INTJs and Kids: A Complicated Question With a Complicated Answer

A little while ago, the researchers at Truity used responses from thousands of men and women to determine whether stereotypes about different Myers-Briggs personality types’ attitudes about parenting hold up. One of them definitely did, at least for me—the findings revealed that INTJs are the most reluctant parents. A full one-third of INTJ respondents reported that they neither had nor wanted children, and those who already had kids showed significantly lower-than-average levels of satisfaction with their parenting role.

As an INTJ myself, the “reluctant parent” label resonates. For a large chunk of my life, I had no interest in having children. When I envisioned my future, I saw a thriving career, global adventures, and absolutely zero rugrats. I didn’t plan on getting married either, which is part of the reason why my boyfriend and I have never bothered to tie the knot in the nearly twenty years we’ve been together.

My boyfriend is also an INTJ, but unlike the respondents to Truity’s questionnaires, he has always wanted children. For a long time, this stood as an issue between us that we chose to ignore, like an ever-growing pile of dirty clothes in the corner. It seems impossible that two people of the same type could have such different views when it comes to kids, but, as you’ll see, the INTJ personality can actually fit with not wanting to start a family, and wanting one desperately.

No Way in Hell

While I started out having no interest in having kids, over the years I’ve gone on a journey that has led me to a different way of thinking. But when I look back at my younger years, saying that I didn’t want to have kids seems like a massive understatement. I really didn’t want to have kids. I thought babies looked like weird little aliens and stiffened in fear whenever someone tried to make me hold one. I wanted an exciting, fulfilling life, and having children didn’t seem like the way to get there.

One of the scariest aspects of kids to me was the time-suck of it all. I love to spend hours pursuing intellectual activities like writing and reading—where would I find the time for that, surrounded by screaming toddlers? INTJs are also independent creatures, and this doesn’t align very well with parenthood. Without kids, I can take trips with next-to-no notice and enjoy the time alone that all introverts crave. Kids would require babysitters and frequent calls home, and I could definitely kiss my alone time goodbye.

And then there’s the need to do it “right.” Though I didn’t voice this concern very often, I worried that I wasn’t in touch with my emotions enough to handle motherhood or meet the emotional demands of raising a child. I’m an Intuitive-Thinker, a “Rational” or “Theorist” temperament that prioritizes objectivity and efficiency. We Rationals are natural problem-solvers and our actions are highly utilitarian and goal-oriented. I feared my kids would think I was closed off and wouldn’t be there for them when they needed me. I had no desire to put my hypothetical offspring through that; it felt safer to just opt out. 

For much of my life, I was the never-getting-married, never-having-kids type and never thought this would change. 

Enter Dan.

The Rare “I Want Kids” INTJ

My boyfriend and I met on the first day we arrived at NYU. It wasn't exactly love at first sight—we both had crushes on other people during orientation—but by the time classes started, we were already dating. A fellow INTJ, Dan is a great fit for me. We’re both rational-minded and love to dissect movies, studies we’ve read, the state of the world, and everything in between. We support each other in our goals and the somewhat obsessive lists and schedules we make along the way. 

Though I didn’t know what an INTJ was at the time (that would come later with my work here at Truity), I was still surprised to find that someone with a personality so similar to mine wanted kids. Children were always a part of Dan’s future plan—something we INTJs think a lot about—and he confessed that if he went through life without starting a family, the regret would be unbearable.

Initially, a kids-wanting INTJ once seemed unfathomable to me. But when you think about it, many INTJ qualities lend themselves quite well to parenting. Dan is incredibly knowledgeable about a wide range of topics and is great at explaining them in ways others—even small children—can understand. He’s drawn to the idea of homeschooling, where his logical structuring abilities will be indispensable. I know he’d raise a family of critical thinkers. His kids would get the freedom to explore their interests and make their own choices, as long as that freedom was used responsibly. He’s also more in tune with his emotions than a typical INTJ and could provide that sort of support as well.

So there we were—one stereotypical INTJ with no desire to have kids, and one less stereotypical INTJ who couldn’t see a life without them. What to do next?

Dealing with Conflict

We had the “kids” talk early on, which isn't that surprising for a couple of forward-looking INTJs. But 18 is an early age to break up over this kind of issue, so we just ignored it for years, both thinking the other was bound to change their mind eventually.

You might think that fifteen years is a long time to ignore this potentially relationship-ruining problem, but if so, then you probably don’t know many INTJs. INTJs are not necessarily conflict-avoidant, but we strongly avoid emotional conflict. While we’re great at standing our ground in logical debates, we tend to shut down or physically leave situations that devolve into uncontrolled feelings. And the question of parenthood is a thorny one, tangled up in complicated emotions. Dan and I simply chose to sidestep it for several years in favor of enjoying life. He was doing the math and deciding that we couldn’t afford to have kids right then, anyway, so the issue never came to a head. 

But in our early thirties, the question started creeping its way into conversations. And this time, there was no brushing it under a rug. I had to sit with the big question: was I really sure I didn’t want kids? It would take a series of moments, spread across many years, to finally give me my answer, and even longer for me to be sure that I wasn’t letting my desire not to lose Dan make my decision for me.

When I Came Around

A hint that I might change my mind about having kids dates back to age twenty, when I held my niece for the first time. For once, I enjoyed holding a baby and felt a connection to her that I had never felt before. But, living in New York, I didn’t get to Ohio to see her and my sister very often, so it was easy to forget that early pull toward motherhood. Even at a distance, though, I have watched my niece grow into this amazing kid with a close connection to my sister, and wondered if I would enjoy the same experience.

Another moment came when my boyfriend’s grandfather died in 2020. His children and grandchildren all cried at his funeral (as did I), and I imagined the end of my own life. Dan would be there, but we would lack the family who would love and support us.

The thing that truly and finally changed my mind was, oddly enough, a dream I had of Dan and me lazing on the couch in front of the TV with two sleeping children between us, and two dogs at our feet. It was then that I knew that this was something I really wanted and that, like Dan, I would regret a life without children.

Some think INTJs can be emotionless robots, but just because we can become overwhelmed by emotional unpredictability doesn’t mean we can’t enjoy the deep bonds of a family. Now I look forward to the chance to teach my kids about TV, films and the music I love and know way too much about. Instead of worrying about being emotionally unavailable, I’m pretty confident now that having children will help me to grow into a more patient and thoughtful person. 

We still haven’t reached that point where we are “ready” to have kids, but that day is coming closer and closer. And while I’m still scared, I’m looking forward to the new sort of adventure this experience will bring.