The Runaway Nine: Why the Enneagram Type You Thought Would Never Leave Suddenly Does

Divorce is one of the most painful things a person can go through and if you are in the throes of one, you may well find yourself in the “Divorce” subreddit community looking for support. As you read through the posts, you will quickly notice the number of divorces that seem to come out of nowhere. One day, everything seemed fine. The next, the marriage is over. 

These stories might read something like this ones, which is based on a real post:

“I thought me (46M) and my wife (41F) were great. I was actually probably cocky about how good my marriage was. We've been together for 13 years and married for 8. The woman I know is kind, honest and brave. I don't know the woman who looks at me now like I'm nothing to her, who packed up the house in secret while I was at work and who left me in the cruelest way possible. None of what she's done makes sense of the woman I know.

Two weeks before she left we were at a friend's house for a dinner party, and she was sitting on my lap telling cute stories about us. Someone made a comment about us being “so in love,” and I completely agreed.

A few days after she left she sent me a list of “reasons” but they're all (relatively minor in my opinion) communication problems. She called me, the last time she ever talked to me, to tell me she's not going to go to counseling, she's “just done,” and she's got a lawyer and she's going to divorce me. Up until this point, we've never even said the word “divorce” to each other.

It's been 3 months and I still wake up in a panic almost every night, thinking "there's no f#$+ing way this is actually happening.”

Understanding Spousal Abandonment Syndrome

Spousal Abandonment Syndrome (SAS) describes the pattern where one partner leaves a seemingly stable, long-term marriage abruptly, without previously communicating dissatisfaction. The abandonment is often followed by anger and coldness toward the left spouse. 

The term was coined by Vikki Stark, M.S.W., M.F.T., a family therapist and the director of the Sedona Counselling Centre of Montreal, who developed the concept after her own marriage ended abruptly. She studied over 400 women worldwide, developed a framework and published the book Runaway Husbands in 2010. Since the book’s publishing, it has become clear that SAS is not gender specific – some wives leave their husbands following the same pattern. 

After reading Stark’s work, and story after story of abandoned spouses, I started thinking, what’s going on in the mind of a person who says “I love you” on Tuesday and “I'm done” on Wednesday? To shed some light on this picture, I turned to the Enneagram.

Why Enneagram Nines Abandon Relationships

Any Enneagram type is capable of abandoning a spouse or long-term partner, and there’s no single type that corners the market on this behavior. So it’s not about placing the blame on any particular type. 

Instead, what the Enneagram offers is a way to examine the internal world behind the instinct to leave abruptly without the opportunity to discuss or repair. And here, one type stands out for having the habits of attention, motivations and fears that fit the SAS pattern Stark identified: the Enneagram Type Nine.

The Conflict-Avoidant Peacemaker

Rhonda, a Type Nine, says this about the collapse of her 15-year marriage: “Understanding now that my soon-to-be ex-husband and I are both Type 9s is enlightening. What I thought was a peaceful and pretty normal marriage that tried to stay focused on the positive was actually a ticking time bomb that met the right spark to annihilate it.” 

Type Nines are known for their easy-going and accommodating personality style. They are empathetic, unusually gifted at being able to step into the shoes of other people, and that leads them to tolerate behavior other Enneagram types might refuse to accept.  Nines have an exaggerated sense of conflict as well. What might seem like a heated discussion to you or me can feel like an intensely angry fight to them. Michael, a Type Nine, describes this as his “conflict thermostat” being off: “Intellectually I understand it is just a conversation, but it feels like a heated fight in my mind. I get anxious just thinking about it.”

Because even regular disagreements can feel intense for Type Nines, they often stay quiet when something bothers them. Over the years of a long-term relationship, a silent scorecard appears. Tom, a Type Nine, offered this insight for my book The Nine Keys: 

“Just because I don’t react, doesn’t mean I didn’t notice. I would describe myself as mellow and easygoing, but I shouldn't be mistaken as naive or unaware. I notice if you were fair with me, if we went to your movie or mine, if you dominate the conversation or ask me about my day too, all types of things. It is like there is an internal scorecard in my head. I will tolerate and actually feel like I am fine with almost everything but only up to a point. At that point, the line is crossed, and I will open and share my scorecard bringing up everything that I can recall.”

“Selfishly enough, at that point, I have convinced myself that I am right, that I deserve to be right, and I will not back down. I know that I could be wrong this time, but I cannot be wrong for the things that I have in my scorecard. I know I may be overreacting, but it's OK because I have 'under-reacted' all the other times. I know I am selfish in this moment, but I do not care, I deserve for once to be selfish myself."

To be clear, Tom is not a runaway husband. But his explanation helps us understand what might be going on in the mind of someone who one day walks away.

How the Scorecard Fills

One of the most misunderstood things about a Type Nine who abruptly leaves their spouse is that the behavior comes from low self-mastery, not ill intent. The Nine avoids conflict, represses anger and stays in denial, and by the time their partner is finally ready to talk, the Nine has already checked out of the marriage mentally and emotionally. The scorecard is full, and the game is over. 

But how does the scorecard fill in the first place? 

It’s mostly down to Type Nines not saying what is true. They tolerate behavior they don’t like. Grievances don’t get aired. Needs go unmet. Their spouse has no idea there is a problem because the Type Nine gave them no reason to think there was. Everything looks fine on the surface but underneath, the scorecard is doing its work. All those grievances and unmet needs are logged and tabulated until finally, the scorecard becomes full. Then, for the first time, it is brought to light as the Type Nine walks out the door.

This happened in my own family. My parents never fought, and our home was stable and peaceful. But one day, my Type Nine father announced to my mother that he was retiring to the countryside, and they would be getting a divorce. A key insight into the mind of the Peacemaker is that often, by the time they are ready to engage in conflict, they have already made up their mind to leave. There is nothing to talk about because the decision is made. And while the intention of the Type Nine isn’t to do harm, the results can be devastating.

“My husband was the quintessential “nice guy” who seemed to love me completely, so I was absolutely blind-sided. Imagine what it does to your sense of everything that is real when you find out the person you trusted with your life has already started up with someone new and there is nothing you can do about it?” Rhonda says. “My attempts to talk about it were framed as “attacks.”  Suddenly, I’m “the enemy” and the future is uncertain. My nervous system has been wrecked, and my heart shattered. And the person I had counted on for so long was not the one anymore to say it’s all gonna be OK.”

How to Clear the Scorecard 

If you are a Type Nine, and you recognize yourself in the scorecard pattern, take comfort from knowing that you can interrupt the grievance log long before it fills. Instead of going into denial and pretending a behavior doesn’t bother you, listen to your body. Do you feel tired a lot? Is it hard to focus?  Are you procrastinating about important things? These are all signs of repressed anger.

Voicing your desires and what is making you unhappy is part of building harmony in your relationship. Get clear on what you actually want and share it with the people you trust. Let the supportive people in your life help you advocate for yourself when your own voice is soft. Repressing your feelings drains you. You may find your energy returning as you begin to advocate for yourself.

If You Love, or Loved, a Type Nine

Type Nines are skilled at hiding what they are unhappy about, so don’t blame yourself if your Type Nine partner left and you did not see the warning signs. There probably weren’t any. Nines are often not consciously in touch with these feelings themselves, and denial runs deep in this personality style. Understanding the pattern after the fact does not mean the outcome was in your hands to change. How they left is still their responsibility.

And if you love a Type Nine who is still by your side? You don't need to become a mindreader, but you do need to watch for subtle signals of unexpressed feelings and repressed anger:

• Does your partner seem tired a lot? 
• Have they drifted away from things they used to care about? 
• Do they seem to have lost interest in their own goals? 

These can all be early warning signs that the scorecard is filling, and your Type Nine may not even be aware of it. Nancy, a Type Nine in an 18-year marriage describes it this way, “Maintaining harmony takes a lot of my energy. This tires me out and makes it hard for me to pursue the things that are important to me.”

If you ask, “Is everything OK?” expect to get a “yes” whether or not everything is OK. It is more effective to ask specific questions like, “If you could change one thing in our relationship, what would it be?” and give your partner space and time to answer. Listen for the quiet version of a preference or complaint and take it seriously. Focus hard on your partner’s needs, even if they aren’t asking you to.

Making Sense of the Runaway Nine

For the spouse looking at a partner who left without warning, the Enneagram can offer an explanation and hopefully permission to stop searching for what they missed or what they did wrong.

For the person who left, it may be a call to do the hard work of speaking up next time, before those unaired needs reach the point of no return. 

While the journey has been rough, Rhonda is healing and her story leaves others with hope. “I’m grateful for all the tools that I’ve acquired through necessity. Getting out of my head and into my body more. Understanding that as a 9, my power lies in maybe a few less people pleased with me. That’s OK. I’m a more authentic and healed woman now and I’m pleased with that.”