What Happens When You Share A Personality Type With Your Spouse?

Clinically Reviewed by Steven Melendy, PsyD. on June 03, 2018

When it comes to marriage, you have to be on the same page. You and your spouse have to have the same outlook on life; you have to be able to see how the future is going to pan out for you as a couple. There’s a reason married couples, over time, begin to refer to themselves as “we” rather than “I”— marriage knots two lives together in the quest for a shared destiny.

So given the need for compatibility in marriages, wouldn’t it make sense to marry someone with whom you share a personality type? What could be more compatible than that? If two people are so fundamentally similar, surely marriage is a breeze?

Sure, it can be… but not always.

Two INTP peas in a pod

My husband and I have been married since 2005. We’re pretty good at this whole marriage lark, really. We argue occasionally, but nothing that has ever made us question our ability to be together. We’re childfree, by choice, though we do have two cats that we both dote on. By and large, our life together is a happy, content one.

In terms of personality, we differ greatly— or at least, superficially speaking. To borrow a common theme; I’m fire, and he’s ice. I’m passionate, anxious, and highly strung. He’s calm, collected, and laid-back. Before we both took personality tests, I would have told you we were the very definition of “opposites attract”.

Then we each took a personality test… and both delivered INTP results. After the initial shock, we began to see how two rather different people could be, at their core, remarkably similar. After reflection, it made more and more sense, and I began to wonder how much our identical personality types had influenced our marriage over the years.

The benefits of being married to someone of the same personality type

You see the world in the same way

There are numerous benefits to being married to someone of the same personality type, but perhaps the most obvious is that the way you approach the world is the same. Your worldviews are consistently aligned. You judge the problems of the world, and the solutions to those problems, in the same way. There’s never any argument about the basic way you perceive the world, society, and even smaller issues closer to home. By and large, you’re on the same page.

Take, for example, my husband and my own childfree stance. While I’m not saying that every INTP is childfree, we did have remarkably similar thoughts on the matter when we first discussed it while dating. We’d arrived at those thoughts independently, but they rather eerily mirrored one another… because we see the world in the same way.

You know how to relate to one another

My husband and I are, by nature, very logical people; I’m more prone to flaring and getting annoyed (and he’s more prone to sulking), but we both, ultimately, strive for facts over feelings.

The fact that I can always rely on my husband to reflect my own desire for logical, rational thinking is genuinely something I find myself feeling grateful for on a regular basis. While neither of us are unemotional in general, we’re able to cut down to the basics and relate to one another on a fact-based level. For example, if I want to convince my husband of something, I know to reach for factual rather than emotive arguments. I imagine the opposite would be true for couples with Feeling over Thinking personality types, but the benefit is the same: you know how to relate to one another on the big issues in life.

The disadvantages of being married to someone of the same personality type

There are no fresh ideas

The biggest disadvantage to being married to someone with the same personality type is also the biggest benefit: you see the world, and the problems you encounter, in the same way.

This means that when there is an issue you need to work through as a couple, you’re on the same page. That can be great — and frequently is! — but here’s the kicker: what if your agreed, mutual solution is the wrong choice? You’re stuck.

As you’re both approaching the issue from a similar perspective, there’s nothing new coming to the table when your first plan fails. This can lead to circular attempts to try and resolve an issue; you’re desperate for a new idea, but there’s nothing forthcoming.

There’s no one to challenge your poor decision-making

While it’s wonderful to share similar positive attributes with your spouse, you also have the same flaws. The result of this is that you can double-down on the same mistakes and poor decisions, because there’s no one to say that they think a particular course of action is a bad idea.

This can lead to serious misjudgements, as the one person who is best placed to keep your worst impulses in check may actually encourage you to follow those impulses— because their inclination is to react exactly as you already are. We all need someone in our life who is able to cool our temper or insist we think before we act, but my husband is not the person I can rely on to do that for me. We have a tendency to encourage one another’s worst impulses, because we react in similar ways when we experience negative stimuli.

To conclude

Ultimately, marrying someone with the same personality type as you helps to ensure harmony, but it’s not a complete guarantee against disagreement and arguments. Personality types only take us so far; the rest comes from the bond between a couple and how you are willing to compromise for one another.

With that said, I would suggest that when it comes to learning to live with one another, couples who share a personality type are able to adapt rather well. While this, in and of itself, is not enough to sustain a marriage, it’s a pretty good start!

Antonia Kelly

Antonia Kelly is a freelance writer and editor. She’s a dead-on INTP with a love of politics that borders on the obsessive, and her interests include activism, feminism, history, and — for reasons she doesn’t quite understand — watching WWE wrestling. She lives with her husband and two incredibly pampered cats in Leicestershire, England.

More from this author...
About the Clinical Reviewer

Steven Melendy, PsyD., is a Clinical Psychologist who received his doctorate from The Wright Institute in Berkeley, California. He specializes in using evidence-based approaches in his work with individuals and groups. Steve has worked with diverse populations and in variety of a settings, from community clinics to SF General Hospital. He believes strongly in the importance of self-care, good friendships, and humor whenever possible.


Jara (not verified) says...

Identical twins do not do well on "The Amazing Race" for a very logical reason:

"The biggest disadvantage to being married to someone with the same personality type is also the biggest benefit: you see the world, and the problems you encounter, in the same way.

This means that when there is an issue you need to work through as a couple, you’re on the same page. That can be great — and frequently is! — but here’s the kicker: what if your agreed, mutual solution is the wrong choice? You’re stuck." - Antonia Kelly

GOD created humans and marriage for the purposes of Man and Woman to be fruitful, multiply, and reproduce His image on earth. The reason why God didn't make marriage for 2 men or 2 women is because it produces "stuckness"; it's narcissism, a perverted version of the relationship between God and humans in which God wants to see His image reflected back to Himself. We find comfort in our similarities, but we sharpen each other into maturity because of our areas of difference... 

In 2013, my pastor's wife told us that marriage is spiritual and God’s plan is to join certain people together. I rejected this. Vehemently. I purposely got into a situationship with a man who I thought was "my opposite", but we only have one dichotomy difference. He is definitely not Mr. God's Choice. I knew it when he first approached me but ignored the warnings. When God first made an undeniably obvious move to interrupt this situationship, He said that the man He created for me is "like Him". I was like, "Okay...and how is that?" He didn't answer right away. What He said was that the guy I was involved with is NOT that man, so break up with him, get off of the man's plan and my plan and get back on His plan. I wanted to know more details about His plan before I OBEYED that command. Did He answer that question? NO. Not right away...but I did what He said and broke up with Mr. Probably ENFP after He "forced" the issue (i.e., experienced extremely undesirable consequences of disobedience). 

2014: God showed me who His choice is for me and I was not happy about it (understatement). We were JUST alike in all of the ways that made me uncomfortable and dissimilar in the ways that made me even more uncomfortable. I tried to stay in denial about what He said. God sent more and more "signs", dreams, messengers, etc. to repeat Himself...

2016: God arranged a surprise encounter with a Reverend who also taught Mr. God's Choice to tell me about how God sends her "willfully ignorant" people. That would be me. (I was forced to live with her for a month in 2014 as "marriage prep" until I accepted that I heard God correctly about marriage.) 

2017: God straight told me His Choice's personality type and gave me a book about how to mature and live in harmony with people of opposing types (written by a Christian man with my personality type so that I could easily receive His wisdom). The book is titled "Godly Personalities: Growing Spiritually in Your Created Personality Type."

I wrote the author because I was freaking out about how it's "impossible" for my type and God's Choice's type to be harmoniously married. He responded just like I would: ignored me...until God told him to respond to me with some counsel and comfort. His encouragement didn't comfort me at all. I needed a "T" perspective, which I found by studying how when God's Word (objective truth) is applied in different marriages, they go from good to great and dead to vibrant. And that (plus binge-watching 19 seasons of "The Amazing Race") is how God started to show me the wisdom of personality balance in relationships to strengthen our weak areas to be victorious rather than marry "ourselves" in disguise. ?

Genesis 1:26‭-‬28 NLT

Then God said, “Let us make human beings in our image, to be like us. They will reign over the fish in the sea, the birds in the sky, the livestock, all the wild animals on the earth, and the small animals that scurry along the ground.”

So God created human beings in his own image. In the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.

Then God blessed them and said, “Be fruitful and multiply. Fill the earth and govern it. Reign over the fish in the sea, the birds in the sky, and all the animals that scurry along the ground.”

Genesis 2:15‭-‬25 NLT

The Lord God placed the man in the Garden of Eden to tend and watch over it. But the Lord God warned him, “You may freely eat the fruit of every tree in the garden— except the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. If you eat its fruit, you are sure to die.”

Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is just right for him.”

So the Lord God formed from the ground all the wild animals and all the birds of the sky. He brought them to the man to see what he would call them, and the man chose a name for each one. He gave names to all the livestock, all the birds of the sky, and all the wild animals. But still there was no helper just right for him.

So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep. While the man slept, the Lord God took out one of the man’s ribs and closed up the opening. Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib, and he brought her to the man.

“At last!” the man exclaimed. “This one is bone from my bone, and flesh from my flesh! She will be called ‘woman,’ because she was taken from ‘man.’”

This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one. Now the man and his wife were both naked, but they felt no shame.

Genesis 3:1‭-‬7‭, ‬20‭-‬24 

The serpent was the shrewdest of all the wild animals the Lord God had made.

One day he asked the woman, “Did God really say you must not eat the fruit from any of the trees in the garden?”

“Of course we may eat fruit from the trees in the garden,” the woman replied. “It’s only the fruit from the tree in the middle of the garden that we are not allowed to eat. God said, ‘You must not eat it or even touch it; if you do, you will die.’”

“You won’t die!” the serpent replied to the woman. “God knows that your eyes will be opened as soon as you eat it, and you will be like God, knowing both good and evil.”

The woman was convinced. She saw that the tree was beautiful and its fruit looked delicious, and she wanted the wisdom it would give her. So she took some of the fruit and ate it. Then she gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it, too.

At that moment their eyes were opened, and they suddenly felt shame at their nakedness. So they sewed fig leaves together to cover themselves...

Then the man—Adam—named his wife Eve, because she would be the mother of all who live.  And the Lord God made clothing from animal skins for Adam and his wife.

Then the Lord God said, “Look, the human beings have become like us, knowing both good and evil. What if they reach out, take fruit from the tree of life, and eat it? Then they will live forever!”

So the Lord God banished them from the Garden of Eden, and he sent Adam out to cultivate the ground from which he had been made.

After sending them out, the Lord God stationed mighty cherubim to the east of the Garden of Eden. And he placed a flaming sword that flashed back and forth to guard the way to the tree of life.

Colossians 1:15 NLT

Christ is the visible image of the invisible God. He existed before anything was created and is supreme over all creation...

Ephesians 4:21‭-‬24 NLT

Since you have heard about Jesus and have learned the truth that comes from him, throw off your old sinful nature and your former way of life, which is corrupted by lust and deception. Instead, let the Spirit renew your thoughts and attitudes. Put on your new nature, created to be like God—truly righteous and holy.

Colossians 3:10 NLT:

Put on your new nature, and be renewed as you learn to know your Creator and become like him.

Ephesians 5:1‭-‬2‭, ‬20‭-‬33 NLT

Imitate God, therefore, in everything you do, because you are his dear children. Live a life filled with love, following the example of Christ. He loved us and offered himself as a sacrifice for us, a pleasing aroma to God...

And give thanks for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.

And further, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church. As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands in everything.

For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word.  He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault.

In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself. No one hates his own body but feeds and cares for it, just as Christ cares for the church. And we are members of his body.

As the Scriptures say, “A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.”

This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one.

So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

Proverbs 27:17 NCV:

As iron sharpens iron, so people can improve each other.

Magnuz (not verified) says...

Why on earth do You bring up the story about the youngest god in history and recite the second youngest textbook as if it ever was something to behold as serious scripture?

Christianity (and by the way - the two other abrahamistic religions) is probably the most non-empirical, man-made-up control organ ever invented.

There is nothing good to get from the bible that cannot be found in earlier scriptures that are polytheistic.


Please let us be free from that guilt-blaming controlling imaginary creaturen you refer to as ”god”. It is non-existent and will always be. It has not been and will not ever be found by anyone. Leave it for your own good, and stop imprisoning others reason by imposing it upon them.

Jara (not verified) says...

Hi Magnuz. I brought God up in my reply to this article for the same reasons that you replied to my comment with your beliefs. He's on my mind as I read the article and the wonderful gift of free speech. It's interesting that you don't also feel a need to "be free" from my "The Amazing Race" mention, only from God. May He give you the amazing grace to understand why.  ;-)

Psalms 2:1‭-‬4 NLT

Why are the nations so angry? Why do they waste their time with futile plans? The kings of the earth prepare for battle; the rulers plot together against the Lord and against his anointed one. “Let us break their chains,” they cry, “and free ourselves from slavery to God.” But the one who rules in heaven laughs. The Lord scoffs at them.

2 Corinthians 4:3‭-‬15 NLT

If the Good News we preach is hidden behind a veil, it is hidden only from people who are perishing. Satan, who is the god of this world, has blinded the minds of those who don’t believe. They are unable to see the glorious light of the Good News. They don’t understand this message about the glory of Christ, who is the exact likeness of God.

You see, we don’t go around preaching about ourselves. We preach that Jesus Christ is Lord, and we ourselves are your servants for Jesus’ sake. For God, who said, “Let there be light in the darkness,” has made this light shine in our hearts so we could know the glory of God that is seen in the face of Jesus Christ. We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure. This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves.

We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair. We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed. Through suffering, our bodies continue to share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies. Yes, we live under constant danger of death because we serve Jesus, so that the life of Jesus will be evident in our dying bodies. So we live in the face of death, but this has resulted in eternal life for you.

But we continue to preach because we have the same kind of faith the psalmist had when he said, “I believed in God, so I spoke.”  We know that God, who raised the Lord Jesus, will also raise us with Jesus and present us to himself together with you.

All of this is for your benefit. And as God’s grace reaches more and more people, there will be great thanksgiving, and God will receive more and more glory.

1 Corinthians 2:13‭-‬16 NLT

When we tell you these things, we do not use words that come from human wisdom. Instead, we speak words given to us by the Spirit, using the Spirit’s words to explain spiritual truths.  But people who aren’t spiritual can’t receive these truths from God’s Spirit. It all sounds foolish to them and they can’t understand it, for only those who are spiritual can understand what the Spirit means.

Those who are spiritual can evaluate all things, but they themselves cannot be evaluated by others. For, “Who can know the Lord ’s thoughts? Who knows enough to teach him?”

But we understand these things, for we have the mind of Christ.

Magnuz (not verified) says...

But Jara, the ”problem” here resides in that ”god” does not exist as a real entity.

”God” is as real/empirical/physical as Santa Claus, Tingeling, Jabba the Hut or whatever creature You might want to pick as an example.

Reciting a scripture that has less than 15% left from the origin of the bible from Nicea has no more value than reading Snow White, Cinderella or Bambi.


The Chrisitian/Jewish/Islamic god does not exist.

Think logical for five seconds - you will find there is no other truth than that religion is manmade, and nowadays mostly used as an excuse to escape from responsibility.

Jara (not verified) says...

How do you know that I exist? Technically, I am "invisible" to you. By the way, thanks for using my name (which means "Jehovah has seen", "Jehovah taught me", "Jehovah gives sweetness", etc.) so much in your reply. ??

Jara (not verified) says...

How do you know that I am human? I could be a monkey who knows how to type? Or that my name is actually "Jara"? After all, I am "not verified". Have you seen my birth certificate? Driver's license? Social security card? If I stop responding to you, will you conclude that I no longer exist? If I delete my comments here, what's the proof that I exist and I'm not a figment of your imagination if you tell someone about this conversation? 

Guess what. God also "hides" Himself from prideful people and reveals Himself to humble people who sincerely seek Him. No one can understand what God says without first receiving the grace to understand Him. By your responses that have nothing to do with what I actually wrote, it's apparent that you're more interested in arguing with yourself using pre-planned "logic" (that you've no doubt tried out on many others before me) than having a sincere conversation, so this concludes my end of it. God says that I haven't been wasting my time responding to a robot. His Word never goes out and returns to Him void. I will just have to believe all of that by faith. ✌?

Proverbs 25:2 MSG

God delights in concealing things; scientists delight in discovering things.

Jeremiah 29:13‭-‬14 NLT

"If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me. I will be found by you,” says the Lord. 

Hebrews 11:6 NLT

And it is impossible to please God without faith. Anyone who wants to come to him must believe that God exists and that he rewards those who sincerely seek him.

Psalms 14:1 NLT

Only fools say in their hearts, “There is no God.” They are corrupt, and their actions are evil; not one of them does good!

Proverbs 3:34 NLT

The Lord mocks the mockers but is gracious to the humble.

Isaiah 55:8‭-‬11 NLT

“My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,” says the Lord . “And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine. For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so my ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts. “The rain and snow come down from the heavens and stay on the ground to water the earth. They cause the grain to grow, producing seed for the farmer and bread for the hungry. It is the same with my word. I send it out, and it always produces fruit. It will accomplish all I want it to, and it will prosper everywhere I send it.

Matthew 11:25‭-‬27 NLT

At that time Jesus prayed this prayer: “O Father, Lord of heaven and earth, thank you for hiding these things from those who think themselves wise and clever, and for revealing them to the childlike.  Yes, Father, it pleased you to do it this way!

“My Father has entrusted everything to me. No one truly knows the Son except the Father, and no one truly knows the Father except the Son and those to whom the Son chooses to reveal him.”

Curtis (not verified) says...

Hi Magnuz,

The more knowledge I gain (please understand as a Christian Creationist, I am all for real science), the more it is evident to me that there had to be an Intelligent Designer! If you have done any studying of DNA, you'll know that is just incredible. Within the tiny space in every cell in your body, this code is three billion letters long. And it's a highly intelligent code. How in the world could that have come to be by random chance, no matter how much time you had?? The more time you have, the more disorderly things become, that's fact.

And I'm not sure where you got your facts/beliefs about the Bible, but I'm sorry, they are way off.  The Bible is the most preserved and accurate ancient text we have today!  Many scholars would say that.  The transcribing and preservation over the centuries is just astounding.  Comparing the Bible to other ancient writings:  The New Testament has 5,800 found manuscripts.  The closest ancient work to that is Homer with 1,800.  Time gap between the original and first surviving copies - New Testament is only 25 years compared with other ancient works with time gaps commonly at 1,000 years minimum.  Yet somehow secular scholars put more stock into these other ancient writings than the Bible! 

"15% left from the origin of the Bible from Nicea"??!  I would love to know where you heard that.  The New Testament is said to be at about 99.5% accuracy from the original manuscripts (before Nicea).  That 0.5% does not affect the doctrine, but minor punctuation and grammar errors. 

Please study these things with an open heart.  Ask yourself why people may want to disprove the Bible.  Are their things in the Bible that people don't like or agree with?  Absolutely.  God created a moral code to live by and since we're all born sinners, we'd rather not conform to His standards! 

Why do we all have an internal moral compass? The Bible explains it. We have a just God who calls us to be holy. But we're all sinners. You, me, everyone! Have you ever told a lie? According to the ten Commandments, you're a lier. Have you ever lusted after someone else? Then you're an adulterer at heart. Have you ever stolen anything? Then you're a thief. We've all sinned. Everyone fails. Because God is perfectly righteous and will judge us accordingly, He can't except us in this sinful state. This is where His son, Jesus comes in. Jesus was the perfect sacrifice, giving His life in all our place. We're celebrating this right now at Esther. Because of Him, we can stand before our righteous God, sanctified & justified. Hebrews 10:10: "And by that will we have been sanctified through the offering of the body of Jesus Christ once for all." Not by our own goodness, because that is impossible, but through the blood of Christ. Ask yourself. If the God of the Bible is real, where are you going to end up? Heaven or Hell? Both are for eternity. You don't want to go to Hell. "They will be punished with everlasting destruction and shut out from the presence of the Lord and from the glory of his might" 2 Thessalonians 1:9 When you compare this life now to eternity, this life looks so short, yet what we do and believe now is eternally important!

I do not write these things to offend you, but for things to ponder on.  As a Christian, I care about your future and have been given a command to preach the Gospel!

Phoebe Scarborough (not verified) says...

Curtis, I don't think Magnuz is saying there is no god. I think Magnuz is saying that the power that creates the universe isn't really what Christians describe as God. I have to agree with that. As someone who has read the bible cover to cover for many years (not by choice :) and taught Sunday school for 10 years - I'm starting to get the feeling that God is something different than we are told in church. Something more like light and air and energy. Religion is something totally different - a manmade concept to explain that which we don't understand and something to control masses with. The bible was said to be inspired by God. No one ever said God wrote it. Human men wrote it. And it is actually true that portions have been taken out. How can we really know how much has actually been taken out? There is plenty of information out there about the portions that have been taken out if you really want to find out. I know it seems blasphemous to think that the bible might not be all true. But that's because we've been taught not to question it. Religion contains quite a bit of shame, fear and mind control. And to be honest, the idea that we must all worship in the same exact way and share the same set of beliefs is very human - not very godlike or eternal at all. So to conclude, sharing scriptures and heaven and hell concepts with Magnuz who doesn't believe the bible to be true is not useful (and it's also very shaming and controlling). If the bible inspires YOU to be YOUR very best and to bring light into the world, then it is good and THAT is God. But if you use it as a tool to condemn others with, that is human, not God. 

Charis Murrey (not verified) says...

I dated/courted a guy who was supposedly ideally suited to me romantically. He was supposed to be my compliment- he was ENFP and I'm INFJ. While we did get along well, the relationship didn't end well because he dumped me pretty fast. The main issue was that he couldn't communicate with me at all. While we may have been technically "suited", things didn't go so well. Honestly, I don't think personality type should determine who we marry. I didn't know he was an ENFP for a while. I don't know if being with someone who has the same personality type as me would help or not. I'm just saying, I think personality type is a relatively small factor in the big picture. 

Cam1493 (not verified) says...

My wife and I are INFJs (I know, we're flooding the market on the whole personality research, but that's how we met online on a normal personality theory website like this).  Our relationship couldn't be better honestly.  I always found it odd that ENFPs were recommended for INFJs.  Both my dad and my sister are ENFPs, and honestly, I feel less judged by my ENTJ brother that I swear is a cult leader.  My sister is a very healthy ENFP, (unlike my father) and she's into personality theory as well.  She, in her infinite extroverted intuition, told me that she's found that the happiest relationships she's seen are from people that have the same feeling and thinking functions.  She's happily married to an INTJ, and they both agree on most things in life since they both have Fi as their feeling function.  After studying MBTI and Enneagram for about 5 years now, I agree with her. 
Yes, ENFP/INFJ relationships do work in the real world, but for me and my family, I feel like it's a very one-sided relationship.  Like I've been the counselor they've always needed, especially if they're unhealthy.  Obviously, there are other factors that interfere in a relationship, like religion, the way a person was raised and their status in life (unfortunately).  In all of my research, I have come to believe that on average most INFJs are best suited with other INFJs, ENFJs, ENTPs, INTPs and the more artistic ISFPs.  I had a relationship with an INFP and it was good while it lasted, but NFPs can be sorta flaky when it comes to relationships, as they are true free spirits.  Whether someone should be with an introvert or an extrovert has more to do with what they're used to in life I believe.  For my wife and I, we spend much of our childhood homeschooled/stuck at home.  Hope this helped  : )

INFJ1961 says...

From my own experience interacting with ENFPs, I don't see myself ever dating one.  They are by far an extremely challenging personality type for me to deal with.

Charis Murrey (not verified) says...

Thanks for your input. I found what you said very interesting. I think one of the main problems in my ENFP relationship was the fact that he tended to equate his feelings with truth. He also was not good at communicating with me at all. I found out later that he planned on breaking up with me probably weeks before he did. That really annoyed me. I don't like people who aren't direct with me because I am always forthcoming with others. I can't function in a relationship where a person isn't honest with me about their feelings and plans etc., Also, my Dad is an ENFP and we don't get along at all - well, it's more that we don't have a relationship. However, I would blame that more on his narcississm disorder than his personality type. My Dad is very wishy-washy or as you would say, "flaky" and I can't handle that because I am strong in my beliefs. 

Cam1493 (not verified) says...

My ENFP dad was the same exact way growing up.  He had so many narcissistic traits when I was younger and he still has most of those traits today.  (I'm not bashing all ENFPs.  My sister is great, but we have our differences)  Flaky is a good description of an ENFP when unhealthy.  They're always fun and a little scatter-brained, but every trait in a personality has its good and bad sides.  My dad and his unhealthy introverted feeling made him always want to meet his new girlfriend, though we all knew it wouldn't last more than a month.  We were constantly manipulated into doing whatever he wanted out of us.  This sometimes involved our mom (ISFJ) by him making her feel bad that we never wanted to "hang out" with him until we eventually gave in.  You eventually get tired of it and just become detached completely (INFJ defense mechanism?).
I think the whole being direct thing is important in relationships.  I've never understood why people are so often passive-aggressive and never direct in their relationships, other than for the enjoyment it gives to people who get to watch the nothing-fights in the grocery store about what kind of peanut butter is better.  Now to random people, I think it's funny to be passive aggressive when people are being really rude.  I remember my wife and I going to a concert and this drunk woman with like a 2-foot tall blue wig (literally something you'd see on a cat and the hat movie) moved right in front of our little corner in the back and started dancing in front of us.  I don't like it when people are inconsiderate, so every time she swayed in front of us, I blew at her.  That was probably the most passive-aggressive thing I've ever done, and she probably thought it was the AC at first, but it got her to move after about 5 minutes.  I would say she had the IQ of a rock, but I'm not that mean.  Rocks are better than being talked down to like that.

Charis Murrey (not verified) says...

Ironically, my mom is an ISFJ as well. My Dad basically puts everything on her, his faults and all the blame for what goes wrong ( even though he is usually the direct cause of it). I've tried to have a relationship with my dad, but it is extremely difficult in the best of times. He'll say he wants a relationship with me but then never spends time with me ( except for ocassionally when there's something he wants to do). Then, he'll blame me for the fact that we don't have a relationship. I have not always put enough effort in. He is extremely hard to talk to ( which is saying a lot because I can talk to most people). Now that my Dad has left my mom indefinitely and left her with the financial burden of 4 children and a house to sell, I feel justified in not continuing my strenous efforts at a relationship. Now that I am mad at him he completely ignores me which he has done before for no reason. Honestly, him ignoring me instead of jerking me around emotionally and manipulating is the biggest relief of my life. I know I have to love and forgive him. That will take some time. However, I am not responsible for having a relationship with him.

Cam1493 (not verified) says...

ISFJ's do kinda fall into the role of being walked over.  My mom is super nice to everyone and is willing to do anything if people ask.  It's almost like they have a healthy level of co-dependence if that's even possible, and they thrive at being in positions where they can help people (nursing, teaching, etc).  But nice people tend to get walked over in life at times.  
Yeah, don't let that whole "he'll blame me for the fact that we don't have a relationship" thing bother you too much.  I struggled with that for a long time and eventually started seeing myself as a real person and started working on the relationships that were important in my life.  I consider my ISTP friend (odd, but very functional relationship.  ISTP's and INFJ's have the same functions though, so we get along great.) and our little social group as my real family now.  I feel like INFJs are less likely to keep an unhealthy relationship with family because of our lack of introverted sensing.  We don't understand why people live in traditional ways, or why people live the same 9-5 lifestyle until they die.  I can't see why I would ever keep an unhealthy relationship just because "we're family," though I still stay in limited contact with them.  I had to ask my wife the other day when our anniversary was, and the best part was that she didn't know until we pulled out a wedding gift from my ISFJ sister-in-law.  We're just not good at tradition.
That's so similar to my situation growing up (I'm 25 now).  My mom was left with 4 kids and a house too.  She homeschooled all of us and I'm suffering from her teaching now that I'm in college, because she simply didn't have the time to be superwoman.  I actually started working for my dad and had to fully support myself when I was 13 in order to help my mom out, along with all of the other siblings that had a job by the age of 15.  My view on my dad became "boss," and that was our relationship for years.  It never crossed our minds as a kid that my dad should help support her, especially since he was making over 100k a year at the time.  I mean, why would my boss support my mom right?  The things you realize when you move out and get away from the brainwashing...

Lara Lara (not verified) says...

To the author - I am just curious as to the reason why you and your husband didn't want kids. I am an INTP and I know that it is really common for this personality type not to want kids. I THINK I want to have kids, but I am not sure if this is because of my upbringing (my mother has always talked about "when I have kids"). Or if it is something i actually desire. I guess i don't want to get into a situation where i have kids only to discover that they are completely at odds with my personality, and then i become a bad mother! Would be very grateful if you shared your reasons.

Anna Ess (not verified) says...

My husband and i are both INFPs... something that has, like the author says, its benefits and its challenges, LIKE EVERY MARRIAGE HAS. I put that in capitals because i think weve become convinced that a Disney-like, happy-clappy, rom-com relationship is the template to be aiming for.  I disagree.  As long as a relationship is between two imperfect human beings with history and some baggage, its going to have rough edges.  BUT what i think my man and i have going for us, is that both of us are committed to our relationship and open to growing.  We are aware of our weak spots and both take the individual initiative to be learners in those areas.  And as we grow were able to tag team and balance the other out better.  There is no perfect relationship and no perfect pairing.  But i do think that if your partner is kind and loves you... thats what ultimately matters, not an MBTI definition.

As for me and my husband, whether hes the right guy or wrong guy, hes MY guy, the one I chose on our wedding day and the one i choose every day.  The joys of doing life with him outweigh any challenges!!  Blessings and peace to all who are questioning. 

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