How to Show Intimacy as an Enneagram Type 3
In the universe of the Enneagram type 3, intimacy may be sought and desired, but not found. Like everyone else, the Enneagram 3 will enter their romantic relationships hoping to develop a deep and meaningful connection with their partner. But there is no guarantee they will find that level of intimacy if they allow certain self-generated obstacles to interfere.
The great news for Enneagram type 3s is that they are as capable of forming authentically intimate relationships as anyone else. The bad news is that these high achievers often let other things get in the way, as they either push intimacy with their partner too far down their list of priorities, or they fail to make it a priority at all.
What is the Real Meaning of Intimacy?
To be intimate means to let your guard down with the one you love, while creating a safe and loving space where they can feel free to do the same. When a romantic relationship reaches the stage where each actor is comfortable doing this, that is a partnership that can last for the duration.
Intimacy can be displayed in a variety of circumstances. The different types include emotional, sexual, intellectual, experiential, and spiritual intimacy, and the best relationships will combine all five to create a highly satisfying and uplifting shared living experience.
If you are an Enneagram type 3, intimacy of the most comforting and gratifying kind is within your grasp. Your failures to achieve it aren’t the end of the story, but only one chapter in a long tale that could still have a happy ending.
Four Tips for a New and Improved Enneagram Type 3 Intimacy
Your desire to show intimacy in your romantic relationships can empower you to actually do it. Some adjustments in your thinking will be required, and you’ll have to start making some different choices when your partner is in your presence. But you can learn how to demonstrate caring affection and loving acceptance in a way that will absolutely help you develop a more intimate relationship.
If you’re ready to fix your Enneagram type 3 intimacy problem, here’s how to go about it:
When possibilities for intimacy arise, don’t just go through the motions
Enneagram 3s are known for being eloquent, charming, and charismatic. These are attractive qualities, and they are likely a major part of what drew your partner to you in the beginning.
But sometimes, Enneagram type 3s may fall back on their charm as a replacement for true intimacy. If you’ve followed this path, you may find yourself switching into cruise control mode on occasion when you’re alone with your partner. You’ll pretend to be engaged and listening to their private thoughts and feelings, when you’re actually distracted by some other situation, problem, or life challenge.
You may want intimacy in theory. But in practice, as a super-busy Enneagram type 3, intimacy may sometimes be the furthest thing from your mind. When intimacy is expected or anticipated at these times, you’ll resort to rhetorical tricks backed by a naturally friendly personality to hide your true level of detachment.
You may not realize you’ve been doing this. But the chances are your partner will have noticed, since they know you so much better than others who might be fooled by your smoothness and charm. They’ll detect something flat and insincere in your words and gestures in those moments, and they may see your thinly concealed (to them) disengagement as a lack of true commitment on your part.
Fortunately, your tendency to become distracted when in intimate settings can be addressed. When potentially intimate moments arrive, you’ll simply have to make the decision to be fully there with your partner, in body, mind, soul, and spirit. You must consciously choose to put the needs of your relationship before everything else, at least in those special moments. Once you begin doing this frequently, greater intimacy should emerge naturally out of your attentive and thoughtful behavior.
For the Enneagram type 3, intimacy is an outgrowth of focus. You can develop your focus in this area through practice and commitment.
Become a better listener
No matter how badly you want to improve the intimacy in your relationship, you won’t be able to do it if you don’t know what your partner truly wants and needs. You shouldn’t try to guess what they want, and you certainly shouldn’t assume they want the exact same things as you.
Too much self-absorption can lead you down the false assumption path. This can be a problem for Enneagram 3s in relationships at times, and if you fall into that category you need to focus on dramatically improving your listening skills.
To get the intimacy ball rolling, you must teach yourself to truly listen, so you can comprehend what your loved one is telling you (and also notice what they’re not telling you) during your private moments together. Both the said and the unsaid may contain subtle messages that the inattentive and self-absorbed listener will miss, but the attentive and unselfish listener will notice right away.
If you haven’t been a good listener up to now, the only way to reverse that situation is to practice every day until you get it right. Becoming an active listener in a relationship means focusing intently on every word your loved one says, and then following their statements and proclamations up with questions and opinions that touch on all the issues raised. This type of process can be incredibly informative and enlightening, and as an achievement-oriented Enneagram type 3 you’ll enjoy the opportunity to flex your newfound listening muscles once they begin to develop in earnest.
Pride in your improved performance notwithstanding, training yourself to become a better listener is really not about you. If you can learn how to interpret your partner’s words, vocal tones, and body language properly, your capacity to please them by meeting their most essential and intimate needs will be dramatically improved.
Make time in your schedule for intimate moments
For those who’ve perfected the art of intimacy in their relationships, intimate moments can happen at any time and in any place or context. As such they reveal the existence of a profound spiritual connection, which can produce spontaneous and wildly satisfying mental, emotional, and physical interactions.
When intimacy is neglected for too long, however, the spontaneous instinct may slip away. People who’ve lacked intimacy in their relationships for too long may be too anchored to their routines to do much of anything on the spur of the moment. This can be a big issue for Enneagram 3s, who are often so busy that they get used to doing absolutely everything according to a schedule or routine.
Because they are so schedule-oriented, for the Enneagram type 3 intimacy regeneration may be impossible without an organized plan of action. An Enneagram 3 who desires more intimacy can try to schedule time for it on a daily or weekly basis, just like they do for everything else. Reserving time for intimacy, whether it involves sharing on an emotional, spiritual, physical, sexual, or experiential level, is one way to break a cycle of neglect that is likely to continue unless assertive action is taken to stop it.
It may seem counterintuitive to try to schedule intimacy. That would seem to turn it into an obligation instead of a free choice, robbing it of the spontaneous element instead of trying to bring that back.
But this view is shortsighted. It’s a fact of psychology that people tend to default to familiar behaviors if they don’t design a good plan of action for change. Your decision to make time in your schedule for intimate, private moments reveals your sincere interest in developing more intimacy in your relationship, and that intention can be highly empowering in any circumstance.
Over time, planning your intimate moments will begin to have additional benefits. Once you make your pursuit of intimacy a regular habit, the positive feelings that decision generates and the wonderful times it helps create will leave you wanting more. You’ll begin seeking out more unscheduled intimate experiences with your partner, and that will gradually restore the spontaneous element of your relationship that you’d seemed to have lost forever.
Admit to the feelings of vulnerability that may be holding you back
Enneagram 3s want to be acknowledged and respected, which explains their dedication to achievement. In the context of their closest relationships, they want to be cherished and loved, which is another type of acknowledgement altogether.
Unfortunately, these needs can leave an Enneagram 3 feeling vulnerable in many situations. Even those they presumably trust the most can bring out those emotions.
If you are an Enneagram type 3, intimacy can be hard to achieve if your vulnerability is deeply rooted. Intellectually, you may believe your partner loves you, accepts you, and supports you. But subconsciously, you may still have doubts. This leaves you with a nagging feeling of uncertainty that stays with you all the time. You may hold back during potentially intimate encounters as a result, too afraid of revealing something that might cause your loved one to reject or criticize you.
These feelings can be difficult to overcome, because they are so pervasive. But there is a way to address this type of vulnerability, and that is to directly defy it, by talking about it openly with your partner. You should admit you feel vulnerable a lot of the time, and describe the circumstances that provoke those feelings. You should seek your loved one’s feedback as the discussion unfolds and answer any questions they might have about why you struggle with such issues.
This approach will take the stigma off those feelings of vulnerability that have plagued you for far too long. In fact, speaking honestly and without reservation about feelings like this is the perfect example of what true emotional intimacy is all about. This would be you letting your guard down and letting your partner in, and the reassurance and understanding you receive in return will function as the perfect antidote to your feelings of vulnerability and insecurity.
