Howdy and Salutations INFPs!

I come in peace! I come in need of your guidance and compassion. I am a ISTJ....please don't run away! I have a new roommate who is an INFP, but we have our differences as you all know. I've paid his rent for two months now...and let him stay anyway. He is very kind and gentle, and he does do alot around the apartment, like cleaning, cooking and making things look and feel more cozy, which I appreciate, but I'm going in debt sustaining him. He's been using my car to look for a job and he broke it the other day, he was very sorry, but I am so frustrated, because he wasn't able to fix it, because he has no money. We've had several arguments about getting the rent paid and the car fixed, but the weeks keep passing by, and i feel like i have to constantly remind him and when I do he gets angry :(.

Is there a way we can each communicate to each other without sacrificing who we are? Is there something I can do on my part so I can feel more at peace in my expectations?

Thank you,

Fustrated ISTJ

Comments

Guest (not verified) says...

Hello!
Well, first things first - you're a thinker, and he's a feeler. He'll understand you more if you talk more about how it's making you feel rather than a logical argument.
I can't really help you with your situation but I can give you insight into the INFP mind haha.
INFPs are creative and idealistic, thinking poetically and theoretically rather than logically.
We are more about ideas and possibilities than reality and our energy and being is all in our minds.

If you are putting forth logical arguments he might find it a bit hard to relate to, maybe tell him how it's making you feel in depth. It's really good if you describe your feeling in depth rather than saying "I'm angry". INFPs are all about what they have done right and are hurt when criticised, so maybe tell him all the things you appreciate before (nicely) asking him to pick up his game, being wordy with your thanks and saying what he does makes you feel comfortable will mean a lot to him and make him think about what he has to offer to your friendship.
Maybe suggest jobs that are out of the norm, jobs that impact other people on a personal level, such as disability support or aged care or social work. Talking to him about what will make him happy will encourage him to make you happy as well.

I don't know what I just wrote because I'm tired, but I hope it helps.

SleepingLionRoars says...

Thank you for explaining, I'll strive to consider your suggestions as I communicate with him.

meggieb says...

Why are you enabling this moocher? He is getting deeper into debt and needs to move on to family or a shelter somewhere, The Salvation Army, etc. He isn't your child. Let go and let God, and let his consequences teach him. He couldn't afford your place when you let him move in, as he had no job…!???? Public transportation or he could find his bicycle from back home??? Cut your losses and change the lock.

SleepingLionRoars says...

I don't know :(, but I have lost everything now.

Mustafa1 (not verified) says...

Try to pressure him to find a job, any job, it doesnt have to be perfect. As we aim for perfection. Because matters are urgent now, engage him in the economy in the house and practical matters so he comes down a bit from fantasy. And where do you live? Why doesnt he live with his parents?

sewhappy2spin says...

Communication is one thing, but you are not required to support a roommate. If he can't find a job, perhaps he should move in with family or friends who can support him until he gets on his feet. Being INFJ has nothing to do with not being employed and not paying ones bills.

Having empathy for his situation will help if you goal is just to communicate better. It is stressful and difficult to look for work. You can tell him you know it is a stressful time, and that you appreciate what he has been doing around the apartment to make things nice, keep it clean, etc. He will also respond better if you can talk about how things make you feel. You FEEL worried about keeping the apartment because you can't afford it without a roommates monetary contribution. You feel stressed out because your car is broken and you can't afford to get it fixed. You feel sorry that he doesn't have a job, but you can't be the one to support him.

Was this someone you knew before becoming roommates? Did he have a job when he moved in and he knew his portion of the rent, etc? Again, as an INFJ, I don't see an excuse to not be participating in the costs of living, but he may also be already feeling guilty about not being able to pay. I'm not sure if communication here was the problem to begin with or not.

INFJ's often love to do lists and plans. I've never expected someone else to support me--outside of marriage. In my marriage sometimes I've been the main one supporting our bills, and some times my DH has been the main supporter--but that is by choice or situation and we are each other family.

Guest (not verified) says...

If he wasn't getting angry at you, I'd be more understanding to him, but gosh. It sounds like he needs to learn how unacceptable getting angry at you is when all you're trying to do is point out what he in fact - whether he likes it or not - HAS to do. I actually know exactly what this is like because I'm 99% sure my mom is an INFP, and there've been many times when the criticism is both necessary and gently-delivered and she gets upset/can't cope with the criticism anyway. The difference is that my mom means way more to me than your roommate does to you. Someone getting angry at you without sufficient reason is unacceptable, basically. I would kick out your roommate, unless there's a good reason you didn't mention such as him being physically ill, injured, etc.

nabeeha22 says...

Hello I am an INFP too. All INFPs aren't people who deal awfully with criticism. Yes criticism might hurt sometimes, but if we understand that the criticizer is only trying to let us know something we need to know and not cut us down or embarrass us, an INFP can understand and try to change. I know I would. As for your situation, this roommate needs to understand that he's not your child. He's an adult who needs to be responsible for himself and take care of himself. Try telling him how you feel and asking him why he's finding such a difficult time handling things. Try telling him how his actions are causing inconveniences in your life and how it's making you feel. I think him not being able to be responsible for himself has nothing to do with being an INFP. Regardless of his personality type, he needs to understand that you shouldn't be sustaining him like this and going into debt for it.

Guest (not verified) says...

I am an INFP, and I think what he's doing is unfair. He should not be putting all the financial weight on you.

We usually don't do well when someone is angry, but he should recognize that what he's doing is affecting you financially.

Being an INFP is not an excuse for him to mooch. What might help the situation is to just talk to him about how you're feeling. It will hit home if he sees that you are worried, and that it is causing you a lot of stress. Be genuine about your feelings and he should be able to understand.

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