INFJ
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The INFJ Personality Type

INFJs are creative nurturers with a strong sense of personal integrity and a drive to help others realize their potential. Creative and dedicated, they have a talent for helping others with original solutions to their personal challenges.

The Counselor has a unique ability to intuit others' emotions and motivations, and will often know how someone else is feeling before that person knows it himself. They trust their insights about others and have strong faith in their ability to read people. Although they are sensitive, they are also reserved; the INFJ is a private sort, and is selective about sharing intimate thoughts and feelings.

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What does INFJ stand for?

INFJ is one of the sixteen personality types created by Katharine Briggs and Isabel Myers. INFJ is an acronym for the personality traits of Introversion, iNtuition, Feeling, and Judging. The INFJ type is also called the "Counselor" and is described as idealistic, compassionate, and sensitive.

Each of the four letters of the INFJ code signifies a key personality trait of this type. INFJs are energized by time alone (Introverted), focus on ideas and concepts rather than facts and details (iNtuitive), make decisions based on feelings and values (Feeling) and prefer to be planned and organized rather than spontaneous and flexible (Judging).

How common is the INFJ personality type?

INFJ is the rarest type in the population. It is the least common type among men, and the third least common among women (after INTJ and ENTJ). INFJs make up:

  • 2% of the general population
  • 2% of women
  • 1% of men

Famous INFJs

Famous INFJs include Mohandas Gandhi, Eleanor Roosevelt, Emily Bronte, Carl Jung, Fyodor Dostoevsky, Florence Nightingale, Shirley MacLaine, Jimmy Carter, and Edward Snowden.

INFJ Values and Motivations

INFJs are guided by a deeply considered set of personal values. They are intensely idealistic, and can clearly imagine a happier and more perfect future. They can become discouraged by the harsh realities of the present, but they are typically motivated and persistent in taking positive action nonetheless. The INFJ feels an intrinsic drive to do what they can to make the world a better place.

INFJs want a meaningful life and deep connections with other people. They do not tend to share themselves freely but appreciate emotional intimacy with a select, committed few. Although their rich inner life can sometimes make them seem mysterious or private to others, they profoundly value authentic connections with people they trust.

How Others See the INFJ

INFJs often appear quiet, caring and sensitive, and may be found listening attentively to someone else’s ideas or concerns. They are highly perceptive about people and want to help others achieve understanding. INFJs are not afraid of complex personal problems; in fact, they are quite complex themselves, and have a rich inner life that few are privy to. They reflect at length on issues of ethics, and feel things deeply. Because Counselors initially appear so gentle and reserved, they may surprise others with their intensity when one of their values is threatened or called into question. Their calm exterior belies the complexity of their inner worlds.

Because INFJs are such complex people, they may be reluctant to engage with others who might not understand or appreciate them, and can thus be hard to get to know. Although they want to get along with others and support them in their goals, they are fiercely loyal to their own system of values and will not follow others down a path that does not feel authentic to them. When they sense that their values are not being respected, or when their intuition tells them that someone’s intentions are not pure, they are likely to withdraw.

INFJ Hobbies and Interests

Popular hobbies for the INFJ include writing, art appreciation, cultural events, reading, socializing in small, intimate settings, and playing or listening to music.

Facts about INFJs

Interesting facts about the INFJ:

  • Least common type in the population
  • On personality trait scales, scored as Sincere, Sympathetic, Unassuming, Submissive, Easygoing, Reserved and Patient
  • Among highest of all types in college GPA
  • Among most likely to stay in college
  • Most likely of all types to cope with stress by seeing a therapist
  • Highest of all types in marital dissatisfaction
  • Personal values include Spirituality, Learning, and Community Service
  • Commonly found in careers in religion, counseling, teaching, and the arts

Source: MBTI Manual

Quotes About INFJs

"The visions of the INFJs tend to concern human welfare, and their contributions are likely to be made independent of a mass movement."

- Isabel Briggs Myers, Gifts Differing

"These seclusive and friendly people are complicated themselves, and so can understand and deal with complex ethical issues and with deeply troubled individuals."

- David Keirsey, Please Understand Me II

"INFJs' nonstop search for learning, self-growth, and development—and wishing the same for everyone else—makes them very reassuring to others and people worth emulating."

- Otto Kroeger, Type Talk at Work

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Comments

Louise Sansam (not verified) says...

Wow you are the male vison of me! I cud sit and read your words all day!

RA (not verified) says...

Strangest thing, has anyone else had this happen?  I have lost friends in trying to help them - and I DO help them.  I help them to see beyond the situation they got themselves into, and how they can move from this point onward.  I am honestly compassionate of them and let them do the talking, it helps them.  Then their circumstances change and who is left in the dust?  Me.  All of a sudden, because I helped them, I am a reminder or something (?) of their bad experiences?  I don't know, but it has happened a couple times.  So unfortunately now, I have had to totally reject my impulse to help others, and I trust no one.  My husband and my philosophy is "don't get involved!"  It doesn't pay.  Curious if any other INFJs have had anything like this happen to them... ?  Some 'counselor' I am!!  LOL

Shannon W. says...

Oh my gosh ! YES ! I’m totally right there with you , then the antilitic in me starts breaking down and wondering why I’m totally out now. Peace and Happiness to you, most importantly we have to always remember our own self love and care. We tend to forget , and not take care of ourselves. Should I have used “I” statements maybe.......lol

Guest (not verified) says...

Yes this has happened to me!! I had one friend who I helped out of a bad place, offering advice, lending her money occasionally (I haven't seen a penny back of that money), inviting her to stay with my family, even over Christmas etc. Then all of a sudden she gets a job and a boyfriend and now I don't hear from her anymore. Actually the one time I ever needed something from her, I was in hospital and had just had an opertaion. I was feeling a bit lonely and all I wanted was a simple conversation just to say 'hey how are you, I just had this, this and this happen to me and now I'm in hospital'. She opened the message but never responded! I feel so deflated when I put so much effort into something or someone but get tossed aside like yesterday's news when they don't need me anymore! 

draco (not verified) says...

It usually happens, especially after your usefulness to them expires. It happened to me as well more than once. It's easy to approach someone and beg for help, but once you don't need that person anymore, most will simply move on and forget about the one who helped them.

My philosophy when it comes to helping others is "If you need something to eat because you can't pay for your meal, or, if you need something to wear because you don't have the money for new clothes, I'll help you to the best of my possibilities. Just don't ask me for money." Lending money is a mistake, I've learned that from many bad experiences. But I'm always willing to help in any other way I can. I don't expect anything in return as well; if said person doesn't want to stick around afterwards, that's fine to me. If I'm able to help them, I'm happy for it. : )

I'm willing to say that the "counselor" part doesn't always imply for you to take action and get involved directly with the situation. We are perfectly capable of helping someone simply by giving our insight about the situation; that's probably our best trait, and it involves nothing more than words. 

Timberwood (not verified) says...

Draco, you have to be reading my mind.

You guys have all said the the same things Ive always thought and it's super comforting to me. I juat am actually glad to meet other INFJs. I don't know if its just me or do you guys feel like INFJs were born in the wrong time period? Like someone set us here during this age and left us with an inate need to change the world? Just a forewarning, Im going to say some pretty crazy stuff here, but I think as INFJs you guys will either COMPLETELY understand to point of laughing or getting chills or you just might be sympathic enough because thats what we do naturally....         

  Okay here's my possibly mind blowing, world stopping speech. I feel like sometimes Im literally not human because of things we can do that we KNOW all the other types cannot. Like being able to know the emotion of a room full of people the second you walk through a door. Or being able to basically absorb another person's emotions even if they are complete strangers.

I am a senior in high school and I am friends with just about everyone possible and I, for the most part, am pretty popular even though I dont want to be, Im not aiming to be, and as a matter of fact I detest popularity.  Even though I have I tons of friends, not a single soul actually understands me. I don't have an actual best friend even though I want one but at the same I dont.

You ever feel like your idea of an relationship is vastly different than everyone else's? I feel like a relationship with someone should be indescrible. A relationship should be like connecting the very soul of your life force to someone else's and they are doing so as well, yet you still keep your individuality. I feel like sex with that person should be so true and meaningful. That your only goal is to make sure they are completely satisfied and vice versa (its probably also funny that you might be thinking "wow. He actually is talking about REAL sex", but you've secretly wanted to talk about that with someone you trust).You ever want a friendship so real that you truly LOVE your best friend that its almost to the point that you feel like connected to them just like your husband or wife and even at the same level of bond but it has a different meaning.

You ever realize the large amount of talents we have (physical, mental, spiritual, and emotional). We can think and know just as intelligent as a scientist and yet feel and experience the world like poet.   

You ever feel a connection in every physical environment? Like the city and the woods feel like home to you. You ever try to look at someone and see them as beautifully and handsomely as you possibly can.

You ever feel like you might be more than one type of personality. Almost like you might schizophrenic but you know you are not.                                        

You ever like the world, nature, time, space, and the universe is trying to tell you something. I feel as if INFJs may have caught a glimpse of something that might give us a clue (Search up Carl Jung. He also was an INFJ who discovered the Monomyth and Primal Memory. I swear to God if you into it you will get chills). You ever think that the Multiverse Theory is true?

 I have plenty of other thoughts I want to share because as an INFJ, I have lots. Besides... I think this is pretty damn long.HAHA! Also. Sorry if I messed up with grammar, spelling, or just simply missing or repeating words.

                                                                                             

Mike 0167 (not verified) says...

You are not alone Timberwood.  Like myself, you are definitely an INFJ, but you ae also an EMPATH.

I am amazed that you are only in high school and have this level of undersatanding about this.  Good for you.

Maybe you will be the one to figure out how and what we all should be doing with our abilities?

draco (not verified) says...

My regards Timberwood, I’ll address a few of your points here.

“I don't know if its just me or do you guys feel like INFJs were born in the wrong time period? Like someone set us here during this age and left us with an inate need to change the world?”

 

In all honesty, even if we were born in a different time period, the world would still have a need for change. The world isn’t fair, it never was. You wouldn’t find children starving to death and there wouldn’t be wars killing millions if that was the case. The question here is: what can we do with the limited time we have in this earth to make the world a better place?

 

I don’t have a loud enough voice to make a significant difference to the world, but, even being just another unknown guy out there, I can always try and make a difference to the people around me. This is our purpose as INFJs— help those around us who are going through a bad time in their lives. It’s not only our purpose, but also something embedded into our very core as human beings— something just as important and natural as breathing.

 

“ …being able to know the emotion of a room full of people the second you walk through a door. Or being able to basically absorb another person's emotions even if they are complete strangers.”

 

I do relate to this. Given enough time you can almost read what that person is thinking, or predict a reaction to a specific situation. It’s also not very difficult to know when someone is lying through their teeth.

 

We are for the most part observers; we study people behavior in a myriad of situations, so that when the time comes, we know how to act accordingly. I personally am guilty to this. I often overexert in this aspect, searching for something special that sparks my curiosity. But this only happens whenever I find someone interesting enough to do so, otherwise I’ll lose my interest very quickly.

 

“…for the most part, am pretty popular even though I dont want to be, Im not aiming to be, and as a matter of fact I detest popularity.”

 

It’s easy for us to get the trust of other people rather quickly, and more often than not, they’ll feel enough confidence to reveal more about them that they don’t often talk about openly. I would argue that we’re not just good listeners, but also good advisers. How often does another person come to you and simply talk about their life? They know that you’re able help them out whenever something comes up in their life, and even if you can’t, the conversation itself will feel interesting enough to them— thought-provoking at the bare minimum.

 

Those interactions will make you popular, even if you don’t want that kind of attention. I certainly have many, many people that do trust me and my insight, and will often talk to me whenever they need some advice. Now, do I seek that kind of attention to feed my ego? No I don’t, and I would hate myself if I ever fall that low in life. I guess that’s just the nature of the beast; if you’re a good person and demonstrate your values to others, people will enjoy being around you. It’s a good thing in my perspective, but it can become overwhelming at times.

 

“Even though I have I tons of friends, not a single soul actually understands me. I don't have an actual best friend even though I want one but at the same I dont.”

 

It’s only natural, many people don’t want to accept different points of view in regards to how you should behave in modern society— you either join them in mediocrity, or you’ll be seen as an outcast. Only a few people understand my motives, or at the very least, accept my nature. The rest? I’m most likely a mystery to them. Not that I actually care about it, though.

 

Real friends are hard to come by, and the more you look for one, the harder they seem to find. I believe that friendship is something that happens naturally, just like falling in love with someone. If you try to force it though, in an attempt to feel less lonely or something of the sort, showing clear signs that you’re in need of some comfort, it may lead to the other person abusing that weakness of yours for selfish reasons. It can be quite dangerous and traumatic if you’re not prepared for a situation like this.

 

Friendship often involves a complex balance between your common interests and how committed you actually are to interact with the other person— if said person isn’t really all that interesting to talk to, despite having a common interest with you, you’ll most likely lose your interest. Same thing goes to when you find someone interesting, but you have nothing in common with him/her, and a boulder of ice will take form between the two of you.

 

My advice is pretty simple, just be true to yourself and always behave the way you usually do. When you less expect it, someone will befriend you and will stick around for years and years to come.

 

“You ever feel like your idea of an relationship is vastly different than everyone else's?”

 

I believe this is one of the main reasons people have a hard time understanding who we truly are. Love and devotion walk side by side to me, and without either of them, the relationship devolves simply into passion— a simple carnal desire.

 

A simple look, a simple touch from your loved one should be more than enough to pick you up from the ground on a bad moment of your life. The usage of words shouldn’t be required to deliver a message— you’ll know exactly how your loved one feels when you’re together. Sexual intercourse would feel like (as you’ve said) the merging of your very souls into a single one, something that not many people would know the meaning of. Everything should be built around the utmost truth, where no doubt remains between the two.

 

Tell me now, how many people see a relationship in this manner, other than in a poetic or simply fictional way? How many people believe something like this is even possible?

 

Well… I vehemently believe this is what true love actually means. I also believe it is possible to achieve such a high level of affinity towards your loved one, despite being a long road that many fail to traverse.

 

“You ever feel a connection in every physical environment? Like the city and the woods feel like home to you.”

 

Yes, especially if I’m the only one around in that place. The sound of crashing waves in the ocean feels almost like therapy to me. The absolute silence under a starry sky fills me with thoughts; carrying me to very distant places as I sit quietly appreciating its immense beauty.

 

It’s hard to explain exactly what it is, but moments like these give me a sense of peace. I feel revitalized whenever I have the time to spend with nature like this. Maybe it stimulates some primal sense that is kept dormant for the most part of my busy, busy life? I don’t know… it’s a really interesting thing though.

 

“You ever feel like you might be more than one type of personality.”

 

Sometimes, but at my very core I stand as an INFJ. I can pretend I’m someone else for the most part of my day, but when something comes in direct conflict with my inner values, I have a hard time partaking in it.

 

It’s hard to fight against your own nature, and if you do, you’ll feel terrible about it.

 

“You ever think that the Multiverse Theory is true?”

 

I could ramble about this topic all day long, but since this message is long enough as is, I’ll keep my answer short.

 

To a degree yes, I believe this is pretty much possible. However, whatever balance we have in our universe, could be pretty much turned upside down if we ever find a way to fiddle with reality itself. Have you imagined one day getting home, and as soon as you open your front door, you find a perfect copy of you walking around the house? How crazy and scary would that be?

 

There’s plenty more I could discuss about this, but I’ll leave it at that.

 

Now, something that I didn’t expect when I first commented in this website, was the amazing reception my comments are taking from you people who relate to the crazy things I say here. I feel flattered beyond belief, you people are amazing! Thanks to all of you!! :)

Pws1735 (not verified) says...

Thanks for the insight, Draco.  I'm a male infj, too and I feel like I've never really fit in - although I certainly can adapt to most situations.

Guest (not verified) says...

I kinda have similar experience like you. Since I entered junior high school. I just felt different of any other else in my school. I think too deep. my values do not match to them. High school is the same experience. People just don't understand me. Actually it's my fault that I am not willing to open up but once again their values are different from mine even though I got into the top school in my country. I'm just tired sometimes being different from any other else in my school. I want many friends as possible. Seems fun. :(

Windyelephant (not verified) says...

I feel in your case even though your values are different than others, you've got to accept the difference in values and contradictions. If you want a friend(s) this is one of many ways to find friendship. You can try to argue your values and even though you don't get your point through, at least you were able find a outlet for your ideals/emotions. If by coincidence, anyone who did listen, will peek a interest and try to start a form of relationship. If you feel like you don't have confidence to do so like argue a point across, there is a practice I learned about gaining self confidence. You pretend and see yourself as a confident person. A projection of the self. Surely, it'll be really weird at first because you're lying to yourself. However, if practiced for a while, being confident becomes second nature and you'll forget pretending to be confident and actually be confident. You are in junior high, take a few or heck many risks. Just remember to make positive change around you and yourself. Change isn't initiated without the thought to want/need. Then action, and lastly an reflection of yourself. 

draco (not verified) says...

Honestly, at this point in life and after so many disappointments, I hardly need or want people around me. True, it's amazing when you're around people that respect you for who you are and do not constantly try to change something in you that it's utterly futile. Because, in my case, I tend to go back to my roots; to what gives me the peace I need for myself. There's no escape from that, at least not for me.

I do accept people for who they are, and what they believe in. Doesn't mean however that I'll befriend them, and frankly, I'm getting more and more disappointed with the people that so casually throw words like "love" or "friendship" at me with no real meaning. Every relationship nowadays seems to be fueled by ulterior motives; a game of interests. I absolutely despise that, and as soon as I notice that it may be the case, things will never be the same again with said person. 

Yeah that's true. I had to learn on how to be a confident person, and even say things that otherwise I would never say to "fit in". It's like second nature by now, despite not really believing many things that I do or say to others. Hardly anything gets to me these days, and to be honest, that's for the better. I'm feeling though, that I became a really cold person meanwhile; apathetic to many, many things in my life.

Windyelephant (not verified) says...

If you're comfortable and not down in the feels. You are where you should be. :)

draco (not verified) says...

Most people won't understand who we are because their perceptions and values often don't allow them to see further than what they feel it's right for them-- hence why we have so much difficulty fitting in. Those who call you a friend, don't often know the true meaning of the word; what it asks out of them. Most will cower in fear, and even join the bullies, when their "friend" is being harassed for his/her true nature.

I hardly have any friends, but honestly, I wouldn't trade a good friend of mine for a group of people that at the end of the day will shun and harass you when your usefulness expires. This has happened to me in the past and because of that I stopped depending on other people and trusting them the way I used to, as it hurts way more when someone you trust and respect treats you like garbage...

tashawalkup says...

You've managed to take those words strait from my lips. I've told my loved ones many, many times over the years, it seems to go in one ear and out the other, and just entirely dismissive when I speak. I believe that you and I could benefit a great deal if we were to establish a sincer friend ship with one another

draco (not verified) says...

In essence, our family and friends simply cannot see who we truly are. It's the same as trying to teach a child to read; most concepts about the language can't be taught in a single class, it needs to be a slow process to burn this knowledge into their minds. But there are those who simply don't care about learning and prefer to dismiss it right away as "it's too hard, I can't understand it". So, there are people who do at least try to slowly understand you and respect your thoughts, even if they don't agree with them, and there are those who simply don't understand the basic concept that we are all different and want to pull you into their mindset almost by force, dismissing everything you say as rubbish.

You simply can't win against these people, even if you try to explain yourself to them (not that you need to or should do that though). They may agree with you at some point, but in the next day, it all goes back to square one and the bullying or the lecture in "how to be a man" or "how to behave as a man" starts all over again. It's truly not worth it to try and convince others that you're different, it simply won't flow. In time, people grow accustomed with the idea of having us around, not that it will stop them from giving you the occasional lecture but hey, it's a start at least.

Sure why not? It's always important and fun to talk to other people, we may even be able to help each other out in understanding ourselves better. :)

MelissaC (not verified) says...

You speak as if you're in my head. Wow, just beautiful!

draco (not verified) says...

Thanks! :) It only goes to show that people with our same mindset do exist. I felt lost and alone throughout my life thinking that I was the only one thinking this way, now I don't feel so alone anymore. :)

Lolilanlu (not verified) says...

I’ve always known I was different...and tried to find a way to fit in. I never thought I belonged with my family even, so I searched the back of milk cartons to see if I’d find my picture. I am just now finding out all these things about myself, and it’s very overwhelming...but at least it’s starting to make sense too.

Phonenix (not verified) says...

You are definitely NOT alone and with a forum like this, we are reminded of that. That said, the next experience will initially take us back to that place where we feel like the only person who exist that feel and think the way we do. I hope that this forum will remind you, me, and everyone else here, that WE ARE NOT ALONE! Whew, that felt good. 

bobby boshay (not verified) says...

absolute peach

Bubblezz (not verified) says...

Same here! This is a real eye opener to me and so comforting to know that other people out there think similar to me when I had a difficult time finding it. I always felt like an "outsider" or "misunderstood" especially throughout high school and college years even though I always had a social life and friends. Real connections with people were always lacking. 

draco (not verified) says...

I don't have all that many people that I can say without a doubt that are my friends, real friends. Those are pretty hard to come by, but when you meet one, it's usually for life. The word "friend" or "friendship" is usually thrown without much thought given to it nowadays, but having a real friendship with someone else, involves way more effort than a single message on social media like many were made to believe. In our case, I believe it's somewhat harder to make friends because we're loners by nature, so we don't fit in all that well in modern society to begin with...

 

This doesn't really bother me though, as I've learned not to depend on other people many years; it usually only leads to disappointment in the end...

Hermione (not verified) says...

I feel as if there is no one out there that feels the same way as we do. As individuals there would be a difference in thought process among us all, but due to the fact that we are all human, our central morals and understanding of right and wrong is usually somewhat alike. Everywhere, you see prime examples of people that HAVE achieved something that impacts the world in some way. There's so much pressure to BE something because there is no point in living if nothing can be done or achieved. There are countless problems sitting there, rotting, getting worse as we humans ignore the fact that they exist solely because the term fear exists. I understand that you feel the need to improve, because I too, feel the same way. We are loners and it's been that way for so long, that if changed, would be unnatural. What you're looking for is there. It's in you, because you are the beautiful that you're looking for inside.

draco (not verified) says...

Throughout my life I met vastly different people and I usually like to play a little game of "test your personality and values", usually on a complete innocent conversation not to make it too obvious to them. From what I've seen and heard, their definition of right or wrong can differ vastly from my own on many, many levels. Some believe that stealing is wrong, but they can't resist the urge to do it despite knowing it's wrong. Same goes to other situations like, cheating on your partner, lying, hurting others emotionally or physically, the list goes on...

When I see such situations, I can't bring myself to just accept what's going on in front of my eyes because "it's how it's supposed to be". I've seen so much injustice in my life that I really don't care if I get in trouble by expressing myself about it. Some people are worse than monsters, and I like to let them know about it.

If we want to make a difference, we have to start with the people that surrounds us every single day like family, schoolmates or workmates. I'm a loner at heart and I do need to be one because that's who I am, but being part of the human society, makes us deal with other people even if we don't want to. Some will respect you and help you out of the goodness of their heart, while others will simply try to take advantage of you especially if your will is weak to try and defend yourself. But as long as I live, I won't allow injustices like this to happen without fighting them to the best of my abilities. It may seem like I'm a contentious person, but it couldn't be further from the truth because I don't like arguments, but sometimes we just have to act, rather than just being a spectator in something that makes you sick in the stomach.

Pristine (not verified) says...

Man can I relate here. I often feel like a square peg trying to fit into a round hole. It actually amazes me how people can be so contradicting. Because of all of my experiences, as a rule, I don't trust people. Thank God I do have those I do trust, even though it's a very small number (I can't count on one hand). Me, I pride myself on being honest and the few times I have had to lie, man it hurts. Besides, I am terrible at lying. So what I've learned to do is to basically keep my mouth shut.

For me, I just try to make a difference by just being myself and treat others how I want to be treated. Now if I only I could use these traits of mind and find a good job that suits because that's been my biggest struggle.

draco (not verified) says...

You said it all here. I also don't trust other people that easily because at the slightest change that I don't like in their behavior, it's gonna leave a bad taste in my mouth that won't go away that easy. Even if it is a small thing. I am honest and I hate people who lie all the time, especially when they do it in their own benefit. But I do understand an occasional lie if it doesn't affect others negatively. And to be honest I don't like doing that myself, I feel terrible when I have to do it, as it goes against everything I am.

True, I too treat others with respect all the time, unless of course someone crosses the line-- when that happens, I don't lower myself to their level but I do say everything I have to say, whether if said person likes it or not. It's tough to follow our dreams nowadays with all the barriers we have living in a society. I can only hope that you find the perfect job for you, I certainly am not so lucky to have found the one for me, but there should be places well worse than that I suppose. Just have some faith and keep fighting to achieve your dreams! ;)

Pristine (not verified) says...

Thank you. Well, I have unfortunately been betrayed by both kith and kin so I have a pretty good reason for not trusting others. But I learned that bitterness will only hurt me in the end and I always put myself first now because that way I can than help others. It took my awhile to learn that too. I was raised to "always help others", but I've learned that if you keep on giving, you can lose yourself (which I think is a struggle for INFJ types). I've taken that path and it really led me to almost making the biggest mistake in life. Thank God I didn't cross that line.

At this point, just being financially independent is my dream. I've had tastes of freedom a few times, once through college when for one year I stayed at the dorms, and those were the times when I was truly happy. I was active and productive and felt like I was actually doing something.

Phonenix (not verified) says...

Hmmm, I agree with pretty much everything you stated, with one small difference. I’m typically willing to trust someone until they’ve given me a reason not to, or if my intuition dictates otherwise. The trust, however, does come with some pessimism, or in some cases, lowered expectations. To most, that might sound like a contradiction or may even sound complicated; for me though, it makes perfect sense, hence, INFJ.

draco (not verified) says...

Yeah I know the feeling... People can grow accustomed to always being on the receiving end instead of doing things themselves. At some point we just have to close our hands and make them understand that life isn't just begging for help; we have to deal with the problems ourselves and not always waiting for the goodwill of others to help us out. I often hear around these parts: "if you want to lose a friend, just lend him/her money", and it's quite the truth because even if that person pays you back, he/she'll most likely keep asking for more until he/she stops giving it back. You'll be pressed to confront him/her and your friendship will most likely end there as the trust has already been tainted.

There are limits on how we can help others, easy money will make people subconsciously believe that they can get away with debts by constantly asking others for money, which in turn, will probably lead to these situations.

When I help other people, I do it of my own free will. I don't wait or ask for anyone to return the favor later on because whatever I did to help them, was because I wanted to. You can still help others in a way that won't hurt you financially or emotionally, you just have to know when to extend or pull back your hand, it may hurt them, but sometimes people just have to understand when to stand on their own two feet.

And yeah, despite having a job, I don't get that much income to have my own freedom; which is to go and live somewhere else, away from all the things that bother me, and do what I love the most in my life. I understand what you're feeling and I share the same opinion. It's too bad that life can be so cruel, but from all the defeats we get, we can always learn something from it and adjust ourselves the best way we can.

Outsider (not verified) says...

Feel the same way. Unfortunately it's only recently, at 38 years old, I am starting to resist my natural desire to help people every time. Even typing this makes me feel like a bad or selfish person. I read somewhere not long ago about what a homeless person's response was when asked how they got to the point they were currently in. To paraphrase, they basically said that through life in the process of building their "house" or "foundation" they slowly through this process gave a brick away to help someone and another to someone else. In the end they had no bricks left for themselves. In a sense I am envious of a person that gives whenever they are able to give but it sure seems like in this world there are so many that take and take with only themselves in mind with no afterthought to give the brick back when they are able. I try to go into situations with helping people that I should expect nothing in return but it still seems disappointing in the end.

draco (not verified) says...

There should be limits as to when we open or close our hands. Lending money is often a mistake, and most people only ask for money because if they can get away with it the first time, they will most likely ask you again and again for more. If someone is really in dire need of help then give them the means to survive: "you need a warm meal, and you have no money to get one? fine, I'll prepare one myself or buy one somewhere.", "you need some warm clothes for winter? fine, I'll give you some old clothes that I don't use anymore or, let's get some new ones from a shop nearby". Just 2 examples here, but as you can see, you can still help people without leading them to abuse from your generosity-- some things don't necessarily have much of an impact in your life, so why would you need to part with money directly? That would only lead to abuse later on.

 

I personally would only feel disappointed for helping someone, if said person decided to stop fighting entirely to have a better life. Sometimes it's easier to simply be dependant on other people's generosity, other than fighting to achieve something tangible in life. It's a pretty sad sight in my opinion...

MJI says...

This is my reasoning for not giving money to homeless people. I rather not be an enabler. I live in a city  so I get asked every time I'm out. The answer for money will always be "No." If they are genuinely interested in finding services to help find them build their job skills or find a way to get into public housing, then I may point them in the right direction.  But those willing to ask for the later are rare and far between. Asking for money is the most common.

Guest (not verified) says...

I totally understand what you're saying. Just... don't settle, okay? It's better to never marry than to settle for someone who doesn't fulfil your needs and make you feel as comfortable in who you are as when you're on your own. Life isn't all about romance and sex. There's so, so much more to it. INFJs have been given the gift of seeing that in our world, and it's amazing!!

draco (not verified) says...

If I were to settle for someone just to make these people who don't understand who I am happy, I would just be lying to myself, and especially to the other person. But in the end, I don't want to do that, mostly because I know that I wouldn't be able to give my everything to her since my life has been revolving around work and some other things. I don't really need or want to divert my attention from it. Especially knowing that having someone in your life takes a lot of your time and attention towards your partner.

To be honest, I prefer having a really good friend; someone you can talk to on a daily basis about things that are happening with your life and the sort, rather than someone to share my bed with. It's as simple as that, but throughout my life there has always been those who think that I'm just too afraid to approach a woman and "get laid" because that seems to be the epiphany of what it means to be a man for some reason. Even if in the end, that act would feel empty to me. But this is the society we live in so what can I do other than making my point clear to those who think they are better than me just because they are married or with someone? I used to avoid even talking to these people, but right now, I even laugh in their face for their stupidity and narrow-mindedness.

Outsider (not verified) says...

This might seem like oversimplifying but, when it's right, it's right. You'll know when it's right and you won't have to worry about your life revolving around work or other things. You will make the time and other changes in your life to accommodate the relationship. The funny thing is that you will do it happily and enjoy the changes you make to do it which, for me, were exciting because I don't typically jump to make major changes. All you can hope for is that when you find the right person is that you are also the right person for them. Sometimes that all just comes down to timing in your life and theirs. For me it did not work out but, looking back, I don't dwell negatively on the fact that it didn't work. Instead choose to appreciate the experience that I didn't think was possible and feel the way I felt. I learned a lot about myself and now know that it can happen. Taking this personality test and information on my results certainly makes me feel better about feeling like I don't fit in. I've always got along with all different types of groups when I was younger in school but never felt like I... had a solid place in any of them. Kind of a great thing in one way but not so easy on the head?

draco (not verified) says...

That is true. I will indeed feel when the time is right for love, and I will as well, involuntarily, make the time to be with the one I love. I was in that situation once, and believe me, I changed drastically during that time because I felt I had met the one woman that was meant for me. Turns out she wasn't, and looking back, I learned a lot from that experience; especially how you can be played by someone else when you dive deep into a one-sided relationship.

 

My defenses were pretty weak at the time, because of a depression that had settled in some time before that. I was desperately looking for some comfort; someone to lighten up the way for me, as the path I was walking in was dark and grim. She accidentally did that for me, and from a simple conversation, I began to like her. You know, it’s pretty easy to mistake an illusion for the one you want to be with— someone you picture in your head that doesn’t actually exist. I clung so hard to this illusion that even after discovering she was simply playing with me, I didn’t want to let go. It’s silly to even think this actually happened to me, especially after so many years and so many changes in my life…

 

To be honest, I haven’t completely discarded the possibility of falling in love again, but I won’t let myself be toyed with to this point ever again. Also, seeing that I’m not actively looking for a woman to share my life with right now, it will make the process even slower. If it happens, it happens, but I prefer my solitude and clear mindedness from all of the issues involved with a romance over anything else at the moment.

 

You see, I believe that we, the INFJ, are drawn to other people with the same mindset. So even if you get along with someone from another group, there will always be something that will bother you about that person. It can be something pretty insignificant but that feeling will nag you constantly, and you will eventually distance yourself. This happens a lot to me, especially when I see something about that person that isn’t quite right in my book. A group of people can be far worse in this respect, and these are always the first I usually jump out the fastest.

 

I don’t know about you, but I’ve embraced my solitude, and I hardly need a reason to move away from it. Also, sorry for answering like an year after or so… : (

kael (not verified) says...

it feels like it was writen by myself... like word by word, detail by detail...

Ela (not verified) says...

The sooner you understand it’s an illusion the better. Mine drained me for 5 years. Could never imagine I would almost volunteerely do so much damage to myself. Thank you life for your lesson 👌🏼

Laurie Smith (not verified) says...

I married an INFJ and am only one letter apart from him. He has many great qualities I love, as well as some qualities I detest. The part I detest the most is his secretiveness; I learned some things about his past that infuriated me, and became very sorry I married him and would not do it again. Because of his closed personality and being overly sensitive, it would be too disruptive, especially after 50 years, to get him to open up and talk honestly about it. What I would give to go back in time - I would avoid marriage completely because to me, it's not worth the work, heartache, and his cluttered mess he makes in every room! His good points just don't make up for these things. While I'm tired of pretending, I have no choice at this point. Sorry for the sad rant; besides this, I would be a free and happy person - I'm not the negative shrew this probably sounds like, ha!

vlouise (not verified) says...

Hi, I just read most of this conversation- I can't tell if I am an INFP or an INFJ. When I took the test 25 years ago I was an INFP. But anyway- I relate A LOT to what y'all are saying. I'm going to a therapist and saw her yesterday. Only seen her 6 times (6 months), but I feel like I am beating myself against a rock and I wonder what personality type she is. I take things very personally and I try not to. I'm trying to understaqnd myself within the walls of my own personality and not try to be so flexible that I lose myself. I often feel misunderstood and alone. Never been married because I won't settle. I would just be miserable with the wrong person and since I wear my heart on my sleeve, I know the other person would be miserable too. It's to read all of the conversation and feel like, yeah- I understand you because I feel the same way. Take care.

Bubblezz (not verified) says...

You hit the nail right on the head for me. I to do not have a problem falling in love but I do have a difficult time connecting to the "right" people. I usually fall in love with a person that doesn't really get me but loves me and tries hard to understand. I love him so much so I end up doing way too much and feel slightly resentful when the same effort isn't returned. I see certain things in him that he doesn't and most times I end up right in the end which astonishes him at times. I do not have issues getting friends but I to do have a difficult time staying close to most over time. I can see how this is the the most rare personality type. Reading these comments really gave me a warm comfort inside. I wonder if there are in person meetings for this?? That would be pretty cool. 

reikirach (not verified) says...

I really related to your post, I feel like an alien most of the time in relationships. No one has ever really 'got me' and relationships have been very difficult for me. I just can't seem to find happiness within because I'm so complex to most of the guys I've been with. Way too deep I've been told!!!  Actually I can relate to most of the posts and it's nice to know I'm not the only one... It makes me feel like I'm destined to be with someone who will never truly understand me. I have a great guy in my life but he does not understand me most of the time. I was starting to think I'm going crazy.

 

Thanks for all of the posts it makes me feel like I'm not alone in this world....I actually came here to see what the best career would be for my personality type seeing as I've just been made redundant and not been happy in any of my previous careers. I have always been naturally guided to counselling/life coaching/networking etc but have not had the self confidence to pursue it, even though most of my family and close friends say I would make a great counsellor. 

 

Oyunsan Dorjjadamba (not verified) says...

You are not alone! I am an alian too ;)))

Samantha Sarah (not verified) says...

reikirach, no you arent alone.   It must be possible as I found someone.  I have to tell you the shock to relatively recently discover just how well my husband knew me. Mostly :)  I think sometimes he doesnt know "what to do with me". 

 Frustratingly, I  spent years assuming that becasue he did  not relish the depth at which I enjoy diving ALL THE TIME  that  he wasnt as deep as I thought.   I was sooooo wrong.  I completely understimated him and I suspect many other people.   I must admit that Our points of connection are not as organic and as frequent as I wish but so much better than our earlier years.  

 I read somewhere else that for the people that are worth the concession , which he is, that we must learn to meet people half way.....is that settling?  ..my jury is still meeting.   

I have noticed a direct conection between my growth and awareness and my ability to recognise things in others I couldnt see before.  Appreciate before.  A spoonful of humility every now and then doesnt hurt.   

  Obviously Im here taking a refresher course on who I really am and am SUPER grateful for the few that I am able to connect with even if its for a short time. 

Been practicing gratitude like a religion. 

Its helping a lot.   

And Meditating on the fact that we are ALL connected on an energy level has also brought me much comfort.  Thats been a beautiful discovery.   The journey to self continues.  And also like you, I have had an inkling toward counselling/life coaching for sometime but was unwilling to pursue.  Things are changing all the time. 

 Take heart.  Be encouraged. 

reikirach (not verified) says...

Thanks Samantha, I can relate to your post for sure. My poor partner must feel completely lost when it comes to my depth. He is an ENFJ but he has no desire to have deep conversations about life like I do, and it has become quite an issue for me because I NEED to... I’ve had some big expectations of him that he just can’t live up to so I’m going to give him a break and attract my tribe of people to have those conversations with instead.

I’m really coming into full acceptance of who I am which has only taken 47 years lol... but better late than never hey... I’ve been on a spiritual journey for over 20 years and I’ve learned a lot and I’m very grateful for it all... I also find meditation helps and just being still... if I don’t get that time to myself I become very worn out. 

Its such a relief to know I’m not the only one out there who feels like this.... it helps me feel so much more connected... 

 

I am pursuing the life coaching route myself, I’m doing a course at the moment but I think my clients will be less main stream and more connected to discovering their life purpose and who they are and then taking the steps that could lead them down the road they truly want to go....it’s so inspiring and empowering watching that and if I can help even just a little I feel blessed.

You should pursue it if you feel inclined or explore it a little more maybe 😉

Rach

Samantha Sarah says...

 Rach, I'm almost 47 too!!!!!!!!! Like you I've felt the frustration of "it taking so long to get here" but ironically the only reason things are cracking open I believe is because I was "pushed" off the hamster wheel to enlightenment. 🙄😊

 

  Re: Building your tribe. I want in!!!

 

 I know that feeling of wanting what you want, in a partner,  But being FORCED outside your shell to get what we need!!  Lmao!!! Isn't that ironic? Under no other circumstances really. For me anyway. 

 

About your clients not being main stream : that is eerily similar to something a dear friend just said to me three days ago about who my clients will be. 

 

You just posted three weeks ago that you were thinking about counselling? 

 

How did you choose a life coaching course so fast? Do you like it so far? What's it called?

 

Nice to meet you!!!

 

Sam

reikirach (not verified) says...

Lovely to meet you Sam 😊 

it’s soooo good to know I’m not crazy and other people can relate... this site has helped me not feel so alone. 

Im just in the process of creating the group, I’m trying to think of a name... I originally came up with abundant blessing (blessing being a group of unicorns) and seeing as INFJ’s are the rarest group I found that fitting but as usual I always second guess myself lol.. 

You can find me here on Facebook (I hope I’m allowed to post here) if not my name on fb is Rachael Lee J

I would love to have you in my group.... where are you located? 

https://m.facebook.com/rachael.lee.79677

Thanks

Rach

Samantha Sarah says...

Awesome Rach!!  I'm in Nassau in the Bahamas! 

I don't think the name of the group is as important for the moment as the fact you just create it. I struggle with starting often  but it's in 'just doing it' that a natural way forward usually presents itself. And Anyway, a name can always be changed.😉 

Finding you on Fb now!!!💃💃

Phonenix (not verified) says...

I can really identify with you and Draco. This personality type can be a blessing and a curse. I’ve settled into my solitude and often summerge myself in meaningful things that brings me joy. I have come to even enjoy spontaneity, whether with others or by myself. 

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