How To Love An Enneagram Heart Type (Types Two, Three And Four)

Our Enneagram Relationship content was co-developed with marital therapist-turned relationship coach Christa Hardin (MA)*. 

Enneagram heart types are motivated by a desire to be loved and appreciated. They are often very compassionate and caring people who want to make a difference in the world. There are three Enneagram heart types: Two, Three and Four.

Since heart types are known for their focus on emotions and relationships, you might think that loving them would be easier than loving other types. But all the Enneagram numbers bring something unique to the relationship table. It's worth taking a moment to learn the deeper aspects of your heart type as you begin the journey to love them more deeply. 

ENNEAGRAM TYPE TWO

Our relationship-focused Enneagram Twos long to be loved by a partner who can understand their heart’s desire for connection and more of it at all times. They have a particular gift of loving others well in the world, and this creates a deep longing to have this kind of “big love” returned by others. Your Two will feel so very loved if you prioritize them and let them know they are special to you and also seen and appreciated for all they do. 

So what else do you need to know in order to love your Two specifically?  

To love your Two, realize this first:

• In the past, they may have felt that they had to give in order to be special or worthy of love. It’s hard for them to let go of that give-to-get love mentality.
• They may overdo in hopes of winning the love of their community and/or extended family.
• They feel the pressure to be a crowd pleaser and to be “on.” You’ll need to give them permission to relax and to be themselves.
• They may want more than you can emotionally give to them.
• They need time to think - don’t rush them. 
• Let them verbally process when they’re upset. Be sure to offer positivity and  encouragement also. 
• They need you to set boundaries with them but don’t withdraw suddenly. Stay present instead of withdrawing when you’re upset or come back soon after you decompress for a bit. Relationships mean everything to them, especially yours! 

Here are a few more tips to make your Two feel safe and cared about:

• Offer them words of appreciation for who they are, not just what they do, but show appreciation for both.
• Support them in the ways they give to others and join them in serving sometimes. 
• Listen to them share their feelings and allow them to verbally process their day and thoughts with you.
• Remind them to write down and schedule in their self care and to journal thoughts out since they can be thinking-inhibited.
• Spend quality time with them and help them to carve out some one-on-one time in their busy schedule.
• Tell them how you love them for their heart even more than their exterior. Twos can be self-critical about their own physique and aim to greatly please in this arena.
• Encourage them to take care of themselves with physical, spiritual, and emotional self care daily and help them to carve it out.
• Talk through boundaries with them to help them set them and listen to their hearts here also. 
• Be gentle with criticism and affirming with them even when you’re letting them down about small things largely out of your control. Give them five positives for every critique.
• Spend time just cuddling and enjoying each other having fun as well as socially out with other couples and family on your off hours.
• If you’re an Introvert, make sure you find ways to show your Two that you love them, whether it be through regular text or voice memos, video messages they can watch multiple times, or social media tags. Let them help you to know what they prefer here. 

ENNEAGRAM TYPE THREE

Our ambitious Enneagram Threes long to be loved by a partner who shares their big, beautiful dreams for changing the world and finding comfort in it as well. They have a particular gift for making goals happen and excelling under pressure, and this creates a dazzling spectacle wherever they go. However, your Three will feel so deeply loved when you cherish them even in the “off hours” and tell them that they have worth even outside of their power performances! 

So what else do you need to know in order to love your Three specifically? 

To love your Three, realize this first: 

• They have often been told they have to perform to earn love. This can create vanity and a projection of false identities and overdoing. 
• They may be harsh when they come off the “stage” because they are tired or anxious when not in motion. 
• They are logical and solution focused and it helps if you can lean in here if this isn’t natural for you. You both care, you just care differently.
• They may put on various masks with various friends, family or even you and it’s important they feel safe enough with you to be real and authentic. 
• They may not even know who they really are inside of all of the masks they wear socially.
• They need time to think and figure out what they feel and they don’t always feel permission to take it.
• They don’t always feel affirmed in their worth on the inside so make sure you affirm this.

Here are a few more tips to make your Three feel safe and cared about:

• Support their ambitions and compliment them sincerely.
• Be genuine; Threes can easily read deceit.
• When they try to come down from all of their work, they need your reminders to be gentle and to take deep breaths.
• Stay close if you need time to each think as they don't like distance from their favorite person (you!).
• Create a safe space for their social masks to come off so they can just be real, fun, and comfy with you.
• Let them know you’re proud of them and their accomplishments as well as just who they are outside of that.
• Don’t give up on them if they need to do some of their job/work in between their processing of feelings and all the fun. They long to provide comforts for their people.
• As much as they want and need to be appreciated for who they are on the inside, they love being recognized for how hard they work as well.
• Understand that their work is important to them and it is a coping skill that works for them. Try not to see this from a critical slant.
• Try various ways to help them to rest and relax from deep-seated anxiety.
• Give them honest but not overly critical feedback and make sure you don’t leave when they’re processing. They can be quite sensitive.
• Help your Three to know they are loved outside of work/money and let them test you here.

ENNEAGRAM TYPE FOUR

Our idealistic Enneagram Fours long to be loved by a partner who can spend time with them, understanding their artistry and creative vision for the world as well as simply enjoying life together. They have a particular gift of holding compassion for people’s pain, and this creates in them a desire for their partner to care about the depths of their heart. Your Four will feel treasured when you take time to hear their hearts without rushing them. And also when you remind them of their important place in the world, which they sometimes lean out of in self-contempt.   

So what else do you need to know in order to love your Four specifically?  

To love your Four, realize this first: 

• They may have experienced intensity or a form of verbal intensity that is hard to forget. As such, they sometimes feel they are the worst people in the world. Remind your Four of their worth and that no one is perfect.
• You’ll need to take issues slowly and give them time to process.
• Fours thrive with a balanced flexibility and schedules, but not rigid schedules or open schedules all day.
• Their issues feel very big and real to them whatever they are, and your issues feel this way to the Four also. Remember to show compassion.
• Encourage them to share with you even though you’ll never perhaps understand perfectly.
• Share your gratitude together and encourage gratitude regularly. 

Here are a few more tips to make your Four feel safe and cared about: 

• Support their creative endeavors and sit with them sometimes as they do them. Ask open-ended questions about these endeavors.
• Don’t shame them for moving slowly but do offer help if getting moving is a serious issue for your relationship.
• Don’t tell them they are feeling too much - feeling is what comes natural to them.
• Listen with focus as they share their day.
• Make sure you offer them quality time. Since Fours don’t tend to move quickly, this means the world.
• Compliment them with sincerity and for what’s on the inside even more than the outside.
• Even if they tend to see all their flaws first, let them know all humans have flaws and are beloved. Assert some of the things you specifically love about them.
• Encourage them to get involved in groups they are a part of or want to be part of, and build them up, knowing they often feel excluded.
• Encourage activity to help process their issues. Take time to go walking or to visit esthetic places just the two of you. Take an hour or more for these excursions and schedule it together as needed.

Click here to find the Enneagram and Marriage Glow Pairing Guides for every possible type combination so you can find tips for loving your Two, Three or Four heart type with each of the individual types!