The Real Reasons INTPs Fear Failure - And How to Stop

Have you ever missed a fantastic opportunity because you were not sure how it might turn out? Or made an irrational decision because you were too scared to step out of your comfort zone?

If so, you're not alone. INTPs have a reputation for being apprehensive about, well, everything. Despite how illogical it may appear, you carry a haunting sense of impending failure like a mom carries her newborn baby - cautiously and possessively, with the sense that you're not sure how to handle it, but at the same time never wanting to let it go. This debilitating condition holds you back and steals your chances of getting what you want out of life.

Where does this paralyzing emotion come from? It's safe to say that you were not born with a fear of failure. But you were born with a distinct set of personality traits that combine to stop you in your tracks. Here are the real reasons why INTPs fear failure, and what you can do to break the chains.

#1: You're a perfectionist

If you're not competent, then what else are you? As an INTP, your self-esteem is attached to your competency. You are highly self-critical and will overdo simple issues until you are absolutely sure that something is right. And not only right, but right the first time out of the gate. Because if something isn't right, you know that you will feel stupid, slow, and powerless.

In his book, NurtureShock: New Thinking About Children, Po Bronson says that the biggest parenting mistake is praising kids for their competency, something he calls "the inverse power of praise." The result is a person who is paralyzed from taking on any project that has a remote chance of failure, since their self-worth is slavishly dependent on their ability to appear smart and successful.

We're not suggesting that parents are the cause of your perfectionism. That could be down to genetics, childhood events or a host of other factors. But whatever the cause, the result of perfectionism is the same. It means that you gravitate toward the "easy wins" - the things you can do well without challenge. If you sail away from the safe harbor, you will essentially need to start at the beginning. Any work you do in the early days could be second rate at best. And when you are so concerned with being smart, second rate can feel like a personal violation.

Reframe: Stop measuring yourself by your successes and start rewarding yourself for trying something new. Start with something small - an art class, archery, yoga - it doesn't matter what it is as long as you've never done it before. As a beginner, you're bound to fail the first few times you try. This is a great way to train yourself to handle mistakes and enjoy the fun of discovering new things about yourself.

#2: You're a commitment-phobe

Like all Perceivers, INTPs remain open to new information until they run out of time to make a decision. Until then, you continually reexamine the evidence, worrying that you've missed some critical piece of data. In the absence of external pressure, you are prone to going round in dizzying circles, lost in a world of indecision where your ideas never truly crystallize.

Procrastination is linked to perfectionism, in the sense that it's not about getting things right. It's really the avoidance of shame. You are motivated to appear competent, so you subject your thoughts to endless scrutiny; to go for closure before there's an absolute guarantee of success triggers the fear center of your brain. If your ideas are especially risky, then there's a good chance that they will never see the light of day.

Reframe: There are two types of failure in this world: actions and inactions. You can fail by crashing out of college, or you can fail by never applying to college at all. Most people predict that it's the actions that will trip them up. But when people reflect on their life, it's failing to grasp opportunities that form the biggest regrets.

Research from the University of Illinois and Northwestern in Chicago suggests that while "action regrets" are initially very painful, the pain of lost opportunities lasts far longer than the short-term anguish of getting something wrong. Which means that every time you put something off, there's a good chance you'll be left wondering "what if?" in 10, 20 or 50 years' time. For INTPs the message is clear: find ways to take action. Even if it's a bad choice, at least you'll be able to say, "I tried."

#3: You're pretty zen

Being zen is a nice trait since it protects you from stress and everything that goes with it, such as heart disease, depression and strokes. But there's a fine line between "zen" and "apathetic ambivalence." The latter happens when you become so content inside your calm, contained and unhurried bubble that you lose all motivation to push yourself and achieve your goals.

INTPs are prone to apathy since you are more interested in what's going on inside your head than in the real world. In fact, you may find that you flick between apathetic and obsessed at the flick of a switch, depending on whether something has captured your interest.

Apathy becomes a problem when nothing is capturing your interest, either because you don't have any goals or you are working towards the wrong goals. Both of these things happen when you get cozy in your comfort zone and refuse to try the difficult things that might just make your heart sing.

Reframe: When apathy bites, it's important to not lose track of your goals. Rather, break your dreams down into smaller chunks and put up some deadlines. Mentors can be valuable people to have at this point since they can both encourage you and hold you accountable for getting started.

By breaking down dreams, there's less to fear each step along the way since each chunk is achievable. Soon you will have invested so much of your time and energy into a goal you feel you need to finish in order to break even. You'll carry on even when the going gets tough and you might otherwise be looking for excuses.

The bottom line is, if you want to win, you have to be ready to fail. It teaches you things that nothing else can teach you, namely that you can't keep seeking perfection at the expense of a life. That regret comes from not doing the things you want to do, and the more opportunities you let go, the less satisfied you will be.

We'll leave you with an excellent quote from one of the world's greatest athletes:

"I've missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed." - Michael Jordan

Molly Owens

Molly Owens is the founder and CEO of Truity. She is a graduate of UC Berkeley and holds a master's degree in counseling psychology. Since 2006, she has specialized in helping individuals and organizations utilize personality assessments to develop their potential.

In 2012, Molly founded Truity with a mission to make robust, scientifically validated personality assessments accessible to everyone who may benefit from them.

Molly is an ENTP and lives in San Francisco, where she enjoys elaborate cooking projects, murder mysteries, and racing toy cars with her son.

Comments

benitolewis (not verified) says...

This sums up things in my INTP world so well! I am not gifted with building skills but am interested in small home improvement projects as well as homesteading. The fear of something not working out will often lead to projects thought up but never started. When asked questions about a project I do start I am immediately returned to re-thinking and reconsidering EVERY aspect of that project due to the new information or perspective.

Guest (not verified) says...

So true. Nailed me.

Jenxian (not verified) says...

Wow. #2 and #3 really hit home. You have statements in there that are spot-on and I apparently needed to read this today. The apathy is running high lately, as is the fear of looking stupid. I use the apathy to mask the insecurity and its a BAD combination.
Thanks for reminding me to get out of my own head-space.

DanWC (not verified) says...

This describes my current situation to a T. Though the suggested breaking down things to smaller/achievable/less-scary chunks has never worked for me. And the biggest obstacle I am dealing with right now is that I FINALLY took action on one of the long put-off things that would make my heart sing, only to fail rather spectacularly--makes it that much harder to motivate/trust to try again. Not so sure the research cited which talks about regret and the pain of trying short-term pain; going on close to two years now and still working though it.

anjesen says...

Thank you! You keep painting a very good portrait of me. Your solutions are very hard to follow but absolutely logical and clear.

I would reason add #4: I'm addicted to beginnings. I love to start new projects, so much that I fill my time with projects and every time my schedule tells me that I need to continue one of them in order to finish at least one simple thing in life, I always find myself wanting to start (and actually doing it) another project instead of continuing with one of the old ones. What would be the "Reframe" part to overcome this one?

Tasha (not verified) says...

Yes, please. The letter one #4 - What the reframe would be ..?
I always though it's my indecisive 'air' Libra sign combined with a romantic (read perfectionist) young girl nature, but apparently I'm just an INTP

Nahtanojsti (not verified) says...

This article hit the bullseye on the target especially the apathy and procrastination. I really needed this article. Thank you Molly

INTPondering (not verified) says...

I just want to offer a slightly different perspective. I don't know if this is true of all INTPs or just me, but when I've pushed myself to get out of my comfort zone and take on projects without overthinking them, I've regretted it afterwards. Jumping into things without doing my research has cost me big time (versus cost of doing nothing: nothing), and when I've pushed myself to take on challenging stuff because I told myself the rewards would be "worth it," I found they really *weren't* worth the stress and hassle. In my experience, the self doesn't escape the INTP's analysis, and therefore, many INTPs understand their own strengths and limitations pretty well. So my advice is not to push yourself into something you already have doubts about but to play to your strengths. Do what you actually enjoy and find a way to make that into a career. If you don't have a long attention span, make sure your work is based around small, short-term jobs. If you like generating ideas but don't like the follow-through, get a start-up going and bring others on board to implement. I think INTPs are people who genuinely need to like what they do in order to be happy in life, and trying to fit yourself into some other type's idea of happiness (earn big money! lean in with the office crew! stop thinking and just do it!) is bound to backfire.

Ashen (not verified) says...

Happy to see I am not the only one who thinks that way! I'm always so surprized when people see the whole "move out of your comfort zone" idea as "say goodbye to your comfort, and replace it with something unbearable". To me the only way it is worth the efforts and risks is when I am to end up in a slightly less comfortable zone, not some living hell. 

Luna (not verified) says...

Good analysis, although I disagree with some of it. First of all, it wasn't praise by my parents that snowballed my fear of failure out of control, it was the exact opposite, the complete lack of acceptance of anything but perfection. Where they failed was in not knowing or caring to sooth me when things didn't go so well, was in not telling me that most people get by just fine by being mediocre, especially if they're pretty certain of themselves. I truly think that not praising your INTP kid for the things s/he's good at is terrible, because s/he'll assume from the start to be a failure. I thrive on positive reinforcement, not having it is what means I've failed, if no one tells me they like my work than what's the point of doing it? What's important is that they'll also accept that I can fail too, I'm just human, but I never had, still don't have that from my parents. I also disagree with point 4, getting things started is easy, it's finishing them that's very, very hard. 

chris5 (not verified) says...

Luna, I had the same problem as well in my childhood. I was scolded for not making the marks my parents and other family members expected of me. Whenever I needed help, I was too scared to ask because one, they didn't know and two, I felt that no matter what I did, it never was good enough. This is not me saying it is their fault. I just wanted to be recognized for my hard work. Even as I went on to the military and graduated college, no one was there to help me celebrate my achievements. And the time I was working in public service, no recognition as well or feedback. Just whenever something went wrong or people needed something fixed is when I was noticed.

I really want to start a business, but then, I worry that despite "getting out of my comfort zone" that my efforts may go unnoticed and I end up failing to get going.

Share your thoughts