Stumbled on this forum by chance today. I'm an INTJ woman in my early 50s and have been pondering the whole relationship thing for many days now. Was married for a while earlier in life, for all the wrong reasons, and I have chalked that up to a disaster I won't repeat. This summer I met a man who is absolutely everything I could want: we enjoy the same outdoor pursuits, have a compatible intellect, have similar tastes in music, and the sex is out of this world. Here's the catch: he's married, though apparently unhappily. Now normally a fiercely independent INTJ woman would love this -- no strings to tie me down, but someone to share parts of life with once in a while. But I'm actually quite taken aback by how much this has thrown me into a tailspin, questioning my lifelong choice of independence over dependence. Oh how I wish this could be someone I shack up with, grow old with, read headlines together, debate theories over tea or scrabble, spend long days not getting out of bed, and having someone by my side who has my back, and vice versa.

Is this a) a (late) midlife crisis; b) a typical INTJ problem, or c) simply a situation where I want what I can't have, which is a coping mechanism for remaining independent? Or d) am I having a mental crisis?


Susan sunshine (not verified) says...

Hi, I feel for you. I'm an INTJ female, and I think it is mostly c, wanting what you can't have. After being widowed, I found myself in a similar situation. It really threw me--and my emotions-- for a loop. Turmoil!! Something I could not control. Consternation.
Keep dating. Keep looking.
Or, like me, get a puppy!!

Bakondja (not verified) says...


I'm not so sure if this situation has anything to do with being an INTJ but consider what you said:

"I wish this could be someone I shack up with, grow old with, read headlines together, debate theories over tea or scrabble, spend long days not getting out of bed, and having someone by my side who has my back, and vice versa."

In light of this, how could a married man possibly provide all these things? Therefore, as exciting, passionate and adventurous as things feel now, chances are it's fleeting and unsustainable with potentially far-reaching consequences for all.

By all means have fun, explore and all that but, remember that your heart's desires have already spoken and a time will come for you to either respond in kind or reminisce about what could have truly been...

It's all within your power and choice. Have fun!

JBS (not verified) says...

Hi. I am an INTJ woman in my late 40s. I just recently discovered this after participating in this questionnaire at work. I wish I had known all this a long time ago. It would have been so helpful and explains why I made so many of the choices I made. I have never been married or in what I consider a successful relationship for any extended period of time. I was really hard on myself because I thought something was seriously wrong with me because it was so hard for me and it's what everyone expects of you but I love my independence and haven't found anyone I wanted to give that up for. I too found myself in this situation in my 20s. I thought he was the perfect man for me in every aspect. I was in and out of that relationship for almost 20 years. I was so angry for putting myself in a situation that was never going to go anywhere for so long and blocking potential long term relationships. In hindsight, I realized it did not stand in the way of other relationships. It allowed me my freedom without commitment and I could not have had that with a single available man. I think I did this for several of the reasons you mentioned. One, it was more appealing because it was something I could not have and it's a INTJ problem. The few times it almost became a reality made me question if I really wanted to be with him. I believe had I ended up with him, I would not have felt the same. I don't think it's a mid-life or mental crisis. But I can tell you from experience that it can and most likely will torture you emotionally and it's not worth it. As I see it, you have two choices. You can see it for what it is, enjoy it for the parttime relationship that it is and keep your emotions out of it (or suffer) cause that's what you really want, or you are really seeking to have a meaningful bond with someone. If it's the latter, you won't find it in this relationship. The only way to know for sure is to to have the same kind of relationship with a single available man. If that doesn't feel good, it's not what you're looking for. There are good, compatible and available men out there if you wait and stay open to it. I ended that relationship because it was not healthy or beneficial to my soul. Good luck.

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