How Each Enneagram Type Apologizes (And What They Need to Hear in Return)

Imagine walking into a room with your partner, having a short conversation about an area of conflict between the two of you and then having a researcher predict, with over 90% accuracy, whether you will still be together in seven years. This was the remarkable work of Dr. John Gottman and his famous “Love Lab” at the University of Washington. 

Dr. John Gottman's research demonstrated that how couples repair from conflict is one of the strongest predictors of relationship success. He defines a repair attempt as “any statement or action, silly or otherwise, that prevents negativity from escalating out of control,” and goes on to explain that the success or failure of a couple’s repair attempts is one of the primary factors in whether their relationship flourishes or flounders.

His research is vast and foundational, but one thing he didn't focus on was how personality influences those repair attempts. An apology from a Type Five rarely sounds like an apology from a Type Two, and when we expect everyone to apologize like we would, we often miss the sincere attempts people are making to reconnect. 

Understanding what each Enneagram type is trying to communicate and what they need to hear in return can be one of the biggest steps you’ll take in improving your relationships. Below we offer a guide to how each Enneagram type apologizes so you can recognize bids to repair that you may have been missing.

Type One: Perfectionist

The apology they give: Type Ones will try to explain the background and lead up to their actions. If they snapped at you for being late, they may begin to describe the stressful events of the morning or the multiple responsibilities they were juggling. It may seem confusing or like they are trying to avoid taking full responsibility for hurting your feelings.

What they're really trying to say: Behind all their explanations, they are trying to show you that while their behavior might have landed in a way they didn’t intend, their character is still good.

What they need to hear: “I know your intention was good.”  

Type Ones fear they are bad, and this fear can make them overly defensive about being wrong or making a mistake. When you acknowledge their heart was in the right place, while still holding them accountable for their behavior, it relaxes their defensiveness and helps them hear your feedback.

Type Two: Giver

The apology they give: If a Type Two has done something wrong, their repair might be indirect. They might do something kind for you or offer you a gift. They might bring you coffee just the way you like it, cook your favorite dessert or help you out with a project. They may apologize directly, but more likely than not, they will do it by trying to take care of you.

What they're really trying to say:  Type Twos invest a lot in their relationships so a damaged one can feel very intense to them. Through their indirect apology, they are trying to reassure themselves they still hold an important place in your life. Indirectly they are saying “Please don’t push me away.”

What they need to hear: “We’re still okay.”  

This is the feeling they are looking for and once they know the relationship is not in terminal jeopardy, they are much more open to constructive criticism and feedback about how they could have handled things differently.

Type Three: Achiever

The apology they give: Efficiency is the hallmark of a Type Three’s apology. This isn’t someone who wants to spend hours talking about feelings, and they don’t want to dwell on the overall situation. Expect a minute or two of them saying they are sorry, explaining how they will do better, and then don’t expect to talk about it again. 

What they are really trying to say: They want to acknowledge they hurt you, but they don’t want to feel like they’ve lost your respect. Type Threes have an amazing ability to package up their feelings and put them off to the side, and it can come as a surprise to them that not everyone can do the same.

What they need to hear: “One mistake doesn’t change the way I see you.” 

Image-conscious Type Threes fear looking bad in your eyes so apologies don’t come easily. They want to move through them as fast as possible. This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t hold your ground and explain the impact the situation had on you, but if you can deliver it in a way that makes it clear you still respect them, that will go a long way.

Type Four: Individualist

The apology they give: Expect a heartfelt emotionally vulnerable apology that may include a lot of background about what they were feeling leading up to the incident.  Type Fours have high emotional fluency and a desire to be deeply understood so an apology might include an emotional journey of the entire situation. 

What they are really trying to say: They seek understanding as well as forgiveness.  They are not interested in a quick “let’s move on” and usually they don’t want to gloss over the situation. They have likely reflected on the pain they caused and also the pain they felt as a result of what happened.

What they need to hear: “I know this is important to you.”  

Type Fours move on from relationship damage when their feelings have been honored.  Feeling seen and heard is important to their healing.

Type Five: Investigator

The apology they give: Type Five’s apologies tend to be brief, fact-based, accurate and carefully worded. They may go quiet for a long time while they try to process the event. They understand the world through logic and practicalities so don’t expect a long-winded focus on your feelings. If they seem cold or detached, that isn’t their intention.

What they are really trying to say: They want you to understand they didn’t mean to hurt you, and they try to prove that through facts and data. This is how they understand the world and so they imagine you understand the world the same way.

What they need to hear: “Take your time.”  

Conflict, especially around emotional issues, can feel overwhelming for Type Fives. They don't want to say the wrong thing or make the situation worse so they often retreat to think before responding. Giving them that space allows them the opportunity to come back with a response they've genuinely thought through.

Type Six: Skeptic

The apology they give: Type Six is one of the more complex types in the Enneagram and while the delivery of the apology can vary a lot based on subtype, a common theme in Type Six apologies is that they are thorough. They may explain their thinking, their path of action and why they made the decision they did. They may check back later to see if you seem okay. They may try to reassure you that the issue won’t surface again.

What they are really trying to say: They want to restore a sense of trust and security within the relationship.  They don’t want lingering doubts or anything that might cause you to pull away.

What they need to hear: “I still trust you and believe in you.” 

Loyalty is foundational for Type Sixes so they want to know they haven’t lost yours. Knowing that their mistake hasn't destroyed your confidence in them helps quiet the anxious thoughts that can keep replaying the situation in their mind. Once they feel the relationship is secure, they are better able to hear your feedback.

Type Seven: Enthusiast

The apology they give: Type Sevens often apologize sincerely but then quickly shift toward making things better. Don’t be surprised if they crack a joke, suggest going out for dinner or come up with a fun plan for the weekend. Their instinct is to repair the mood as quickly as possible and focus on a happier future.

What they're really trying to say: They want to know the relationship can recover and that you don’t harbor negative feelings towards them. Type Sevens don’t like sitting with negativity so looking toward the future is their way of believing the relationship is resilient enough to move forward.

What they need to hear: "We'll get through this." 

Type Sevens fear being trapped in pain or bogged down by negativity. Once they know there is hope for a brighter future, it is much easier for them to own how they have hurt you.

Type Eight: Challenger

The apology they give: Type Eights tend to apologize directly and without drama. They are unlikely to offer a long explanation or an emotional conversation. If they believe they were wrong, they'll usually say so and look for practical ways to repair. They would much rather move into action to fix the problem. Long conversations aren't their preferred repair mode.

What they're really trying to say: An apology is their way of saying, "You matter enough for me to be vulnerable." While they may not use those words, admitting they were wrong is often a bigger act of trust than people realize.

What they need to hear: "I know you have a big heart." 

Type Eights can be like a bull in a china shop, causing a lot of damage without meaning to. When they know you can separate their behavior from their character, they're much more willing to stay in the conversation instead of putting their defenses back up.

Type Nine: Peacemaker

The apology they give: Type Nines often apologize quickly and sometimes when they don’t believe they were actually at fault. Keeping the peace feels so important that they may take responsibility for more than is theirs just to bring the conflict to an end. Emotional tension really stresses them, and they can be eager to move back to a smooth, conflict-free environment.

What they're really trying to say: They want to restore harmony. Conflict can feel anxiety-provoking, and they worry that disagreements will create distance between the people they care about. Their apology is often aimed at getting back to a peaceful place, and they are less interested in assigning blame.

What they need to hear: "I want to hear your side." 

Type Nines have a habit of putting their own priorities and perspectives aside in order to avoid any sign of conflict. Letting them know you're interested in hearing how they experienced the situation helps them stay engaged instead of simply agreeing to maintain harmony. Ironically, real harmony usually comes after both people have been heard.

The Hidden Language of Apology

If you are in a relationship long enough, you will inadvertently hurt and be hurt by your partner. Gottman’s research shows us that plenty of partners overcome injury, and the quality of the repair is one of the best predictors for a healthy, stable union.  

Repair is important but sometimes genuine efforts to make amends get missed or misunderstood because we don’t all experience the world the same way. This is one of the greatest tragedies of many love stories. The right intention was there, but the other person didn’t recognize it. 

But by using the Enneagram to understand apology, we have a better chance to recognize the different ways each type reaches back toward connection. Sometimes that recognition is all it takes to change the course of conversation or even a whole relationship.