Do you find yourself holding a grudge for months or maybe even years? Well you’re not alone. Many of us hold grudges as a way of dealing with disappointment. This is a common trait for a whole range of personality types but especially for those with a Judging preference on the Myers and Briggs personality system.
Many people mistake Judging types for being judgemental, but actually Judgers just have a stricter way of approaching life. Judgers don’t take things lightly. These personality types tend to take life’s responsibilities seriously and they expect everyone around them to do the same. This can lead to conflict when Judger’s expectations don’t match up to reality.
I’m a classic Judger, I like to make short and long-term plans and I don’t like it when people don’t hold up their end of the bargain. I take flakiness as a personal offence and I find it hard to forgive people who let me down. Unfortunately, many judgers really know how to bear a grudge!
Here are the lessons I’ve learnt to help me let go of grudges because really, life is too short!
1. Not everyone thinks the same way as you
This is a lesson we’re supposed to learn from a young age but somehow, it still takes a bit of time in our adult lives for us to get used to it. Whether you’re making plans with friends or undertaking a project at work, it can be hard when you find out that not everyone thinks the same way as you. In fact, a lot of people probably have completely different ideas about what is and isn’t the right way to do things!
Many grudges stem from a feeling of disappointment when your expectations don’t match up with reality. This is often a result of bad communication. It also comes from not acknowledging that we’re all individuals with our own motives and plans.
One of the key steps to letting go of grudges is just to bear in mind that there’s no one right way to do things. Though your way might seem like the best way, everyone will have their own opinions. There’s no point in trying to force people to fit your plan if they’re simply not interested, it takes a bit more persuasion and patience than that.
2. Don’t take it personally
When you see people’s decisions as personal, then grudges can get really bad. These kinds of grudges are especially hard to get over. Often, personal grudges stem from a place of pride. You don’t like the idea that someone isn’t treating you in the way you expect to be treated. But how often are they actually being personal and how often is it just people living their lives?
Take the example of a friend not replying to your messages or not texting you to see if you want to meet up. This is a common scenario that can quickly spiral out of control. They don’t reply so you stop texting them. Then the tension starts to build because they don’t text you either. So you decide to cut them out of your life and never talk to them ever again. Even when they do text you, you don’t reply because you want to show them that you don’t care about them… sound familiar?
If you find this happening in your life, ask yourself who is this grudge serving? It’s not serving your friend and it’s definitely not helping you. Holding grudges takes a lot of energy and this can have consequences.
If you feel yourself slipping into grudge territory, then try to look at the issue from another perspective. Is it personal or are you taking it personally? Sometimes, it might just be a misunderstanding.
3. Let some flexibility into your life
For Judgers, the naturally strict and ordered nature of their personalities means we get really antsy if people don’t follow a plan. But if you want to know how to let go of grudges, it’s a good idea to look at how to avoid them in the first place!
One of the best ways to avoid getting to the stage of grudge-holding is to try to be more open to new ways of doing things. On the other side of the personality spectrum to Judgers is Perceiving types. Perceivers value spontaneity and the opportunity to adapt. They hate routine and they love making plans on the spur-of-the-moment.
It’s unrealistic to expect that a Judger can magically turn into a Perceiver overnight but you could try to embrace some of the aspects of the Perceiver personality type. It could take you somewhere good!
After getting to know more perceivers in my life, I’ve gradually become more flexible. I’ve begun to recognise that not everything has to be planned to extremes! Spontaneity and adaptability can help you to spend less time thinking about how people are doing things wrong and more time enjoying the moment.
4. Don’t rush to shut doors
The saying goes that when one door shuts, another one opens. While this is often true, it can be easy to slam a door closed when one path doesn’t work out the way you want to.
In relationships, many of us can be quick to take offence if someone doesn’t follow the plan you had for them. But one of the keys to letting go of grudges is to not be in such a rush to cut all ties with people who don’t deliver in the way you wanted them to.
If your relationship with them is toxic then cutting ties is probably a good idea, but if you simply don’t see eye-to-eye maybe you could take a more measured response.
Few relationships are linear. Along the way, you’re likely to have ups and downs. This is true for all relationships, whether they’re romantic, friendly or with family. If you rush to cut those people out of your life then you miss out on the chance to reestablish ties. If you shut the door too quickly, you might find yourself regretting it further down the line.
Part of letting go of grudges is acknowledging that everyone makes mistakes and they’re not always personal. Try to leave space for forgiveness if you can.
