Parenting is challenging enough, but if your child has a much different personality type than yours, it can be even harder. And if your child is an INFP, one of the rarer – and more perplexing – personality types, parenting may seem especially daunting.

Though each INFP child, like any INFP, is different, they do have many traits in common. One of those traits is that many traditional parenting techniques just don’t work well for them. It will help both of you if you see their unique qualities as strengths to be developed and honed, not flaws to be hammered out. 

For an INFP child, acceptance is vital. By gently guiding them to be their best selves, without trying to make them be something they’re not, you can make a positive difference that will help take some of the pain out of their childhood experiences and pave the way for a happy and fulfilled adulthood.

So here are a few things you might want to do – or not do – when parenting an INFP child. 

#1: Don’t tell them not to be so sensitive, impractical, imaginative, different…

First, you’re implying that how they are is wrong or unlovable. Second, you’re assuming they can just switch their basic nature off. Both can do harm and cause them to feel frustrated and rejected. You’ll feel frustrated too if you think they’re not doing it “right” and you need to make them change.

Note: Not only do INFPs tend to be sensitive in an emotional sense, many are also highly sensitive persons. This means their nervous system is wired for sensitivity, which comes with both special abilities and extra challenges.

#2: Do show you value their unique qualities

INFPs have a lot to offer. Generally, they’re kind and considerate, conscientious, independent thinkers, good listeners, and unusually observant. They’re also less work in some ways for parents, because they tend to be self-entertaining, self-controlled, and require less supervision. 

Showing that you think they’re great for what makes them different, instead of wishing they were like everyone else, will go a long way to building their self-esteem and contentment. It’s also important to help them edge out of their comfort zone now and then so they can develop their non-dominant traits. 

#3: Don’t give them the impression that there’s something wrong with them

They will hear enough of this at school and from peers. Why are they so sensitive? Why aren’t they more outgoing? Why aren’t they like everyone else? 

They will get really tired of feeling judged for just being themselves. And it could affect their self-esteem. Still, they won’t likely want or be able to be essentially different than they are.

So if they feel you accept and value them as they are, they’ll be better able to feel good about themselves, and to not be too hurt by all the negative noise around them, as long as home is a safe haven where they can be their authentic selves.

#4: Do learn as much as you can – about INFPs in general, and about your particular INFP child

Really listen and try to see their point of view. View them as guides into a foreign realm that is native to them. Ask about what their internal experience is like. 

Often INFPs are good with art or other forms of creative expression. So if they need to explain something that confuses you, suggest they write about it, paint it, act it out, or whatever they do. Just please, please, don’t judge what they express, or they’ll feel rejected and less willing to share with you.

And read as much as you can on their personality type. They’ll appreciate the effort, and you’ll likely gain valuable information you never would have thought of on your own or read in traditional parenting books.

#5: Don’t force them

INFPs don’t respond well to an overly authoritarian parenting style. And you don’t usually have to micromanage their behavior, because they are values-based and will often self-regulate their own behavior, even when no one is watching.

They’ll feel irritated, even insulted, if you impose things and phrase them as commands instead of trusting them to do what’s right because that’s who they are. Once you’ve provided some training and gentle guidance, they don’t need to be constantly told what to do. Just be there to support them and give advice when they need it.

Also, don’t force them to conform too much, or just do what society in general expects, or frequently go against their natural personality traits. It may be literally painful, if not impossible for an INFP child. They need to know you’re their ally, not their enemy or judge.

#6: Do enlist their help

Many INFP children feel unmotivated, even oppressed, by externally imposed structures, or “because I said so.” They do, however, care about the needs and feelings of others. So, if you really need their cooperation on something, appeal to their empathy and compassion. And explain the “why” behind it.

Just don’t fall back on this too often because complying when it goes against their grain will exhaust them, and if you do just because it’s less effort for you, they’ll see through you and just feel like they’re being managed. 

Instead, let them collaborate with you to help find solutions that work better for both of you. They may think of some surprisingly innovative ideas.

#7: Don’t expect to do parenting perfectly

Just like it would make things harder on your child to expect them to be something they’re not, you also don’t have to make it harder on yourself by trying to be perfect. INFPs are very forgiving. 

Just be honest with them instead of trying to hide your mistakes. And treat them with dignity. As long as they feel heard, valued, and trusted, and know they can trust you, you’ve done the most important part of your job. You can work out the details together as you go along.

#8: Do give yourself a break 

While how you parent an INFP child may have a bigger impact on them than on children with less sensitive temperaments, you aren’t going to ruin their lives if you make a mistake now and then, as long as they know you’re trying. 

Remember to have fun and lighten up at times, and they’ll learn from your example. If you’re not stressed out by trying to do everything right all the time, you won’t stress your INFP child, who is deeply tuned in to the emotions of others around them.

You might also want to literally take a break by sometimes arranging for your child to spend time with an adult who is an INFP or another compatible personality type. That way they can have an adult role model they can relate to, and you both get some time out from trying to cope with  each other’s very different points of view.

#9: Don’t take it personally 

Since they will likely develop their own values system and personal way of doing things from a very young age, it could sometimes feel like your INFP child is rejecting you as a role model. But try not to take it as rejection of you. They likely love you deeply, and respect you. They just have to find their own way, more than and sooner than most children.

#10: Do ask what they need from you

Even before they're old enough to fully articulate it, INFP children often have a sense of what is and isn’t working in their life and what they need in order to feel happier and function better. 

Rather than imposing one-size-fits-all parenting, or trying to figure it all out yourself, ask them. They may surprise you with their insight, and will feel dignified by your asking for their input.

If they focus on accentuating their strengths while also learning to use opposite traits when needed, they can gain confidence and become more effective at dealing with life as it is while still reaching toward their ideals.

Diane Fanucchi
Diane Fanucchi is a freelance writer and Smart-Blogger certified content marketing writer. She lives on California’s central coast in a purple apartment. She reads, writes, walks, and eats dark chocolate whenever she can. A true INFP, she spends more time thinking about the way things should be than what others call the “real” world. You can visit her at www.dianefanucchi.naiwe.com or https://writer.me/diane-fanucchi/.