FYI-  I am in my last year of highschool. I am female. I have 3 super best friends I have known since I was very young, but they don't go to my school. I do want to make new close friends.. but I feel as though I have particular needs and standards with people that often aren't met.

When meeting someone new as an INFJ, I can often immediatley predict where the relationship will go. I notice I cut myself off from having casual relationships if I don't think the relationship will bring the desired outcome.

What I really want is for other people to return the favour of taking the time to listen to me and truly understand me.

But.. it is so difficult to reveal the depth of my INFJ knowledge to potential friends, and often I give up trying or don't try at all because of how unusual it sounds, leaving me feeling lonely, isolated and misunderstood.  I can't even make sense of it myself. 

I am content with having 3 very close friends, but at places like school I feel uncapable of forming new friendships. I am isolating myself, but I feel as though I have no choice. 


Any thoughts/advice?


realunicorn (not verified) says...

Hey girl! Sounds super similar to what I experienced in high school.

For a long time, I had a ton of friends, but felt like no one really knew ME. No one really took the time to. One day, I saw a girl who, for some reason, I just knew would get me. I was kind of clueless as to how to make a new friend, much less a best friend, so I just made whatever conversation about school I could until I got to know her better and could have actual conversations. It was a matter of putting in the time and effort to get to know her. You just have to find the right kind of person. It's not easy, but there are people out there. When you see them, make sure to act on your intuition and put yourself out there (even if it's outside your comfort zone). 

Speaking of comfort zone, you say that you are isolating yourself. This could be in individual relationships (ex: I really only show 10% of who I am to this person so they're never going to actually know me) or in the "I'm over here sitting in the corner because no one gets me and no one will ever get me." If it's the first case, don't feel bad if you know the relationship won't go anywhere because there are different levels of friendship. You don't have to be bffs with everyone, so just be  yourself so that people looking for people like you will be able to find you. Don't surround yourself with shallow people and expect to find people to "reveal the depth of your infj knowledge." If it's the second case, be friendly and approachable and get out of the corner- it's not doing you any favors. 

You're not incapable of making friends, you probably just have a hard time finding people you connect with and want to invest in a relationship with. That's ok. Friendships are hard to foster and maintain and don't work out with just anyone. 

I wish there had been more people like you when I went to high school. It would have been so much more fun. I'm sure there are people out there. Observe people and find them. Then take the initiative and become friends. It takes time and can be awkward, but don't give up!


vanessaher (not verified) says...

i think you can´t expect people to behave certain ways towards you. i know what i talk of because this is what i have mainly done. and it doesn´t quite work out that way   ( one can expect that in close relationships but not neccessarily from people one doesn´t know particularly well ). as an infj one is perhaps a bit awkward, atleast compared to the mainstream, so the average person will probably think " she´s a bit of an odd duck " ( i think the normal person is a bit of an odd duck, so don´t really care what they think of me, and you shouldn´t either, if such a thought may upset you ). it is probably harder for us to build friendships because of the depth we need, the interests we have, the need for recip-thing, reciprocality ( mutual understanding ), a lot of people are much more simply built and one has to take that into consideration. one does find people one finds mutual understanding with, i think we want these ideals that are maybe not always realistic ( but sometimes are, on occasion ). i would say find people you share certain interests with and enjoy those interests together, and if something deeper develops, good, but one can´t always expect it, probably often can´t expect it. a lot of people are quite conventional and one has to take that into consideration.

nurture your interests and mingle with people who share your interests but you probably also have to learn to be a bit more self reliant, and enjoy time with self. there is so much to learn, and to challenge.


i am struggling with noticing how conventional people are, more conventional than i thought, but maybe it is also the era. i look for things that excite me and nurture that. entertain oneself.


Violet (not verified) says...

I can relate to what you are saying as I believe I am also in the inf* personality section. We listen to others, and try to understand them, yet it feels as if no one does that to us. We probably have so many things which we have never told anyone. Even out best friends don't know much about us. We are closed books, but if someone wants to know more about us, that is good. I as a person closely observe someone to see if I can be a little more open with them, a lot of people I can't though, because they are really judging, and I don't think they will be able to provide me with what I want. I'm friendships I face second thoughts, like are these the true friends, will they be there to me, and its not like I have trust issues. I guess we just have to meet people who like the same things as us. Talk to the quiet kkds, you can form the most meaningful connections with them, well that is what I have observed.

SOLADY (not verified) says...

Hi Jemmima,

The judgement has already been made by you to only travel in small groups. You know what your doing and what you need. You are satisfied with those in your life right now. Basically your intuition is telling you that highschool is ending and you will be moving on to new schools in life and you will be taking your best friends with you. You wrote "I do want to make new close friends.. but I feel as though I have particular needs and standards with people that often aren't met" from what I am getting from this is your aware change is coming soon in your life and not having your close friends now is something you would rather go through again so you being content with those far away friends is carrying you through this until your life changes into another journey. You basically are living the "Be grateful for what you have" moment. You are one of the lucky ones. 

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