INFJ
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The INFJ Personality Type

INFJs are creative nurturers with a strong sense of personal integrity and a drive to help others realize their potential. Creative and dedicated, they have a talent for helping others with original solutions to their personal challenges.

The Counselor has a unique ability to intuit others' emotions and motivations, and will often know how someone else is feeling before that person knows it himself. They trust their insights about others and have strong faith in their ability to read people. Although they are sensitive, they are also reserved; the INFJ is a private sort, and is selective about sharing intimate thoughts and feelings.

Are you an INFJ?

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What does INFJ stand for?

INFJ is one of the sixteen personality types created by Katharine Briggs and Isabel Myers. INFJ is an acronym for the personality traits of Introversion, iNtuition, Feeling, and Judging. The INFJ type is also called the "Counselor" and is described as idealistic, compassionate, and sensitive.

Each of the four letters of the INFJ code signifies a key personality trait of this type. INFJs are energized by time alone (Introverted), focus on ideas and concepts rather than facts and details (iNtuitive), make decisions based on feelings and values (Feeling) and prefer to be planned and organized rather than spontaneous and flexible (Judging).

How common is the INFJ personality type?

INFJ is the rarest type in the population. It is the least common type among men, and the third least common among women (after INTJ and ENTJ). INFJs make up:

  • 2% of the general population
  • 2% of women
  • 1% of men

Famous INFJs

Famous INFJs include Mohandas Gandhi, Eleanor Roosevelt, Emily Bronte, Carl Jung, Fyodor Dostoevsky, Florence Nightingale, Shirley MacLaine, Jimmy Carter, and Edward Snowden.

INFJ Values and Motivations

INFJs are guided by a deeply considered set of personal values. They are intensely idealistic, and can clearly imagine a happier and more perfect future. They can become discouraged by the harsh realities of the present, but they are typically motivated and persistent in taking positive action nonetheless. The INFJ feels an intrinsic drive to do what they can to make the world a better place.

INFJs want a meaningful life and deep connections with other people. They do not tend to share themselves freely but appreciate emotional intimacy with a select, committed few. Although their rich inner life can sometimes make them seem mysterious or private to others, they profoundly value authentic connections with people they trust.

How Others See the INFJ

INFJs often appear quiet, caring and sensitive, and may be found listening attentively to someone else’s ideas or concerns. They are highly perceptive about people and want to help others achieve understanding. INFJs are not afraid of complex personal problems; in fact, they are quite complex themselves, and have a rich inner life that few are privy to. They reflect at length on issues of ethics, and feel things deeply. Because Counselors initially appear so gentle and reserved, they may surprise others with their intensity when one of their values is threatened or called into question. Their calm exterior belies the complexity of their inner worlds.

Because INFJs are such complex people, they may be reluctant to engage with others who might not understand or appreciate them, and can thus be hard to get to know. Although they want to get along with others and support them in their goals, they are fiercely loyal to their own system of values and will not follow others down a path that does not feel authentic to them. When they sense that their values are not being respected, or when their intuition tells them that someone’s intentions are not pure, they are likely to withdraw.

INFJ Hobbies and Interests

Popular hobbies for the INFJ include writing, art appreciation, cultural events, reading, socializing in small, intimate settings, and playing or listening to music.

Facts about INFJs

Interesting facts about the INFJ:

  • Least common type in the population
  • On personality trait scales, scored as Sincere, Sympathetic, Unassuming, Submissive, Easygoing, Reserved and Patient
  • Among highest of all types in college GPA
  • Among most likely to stay in college
  • Most likely of all types to cope with stress by seeing a therapist
  • Highest of all types in marital dissatisfaction
  • Personal values include Spirituality, Learning, and Community Service
  • Commonly found in careers in religion, counseling, teaching, and the arts

Source: MBTI Manual

Quotes About INFJs

"The visions of the INFJs tend to concern human welfare, and their contributions are likely to be made independent of a mass movement."

- Isabel Briggs Myers, Gifts Differing

"These seclusive and friendly people are complicated themselves, and so can understand and deal with complex ethical issues and with deeply troubled individuals."

- David Keirsey, Please Understand Me II

"INFJs' nonstop search for learning, self-growth, and development—and wishing the same for everyone else—makes them very reassuring to others and people worth emulating."

- Otto Kroeger, Type Talk at Work

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Comments

MangoesRDR2 says...

yes

 

Christina K. (not verified) says...

Hi All!  I have just recently discovered that I am an INFJ (1.5 days back.)  So I am clearly but an "infant" in the whole scheme of things.  SO... I took several tests on several different sites because I quickly discerned that many are not all that accurate via other commentary.  And... I suppose, just to be (more) certain since I'm not all that familiar with this specific concept of internal/personality identification... (not that that really means anything, right?) lol

Anyway, I am genuienly grateful to have found deeper insight into understanding more about who I truly am and I am also quite eager to continue delving deeper into/devouring through more content, revelation and methodologies.  (A HUGE Thank You to site Creator/s, content writers and whomever put this site together!)  SO much of it is extremely "Spot-On" and I find it is so very helpful and actually somewhat of a relief the more I learn about myself (and other types.) 

(*Side bar*)I think one of the main things that keep standing out to me while reviewing commentary (and I also find a bit comical) is how INFJ's; being only 1-2% of the population, AND then combining how nearly 100% of the commentary has been made by INFJ's?!  Sorry... I just could't refrain from pointing that silly observation out and I mean ZERO disrespect to anyone, whatsoever. 

It's also comforting to know that I don't feel quite as alone when considering my belief hierarchy system/traits are actually shared by others.  Not that I'm unable connect well with others, because it's typically quite effortless/seamless... but always still felt an element of lonlieness due to the sheer fact that I had instinctively learned long ago exactly how different I really am from most.  That in and of itself made it difficult to ever feel like many could ever understand ME (thus the "lonely part of it all)... but I love helping others so much, it was always easy to overlook because my need to serve/improve others was my driving force (and why putting myelf on the backburner is (I consider) such a natural "byproduct" of our internal processing/methods.)

Now off to doing what it is I love doing... Enriching the lives of others as best I can... (Now with more fuel to feed my internal fire!) :-)

B. (not verified) says...

Hi Christina 🙂 you are so INFJ! The way you create these long, intertwined sentences, trying to fit all these thoughts and connections in one sentence. I do the same... so glad there are other out there my sister! ♥️ I feel you! Everything you said, I would not describe differently. Lots of Love, B

Here and now (not verified) says...

I am an INFJ that works with languages. Usually, I write lengthy texts and do translations. It's a very creative and challenging job and I really enjoy it. I think this type of career is perfect for an Intuitive.

Me (not verified) says...

Hello, i find what you said really interesting i am an infj too and would like to work in that field can i ask some questions about your work ?

mator (not verified) says...

I'm an INFJ, (24 years old, female) I studied social work and had several jobs for a short period but i'm still struggling to find what I want and can do. It's not easy in my country to find a job as a social worker so when I was searching for a job I first worked as a childcare worker, which was nice because I like children but it wasn't very fulfilling because it's jut a lot of caring for the children. I'm very interested in the psychology and child development but I couldn't really use that a lot in the job. After 8 months of working there I found a temporary job as a family counselor (3 months). I worked with the parents and also cared for the children. I liked this job but I also felt like i didn't have enough knowledge to share with my clients, I had one client of 16 years old who was pregnant, so I had to tell her all about pregnancy haha. I did like to work with the families and they respected me but I just felt insecure a lot because i felt like I new very little of how to raise a child and such.. So after 3 months the employee that I replaced came back and I had to go. Didn't feel so sad to go because I was still adjusting to the work. They did say that they were gonna miss me and that they liked me. Two months later i found a job in a school with children who have behavioral problems such as autism, as a school counselor. It wasn't in my city so I had to use the train, which was a change for me because I studied in my city and never really use the train that much. But I was excited that i finally found a job, at the interview the boss was really nice and kind, which made me feel comfortable. The first day of the job went okay, I had stress but the collegues were really nice and showed me around the whole day. They told me what my job was, one part was counseling kids, but i first had to get to know them, they said. An other part was watching the students who had to be put in time out, these are tiny rooms where they have to sit and settle down when they lose their temper. Didn't really like this part of the job because you just have to sit there and wait untill they are calm. The second day they already gave me a lot of tasks to do, such as having a conversation with two students who were fighting, making letters,.. I did what I could do but felt like I knew so little of the students and school to already do my job.. The next day i started freaking out and felt a lot of anxiety. I still went to the school and like it was planned i had to watch the students in the time out for 4 hours. I didn't feel okay so i talked to the other school counselor. She was very kind. I told her i'm not sure if i can do this and that everything is going really fast for me. She understood me and told me that it's sometimes even for her a very stressfull and emotional job. She told me i could go home and think about it. For me it was already decided that I was gonna quit. My friends and family tried to convice me to just try and that it might get better. But I just didn't feel it and I know that I have to listen to myself. So I quit, I felt very dissapointed in myself ( I already had this experience twice as a trainee, so I felt like a faillure again.) I once did a good traineeship in a (normal) school so I expected that I was really gonna love this job.. Now I'm at home searching for another job, I'm more carefull with what I'm searching for but that also means I have less options. People ask me why I just don't go working in a shop but I really don't want to do that. I don't know if all this is typical for an INFJ or it's just me who is always very anxious and sensitive.. I'd like to hear your feedback.

JBird (not verified) says...

Hi Mator, 

I'm not sure what country you live in but you mentioned finding SW jobs is not easy where you live. One thing that might help you find something you are interested in is to look for jobs that are part-time, contract or as needed. While pay and benefits won't be great (I would suggest finding a part time job for steady pay and as needed job to explore interests at the same time), this gives you a chance to job shop without being in a rotating door. Most social work and psychology fields want staff who will stay for the long haul since it is a disruption for clients to have to start over with new staff. There are a lot of different levels of care in the field and it seems you maybe haven't found the in between; you mentioned one job was not as involved and the other was anxiety provoking. That's okay!! Another word of advice would be that all jobs in social services will require paperwork; the amount varies by where you work. While paperwork is not fun, it will most likely be a requirement everywhere. Finally, be kind to yourself. You just finished school. Initial jobs are usually with kids and families who struggle the most. Learn what you can and take care of yourself. This kind of experience will help you be able to work with almost anyone in the future. Best of luck to you!

Kevin Walker (not verified) says...

Sorry if this might be coming a bit late, but I have this issue alot, where I kinda dislike jobs that I do. I found out (for me) all jobs are, at their core, basically the same. It is the people and things I work with are different.

 

I went from working at landscaping company, where it was kinda rewarding because I would work with plants, talk with elderly people, and get physically fit, cardio and full body. Then I joined the Navy, where I would work with elrionic___ equipment and figure them out, and how it works, and worked with great and outstanding people to the worst of the worst, that would do anything to get you out of the way without actually killing you. And now for the past 4 years, I was hopping around job to job, working contruction, flipping burgers, being muscle for bars, to a fancy suit and tie restaurants. I am now at a cable company, where I will be helping people with a service they want, but dont like paying for. We all had to pay for something we want but it doesnt do everything we wanted.

 

TLDR to above, I get you and where you are coming from and maybe where we might be going.

I like helping people, learning and understanding them. Just keep going. I doubt I will ever find a job that is exactly me, but I will continue helping myself to get better, faster understanding, be more intuitive of the people around me, and trying to be the best version of me. I had a problem of comparing myself to others, and I would see myself as a failure and it wasn't helpful at all. Once I started to compare myself with my past self, it made more sense and allowed me to be aware of what I did, what I want and maybe how to get that. I do not have the exact idea of what I want to be, but I will just build upon myself and be more. I think by doing this, I started to be more extroverted, at least that is how people saw me as, but I just started to live more in the moment and do what I was doing without holding myself back. Also I started to have less expectations for everything. Its started when I noticed I started to dislike movies, because I had a idea of what I wanted, then I stopped watching previews. Then movies started to be fun again, something I started to actively enage with and try to understand with putting my attenion into it completely. 

I would recommend talking with yourself, finding out what you can do, what you want to do, and maybe how you can get there. BUT DO NOT make it in rock, make it in sand. Be as trueful with yourself as you can be. Write it down, record yourself talking, make a character on paper who is like you, but you observe yourself, aka an OC of you. Be real with youself and accept the great with not so good, because that is you. That is amazing. Life changes, I have met incredible, who I have loved, but they pasted away, but that doesnt stop me from wanting to meet new people. "Keep on, Keeping on." "It is, what it is" "Cie la vie." "I just don't know sometimes, and that is ok because I will learn." "When I eat, I eat. When I laugh, I laugh. When I love, I love. When I cry, I cry. When you do anything, do that anything and not worry about anything else." "That is for future me to worry about." I love phrases, and those helpped me alot, and they dont really mean anything, but that is why they mean something to me. 

 

I am 30 years old, a INFJ-A at home and my core, but I may across as a ENFJ-A outside and to others. That is because I am hungry to be more.

Bria says...

I'm a female (INFJ), who is 25 years old. When reading your comment it made me think of myself and how as an INFJ we do our best to understand exactly what we want to do but then feel defeated when we feel less passionate about it in the field. Here's why,  most of the time we are trying to mold ourselves under other offices and corporations. Which I do think is good for learning and experience. However, while you are there, think of ways that they could improve the process of helping children or the environment. Think of all the things you like social work, child counseling, maybe even artistic hobbies and what would happened if your combined your love for all those things. Can you create a business plan? Can you open your own office? 

As INFJ we are creative independents and we see things differently. It can be hard to make others see our vision but if we are in charge or establish said vision, it can be hard for others to imagine it any other way. I hope this was helpful.

Etra (not verified) says...

I'm a male INFJ(T). I've been an <EN-JP> translator for 2 years. It's a very enjoyable career and has a high payment.

Troy.D (not verified) says...

I'm a male INFJ and i totally get what your saying, I'm 17 and im picking what i want to do for university if i even end up going at this rate. I feel like it is typical for us to feel like this cuz i dont know what i want to do for a job or career yet, but it will have to be pationate and fulfilled by the job i feel. I also feel very anxious,  sensitive to curtain things and very observant to were its kinda weird. Im also a gemini so the indecisivness doesnt help at all.

I'm currently interested in photography and this is were im trying to be expressive at the moment. I would maybe try a creative outlet or a job where you can make people happy.

Sorry my reply is a mess, hope it helps. Just some of my idears.          /As im still at the earlier stages of life i dont know much else to help you unfortunatly, just dont feel bad as all you can do is explore more jobs and interests.

Guest (not verified) says...

You should be a hospice social worker!!! 

Jewelia (not verified) says...

I'm a female infj, & am interested in healing. However, because of my sensitivity, being a hospice worker would be far too difficult! I help people with natural remedies & prayer, however.  

BridgetLee says...

I have married an INFJ.  I am an ENFP.  We've been having a wonderful adventure for 14 years but sometimes it is hard work!  Any tips from you guys would really be appreciated.

WILD (not verified) says...

Briget can you expound on your question please? ENFP here in a relationship with an INFJ. When you say hard work what do you mean?

Mat (not verified) says...

INFJ here with an ENFP for 18 years now.

Our types are one of the pairs that are mirror opposites...our function stack order is the same but opposite orientations (dom Ne vs dom Ni, aux Fi vs aux Fe, etc). That means you have someone who in general terms "gets" the same things that you do, but who brings a fresh perspective to the process. Typically, the INFJ becomes perfect quiet, thoughtful audience for ENFP antics and expressions; the ENFP draws the INFJ out, offering a safe space for them to express themselves and share their hidden inner worlds.

With a little work and lots of patience, it's a natural pairing that's tough to beat.

Fahmida (not verified) says...

I am an INFJ and would love to meet other INFJs and ENFPs. How can I find people of these personality types?

WZY (not verified) says...

Here💁‍♀️

ESTP (not verified) says...

Only 1% of the comments is from INFJs ;)

JD Howell (not verified) says...

That's funny, 99% of the time... (INFJ)

Laurie Cannon (not verified) says...

When taking any personality test, one must as honest as one can with oneself. During one test, I was tempted to check the box that asked if I enjoy traveling to places I've never been to before. Sorry, Laurie. You know you're not a free-spirit globetrotter. Not really. I went alone to Greece in my twenties and cooped myself up in my hotel room for three days until hunger flushed me out of hiding! Also, it's probably best to answer the questions from the perspective of what you've been like for most of your life. I may have changed somewhat externally, but not much internally.

Raven Belote (not verified) says...

Yes. I've found it best to answer the questions on the test in light of how I actually am, and not how I would like to be. There is a huge difference. We may want to be one way, but being very truthful with ourselves and answering questions on how we actually are gives a truer result on our personality test.

Guest (not verified) says...

I'm so glad I took this test.  It's amazingly accurate.  I never really understood myself and being a man, I looked at my emotions as a character flaw.  I now see that they are my biggest blessing.  If anyone out there doesn't see it that way, try using your newly discovered gifts to help someone else.  I have noticed when I'm concentrating mostly on myself, I start to downward spiral and get depressed.  I can't begin to describe how amazing it feels to finally have an answer as to why I feel this way.  I work in a group home setting with mentally handicapped individuals.  Before I took this test, I was starting to wonder if I too had some sort of mental illness.  I was actually researching some possiblilities when I stumbled on this test.  I have read alot of thoughts that you all have shared and have noticed alot of differing beliefs on spirituality.  I myself am a Christian.   Not because I was raised that way or because it sounded nice, in fact I was very skeptical everytime someone would approach me to share their testimony.  Something my brother (a new Christian) told me clicked for me and sent me on my journey to discover the truth.  Knowing how skeptical I was and how the Bible was "just a book written by man", he advised me to go to the source.  Pray to God.  I have to admit I felt somewhat foolish when I finally did, like I was talking to an invisible friend or something.  I asked God (who I believed in) to show me the truth.  I didn't care what the truth was I just didn't want to believe a lie.  Obviously, my prayers were answered in short order.  The Bible says "I love those who love me, and those who seek me diligently find me."  Proverbs 8:17 ESV.  I strongly urge everyone to search diligently for the truth.  Death is the only certainty in life and this is the most important question you could ever ask.  God bless. 

Peace (not verified) says...

Hello! If you're looking for the truth, I recommend you study Islam. May the peace and mercy of Allah be with you.

Searching for truth led me to Islam (not verified) says...

Ameen. As a INFJ, previous Christian and searching for the meaning of life since I was 12, I second that recommendation.

Jennnn (not verified) says...

FEMALE collision estimator here! LOVE my job and beating the odds! Is exhausting tbh but I’m definitely good at it! 

INFJ-Guest (not verified) says...

Regarding 

  • Most likely of all types to cope with stress by seeing a therapist

Not entirely true. If the INFJ can trust a therapist, maybe... But INFJ types typically retreat into themselves and/or solitude when stressed primarily before seeing a therapist.

SexyCheeseburger (not verified) says...

Honestly, I'm big on finding someone (not necesarily a therapist) that you can talk to.  I've gone to therapists and its hard to find a good fit, but the one who worked best for me encouraged me to go out of my comfort zone.  I was guilty about wanting to try things that aren't necessarily responsible and felt very selfish and she encouraged me to try and to have fun and stop feeling so guilty about focusing on me rather than what everyone else wanted me to be.  Sometimes it helps to have someone encourage you when you are taking care of everyone else in your life.  

Catt (not verified) says...

I agree.  I would love to have a counselor / therapist to discuss things with, but I have had no luck finding one that I could trust or who was smart enough (I have a very high IQ as well), or who would accept my spiritual beliefs (Neo-pagan, sort of).  And like with dentists, a couple of bad experiences makes an INFJ very fearful to try again.

Ryylee (not verified) says...

Someone with a "high IQ" doesn't see the benefits in dentists and is also into spirituality...This is coming off like a tumblr post lol.

INFJ GUEST (not verified) says...

As an INFJ, I only need people I see as family and very close friends to help me cope with stress.

Ed C (not verified) says...

I strongly agree with this. As an INFJ, when I'm stressed, the most relieving thing for me is to turn around and give affection to my closest friends/relatives. Odd that focusing outwardly can heal so much inwardly.

Troy.D (not verified) says...

(Infj here) yeah i agree with that

McKennaT123456789 (not verified) says...

It says "most likely." Meaning statistics. It didn't say, "INFJs all receive therapy."

INFJ (not verified) says...

I felt the same way upon reading that non factual fact. Solitude and art are my therapists. The one time I actually did talk to a therapist, I ended up being the therapist's therapist. 

Jo - 100% INFJ (not verified) says...

TRUTH!!! I find that I only use a therapist to sound board my own private thoughts, and to hold me accountable - beyond that, I end up counselling them more often than not. Understanding that I am a STRONG INFJ, gave me great confidence in who I am and how I can affect my environment. Not being raised by my birthfamily - I felt like an alien, because these emotions that I could explain would put me into a tornado. It was very freeing just knowing this.

Mateusz (not verified) says...

True. I always try and solve my problems on my own in my head, at the end of the day Im me and I know whats best for me

Anthony86 (not verified) says...

I'm an INFJ. Years ago, I was somewhat borderline INFJ/P, but now it seems pretty clear. Lately, I've been discouraged, and so I re-took this test thinking I may have changed my values, or that maybe I was mistaken about what's truly important to me this whole time, and even though I thought I tried to not score as an INFJ, alas that's what the test just labeled me yet again.

Marc Beam (not verified) says...

I am INFJ also, but let's all remember it's only a test that identifies patterns. People are individuals. There are lots of exceptions to the rule. None of this needs to fit you Anthony86. And there is no value in making yourself fit a model that works for others if it doesn't work for you. Hugs. 

L.e.a (not verified) says...

Don't be discouraged. I too was discouraged initially. Take heart in knowing where your values lie, and how you can use your quiet strength to your advantage. In knowing your strengths, you can practice at your weaknesses if you like. Don't rage against who you are. Learn to be in flow with it.

Peter M (not verified) says...

I have known for a long time that I am INFJ and really proud of it and only a small percentage of us is even better.

Lor (not verified) says...

Haha, I felt the same way when I first learned I was my type. Now, as I learn about the implications of that, more often I think, "#@&%, I'm an INFJ! (Heeeeeelp!)" ;-D

LeAnn (not verified) says...

Decades ago when applying for a new job in my 20's I was told my type was an ENTJ and I also had the benefit of mirroring, which would be an excellent trait during my career.  At the time it didn't make much sense to me and the description didn't really fit what I knew about myself.  Nevertheless, my career marched on and actually worked out pretty well, finally I retired from management consulting.  That was a beautiful day, it was time.

Adjusting to not having to be somewhere to fix other people's issues was like Heaven to me, taking time to think about what I wanted and also to deal with sibling issues that had been long standing.  Never felt I belonged and had a history of being 'too quiet, too sensitive'. 

Through some positive therapy it became evident that at last I could be the personality I'd always been.  Took the test and was shocked to find myself an INFJ, it fit perfectly and the realization was amazing.

Through other classes locally, a numerology reading etc. it's been well established this is my true personality type.  Looking back at my childhood was the most revealing, very creative and wanting to save the world.  Still feel that way!

Also realized that my career forced me to be more outgoing but I always did the best when working on my own, fixing problems and implementing solutions.  When I left San Diego my agency supervisor later wanted to know when I would be moving back.  He then told me he wished he had 'a hundred more like' me, the ultimate compliment, for sure!

Finally, after all I've been though it is a wonderful life of peace, happiness and looking forward to creative expression.  Certainly I have a lot of experience to draw from and in some way help others.  We'll see which direction that goes, so many choices!

Lenae (not verified) says...

We are a serious bunch!  I relate to all of you and I feel your pain as it is also like my own.  I am an INFJ, though like many I think I was more of an INFP in my earlier years.  Like Dvan and Shannon W. I am also a Cancer zodiac sign.  I truly wish we could all find a way to have more INFJ's in our lives.  I don't think I have ever met one in person though to be accurate, I didn't really know what to look for until recently.  I am 56 years young and though I seem to have come to a comfortable place in my life, where I have come to terms with my strengths and weaknesses, I still struggle with accepting the inhumanity in our world and wish I could help change it.  I feel powerless to make a difference.  The past three or four years have been especially hard for me as an American citizen INFJ, because I care deeply about maintaining our Democracy, and upholding the Constitution, and going beyond the Constitution to make our government more just and inclusive to everyone.  My empathetic nature, and my desire for truth and justice for all, makes living in a world of blatant self-promotion and constant lies and misinformation and corrupt politics, unbearable and very depressing.  Watching people blindly follow a bad path is very hard to accept.  I think that no matter which side a person falls on in regard to his/her political and moral beliefs, seeing the divisiveness play out in our country has to be frustrating for everyone.  We (INFJs) don't feel well in confrontational situations, and I have gained at least 20 pounds as I have reached out to food for comfort during this time of national crisis.  I wish I could say that I had been able to use this stress to activate my talents and as an activist to find a way to help overcome this situation.  I hope that I am not offending anyone as I have tried to express this frustration.  I am not trying to vilify those who sit on a different side of the conflict.  I just wish we could come together, understand the underlying beliefs that make us so firm in our convictions, and realize that we all want some of the same things, and find a compromise to bring us together.  All you very intelligent and talented and authentic INFJ's out there, if you can, find a way to inspire the world, if only your small part of it.  Let people see the beauty of your heart and the wisdom of your insight.  I have Celiac disease and other food intolerances, and though I work very diligently to avoid gluten and milk, I sometimes get exposed and feel very confused and sick.  This makes being productive and effective especially difficult at times.  So try as I might, I am less able to rise to the occasion and affect change.  Most of the time, I am working hard just to stay healthy enough to be a good wife and mother and caretaker.  So if you are lucky enough to be of sound mind and body, please be one of the ones who leaves the comfort of our nests, and risks conftontation, and makes a difference.  And thanks for posting here.  It was really good to see that there are others who face the same challenges.  One other thing, I am happily married for 32 years now.  I was fortunate enough to find a guy who loves me the way I am and I know that was a miracle.  He is always upbeat and fun and he grounds me when my frustration and emotions take me in a bad direction, he pulls me back to a more calm and healthy reality.  I hope you all find that kind of person who can give you the support and love you need.  I hadn't considered that being an INFJ guy could make finding a partner so difficult until I read some of the posts.  Be patient, there is someone out there who will love you just the way you are.  But, please don't think they have to be just like you.  For me it has been great having a partner who is very different and who views the world from a very different perspective.  We learn a lot from each other.  Pick someone positive who can make you laugh.  That is really good for the soul.  My husband does "Get Me" when it seems that noone else does.  What a gift that is for someone who wants to be accepted and understood more than anything else.  It's worth any sacrifice you have to make.  My sacrifice was following his career (moving often) and not being able to pursue my own career path.  I may not be a career success, but I have a really good relationship, and a peaceful home, and a great son.  It has been worth it.  The right person is key.  If our values, morals, and ideals were not in line, our marriage wouldn't work so well.  The right person is out there.  Hope you find that person for you.  If not, you are better off on your own with good friends.  Good luck.  And never give up hoping for and opening up to new possibilities.  Be well my INFJ sisters and brothers.

Big Smile (not verified) says...

Dear Lenae,

I know that you put your heart into your post, and I just want to tell you that you really touched me. Thank you, thank you for encouraging all of us that are blessed "to be of sound mind and body" to go out into the world and make a change. It's exactly what I needed to hear while I'm busy with a new project. I'm 33 years old and I wouldn't trade my recent life experiences to be younger. I used to wish I could go back in time and undo some of the simply terrible things that I did. Now, I can honestly say I have no regrets. There are tears in my eyes because I know in my heart of hearts that you're right - you have love and family and a lifetime committment of work to have achieved that - and that is your success; a career doesn't equal happiness. As someone who has made many career changes, it's been such a earth shattering lesson to learn to cultivate my peace from within and with my Faith. Thank you for the encouragement and for being who you are. Lots of love.

Torin says...

Lenae, thank you for sharing your story. I appreciate your words as I am very young (16) and feel that I have the time and resources to change the world for the better. Hopefully I can take up your challenge to find authenticity in the world. I'm sure you have made a greater positive impact than you realize. 

Bonnie P. (not verified) says...

Hi Lenae, thank you for your writing.  I resonated with so much of what you wrote and I am delighted to find a group of INFJ's.  I happen to be what's been called an "omnivert" because I test equal in introvert and extrovert.  Before I knew about the M-B's test a therapist suggested that I was an introvert masquerading as an extrovert.  It changed my life.  I finally understood why I would retreat from large gatherings and feel so easily overwhelmed and depleted.

As an omnivert, I have the ability to speak to larger groups and extend myself into situations that require a more extroverted nature.  My deep desire, which you all understand, is to change the world.  I've imagined "an army" of compassion trainers working in the public school system (eventually the Exeter's of the world as well where it is most needed) doing what I do as a therapist but at the root level: catching parents early, as well as teachers and administrators, to change the culture of school as well as the culture of home life.

I am tired of working as a therapist doing trauma work and teaching skill sets to one traumatized person at a time when the need is so great.  We have wonderful programs that exist to develop compassion and heal trauma: NVC (Non-violent Communication), RC (Re-evaluation Counseling which is learning to be peer counselors), AIT and EFT, Meyers/Briggs,  The Bahai Virtues Project, Brene Brown's work, etc.  This knowledge practiced needs to be fundamental to every child's experience supported by the adults in their lives so it can "gel".  We need to also help young parents pre-natally to understand how much their emotions are affecting the experience of their unborn child.  In Bali, Indonesia people are taught through the generations to not disturb a sleeping pregnant woman, men are not allowed to get angry at their pregnant wives.  Theirs is a gentle loving culture. 

This past year, in what I can carve out as free time, I have written a large outline for school change, started some policy writing and have a connection with a State Senator from Hawaii who wants to bring ideas to the legislature.  While I have 35 years of experience in my field I have little political experience and need help understanding the system.  I am writing this because your writing Lenae inspired me and I am operating by putting one foot in front of the other in my activities as Spirit moves me.  Having just become aware of this remarkable group of INFJ's I am extending myself to you brilliant folks who might find my work valuable to support in any way that can be imagined.  The vision is bigger than I can handle alone.  I liken it to the emancipation of slaves; "Harriet" was recently so inspiring.  I need my group of "abolitionists".  Anyone care to join?  Warm regards, Bonnie

PS Shifting to a culture of compassion at the fundamental level of each person’s heart will help Americans wake up from the dream of a consumer lifestyle.  If you want to see change in the environment, in poverty, in prison reform, in any “ism”, let’s work together at this deep level.  If you feel so inspired, send this to friends and acquaintances you feel may be interested to offer their expertise and support.  Peace

 

Diane Ebden (not verified) says...

Hi Lenae, thank you so much for your lovely post!  I too am a Cancerian - isn't it weird how so many of us INFJs are?!  I am still looking for that special guy so well done you on finding one(!) but I have a fabulous group of friends here in England.  I really got so much out of your post, how typically INFJ-ish of you to write such a meaningful piece!  Best wishes, Diane 

Strawberrypop (not verified) says...

To all the INFJs out there who feel it's impossible, yes. You can have a good relationship that lasts. That's not a blanket statement that you WILL, but it is possible.

I'm an INFJ, married to an ISFJ. He's like kozy shack rice pudding. As vanilla as it gets, but genuine and deeply comforting. I'm some kind of weird dessert you'd get at a fancy restaurant where you have to crack open a chocolate egg and then something fizzes. But I taste good, I guess?

I think that as INFJs we sometimes get hung up on finding someone who is just like us, but that isn't necessarily what works best for us. My husband's stability and groundedness as an ISFJ are things that I thought I would have troubles with, but it's just the opposite. He's my kite string. He gives me just enough connection to reality that I can really soar. And he knows when to reel me in for a cozy night at home away from the storm before I get overwhelmed. At the same time, he is drawn to my imagination and my sensitivity. I open up new ways of thinking for him, and fill his life with things that he didn't even know he needed, like Tolstoy novels and Korean hot sauce. 

Obviously, this is just what works for me. But you might consider looking less for a kindred spirit, and more for someone willing to be rock and your safe place, while admiring you as an amazing, strange, wonderful person that brings light and color to their world.

Guest (not verified) says...

Your husband sounds like a genuine protector. :)

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