I am a 15 yo INTJ (I believe), and while I realize that it is too early to be sure, I believe I have set my thought process properly and actually am an INTJ. For the past year however, with me starting to go to a 'good' school, I have felt that the system is not only lacking but also selfish (I live in Turkey, 8/5 school and extra 26 hours a week lessons, due to specific reasons). When I try to avoid it, however, I am pressured by family (not intentionally, but not misguidedly either), so I have come to terms with the fact that this is something I have to live with. Unfortunately, it seems that I cannot properly keep my brain locked (or suppressed, if the difference in meaning matters). The way it goes is that I usually end up itching everywhere (the kind that pulls my limbs towards the center of my body) and stop after I close my eyes (usually partially to not attract attention) and focus on stoping it. The itches are not much but it seems to be like I will be gone for good at some point (not that it matters), and I would like some advise on how to avoid a proper mental breakdown. I will talk about the way I came to be the way I am below, to help you get a better understanding; you can skip it if you want to. Thank you for any help beforehand. (I wrote the last sentence after all the part down below and my mentality went from curiosity to depressed, jesus)

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So 2 years ago, I have 'awakened' (I guess it works?) to my true self (hopefully). It begun, weirdly, by first noticing that the buildings were smaller. I have never been into spirituality and religion (I assume that is the case for most of us), yet for some odd reason, I felt that this was due to everything around me losing value in my eyes. Now, this was it for quite a while (around half a year), after which highschool begun.

My way into highschool was not good either, as I got results that were worse that expected (still not bad, however), and I ended up getting into a proper highschool by 'luck' (the reason I quoted luck is because while it was actually luck, I believe that something more than that is present). By yet another set of events, which was 'luck' (though some considered that talent was in play as well, I disagree) yet again, and I got into the highschool, which took a year (while I was in prepatory), so within the year this was happening, I have been constantly seeing references to my life from seemingly random places (which I agree could be delusional, but nonetheless it was my perception [and it still is]) and I had started changing the way I thought when the things 'said' to me made sense, and at the same time, I fell in love, to which things I have seen pointed at. I did not take my chance (were good friends with her) and towards the end of the year (at which point I have been trying to set a footing for a proper confession) she told me that she had realized it (which is also my fault because I let my guard down quite a lot in the name of setting a groundwork), which I suspect she knew from very early on, so that was done, and we lost touch with each other. I did not feel the grief however, not only because there was nothing to begin with, but also because I had suspected and expected that things would go the way they did while I was thinking of possibilities for how the confession would go (remember I was trying to set a footing?), and so I moved on, hoping that one day I would have the technological capacity to fix it all (which was my driving force for the following 5 months, and still sort of is, though not really). 

Right towards the end of that year, however, the biggest one hit me; I no longer felt that I was spoken to. Of course as a proper INTJ with a lot of time at hand, I had figured that I would be left on my own to find the path to pursue, but this felt not like freedom but more like abandonment. I felt that it was because I had fucked up with my failure in love, and the rare instances in which I recieved a message, it was confirming my thoughts (and yes, I do realize that the sentences get more religious as time passes but eh). So with that pressuring me intensely, and me trying not to show it to outside, as I knew no one would understand my thoughts (I doubt anyone here will go beyond respecting it either), and don't get me wrong, right, I am well aware the absurdness of the thoughts I have, but it is what it is. With such pressure, I felt that by soul was breaking (literally).

For the last 6 months, not only has everything that I value not for their value but because I have to been going wrong, but I have been believing that depending on the way I go, I will become either the one to destroy or to save the world (and the thing is, I know that it is absurd, at this point I would have been better off claiming Chists' second coming), and because of this, I am extremely concerned with the way this will take shape. Suicide almost seemed like a proper choice to me (conciusly), but last month I had to come to terms with the fact that it was not an option while my close relatives were still alive, which legitimately broke me for an hour. To give my opinion more in depth about the last sentence, I would say that it was probably because I was clinging on the feeling that suicide was my own choice and that I had control over how I did not go, but with the realization that that is not true, I had to accept how powerless I was, which is the only thing that legitimately managed to depress me.

TLDR: So overall, I have been lacking any success regardless of how I try, if I try to fall down to get a proper footing I feel like people will kick me down even further, I have found no ways out of this, even when the most drastic measures were considered.

Comments

S.L (not verified) says...

Hello, 15 yo Turkish. I am 27 yo Korean, INTJ . Your question was what do you do when lack of freedom threatens mental breakdown. And you added that you are disappointed at the school system. I had the similar experience during my High school time. Basically what I did back in that time, I was focusing on something else which can distract me from dissatisfaction I felt from the school, yet grabbing my attention. Personally I read pretty much of the philosophical books. Those helped me to keep me sane. Else I did some other learning which I believed to be helpful in my future but had nothing to do for getting good grade in that pathetic school. Yet it wasn’t easy. I was so weirdo and no other student could understand me. How it resolved in my case, my parents thought I was too destructive for being there so they gave up on keeping me to be in the school. But notice this, they wanted me to stick to the school because it had a name. I also had time that I was extremely sensitive on my physical pain. I don’t think your itchness would ever be good unless you find a good general solution to solve it. What I can say is that you are not going mad. You are very aware of the physical sensation nowadays. So perhaps your entire mind is very aware of it, and if you think that it’s crazy, then it’s because you can’t stop thinking/worrying about it. I am not bothered by the physical pain I had, but still now when I am stressed I become very sensitive about surroundings. So I assumed if my mind is stressed I would involve in thinking/feeling something unpleasant. I hope you find a solution. I don’t mean necessarily a solution of leaving that school. If you can do something that build for your future, it would be bearable. Besides, it’s a school then after some time you will leave that school. Probably by graduation or so. Good luck!

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