in a situation that calls for 1 of those sentiments, please at least say it in those other words. Expressing those feelings in some way, according to your ability, is part of being a functioning member of society. And doing it does not preclude honesty, loyalty, ingenuity, tireless work ethic, intelligence, responsibility, or creativity. That’s a false dichotomy & implies that we who readily apologize for hurting or inconveniencing others, b/c we know it is wrong to do those things, do not have those qualities, which is an unsubstantiated insult.

P.S. Thought it was funny that I got a captcha about crosswalks! ?

uginger (not verified) says...

Really?! Are you 5 year olds?! It's basic etiquette to apologize not always necessarily when I'm at fault but if it will make someone feel better, sure!

Max Pierson (not verified) says...

Great article actually, informative... my GF is INTJ, she reflects everything said. Thanks.

Annie (INTJ) (not verified) says...

From my point of view, some people feel hurt or offended by others and refuse to consider their own part in it and expect an apology. When I say hurtful things, of course I will apologize. But sometimes... Let me give you an example. When my friend tells me about a nice vacation and I feel sad (or hurt) because I can't afford going on vacation- why should I blame my friend for my pain?! It's not her fault - it's caused by my own thoughts and therefore I shouldn't expect an apology, whereas my husband (ESFJ) would apologize in that situation. To me that's unfair and not loving. To love someone, for me, means that you can be honest with that person and not giving someone an apology for something that you cannot be blamed for.

Shelley (INFJ) (not verified) says...

I am married to a TJ and your blog is spot on.  The part I like/appreciate most is the title:  "Why 'TJs' Can't Apologize (Sorry!)."  The "sorry" is powerful.  Thank you for that.

Michelle Cardenas (not verified) says...

Being a TJ is no excuse to not apologise for something that caused a really bad problem. It has nothing to do with being a TJ, it has a lot to do with a person's ego and not being capable of admitting or taking responsibility of one's actions and therefore not really caring about the person/people who are involved. In my experience that's what ruins relationships and friendships. I've seen some TJs do this bit I've also experienced an FP in my family do this very frequently as well and I knew that this was one of the main reasons why they were so disliked by everyone around them. It takes a good level of maturity and intelligence to be able to look within and think about how and why a real, genuine apology that a person truly means can and does go a long way in maintaining good friendships and relationships. Im not in any way implying that a person needs to appoligise small, common mistakes. Primarily just getting of your proud high horse and implementing more compassion, understanding and humbleness toward others as well as just listening an being more receptive to another person's perspective. This is coming from a TJ and I'm not ashamed nor afraid to admit it. We're all different and therefore have different needs that need to be understood and respected.

adhis (entp) (not verified) says...

my fiance is ESTJ, this makes a whole lotta sense... i thought about this too, similar to what you wrote, but reading someone else thought process explaining the cognitive functions is just mindgasm

( u w u (not verified) says...

This sounds like more of a pride writing than logic to be honest.


If you had the need for the others to adjust to you and have to go through "good arguments" just to prove to you that you are wrong despite how obvious it is. Maybe it's not the "logic side" that keeps you from doing it but you're just short- sighted to these situations you deem so "unnecessary".

If you couldn't accept legit criticisms of others and the negative affect that you give towards other people because it doesn't fit into your concept of what is acceptable or "factual" as you keep being dismissive of other people's feelings simply for being "emotional", maybe you're not the ~bastions of truth~ that you think you are but just really abusive.

If you view apologies as unnecessary and a sign of weakness simply because it transfers power to those you've wronged rather than admitting your mistakes and accept responsibility for your actions in order to learn and be better, then maybe such "power" shouldn't be given to a person like you in first place.

You say you move on but you type this in a way it carried some sort of unresolved hidden emotional baggage that fuel the obnoxiousness and defensiveness in your writing that made this...I dunno, ironic? ?

And what's with this ~truth and logic~ as a repetitive mantra to flex on? As if people who are FPs and FJs cannot be as truthful and as logical as TJs? You do realize that, despite your mbti, people need to have the less dominant other to function properly, right?Everybody has both sides. Everyone can be just as factual and honest even if theyre Feelings and Perceiving leaning just as much as a TJ can be manipulative and emotionally bias. 

You say apologies that admitting their mistake is a Feeling thing.

But isn't analyzing your mistake and thinking what you can do to better yourself in order to remedy the bond between you and the offended is actually more Logical? Wouldn't learning the situation and understanding other people's boundaries in order to create a more stable team for better group output an actual practical thing? Instead of dwelling into your pride and arrogance and rebrands it as "facts and logic"?

Last time I've checked, pride and arrogance is more emotional-based, not logical. Hate to break that to ya boss.

Also shouldn't be TJ's, especially extrovert ones, strive to maintain a role model facade for everyone to look up and respect to? Would this be a good image tho? I couldn't tell.

Funny how TJs demand people to meet them halfway, see things in their way, and adjust to their expectations with so much vigor yet they couldn't do a simple apology without resorting to a heated debate with the people they clearly offended? 

I dunno ma'am. I've met some TJs in my life and they don't actually think like this nor would have second thoughts in apologizing their mistakes, wether if it's small or not.

This sounds more like a you problem ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ .

By the way, good article tho. Although obnoxiously written, in the end it still give me insights of who you are in depth as a person and not because of you being a TJ.

Also this might give me a good heads up anway.



P.S: please don't treat mbti like it's zodiac signs for justifying problematic behavior. You sounded like those women who "cannot stop being a bitch because theyre aries" or something. It's cringey.

That's just facts, but I dunno. I might be emotional charge ??.

Brian W (not verified) says...

Well,  that's funny. "Being forced to say sorry when we're not factually wrong is like we're torturing ourselves; it causes real pain." So TJ does have emotions if they can feel pain. lmao

Arrogance feeds your intelligence? What? that's such a cheap shot... I can't see the correlation between real intelligence and arrogance. Unless, it is for an image...

One of my best friends is ESTJ, and I know many like 5 INTJs.

They've all apologize many times to me when they're wrong. I do admit tend to be more ENTP at times. They do seem arrogant to many people, but never to me. Maybe because I always hold a more accurate if not similar logical truth. The most backward thing is when they get to know me, and they start telling how their feel - unhappy. So I just listened, just like what they want. I however thought ENFP or INFP would do much better job than me, because Fe is my lowest cognitive function.

I don't know for other INTPs, but I really do have too much empathy for others. I care. I would say sorry just for the sake of intentionally make them feel better, even if I don't mean it. But if I get accused of something wrong when I am right, I can become like a TJ and has no problem to invalid their statement and returning what they says against themselves. I don't know why TJ requires a good image from people... As an INTP, image is as good as trash and it's what you possess as skills inside you that matters. You can look as fancy as you want, but don't even try to bullshit us (um hum ESFP). We don't bite, and you just make a fool of yourself. Sadly, there are way too many fools who actually believe ESFP lies are truth..

I love healthy INTJs, we get along so well. I do not believe NTJs act that arrogant towards their NT peers. For SF peers, I agree much. 

I realize NTJs' arrogance somehow loses against NTP's laziness. lmao (NTJs too busy to text < NTPs too lazy to text)

KC (not verified) says...

Amazingly accurate! I'm an INTJ. 

KellyINFJ2021 (not verified) says...

Oof. Definitely NOT something I like, nor support. 

Ken Mak (not verified) says...

Some TJs should stop flattering themselves that others live on their apologies.  The real problems with some TJs are perhaps mainly measuring others' value and/or effort based on MATERIAL (as compared to empathetical) strength/efficiency/astuteness, and clinging on to their aforementioned illogic/irrationality.

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