I'm an INTP female married to an ESFJ male. Anyone else in a relationship with these two types?

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jonjamesmovip says...

Hello!

As it turns out, I'm an INTP male married to an ESFJ female.

Makes for very interesting argu-... conversations!

Just kidding :)

All jokes aside, it really is a difficult but extremely rewarding relationship. Something new to learn about each other all the time!

What are your thoughts?

-Jonathan

ConorC (not verified) says...

My wife is an ESFJ, and I am an INTP. Having learned about the cognitive processes, I realized that we actually mesh well precisely because we are "opposites." Our cognitive stack is the same, just flipped. That also explains why we become evil versions of each other when we're stressed. She negatively fixates on analyzing the problem and its potential outcomes, while I read negative emotions and motives in others. It is a very rewarding relationship, however. Her strong personality elements are my weak ones, and vice-versa.

tmccarthy617 says...

I have been married for 9 years (together for 11) and find it quite difficult to coexist with an ESFJ. There is just far too much emotion for my liking. It's like watching emotional fireworks just spewing from a volcano of feels. It's even worse for me because I'm a woman and statistically am supposed to be more emotional. Instead, when he goes into "feely" mode I just make awkward, irritated faces and for the life of me cannot figure out why he can't just put a cap on it.

Ljmac22 says...

Is he whiny and needy? Is that what you mean?

Unikorn19 (not verified) says...

Yes, he is very emotionally needy and I am the exact opposite. It's not in my nature to be nurturing or to cater to emotional needs. I handle these types of situations objectively and almost completely devoid of emotion. He sort of has realized this but not to the extent that he fully understands. I think he thinks I'm cold (which I can be) and not just that I don't use my emotions liken he does.

josh3288 (not verified) says...

Hahaha! I'm not alone, yay!

Schantel (not verified) says...

OMG! Thus is so me and my hubby too. 

Ljmac22 says...

I am an INTP female married to a ESFJ male! We mesh well. He doesn't argue with me or play devils advocate (that would be my main job in life). I think it would be exhausting if he did. Once he wound me up it would be endless. We are very different. He errs towards tradition and I question it. But he isn't militant in his stances on things-so i think that is the key to us getting along. Also we are both extremely laid back.

MR (not verified) says...

Hi everybody..
I am an ESFJ female married to INTP male since 13 years.We are totally the opposites in our personality.First the pros,I admire his thought process,ideas,intelligence, and creativity...He admires my extroversion,my care towards family,helpfulness in general...
Now the scariest part,the cons are:For him,I don't think much,I hate uncertainty,I love discipline and order and tradition which he doesn't like,I like to settle sooner in life,etc...For me,he doesn't decide anything at all,he postpones all important things till the last minute, he doesn't care about my emotional needs,he keeps the house messy,He needs my help for simpler things also...If i don't give him logical reason then the argument never stops,only continuing for 3/4 days.He doesn't care about what he said or what words he used,while those small words drain out my whole energy...Being an ESFJ,i can adjust to any extreme,learning to lighten up things and create harmony in house.Being an INTP,he helps us in exploring the world and its technicalities which otherwise we wont be able to see.His creativity and Innovation amazes me at all times.How he helps the kids with their problems is one thing why you want the father to be an INTP. Surely out of box thinking is useful for kids,house,family,job,Business..

Pranav Ghandade (not verified) says...

A female ESFJ and a male INTP  are really in fact very dangerous match cause they will never be able to agree on a point and often will start a fight every other minute. Well i am a male INTP and my mother is a female ESFJ and our wavelength never match (even before finding out the personality  types) because her level of thinking  contradicts mine. More then often in conversation we argue, well though of course now both of us try to avoid that as much as possible cause neither of us like to waste time   in stupidly  arguing. Though naturally an ESFJ and an INTP could never fit together initially though as it is just a personality  it can be changed  or developed.

64CAD says...

Hello! I'm an INTP. It seems like quite a few users are either a male INTP married to a female ESFJ or the other way around (female INTP, male ESFJ). Isn't it kind of hard to get along? How did they get to be married?

Unikorn19 (not verified) says...

I'm an INTP female, I was married to an ESFJ male, it didn't work. I am in a relationship with an INTJ male who is the absolute love of my life. Any thoughts on those two types together? So far we couldn't be more perfect for each other. 

Valkyrie (not verified) says...

I'm a 26year old INTP female. I didn't get along well with ESFJ's until last year. I think my growth and the stage I'm in personality-wise has completely changed the dynamics of the ESFJ relationship for me.

You get various types of ESFJ's in my opinion. In The Secret Lives of INTP's,  Anna Moss says a type can be subcategorized, e.g INTP = NTIP, TIPN, etc. (the strength or value placed on the functions, not their placement) - you similarly get various ESFJ's. I've noticed that the INTP/ESFJ can only intermingle with certain types of that type. Eg an INTP whose Ne function is stronger than their Ti will find little to no understanding with an ESFJ whose tertiary Ne is specifically very low, perhaps lower than their inferior Ti. The value of the functions is based on individual growth. This doesn't only apply to INTP's and ESFJ's. Sometimes we get along great with an INTJ but the next one could be of zero interest to us because they're at a point in life where they're valuing and busy developing a cognitive function that we have no interest in. They'd still appeal to you if they are a type that you as an individual generally like and value, but you might not see much benefit in getting to know them much better because of the strength/value placed on the functions. It is not set - it depends on individual growth.

That said, INTP and ESFJ share all functions, so there's statistically a better chance of finding someone whose at a stage in life, or in actualization, where they're interested in developing a function that you can actually assist them to develop without much effort and with pleasure - e.g. An INTP who has time and is willing to spend the energy needed to strengthen their Fe and to care more, or an ESFJ who is satisfied with all the Fe growth and activities they have done in life and are interested in engaging Ti. But if the type doesn't value or is not at all interested in engaging the function that the other can teach them it will create misunderstanding and arguments.

Since we're a dual partner to each other, it's hard for us to maintain distance from one another - suddenly we forgive each other, only to have the same issues arise, especially if you can't get away from the person (young INTP with ESFJ parent). The first step to resolve this and to start developing the dual relationship is to assess which function that type is closed off from. I believe that if they don't value the function, you will not be able to convince them to value it - each person is on their own timeline of development. They might still get to the time where they value it: Ti, or Fe, or Ne. Or the time has passed and they're closed off to it. But by assessing them, you, sharing all their functions, can understand their mindframe through the functions much easily than with another type and essentially (manipulate) amend your responses to elicit replies that would grow the relationship and subdue their defensive attitude, until such time they're in a state to really listen and meet you halfway. 

That said, I experience duality with every ESFJ in my life. My mom is the most pleasant dual relationship I have. We're constantly teaching one another, our humor is surprising but sets the other one off laughing hard and appreciatively, and the deep discussions are peaceful learning debates that can go on forever. I'm currently happy to be dating an ESFJ guy for a few month. I see live in his eyes every time, he can't seem to hide it and it never diminishes or becomes too much. He seems to value Fe and Ti most of all, and I value Ti and Fe in that order. Talking to him - it's like we're on different paths in different dimensions BUT we're magnetically drawn to look at what the other is doing and the outcome is the same. He's not overly emotional or needy but I feel the intense ESFJ intimacy in him, which is slightly intimidating but mostly exciting - he's gentle about it, all his Fe talk, mannerisms and Fe flirtations seems to bring my low Fe up from the bottom of a well, each tug seems not only to bring us closer, but brings me closer to myself - a feeling of actualization in motion. He enjoys my Ti rantings, analyzes my knowledge and debates with me and he looks exactly like an INTP when he does so. And he likes that I observe him hesitantly, kind of suspiciously. It's like he blooms under my Ti scrutiny and I in turn am pleasantly put into a place of uncertainty by him that I'm learning is a norm of Extroverted Feeling. He irritates me on purpose, gently, but the words are unforgettable - never harsh, and I feel compelled to retort back jokingly. I feel wonderfully myself in his company, smarter, but humble, serious but original and fun.

No other type seems to be able to strike various chords so deeply within me. I learn from them. They're a warm puzzle who instigates much within my mind and feelings, never boring. Sometimes when I come home after spending the day with my boyfriend, I'd burst out laughing for no reason, no thought in mind, just pure happiness because of the residual feelings. I try not to idealize duality too much, but life is definitely giving me a very good experience of it. Anyway, some ESFJ's are unhealthy and I definitely keep my distance from them. Overall, I can understand them because of functions and I think most of them are great in moderation for an INTP.

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