I'm going to post this topic in both the INFP and INTJ forums.

I'm an INFP woman and recently just started dating an INTJ man. I've read mixed things regarding the success of these two personality types together in a relationship and after recently ending a long and not so joyous marriage with an ESTJ I'm cautiously selecting my next partner based on, hopefully, better compatibility. Yes, I know someone will tell me that you can't base a relationship solely on personality type, that there are many other factors, and I agree with that. However, I believe half the battle in relating and communicating with someone is in knowing how to effectively based on their style, preference, and needs. Also, I know that in order to be with a naturally incompatible type requires incredible work to keep things afloat. All relationships are work, and I'm not afraid to put the work in, but some things should be easy and natural. I just want some level of natural fluidity between myself and my partner. I'm hopeful that there is enough commonality between 2 iNs to offer that.

My brother is an INTJ and we (as adults) get along quite well although we're not around each other extended periods of time really. I recently became friends with, and tried to date, an INFJ. I thought we would be perfect together because we had so much in common. Turns out we were perfect as friends but way too much alike to be in a relationship. He was too content to never live a life outside his box of work and home and I need adventure and new experiences but need that person who can get me off my own comfortable couch and lead me in those adventures. Together we would be hermits. I realize and INTJ may not offer that leadership in adventures style either but the thinking function is attractive in that we could have long thought provoking conversations and discuss different ideas and theories. I love to have intellectual conversations. I just also need that validation of their feelings and positive reassurance sometimes too.

So, does anyone have experience with this combo in a relationship or thoughts they'd like to share?


Richard214 (not verified) says...

INFJ male here.
Sorry I cannot speak to your question of INFP/INTJ relationships. I have been thinking I would be better suited to date another Introvert in hopes of finding someone who "gets it". That's not easy. How do two I's get together if they're both at home all the time?
I guess I am overthinking it.

Amylee.beck says...

Where is the one place all of us introverts can be alone together? Online of course!

I met my INFJ friend through an online community we both belong to and had conversed within a group for a long time before speaking privately. I met the INTJ that I just started dating through Match.com. I've been pretty impressed with the online dating sites actually. Took some time to learn to navigate and weed through the ridiculous people but there were a few potential matches I was interested in. I stated my MBTI type within my profile for 3 reasons. 1. I wanted to see if someone would respond because they like that type or know they are compatible based on their own type; 2. I wanted to warn my potential match what they were getting into (INFPs are not everyone's cup of tea), and 3. if they had no idea what I was talking about I wanted someone who was willing to show enough initiative & interest to at least Google it.

Sanket Tiwari,India (not verified) says...

As an infp myself,congruency with Intj's in my observation work best when your interests are alligned.If you share the same core values and can handle rejection and criticism with relative grace,though they might have been encroached on with various types of emotional trauma with your prior experiences that have ended not so well as you would have liked them to,you should be in for a delight.The reserved intj serves as pool of passion for us capricious,hoop jumping,pole vaulting emotion atheletes with a knack for over analytics.Cautious though cause just as easily as you might be fascinating to an intj if tomorrow you were to become a sore thumb you can trust them to move on and do so with way less cesspool of emotions than yourself.Intjs poor communication skills do not feed your need for acceptance as an infp unless as i aforementioned that your interests and conclusions largely co incide.An intj however can be a great partner if you,like me,are willing to delve into deep conversations about society,culture,modernism,various subjects that broadly drive the world.Your observation and insight can really be pleasing to them as they are profound appreciators of art and good penmanship.If you are willing to work with someone on practical terms and not be an unhealthy amount of needy as some of us infps can honestly sometimes get,you shouldnt struggle too bad.
Wish you the best!

Kaleena Harris (not verified) says...

Wow, you just described my relationship with an intj to the tee. If I can had to your very informative advice. I'd also suggest for a infp woman-intj man relationship. The infp should practice to talk a little less than the intj do. Us infp's tend to be quite chatty with our mates, and although it's just because our minds are racing with thoughts and ideas 24/7. We may be speaking about something as small as the color of the sky or something we seen while driving, and then in 1.5 seconds, it turns to something so philosophical or analytical to us and now we're ranting. If the intj seems uninterested, that's probably because they are. But it's hard to keep their focus on things that don't really interest them, so don't take it personal infp's. This relationship will not be the worshipping, smothering or quickly started one's that you're use to, and it there may be set backs. Be true and yourself, don't judge or be dramatic. They will turn cold and for an infp that could feel so evil. You will have to be fully mature and not co-dependent to be fulfilled in this relationship. Also let them control and make most decisions. This could be a very slow and gradual relationship. So be patient and busy, because intj's need their space even more than we do. They give everything differently, and they don't often express their feelings outwardly, nor, verbally. Good luck, and I say that with true sincerity and love.

reasonless_guru says...

I know a very fun INTJ/INFP couple. She has dreams and inspirations, and he has the drive and dedication to make it happen. They work so well together, and it's pretty interesting to see (The day she put a picture up on facebook, and he was actually smiling, I had to laugh to myself). I do have a strange fascination with INFPs, because they are such deep feelers, but they seem to use it to build themselves up, which is a strange concept to me. It's like they're deep feelers, and we're deep thinkers. The only concern I'd personally have is that of possible depression. I get depressed at random, just because I'm chemically imbalanced. My concern would be that living with someone that deeply emotional, and prone to depression, would cause me to be depressed more often. This might not be a problem at all for you. I don't know how prone to depression either of you are. But it might be something to look into.

athenalv (not verified) says...

I'm guessing that a year later the issue of the relationship has been resolved...it either worked or it didn't. However, since others may read the comments, I decided I would add my experiences anyway. My situation almost exactly mirrors that of the OP. I was married to an ESTJ for 18 years, and we had little in common (I'm INFP). After my divorce, I dated a few different personality types but didn't settle down until I met my INTJ boyfriend of two years now. We are very similar in many ways, which is awesome. We always have fun together and like doing the same things (an equal part of staying in and occasionally venturing out). Emotionally, though, I am very expressive and communicative and he is not. In fact, discussions about emotions, feelings, and the future freak him out. He admittedly feels very "awkward" when I ask him to discuss serious topics related to these things. However, I do believe he recognizes this about himself and tries to be more emotionally available to me. I am much more adventurous than he is, and he is very obsessed with saving money (whereas I live paycheck to paycheck and have no issues spending the little extra I have on travel and adventure). He likes things to be orderly, but I don't mind a little chaos. Overall, it has worked really well for us over the last two years...but I wonder if there is a future for us. 

Bushra (not verified) says...

I am in a relationship with my INTJ for a year now. I've known him 6 years ago and I wasn't old or mature enough so I friendzoned him, or so to speak, then I told him I like him, and things changed and stumbled between us. But last year he came to a point where his indecessiveness towards our commitment was about to make him lose me, and it's when he actually made up his mind. Everything is going very well. Sometimes, he doesn't seem to wanna talk. I am more into discussing interesting topics as INFP, I am also very affectionate and expressing, but he is different. He doesn't always express and mostly avoids discussions lately. I worry sometimes, but I know things are not going as well as he wants so I'm just grateful that he makes time for me daily, and actually never misses to tell me that he loves me everyday. I hope for things to keep going fine.

Janis C (not verified) says...

I’m an INFP woman that has been in a relationship with an INTJ man for 17 years. I have struggled a great deal in my relationship because my husband is not affectionate, he’s extremely private (even with me) and I always desire a deep connection with him. He sees things very black and white, where as I do not. In our relationship he is very calculated in what he says and does, to the point that there is no natural flow in talking about the important things in life, and transparency is important to me. You’d think he’d be able to do that after is being together for 17 years. Don’t get me wrong, INTJ’s do have a lot of great qualities and are very protective about those they love.

I believe that your relationship will be very different in a relationship with an INTJ man than it is with your sibling. You do have an advantage over those that  don’t have much of an understanding of the INTJ since you grew up with one. I also believe there are healthy and unhealthy versions of each personality types. With that said, as long as you both have a  great ability to communicate, listen, have empathy and most of all, the willingness to keep your hearts and minds open and to act immediately on things that are crucial to the relationship, you can definitely make it work. Make sure you both don’t put off learning the values that are non-negotiable for one another, talk about how you’ll handle issues in your relationship and don’t get too complacent. Relationships take constant inventory of your needs since they do change over time. Lastly, don’t settle in any relationship. INFP’s do have a drive that will go on and on and on, when it comes to their relationships. There’s nothing wrong with that as long as they are feeling fulfilled and validated in their relationship. 

Nature girl (not verified) says...

I am INFP and married to an INTJ for 47 years.  It’s been a challenge.  Just found out our daughter is INTJ too...explains a lot!  All I can say is that his strengths are my weaknesses and vise versa.  We have core things in common but very different on other things.  I need to process verbally He hates to listen.  Marriage counseling helped.  I had him figured out but he was clueless (typical for intj).  I often have to play the extrovert.  Yes he is a great provider but rather dull.  We are both committed to our family or this thing may have never made it.  So encouragement for those matched this way.  My INFP let me handle his work travel and his intj let me be a stay at home mom.  Adult kids settled all over the place so we are forced to travel and have adventures lol,

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