The INFJ's Guide to Finding True Love

INFJs love people. They love being with them. They love forming intimate relationships with them. They love surrendering to the connection between two people when all the distance falls away and they each express themselves openly and without censorship. And they love sharing their endless warmth and sensitivity with their soulmate. As has often been observed, there's no one more loving than an INFJ in love.

Despite their loving tendencies, INFJs generally have problems with romance. They want a soul-deep connection with someone who is invested "all in" with the relationship, and can get frustrated when the other person isn't on the same wavelength as them. They're also quite slow to test the waters, and may let romantic opportunities pass them because they're scared to initiate anything. These traits combine to make casual dating a bit of a struggle. Be honest - how many times have you gotten too intense about things, or wasted too much effort over-thinking someone's intentions or reading more into a situation than was actually there?

If you're despairing that you'll ever find "the one," take heart. Here are some tips for letting true love flow.

First, Take Care of Yourself

Falling in love is mesmerizing, romantic and achingly beautiful. It's also disheartening, exposing and downright scary. When are you more likely to see love as an asset and not a liability? When you're feeling comfortable in your own skin.

When you're comfortable, love feels like it can give you much more than it could hurt you. You'll care less about how others perceive you, or whether you're intelligent, attractive or accomplished enough to stand a chance with someone. Instead, you'll be open to trying new things simply for your own personal experience. INFJs are known to be self-sacrificing in their relationships. It's easy for an INFJ to throw their entire being into something or someone, but you need a healthy balance.

So, take care of yourself as much as you can. Be your own person and do the things you enjoy instead of force-fitting yourself to other people's standards. Then, when you find someone who "gets" you, you can be sure that it's the real you they're attracted to, and start building on that solid foundation.

Where You Go Matters

People who gather in the places you enjoy visiting share something in common with you. Since you're looking for a soul bond with someone, and not simply a casual fling, it makes sense to connect with people who share the same interests. But it's also worth stepping out of your comfort zone just enough to meet new people. Perhaps you could join a group, take a class, or accept invitations to hang out with people you may not know very well - these are good ways of widening your social circle. If you're lucky, you'll stumble across a loyal, authentic and intriguing Extravert who'll do all the running in the dating phase, and bring out the best in you. ENTPs and ENFPs are especially compatible since, like you, these types lead with intuition.

If there's a voice in your head pleading with you to stay home and watch Netflix, you may have to silence it. You'll likely have to date multiple people, and go through a series of trial and error, before you find 'the one.' So, engage with life. You never know who you might be about to meet.

Make Your Intentions Clear

A big INFJ problem is that your intentions aren't always clear to others. If you rely on subtle hints and signals to confess your feelings, be sure that the object of your affection will have no idea how you feel. Through no fault of their own, other people simply can't intuit, or mindread, or analyze as deeply as you can. That special smile you reserve only for your significant other? He probably thinks it's trapped gas.

Taking things slowly is good. But if you want to get out of the friend zone, you're going to have to be more obvious, even if it feels shallow. Write everything down first, if that helps to clarify your thoughts. When you've made sense of those bottled emotions, pluck up the courage to talk to your significant other in a way that won't completely overwhelm them.

Opening up can be terrifying, and of course you're exposing yourself to the possibility of rejection. But most INFJs find that the tension of holding things in is harder than the sting of an awkward conversation. Finding out for sure if someone is interested in you is a huge relief and can help you put your relationships on the right path - romantic or platonic. For INFJs, good friendships are not a consolation prize!

Curb The Crazy Idealism

Most INFJs yearn to find their one true relationship with that one special person, and unfortunately that can make you gullible when it comes to the people you love and trust. There's a risk that you'll idealize the relationship and put the other person on a pedestal. This puts the relationship under a lot of pressure. Now that you're looking through rose-tinted glasses, you'll move mountains just to prove that the relationship is all the things you want it to be. If the relationship isn't that great, you'll refuse to see it.

Instead of romanticizing the situation, pay attention to the facts. Just because someone smiles when they see you, doesn't mean that they've fallen for you. And your relationship isn't doomed just because your partner didn't return your text message for two days. It's great that you're idealistic, but whipping up fantasies that don't exist outside your own head can have all sorts of repercussions. Do you really want to be in a relationship with someone who can never live up to your expectations? Or spend the whole relationship glossing over the dark stuff and creating your own blind spots?

The only way to know for sure whether a relationship has potential is to get practical. Have a conversation or fifty before you make any judgments. It's not realistic to expect one person to be perfect, or to give you all the things you need. Try to prioritize your expectations - your must-haves and your nice-to-haves - and use that to keep your wilder fantasies in check.

Final thoughts

Even when writing this guide, I'm aware that some tips will work for you, while others will not. INFJs are so special and hard to peg down, it's difficult to give general advice that's meaningful for everyone. And if each INFJ is unique, how their relationships develop will be unique, too.

The fact is, you can't plan love. There's no one thing you can do, or say, or stop doing or saying, that will give you the perfect result. But you don't have to leave love to fate. If you're absolutely clear about what you want, and open up about those feelings, it will significantly increase the chances you will find love, and be loved more fully in return.

Jayne Thompson

Jayne is a freelance copywriter, business writing blogger and the blog editor here at Truity. One part word nerd, two parts skeptic, she helps writing-challenged clients discover the amazing power of words on a page. Jayne is an INTJ and lives in Yorkshire, UK with her ENTJ husband and two baffling children. Find Jayne at White Rose Copywriting.

Comments

Layla (not verified) says...

Thank you very much for this practical advice! I have found that when I am clear about my intentions, that guys actually appreciate it!

Liv (not verified) says...

Jayne,

I love your articles - this is another one that is SPOT ON! As an INFJ, I've experienced all of these things in relationships so can fully appreciate. Thanks for sharing with us and I look forward to reading more of your articles.

npalsensei says...

So, in short, the author says :"If you want to find love, you need to stop being INFJ at times".

Eh... No.

Lukas Krajicek (not verified) says...

I am sorry but I can´t.

Yes. We are hopeless romantics.

Yes. We are perfectionists.

Yes. We believe in true unconditional love.

Yes. We are giving everything.

That´s what we are.

We can´t move from our "comfort zone". Because it is not a comfort zone. It is as you see it. But If we do that. We betray ourselves. We betray our belief. Our freedom. Our hope. Our feelings.

Because we are here to move things.

And that´s what we do when we are ourselves.

 In our "comfort zones".

 

I´ve just ended a relationship with a woman that I deeply love. She hurt the place where INFJs are the most vulnerable and yet the strongest (INFJs know). I did my things of course (INFJs know). But .. I do love her. I always will. 

"Every passing minute is another chance to turn it all around."

That´s what INFJs believe in.

Because we are fighters. Not in a conventional way.

You don´t know who we are.

You don´t know where we are.

But you do feel us.

esvida510 says...

I get the sense it is different for men versus women, expressing and experiencing our INFJ type. Which makes sense. Some (likely all really) traits stand alone, apart from gender stereotypes, but I think "intuitive" is all the more powerful in a man, as it's rare, same goes for "feeling". However, I've seen some INFJ bashing from other types, since overall we are a rare type, and tend to exhibit symptoms of the "special snowflake" syndrome. I would avoid criticizing the author in defense of our snowflakiness, which leads me to believe a couple of commenters might be exhibiting the limitiations of youth, more than gender. As the author generously noted, since each of us is so unique, we can choose to take what is helpful and leave the rest. And if we identify as INFJ, let's be aware of representing our type in the best light. (It's so difficult not to anyway, I mean come on. A crystal glitters from any angle, no matter which way the light hits it: bam. Sparkles. Lol * joking.) Do INFJs have a sense of humor? Cuz if not, I'm pulling a JT and bringing funny back, 2017. My Irish roots took the blame for my corny jokes til now. Time to share the love. :)

Speaking of rare ... What do you get when you cross an INFJ with Irish roots? A redhead (.001% of people on earth) with the rarest personality type (1-2%). The only one who can beat that for rarity would be an African albino male infj aka my king. If you see him, tell him I'm in Cali, rallying the troops. The time is near. As Lukas would say (infjs know). Top of the list is north korea. tribe dismantle threat. in previous ages, we were the shamans, the warlocks, wizards, witches (boys do not check out on me. rpg doesn't cut it here, irl.)

oh! holy side note batman! Cue the lightbulb going off!

SF. tech bro central. D&D guys all grown up, accruing capital, no less. shit i gotta get out more... what am I saying lol, I can find them online. With their brainpower, and insider tech, we could overthrow Trump! FB ceo might just be our leader, and his pretty wife too! *claps gleefully, giggles a bit maniacally *ahem, pulls it together. (** This would be where humor comes in handy. **) For real tho people, we have GOT to organize.

Just a side note. (infjs, look for the signal and meet at the "bat cave" at 0300 hours thereafter...)

Great article! ;)

p.s.

Hey mod! Did that turn spammy? or just nutty? corny? No fries! No toast! Just saw that, lol, while deliberating delete. Feel free to edit, slash everything after "Time to share the love" as off topic. I leave it to you. <3

Subnatur (not verified) says...

Hi from a male, redhead INFJ. The only one? Your comment was delightful to read.

esvida510 (not verified) says...

I love it! Nice to know I'm not the only one. Maybe there are others even lol. We can start a sub-reddit (?) or a closed, secret FB group, or whatever the kids do nowadays to keep in touch while spinning the web, etc. ;)

eclipsedasthesun (not verified) says...

Another INFJ red head girl here! ☺️      (Scottish roots )

Nice to know there are more of our kind... Enjoying your comments :) 🧚🏻‍♀️

 

Emanuel Goldstein (not verified) says...

Jeez... that sounds like something I would say.... except i'm for trump... dig deeper... expand your gaze Holmes... expand your gaze...

esvida510 (not verified) says...

You are "for Trump"??? Really? You're for Trump, Emanuel Goldstein? Cuz I am pretty sure he ain't for you. But if it is a party preference thing,  then I admire your loyalty, and agree to disagree. Best!

Jesus Pelayo (not verified) says...

Amazing. Just amazing!

Allie45 (not verified) says...

Please elaborate! Where are INFJs most vulnerable yet strongest? What things are INFJs prone to doing that harm the relationship?

I'm a fellow INFJ looking for relationship advice.

Thanks!

SLZ (not verified) says...

Allie45, my guess:

1. Core value system.

2. Gracefully build a border at the sign of disappointment.

Guest (not verified) says...

Gracefully build a border....... 

Yes! Exactly

Damian Joel (not verified) says...

A resounding yes to ALL of this! Thank you Lukas.

Saraphina (not verified) says...

I'm an INFJ. And your seventh line...I never thought I'd hear someone else professing to think so similarly to me in that way. It's heartbreakingly satisfying to have come across someone who understands. 

Susanna (not verified) says...

Absolutely spot-on response.  Thank you!

Ferryman (not verified) says...

I was always worried about reading too much into things, it's an enormous fear of mine. I was never able to trust myself in this particular field. I have no idea how I'm looked upon by other people, especially by women. This is a blind spot for me. After reading your article I'm afraid my self-doubt has reached a new higher level. All I can do right now is to back away or remain passive in my contacts with potential partners. It's crippling, but there's no way I can trust my own judgement.

Cardboard (not verified) says...

I signed up just to reply to your comment. The last 3 sentences of your comment sum up the entirety of my love life...

Anja (not verified) says...

Thank you. This is beautiful.

Elizabeth (not verified) says...

Hmmm, very helpful and accurate. It feels healthy and clensing to read this. I'm sick of being a far-flung romantic and really crave realistic standards and practicle vision. :)

Cardboard (not verified) says...

I've noticed that I don't become particularly attracted to a woman until I've gotten to know her a bit. We don't necessarily have to be close friends, but I have to feel some level of trust and comfort before I develop any real attraction her. I also have to feel some level of trust before I share the kind of details you won't find on my Facebook page. So while I initially may just be building a genuine friendship, by the time I realize I am attracted to her, I've already been established as a friend, and they always prefer to keep it that way (or they are no longer single). It happened again recently, hence me finding this article. Plus my loner nature doesn't make things easier. People seem to like me, and I usually like them, but I don't like them enough to want to see them outside of school/work. Friends and family always tell me I should go out more often and "meet people". I honestly go out enough, just by myself, lol. Plus I've worked retail most of my adult life, I "meet people" everyday. My internal battery need time to recharge from all these people.

I have also genuinely tried putting myself out there and meeting people in social settings where the intention is to find a date, but I am not approachable or my genuine self in those types of settings. I'm not really sure how I feel about the idea of only one true love being out there for each of us. I do believe out of the billions of people on the planet, there's enough compatible people/personalities out there to make us happy; we just have to find them. I'm not desperate for a woman; I am mostly content with who I am as a person, and strive to become a better person each day, but I do desire companionship and eventually a family of my own. At 30 years old, I'd like to think I'll find her one of these days. In the meantime, I do feel better knowing that I am not alone in my mental/moral struggle.

Prospect (not verified) says...

It think that it's more difficult these days as dating seems to have become turbo charged and then there is hook up culture and Tinder.  Taking things slowly seems to belong to a long gone era.

I.  You seem to be happy in your own skin, which is great.  Is there a way you can find a less "people facing"  role. Being in such an environment does drain you over time and leaves you less energy and inclination to meet other people.

Elizabeth Solo (not verified) says...

Well, it is not actually a guide, I've already done all that stuff in the past, and the only I've got was a broken heart, again. It's so difficult for me, my friends give me advices but maybe the best for me is to giving myself a me-time and hope for the best. Practically this post says "don't be so INFJ to have a partner"

MusicienÉlégant says...

Hi, great article. I also happen to be an INFJ. Sadly, I'm too stubborn to actually want to move out of my introverted preferences. But I'm beginning to cross the fine line between aloneness to lonliness. It's just rather disheartening now. I'm a college student studying what I want to learn, so that takes my mind off of it pretty regularly. However, I happen to be searching for a partner who is or is close to an INFJ. Why. The. Heck. Again, thanks for the read!

Wawa (not verified) says...

My thoughts:

I think the article shows a pretty good understanding of how INFJs struggle. Reading the comments shows me that I am not alone :)

As others said, I also think there are potentially compatible people for me, but sometimes I feel like I'm searching for a needle in a haystack :(

Because of bad experience, I also relate to the comment about " being passive and not trusting one's own judgement":/ 

So, it's good to know I am not alone, but that doesn't make the search any easier. It's also difficult to think I may never find someone :,(

Soulfulgirl (not verified) says...

 I’ve only recently discovered that I’m an INFJ and it was so refreshing to feel finally understood .. I swear some of the articles I’ve read explain me better than I ever could! I just really struggle and question myself constantly that I’m making the right decisions because I’m so emotion led I’m up and down like a yo-yo and it’s exhausting constantly questioning myself! I think that’s why I’d rather shut the door on me and help and listen to others it’s much easier when it’s someone else’s problem but the self neglect builds up and eventually I just reach breaking point. 

Share your thoughts