The INFJ's Guide to Finding True Love

Clinically Reviewed by Steven Melendy, PsyD. on April 11, 2017

INFJs love people. They love being with them. They love forming intimate relationships with them. They love surrendering to the connection between two people when all the distance falls away and they each express themselves openly and without censorship. And they love sharing their endless warmth and sensitivity with their soulmate. As has often been observed, there's no one more loving than an INFJ in love.

Despite being capable of what Isabel Briggs Myers called "a masterpiece of insight into human relations", INFJs generally have problems with romance. They want a soul-deep connection with someone who is invested "all in" with the relationship, and can get frustrated when the other person isn't on the same wavelength as them. They're also quite slow to test the waters, and may let romantic opportunities pass them because they're scared to initiate anything. These traits combine to make casual dating a bit of a struggle. Be honest - how many times have you gotten too intense about things, or wasted too much effort over-thinking someone's intentions or reading more into a situation than was actually there?

If you're despairing that you'll ever find "the one," take heart. You can work with your personality type, not against it, with these tips for letting true love flow.

First, Take Care of Yourself

Falling in love is mesmerizing, romantic and achingly beautiful. It's also disheartening, exposing and downright scary. When are you more likely to see love as an asset and not a liability? When you're feeling comfortable in your own skin.

When you're comfortable, love feels like it can give you much more than it could hurt you. You'll care less about how others perceive you, or whether you're intelligent, attractive or accomplished enough to stand a chance with someone. Instead, you'll be open to trying new things simply for your own personal experience. INFJs are known to be self-sacrificing in their relationships. It's easy for an INFJ to throw their entire being into something or someone, but you need a healthy balance.

So, take care of yourself as much as you can. Be your own person and do the things you enjoy instead of force-fitting yourself to other people's standards. Then, when you find someone who "gets" you, you can be sure that it's the real you they're attracted to, and start building on that solid foundation.

Where You Go Matters

People who gather in the places you enjoy visiting share something in common with you. Since you're looking for a soul bond with someone, and not simply a casual fling, it makes sense to connect with people who share the same interests. But it's also worth stepping out of your comfort zone just enough to meet new people. Perhaps you could join a group, take a class, or accept invitations to hang out with people you may not know very well - these are good ways of widening your social circle. If you're lucky, you'll stumble across a loyal, authentic and intriguing Extravert who'll do all the running in the dating phase, and bring out the best in you. ENTPs and ENFPs are especially compatible since, like you, these types lead with intuition.

If there's a voice in your head pleading with you to stay home and watch Netflix, you may have to silence it. You'll likely have to date multiple people, and go through a series of trial and error, before you find 'the one.' So, engage with life. You never know who you might be about to meet.

Make Your Intentions Clear

A big INFJ problem is that your intentions aren't always clear to others. If you rely on subtle hints and signals to confess your feelings, be sure that the object of your affection will have no idea how you feel. Through no fault of their own, other people simply can't intuit, or mindread, or analyze as deeply as you can. That special smile you reserve only for your significant other? He probably thinks it's trapped gas.

Taking things slowly is good. But if you want to get out of the friend zone, you're going to have to be more obvious, even if it feels shallow. Write everything down first, if that helps to clarify your thoughts. When you've made sense of those bottled emotions, pluck up the courage to talk to your significant other in a way that won't completely overwhelm them.

Opening up can be terrifying, and of course you're exposing yourself to the possibility of rejection. But most INFJs find that the tension of holding things in is harder than the sting of an awkward conversation. Finding out for sure if someone is interested in you is a huge relief and can help you put your relationships on the right path - romantic or platonic. For INFJs, good friendships are not a consolation prize!

Curb The Crazy Idealism

Most INFJs yearn to find their one true relationship with that one special person, and unfortunately that can make you gullible when it comes to the people you love and trust. There's a risk that you'll idealize the relationship and put the other person on a pedestal. This puts the relationship under a lot of pressure. Now that you're looking through rose-tinted glasses, you'll move mountains just to prove that the relationship is all the things you want it to be. If the relationship isn't that great, you'll refuse to see it.

Instead of romanticizing the situation, pay attention to the facts. Just because someone smiles when they see you, doesn't mean that they've fallen for you. And your relationship isn't doomed just because your partner didn't return your text message for two days. It's great that you're idealistic, but whipping up fantasies that don't exist outside your own head can have all sorts of repercussions. Do you really want to be in a relationship with someone who can never live up to your expectations? Or spend the whole relationship glossing over the dark stuff and creating your own blind spots?

The only way to know for sure whether a relationship has potential is to get practical. Have a conversation or fifty before you make any judgments. It's not realistic to expect one person to be perfect, or to give you all the things you need. Try to prioritize your expectations - your must-haves and your nice-to-haves - and use that to keep your wilder fantasies in check.

Final thoughts

Even when writing this guide, I'm aware that some tips will work for you, while others will not. INFJs are so special and hard to peg down, it's difficult to give general advice that's meaningful for everyone. And if each INFJ is unique, how their relationships develop will be unique, too.

The fact is, you can't plan love. There's no one thing you can do, or say, or stop doing or saying, that will give you the perfect result. But you don't have to leave love to fate. If you're absolutely clear about what you want, and open up about those feelings, it will significantly increase the chances you will find love, and be loved more fully in return.

Jayne Thompson

Jayne is a B2B tech copywriter and the editorial director here at Truity. When she’s not writing to a deadline, she’s geeking out about personality psychology and conspiracy theories. Jayne is a true ambivert, barely an INTJ, and an Enneagram One. She lives with her husband and daughters in the UK. Find Jayne at White Rose Copywriting.

More from this author...
About the Clinical Reviewer

Steven Melendy, PsyD., is a Clinical Psychologist who received his doctorate from The Wright Institute in Berkeley, California. He specializes in using evidence-based approaches in his work with individuals and groups. Steve has worked with diverse populations and in variety of a settings, from community clinics to SF General Hospital. He believes strongly in the importance of self-care, good friendships, and humor whenever possible.


Layla (not verified) says...

Thank you very much for this practical advice! I have found that when I am clear about my intentions, that guys actually appreciate it!

Lebohang (not verified) says...

I'm beginning to understand infjs more better now

Liv (not verified) says...


I love your articles - this is another one that is SPOT ON! As an INFJ, I've experienced all of these things in relationships so can fully appreciate. Thanks for sharing with us and I look forward to reading more of your articles.

npalsensei says...

So, in short, the author says :"If you want to find love, you need to stop being INFJ at times".

Eh... No.

Lukas Krajicek (not verified) says...

I am sorry but I can´t.

Yes. We are hopeless romantics.

Yes. We are perfectionists.

Yes. We believe in true unconditional love.

Yes. We are giving everything.

That´s what we are.

We can´t move from our "comfort zone". Because it is not a comfort zone. It is as you see it. But If we do that. We betray ourselves. We betray our belief. Our freedom. Our hope. Our feelings.

Because we are here to move things.

And that´s what we do when we are ourselves.

 In our "comfort zones".


I´ve just ended a relationship with a woman that I deeply love. She hurt the place where INFJs are the most vulnerable and yet the strongest (INFJs know). I did my things of course (INFJs know). But .. I do love her. I always will. 

"Every passing minute is another chance to turn it all around."

That´s what INFJs believe in.

Because we are fighters. Not in a conventional way.

You don´t know who we are.

You don´t know where we are.

But you do feel us.

esvida510 says...

I get the sense it is different for men versus women, expressing and experiencing our INFJ type. Which makes sense. Some (likely all really) traits stand alone, apart from gender stereotypes, but I think "intuitive" is all the more powerful in a man, as it's rare, same goes for "feeling". However, I've seen some INFJ bashing from other types, since overall we are a rare type, and tend to exhibit symptoms of the "special snowflake" syndrome. I would avoid criticizing the author in defense of our snowflakiness, which leads me to believe a couple of commenters might be exhibiting the limitiations of youth, more than gender. As the author generously noted, since each of us is so unique, we can choose to take what is helpful and leave the rest. And if we identify as INFJ, let's be aware of representing our type in the best light. (It's so difficult not to anyway, I mean come on. A crystal glitters from any angle, no matter which way the light hits it: bam. Sparkles. Lol * joking.) Do INFJs have a sense of humor? Cuz if not, I'm pulling a JT and bringing funny back, 2017. My Irish roots took the blame for my corny jokes til now. Time to share the love. :)

Speaking of rare ... What do you get when you cross an INFJ with Irish roots? A redhead (.001% of people on earth) with the rarest personality type (1-2%). The only one who can beat that for rarity would be an African albino male infj aka my king. If you see him, tell him I'm in Cali, rallying the troops. The time is near. As Lukas would say (infjs know). Top of the list is north korea. tribe dismantle threat. in previous ages, we were the shamans, the warlocks, wizards, witches (boys do not check out on me. rpg doesn't cut it here, irl.)

oh! holy side note batman! Cue the lightbulb going off!

SF. tech bro central. D&D guys all grown up, accruing capital, no less. shit i gotta get out more... what am I saying lol, I can find them online. With their brainpower, and insider tech, we could overthrow Trump! FB ceo might just be our leader, and his pretty wife too! *claps gleefully, giggles a bit maniacally *ahem, pulls it together. (** This would be where humor comes in handy. **) For real tho people, we have GOT to organize.

Just a side note. (infjs, look for the signal and meet at the "bat cave" at 0300 hours thereafter...)

Great article! ;)


Hey mod! Did that turn spammy? or just nutty? corny? No fries! No toast! Just saw that, lol, while deliberating delete. Feel free to edit, slash everything after "Time to share the love" as off topic. I leave it to you. <3

Subnatur (not verified) says...

Hi from a male, redhead INFJ. The only one? Your comment was delightful to read.

esvida510 (not verified) says...

I love it! Nice to know I'm not the only one. Maybe there are others even lol. We can start a sub-reddit (?) or a closed, secret FB group, or whatever the kids do nowadays to keep in touch while spinning the web, etc. ;)

eclipsedasthesun (not verified) says...

Another INFJ red head girl here! ☺️      (Scottish roots )

Nice to know there are more of our kind... Enjoying your comments :) ??‍♀️


Emanuel Goldstein (not verified) says...

Jeez... that sounds like something I would say.... except i'm for trump... dig deeper... expand your gaze Holmes... expand your gaze...

esvida510 (not verified) says...

You are "for Trump"??? Really? You're for Trump, Emanuel Goldstein? Cuz I am pretty sure he ain't for you. But if it is a party preference thing,  then I admire your loyalty, and agree to disagree. Best!

Blownawayinfj (not verified) says...

This has got to be the most fascinating thing ever! A few weeks back there was this moment when everything I’ve ever learned kind of opened up! This was the second I was listening to the developmental stages of infj and that done something! The reflection and understanding combined must have aligned as I no longer (unfortunately at 44) that this is something more! This awakening has allowed me to see. Rust all clear things that have not happened yet but in a clear cut and detailed fashion, I am able to easily seee world systems and details ( though I am educated, it does help), to a deeper level and all in a fluid motion! Like I’m able to see this game unfolding and the intricacies of the game is so wild and no one appreciates that insight! I’m baffled, or at least I was! I wish I knew how we were able to see things others can’t but ain’t arguing lol! It’s happening and I know I’m not an accident at ALL! I’m enjoying this insight into how our minds process data! Never thought I’d be so proud to be a NERD lmao!

Blownawayinfj (not verified) says...

Sorry if a few words are out of order! These thoughts fly out and I misspell because of auto correct lol

CMuckey (not verified) says...

I agree with you. Recently lived through a break up with an ex and had no idea what MBTI personality traits were until Pinterest popped up INFJ - like it was supposed to happen at this very moment at 34. The past 60 days have been a struggle living with an ex and not wanting to be a burden to them, not understanding that I am in able to share myself when forced, giving and caring solely for this person, and losing myself because of such care - I’m rare, extremely rare, have an Eyeopening experience as far as what U can give in a relationship and what I wish I would have done knowing what I have learned. This is magical information and I hope now that I can find a husband that understands me for me. It’s pretty amazing. 

Jesus Pelayo (not verified) says...

Amazing. Just amazing!

Leboke Solex (not verified) says...

I enjoyed reading through your post. for a second I thought that be me typing all that crap just so I can make one point Anyway am in South Africa and haven't seen thah male albino infj but if I do Imma hit you on mail

Allie45 (not verified) says...

Please elaborate! Where are INFJs most vulnerable yet strongest? What things are INFJs prone to doing that harm the relationship?

I'm a fellow INFJ looking for relationship advice.


SLZ (not verified) says...

Allie45, my guess:

1. Core value system.

2. Gracefully build a border at the sign of disappointment.

Guest (not verified) says...

Gracefully build a border....... 

Yes! Exactly

Evelyn Beverley (not verified) says...

INFJ superpower - intuitive empathic sensitivity beyond conventional means to measure.  To others, skill boardering on psychic ability.  My body will react before my mind consciously grasps what is happening.  Why is my bad shoulder aching 'for no reason'?  There is always a reason.  Why is my stomach 'in knots', life is great right now?  I'll find out.  Why has this person suddenly made my skin crawl?  (I prefer to run away...)  Why did my foot come off the gas pedal and onto the brakes just thirty seconds before cresting a hill and running through radar trap?  I've put a lot of time into emotional self care over the years because there was nobody in my life who knew how to help or mentor me, except my partners.  My relationships have always been extrodinary.  The number of long term partners I've had: 3. Time between these extrodinary relationships:  5 years.  Five years of looking.  Five years in the wildness that is our vacuous short sighted emotionally unsophisticated society (although it is slowly getting better); five years in some sort of emotional purgatory.   At this stage of my life I can tell in as little as five minutes on first meeting you what the next ten years our relationship will most certainly be like.  Let's say you and your SO climbed mount Everest together.  By your selves, alone, you reached the top of the world.  And then one day your partner is gone.  And you talk to other people and they say, "Oh, I'm super experienced.  I climbed Mount Pimple last summer, in the afternoon after we played frisbee golf at the camp ground", and your heart just sinks.  You want to grab them by their shirt collar and scream at their face "We scaled Mount Everest together you Moron!  Why can't you know that without me having to spoon feed you the details?  Do you have even the slightest grasp of what that experience is like?  A three day non-stop orgasm and acid trip that blasted us through space and time, taking us to the limits of our physical bodies!"  But of course you don't, you just lower your blood preasure, smile and ask, "How was it?" and people wonder why you always seem oddly distant.

Damian Joel (not verified) says...

A resounding yes to ALL of this! Thank you Lukas.

Saraphina (not verified) says...

I'm an INFJ. And your seventh line...I never thought I'd hear someone else professing to think so similarly to me in that way. It's heartbreakingly satisfying to have come across someone who understands. 

Susanna (not verified) says...

Absolutely spot-on response.  Thank you!

Mathew (not verified) says...

What is this place that infjs are hurt the most? Iam really curious. Ive done so much reading and everything about infjs relates to me massively. When I read ypur post, I straight away thought 'authenticity'. Your ex lied to you or appeared as something shes not. Thats what someone did to me, I intuitively knew, but my low self esteem didnt allow me to believe it. I have learnt alot through my experience, but would love someone to be as authentic as I am with them. It seems we infjs can come accross a breathe of fresh aie to some users, and some will do anything to keep you in their lives - even lie and come across as being ready and available when theyre not. It so damn hurt to know she wasnt 'all in' and just enjoyed my attention, but I could see it coming a mile off. Im new to relationships btw. I would have so been a meaningful friend to her if I could discern where I stood, but because she gave me no clarity I can not stand anywhere with her. Shes gone! I hate insincerity and deception! Too painfully ambiguous to maintain a connection that has no authenticity, impossible in fact!

Martina Elle (not verified) says...

Honestly, I'm reading this years later - and this shit is spot on* You inspired me to make my first internet comment, which I never fucken do because it's a waste of time --but this isn't.

What hit me in my chest and landed like a piece in the puzzle was when you said:

"We can´t move from our "comfort zone." Because it is not a comfort zone. It is as you see it. But If we do that, we betray ourselves. We betray our belief. Our freedom. Our hope. Our feelings. Because we are here to move things," and "Every passing minute is another chance to turn it all around." That´s what INFJs believe in. Because we are fighters. Not in a conventional way. You don´t know who we are. You don´t know where we are. But you do feel us."

I got the chills from reading it. Because you're so right. I think INFJ energy balances a lot of the unhealthy shit in the world with their soul-knowledge and conscious mind. Our hearts radiate such energy that at times, we can affect entire* rooms with our intention (and beyond if we tried). It's not far off when they say INFJs are magical. Being able to sit in this dimension and space and connect with higher energy dimension and interpret that into the here and now and act/think with conscious, loving thoughts is a fucking superpower.

I think there is no 'comfort zone,' rather - we are* the zone and affect it how we feel/think/act. It's a difficult concept to be connected with everyone and maintain boundaries (in so many ways), so that's why it's hard to not be 'hopeless' romantics; but I don't think we are hopeless in the unhealthy sense. I think we are eternal romantics that live to share and express love at its deepest level.

If a person isn't at that level, it can feel really forced or require a lot to speak with them so what others call 'picky,' we call not our vibrational match. Often times, maybe we forget to put out that signal and draw in that match so I think good advice would be to turn what we want for humanity towards our Self too because INFJs can often neglect their Self by being so busy saving others, they forget to be good to themselves.

I think a lot of people can misjudge, dislike, or be uncomfortable around us. We're mirrors for others to seek what's within their hearts. It's not easy to look at yourself and acknowledge your shit and want to do and be* better. I think INFJs are born to raise the frequency of the world to love and acceptance through whichever way we feel we will touch the most amount of people's lives. Honestly, we're just fucken cool. 

Mel Also (not verified) says...

And now it's my turn to tell you how spot-on *your* comment is! I too got chills when I read your comment (and then read it again, and then bookmarked it). Thank you for sharing your transcendent insights, Martina Elle.

Personally, it's incredibly encouraging to realize and affirm that there's much more (joy, satisfaction, wonder, impact) out there for INFJs like me to experience in abundance...much more than simply finding "the one." We already have - and are very skilled at transmitting - true love! Thanks for the reminder to direct it towards ourselves sometimes too.

Holly P (not verified) says...

Wow Martina what a beautiful comment! I normally never reply on websites, as someone else wrote, I dont see the point (that made me laugh so hard, man I need to find more INFJ friends to get my humor/honesty), but your comment was so spot on. When I meet people and I reach into them and want to feel them, I read them in ways that words dont make sense and cant explain. If I feel emptiness it sometimes actually creeps me out, like what is this dead soul, and how are they walking around?? What do they do inside their head and body without a soul?? Its like feeling death. Dont get me started if I get trapped into a conversation with them, sooo uncomfortable. If I feel walls sometimes thats okay, but I try to feel out why the wall is there and how they built it. Like, is it a wall and they'll be slow to peek over the side of it (I can work with that) or is it a wall that they throw flaming poo over the side of (uck no thank you please stop). Dating as an INFJ is really, really hard. And emotional. But we have so much to give, and I think are some of the most loving types out there.

Anyway. Thank you for sharing <3

Chaunnie Jai (not verified) says...

I've been truly struggling in life and in all of my relationships. I've felt alone for a very long time but let me just say, this comment brought me so mcuh validation and peace. I will accept myself. I deserve life. I deserve to find happiness. I will not betray myself to be someone I'm not. I will continue to love, to tell the truth, and to learn about myself and God/"the universe" even if the deepest parts of myself have to walk that journey alone. Sending peace and love your way. 

JJlovescouture (not verified) says...

Beautifully put:) I love hearing from and connecting with other INFJs. I too have struggled in relationships and now I'm kinda indifferent to them or willing to rather embrace my life's journey & purpose with accepting that I may not find "the one". With all that I've read about us, it would indeed make relationships challenging; for most simply cannot reach the depths of our hearts & souls in a consistently meaningful way without perhaps finding the depths too deep? I dont know for sure. But I have been enjoying the journey of getting to better know and love myself. 

Andrewjsl (not verified) says...

Finally found someone that knows my struggle.

The move. It's not me. I can't do it because it's hard not being myself. I can't pretend also and I hate this!!

Guest (not verified) says...

These words gave way to my thoughts—very clear and crisp description.

Ferryman (not verified) says...

I was always worried about reading too much into things, it's an enormous fear of mine. I was never able to trust myself in this particular field. I have no idea how I'm looked upon by other people, especially by women. This is a blind spot for me. After reading your article I'm afraid my self-doubt has reached a new higher level. All I can do right now is to back away or remain passive in my contacts with potential partners. It's crippling, but there's no way I can trust my own judgement.

Cardboard (not verified) says...

I signed up just to reply to your comment. The last 3 sentences of your comment sum up the entirety of my love life...

Loo (not verified) says...

I understand how hard that must be but please dont let this stop you, part of this labelling game (i.e infj) is about self awareness not as a fait a complis - but as a tool to push yourself to try strategies to balance yourself when things are very difficult for you.  Simply put, you could just tell yourself you’d like to get to know someone better rather than the usual serious romantic brain montage, try to stick to that goal only mentally, then say to them ‘do you fancy a coffee sometime? I enjoy chatting with you.’ It just gets you to stage 1.  If they do want to go to coffee, you can get to know them a little better and decide whether you’d like to ask them out again and you’ve got the option of making that invite a date then. But it buys time and takes a little of pressure off, and if they say no or don’t get back to you. Hey ho. You were brave and awesome for asking.  Don’t give up x

Anja (not verified) says...

Thank you. This is beautiful.

Elizabeth (not verified) says...

Hmmm, very helpful and accurate. It feels healthy and clensing to read this. I'm sick of being a far-flung romantic and really crave realistic standards and practicle vision. :)

Cardboard (not verified) says...

I've noticed that I don't become particularly attracted to a woman until I've gotten to know her a bit. We don't necessarily have to be close friends, but I have to feel some level of trust and comfort before I develop any real attraction her. I also have to feel some level of trust before I share the kind of details you won't find on my Facebook page. So while I initially may just be building a genuine friendship, by the time I realize I am attracted to her, I've already been established as a friend, and they always prefer to keep it that way (or they are no longer single). It happened again recently, hence me finding this article. Plus my loner nature doesn't make things easier. People seem to like me, and I usually like them, but I don't like them enough to want to see them outside of school/work. Friends and family always tell me I should go out more often and "meet people". I honestly go out enough, just by myself, lol. Plus I've worked retail most of my adult life, I "meet people" everyday. My internal battery need time to recharge from all these people.

I have also genuinely tried putting myself out there and meeting people in social settings where the intention is to find a date, but I am not approachable or my genuine self in those types of settings. I'm not really sure how I feel about the idea of only one true love being out there for each of us. I do believe out of the billions of people on the planet, there's enough compatible people/personalities out there to make us happy; we just have to find them. I'm not desperate for a woman; I am mostly content with who I am as a person, and strive to become a better person each day, but I do desire companionship and eventually a family of my own. At 30 years old, I'd like to think I'll find her one of these days. In the meantime, I do feel better knowing that I am not alone in my mental/moral struggle.

Prospect (not verified) says...

It think that it's more difficult these days as dating seems to have become turbo charged and then there is hook up culture and Tinder.  Taking things slowly seems to belong to a long gone era.

I.  You seem to be happy in your own skin, which is great.  Is there a way you can find a less "people facing"  role. Being in such an environment does drain you over time and leaves you less energy and inclination to meet other people.

Elizabeth Solo (not verified) says...

Well, it is not actually a guide, I've already done all that stuff in the past, and the only I've got was a broken heart, again. It's so difficult for me, my friends give me advices but maybe the best for me is to giving myself a me-time and hope for the best. Practically this post says "don't be so INFJ to have a partner"

MusicienÉlégant says...

Hi, great article. I also happen to be an INFJ. Sadly, I'm too stubborn to actually want to move out of my introverted preferences. But I'm beginning to cross the fine line between aloneness to lonliness. It's just rather disheartening now. I'm a college student studying what I want to learn, so that takes my mind off of it pretty regularly. However, I happen to be searching for a partner who is or is close to an INFJ. Why. The. Heck. Again, thanks for the read!

Wawa (not verified) says...

My thoughts:

I think the article shows a pretty good understanding of how INFJs struggle. Reading the comments shows me that I am not alone :)

As others said, I also think there are potentially compatible people for me, but sometimes I feel like I'm searching for a needle in a haystack :(

Because of bad experience, I also relate to the comment about " being passive and not trusting one's own judgement":/ 

So, it's good to know I am not alone, but that doesn't make the search any easier. It's also difficult to think I may never find someone :,(

Soulfulgirl (not verified) says...

 I’ve only recently discovered that I’m an INFJ and it was so refreshing to feel finally understood .. I swear some of the articles I’ve read explain me better than I ever could! I just really struggle and question myself constantly that I’m making the right decisions because I’m so emotion led I’m up and down like a yo-yo and it’s exhausting constantly questioning myself! I think that’s why I’d rather shut the door on me and help and listen to others it’s much easier when it’s someone else’s problem but the self neglect builds up and eventually I just reach breaking point. 

Leerinox (not verified) says...

I know what you mean, and I’ve also only recently discovered I’m an infj. I’ve had to continually figure myself out over the years. I always find that when things in life become more and more stressful I tend to put myself on the backburner and help other people with their stress. It was easier and felt like the right thing to do: helping others. But you do reach this breaking point, where that inner tension becomes too taut and too overwhelming. I’ve found that forcing myself to sut down and creating something (paiting, drawing, or writing for me) has helped alot. It makes me confront how I’m feeling in an indirect way, and gives me something to be proud of afterwards. I find that when I’m taking care of myself I can feel out the right thing to do, and not doubt my every move. Its never easy, but you aren’t alone. I hope this was helpful!

Graham S. (not verified) says...

I have settled for second best twice in my life, and I have wasted my life. Second best is nothing. No depth, no bond, nothing special. Like being married to a friend. So from now on, it's soul mate or solo.

Lianna (not verified) says...

I am an infj still waiting for love. One thing that I have found is that men fall very easily for me. Because I love connecting with people and can easily talk to pretty much anyone (and show kindness), men often seem to mistake it as a romantic connection. This is getting very frustrating for me! I think I need to speak up for myself more and say what I am actually feeling.

Prospect (not verified) says...

I used to find the same thing.  Men liked me because I was very much like you Lianna, in that I wanted to connect and I was a good listener.

But as an INFJ, the setting of boundaries is of prime importance. Maybe you need to develop your energetic (as well as physical) boundaries, so that your energy is properly channelled and understood by those around you.

Gipsy infj (not verified) says...

The real problem we have its the fact we can’t wait to become 100% who we are destinate to be.the secret it’s to be able to achieve that level by ourselves,and then after we can look around us and correctly choose the rigth person.kindess it’s kindness clear like the water.the animals and the kids are the purest energy doesn’t make mistakes whit us.humans are malicious so read them before let them “mistakes” your kindness whit something  else...

qbek (not verified) says...

I have the same problem but reverse, no one fall for me :c (male here)

Walter (not verified) says...

INFJ male who found a partner using an on-line dating profile.

I would recommend not using INFJ in your profile.  You are more than your MBTI and since you can express yourself well through writing, let yourself come through.  And an arbitratory word/character limit (maybe 500 words) and keep reworking until you get down to that level.  Talk about your vision of the future with your future partner since this is something at which you'll excel.

And then use a site that let's you search for keyword.  In my opinion, someone who mentions being "patient" is a person worth pursuing regardless of their MBTI.  A patient person will be understanding while you are both in your mental cave and explaing that you are in your cave.

Fred S (not verified) says...

late to the party, but i found myself laughing (literally) out loud at "Now that you're looking through rose-tinted glasses, you'll move mountains just to prove that the relationship is all the things you want it to be. If the relationship isn't that great, you'll refuse to see it..."

i've spent more than a few years at a time in this exact spot, then dismayed when the whole thing, built of cards, gets knocked down and my heart broken again. 

thanks for some insight and actionable suggestions - i think a huge part of becoming more resilient as a person, but particularly as an INFJ, is doing the deep inner work to heal childhood traumas (which come easier to us as we're so goddamn sensitive lol) and reparenting the inner child and/or overly idealistic teen. this has been incredibly rewarding for me. perhaps i'll report back if/when i enter into the next romantic relationship. be at peace, y'all.

Anins (not verified) says...

Hi... I'am an INFJ, and I dont thing thats all  true. I appreciate that you tried to sum up all of our uniqueness of INFJ. I just want to say that all that listed above is true but you can change and take control of it. I'm a growth mindset follower.

Its true that in earlier struggling of love, It's very hard to find a mate. I tried to find someone that match with my crietria and I want to feel safe. I remember how difficult it is when someone that match my criteria is someone I dont have feeling for. So I ended up "growth" my feeling for him because I know he will match for me. 

But now I'm in happy realtionship with him. He is the only one that can understand me as INFJ. He knew that my Fe make me sacriface myself and more put effort on helping others. I dont like conflict and want to maintain harmony, even it means I have to keep my negative thought about others in mind. He is the one who can make me feel "safe" even if I say my negative and others private thought. 

We still have some difficulties in Ni and Si, but he tried to understand and accept my too-much imagination, as well as I tried to understand why fact is matters so much.

The openness is very important role for INFJ to feel happy, in my oppinion.

Amanda SH (not verified) says...

I thought my ENFP boyfriend was my soulmate.... my first and last love. It sounds stupid and hopelessly blind... but I truly found a person who understood and connected with me in ways I never had with anyone.... even my own family. There were mistakes and flaws on both our parts, we are human after all, and I never expected for a perfect relationship no matter how idealistic my INFJ self was. Yet, he broke it off with me because he couldn't understand me fully. He said that he could never really get to me... that I wasn't vulnerable enough, that it felt like I was always going to have my guards up and never let it down. 

It broke me really. Not how the relationship ended.... but how he choose to gave up on us, how he choose to gave up on me. INFJs love with all their hearts.... but I wonder if we'll ever be able to receive even a quarter of the love we give. 

As INFJs, I guess we all live on trying our best to love and risk having our hearts broken beyond repair because that is how we love.

To love, or not at all.

Zelkova (not verified) says...

It's kinda hopeless, maybe I should find someone same as me, infj with infj. I'm a male, ladies let's get to know. Dm me thru insta victor_ragnov

Celestin (not verified) says...

What i learned through out these years is that, we need to learn to love ourself, to be able to receive someone love. Hard to do as you may know. But practicing meditation has opened my mind and chane to an extend my way of being in relationship. 

Brad (not verified) says...

Holy holy super wow guess I'm like 3 4 maybe even a solid 5 years behind this WHOLE thing but, like really super wow I kinda new I was INFJ a while back but stumbled on a random video about INFJ males and then was dumbfounded to see the rarity of such a type and then I googled it and then I saw this site and now I don't feel as alone, lol big lol I'm a ginger as well so yeah that's apparently a thing to. Man give us a chance and we will change the world for the better whether you like it or not 😂 joking but am I? Great article great people many thanks many many many thanks really opened my eyes to myself I guess!

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