What Do Enneagram Nines Secretly Want in Relationships?

Our relationships shape who we are. We learn from the people we share our life with, and in return they learn from us. Together, two people can learn something about themselves that they could never learn apart. Relationships are a place of merger and separation. Of coming together to create something magical, but also needing to find our independence within that relationship. To find that balance. 

For Enneagram Type Nine’s, that represents the challenge they spend their life navigating.   

You might think that Enneagram Nines, known for their friendly, down-to-earth ways, would be looking for people who are as chilled as they are. While Nines might seek out people who are more decisive or bold than they are, allowing the Nine to keep going with the flow, they are actually seeking something much deeper. 

Nines spend most of their time supporting other people to achieve their goals and desires. However, in friendships and relationships, Nines are secretly seeking people who will put them first, who will make them feel important and who will respect the fact that it takes them time to figure out what they want. 

As a friend or partner of a Nine, you can do that in the following ways:

1. Attention

Enneagram Nines want to feel like they are the centre of your universe. So when you are together, aim to give them your undivided attention. 

You can do this by:

• Turning off your phone, or at the very least, not looking at it while you are together
• Not interrupting them, let them tell their story in full
• Asking questions about what they want 
• Thinking about their comfort and what they might enjoy doing

2. Patience

Enneagram Nines need a lot of time to figure out their opinion, position, desires and feelings. That can take hours, days or even weeks. Which can make the debate about where to go for dinner frustrating! So patience is essential. 

Here is how you can do that:

• Never tell a Nine what to do
• Provide alternatives
• Allow them to figure out what they don't want first
• Ask questions about what they want, but don’t expect a quick answer 
• Remember “yes” doesn’t mean “yes”, it means “I’ll think about it”

3. Inclusion 

Nines want to feel as included in your life as much as they include you in theirs. Enneagram Nines think about their friends and their partner a lot. What would they like? What would they enjoy? And they may only invite you along to something they know you will enjoy, and not mention the things they know you won’t. 

So to help them feel included, try the following:

• Find a shared hobby that you both enjoy
• Ask questions about what they like and then organize those activities
• Make an effort to get to know their friends and family 
• Join in their hobbies and ask them to join in yours

To help your Enneagram Type Nine feel like they matter to you, give them your full attention when you are together. Ask them what they want and don’t rush them for an answer. Find activities you both enjoy and can do together. While you can’t read their mind, you can pay attention to what they say and do as indicators of what is important to them.