The Way Each Toxic Personality Chooses a Restaurant

Have you taken our toxic person test yet? And maybe learned some hard truths about yourself and what makes you tough to be around?

Whatever toxic personality you got on the quiz, I guarantee that on some level, your friends and family knew you would get that result. And you knew what result they would get, too. That’s partly because you all like each other so much – your strengths and your flaws – but also because you’ve been out to dinner together. It may be a while at this point, what with the pandemic, but I guarantee you, you’ve all left a considerable mark on each other’s psyche. 

This is how every single toxic personality type chooses a restaurant. 

Drama Llama

Drama Llamas expect you to pick a restaurant they like, because if they don’t like it, they’ll complain nonstop during the meal about it. Also, you should be making sure that you are keeping stock of not just their various dietary restrictions, but also make sure they can get at LEAST five options out of the menu (nevermind that they will only be ordering one dish, and making you eat half). 

The only way to win their total approval over your choice (not their gratitude) is if the restaurant also has their favorite meal. The same meal they order in every...single...restaurant...they go to.

Mansplainer

The Mansplainer is very excited about this restaurant. Very excited. Did you know the owner knows Beyonce? Did you know that this particular dish is one they brought over from their home country? Oh, that one dish costs a lot more because saffron is actually really expensive. They actually know how to pronounce this dish, and they’re going to order it especially to impress the waiter! They want to get something other than fries to share, because they’re really into trying new foods. 

Wait, wait – don’t eat yet. They want to take a picture for their Instagram. It’s almost like they forgot that you’re the one who suggested this restaurant. 

Slacker

Slackers are cool with whatever. Really! Where do you want to go? They don’t know, where do you want to go? They’re cool with whatever you want. So maybe you decide that this time, you’ll make them decide. It’s their birthday dinner, they must have an opinion on it. They don't, of course, so you search your memory for a dish they seem to have particularly savored anytime you’ve gone out. But they like everything. Not to mention it’s usually them asking you how you like your food. 

In the end, you decide to pick a restaurant that’s near because you figure it’ll be easy for them to get to and you never go there often enough. You played right into their hands.

Karen

IF we don’t go to the restaurant that they like, BASED on the research they did, ALSO considering their own personal experience with cooking (which is extensive, unlike yours), then how can they trust the food is good? You know? Whatever you choose, they’re sure there will be something wrong with it. And they don’t want to ruin our fun outing by having to tell the waiter that the food just isn’t good. Like, do you want to sit through that? They just don’t think your friendship would last if we sat through that. 

So it’s just better if they choose, and if they choose based on their own likes and dislikes, because we know who has better taste between us. And they know you go along with it because you know they’re right. 

Con Artists

Mmm, they know you suggested this restaurant, but they already called and made reservations at that restaurant. They actually only have time today to go to that restaurant because it’s right by their work, otherwise we just can’t meet up today. And maybe not even for weeks! They arrive whenever is best for them, which is late. They ate a snack beforehand so while you’re waiting and starving, they use the time to catch up – or at least, talk about themselves. And they actually paid for coffee last time, so can you cover them? Thanks!

Debbie Downers

You don’t like to get food too often with this friend – it’s just easier to go to the movies with them – but sometimes, it can’t be helped. They always let you choose the restaurant, because it means they get to complain about it while they’re there, and you’ll be the perfect captive audience. They’re serving peas? Don’t they know peas are part of a fascist regime in that one country and a factor in climate disasters in this other country? Not to mention they can cause cancer. Yeah, they know it’s only in very small amounts but they think we should know all the foods that cause cancer. 

They ask you if you’re sure you’re good to get another drink. They complain that they’d love to get the potato wedges – it’s their ABSOLUTE FAVORITE DISH! – but money is tight right now. It’s so lucky you don’t have that problem, they say.

Control Freaks

Control Freaks have ONE requirement for dinner. It’s just one, so it’s not a big deal. They’re fine with whatever restaurant, as long as it’s not that far from the hotel. They’re cool with whatever cuisine, as long as it doesn’t keep them up at night. They’re really okay with whatever bar you go to, or whether you go before or after dinner, or whether it’s a cocktail bar with snacks or a bougie wine bar, as long as they’re playing the game on the TVs there. They’re the one group that never has anything to say after dinner, because they got exactly what they wanted. 

Which toxic personality are you? Take our quiz and find out. Recognize one of your friends or family on this list? Send them the quiz and see if you predicted their results correctly. Do it before they figure out which you are first! 

Sulagna Misra

Sulagna Misra has written for AV Club, Vanity Fair, and The Toast. She writes about what she loves to daydream about. She also has a newsletter called Dream State: dreamstate.substack.com

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