No one dreams of getting into a relationship that feels awkward and difficult. Most of us start out thinking that the other person is the most exciting person in the world… but then things slowly start to go wrong.

When you and your partner are both speaking different love languages, things can quickly get lost in translation. You might feel distant, confused or even surprised. 

Here are 7 signs that you and your partner are using very different love styles and what you need to watch out for.

1. You don’t feel loved the way you want

The problem with speaking different love styles is that you and your partner can be extremely loving with one another but you won’t feel the love in the way you want. If your love style is physical touch, for example, your partner can pay you 100 compliments but when they don’t cuddle you on the couch, you feel like something is wrong. 

There are seven modern love styles so there’s a good chance that you and your partner have a different one. And that means there’s a danger you’re communicating in the wrong way with each other and that you’ll never feel loved in the way you want and need.

You can recognize this issue if your partner often points out the things you’re not doing. If your partner’s primary love style is Practical and yours is Financial, for example, they’ll probably feel frustrated if you give them financial support but you don’t go out of your way to do something for them. 

Say you pay for their flight but you don’t pick them up from the airport. To you, the flight is the act of love, to them the gesture of coming to get them is the act of love. Either way, you both end up feeling confused, unappreciated and even unloved in the process.

2. You feel distance growing between you

When you and your partner have different love styles, it’s easy for distance to grow between you. Your love styles impact many different aspects of your relationship, including how you’re able to cope with conflict, jealousy and long-distance communication. Unless you take proactive steps to learn each other’s love style, it will be very easy for you to drift apart. Simple things get lost in translation and you realize you’re not just on a different page but in a completely different book! 

What makes it worse is that you can’t reconnect through your own love style because it probably won’t be what your partner needs. For example, a thoughtful present won’t make up for an argument if your partner needs clear communication and spoken declarations of love. Or a kiss won’t be equivalent to you fixing dinner for them.

When you and your partner have different love styles, you’ll probably feel like there’s a distance between you that keeps growing and this can be one of the biggest challenges you’ll face together.

3. There’s an imbalance in your relationship

Does one of you feel like you’re pouring more into the relationship than the other? The feeling of imbalance can easily stem from the idea that you’re giving someone the love you want them to give you but they won’t reciprocate. Chances are, your partner is feeling the same way! 

When you and your partner have different love styles, you can easily misinterpret their meaning from simple acts. Small gestures become a source of conflict rather than love. A head stroke becomes patronizing. A compliment feels fake. A gift is seen as a bribe. It’s all too easy to misinterpret what your partner is trying to say through their actions.

This means you feel like you’re doing everything you can to make the relationship work while your partner feels like you’re doing nothing and vice versa. The result? Things can get complicated quickly!

4. You over-communicate to make it work

For couples with different love styles, good communication becomes paramount. To make the relationship work, you and your partner will have to get used to over communicating on everything so you both know you’re on the same page.

When you’re speaking through the lens of different love styles, you’ll quickly get used to prioritizing clear communication in every aspect of your relationship. Non-verbal communication like Physical and Practical don’t work when your partner has a different love style. That means you have to explicitly communicate your feelings to keep your relationship running smoothly.

This can be a really good thing for your relationship – but it also means that it might not feel as natural as other relationships.

5. Someone feels neglected

You’ve probably heard people complaining about their partner being needy or clingy, but the truth is they might just have a different love style!

When a partner feels neglected and asks for more love and affection than their partner is currently giving them – interpreted as neediness – what they’re actually looking for is to be loved in the way they need. That might mean more time together, more hugs or even more intellectual connection.

There are a whole range of reasons that someone can feel neglected in a relationship. But often it stems from having different love styles and not acknowledging the needs of your partner.

6. You have lots of new surprises 

On the flip side, having a different love style to your partner can also have positive aspects. Your relationship will be constantly surprising as you both show your love and affection in different ways.

You might receive unexpected gifts or be surprised by their kind, supportive words. There are many ways that love styles can offer something new and exciting to your relationship as you discover alternative ways of loving someone and receiving love.

In the process, you might find that you learn more about yourself and what you enjoy. The best relationships help you grow and develop as a person, and sometimes having different love styles is a way to open up new habits, interests and ways of loving in the process. 

7. You look for other ways to connect

When you have different love styles, you won’t automatically connect with your partner in the way that you want to or are used to. While this can sometimes be difficult, it also opens up new ways for you to connect.

Love styles are important but they’re not make or break for a relationship. There are always multiple ways to connect with your partner, including through different hobbies, in your physical relationship and in how you choose to spend your time together.

Maybe you have different ideas about the way that money is spent but you’re both hugely interested in learning a new skill together. That opens up a new way for you to connect – you might even find this is one thing you have in common!

To learn more about you and your partner’s love styles, take the 7 love styles test to see how you match up and how to make your relationship work the way you both want and need.

Elizabeth Harris
Elizabeth is a freelance writer and ghostwriter. She’s an anthropologist at heart and loves using social theory to get deeper into the topics she writes about. Born in the UK, Elizabeth has lived in Copenhagen, Frankfurt and Dubai before moving most recently to Budapest, Hungary. She’s an ENTJ with ENFJ leanings. Find out more about her work at bethharris.com