I'm an 22 year old INTJ female. Right now I don't have any friends. I just graduated from college, and while there everyone around me seemed very shallow- just wanted to party and go on Facebook, etc. Could somebody please tell me where I can go to make friends? I've browsed through Meetup, and every event on that seems too general. I would say that my interests are very particular. I've also never been kissed or in a relationship. 

Comments

Lovely (not verified) says...

How particular? What are your interests?

It's hard to find people you want to be friends with as an INTJ female, but it's possible. I have a hard time making friends too, but thankfully I have sisters and for the most part we are close. I'd say be open to finding a friend that might be really different from you. One of my best friends is extraverted and very social, but her openness and how genuine she is meshes well with me. We've bumped heads a few times because of our personality differences, but I wouldn't change her and she wouldn't change me. I met her through an organization we were both in, so if there are any orgs in your town you feel strongly about, that's another good way to meet people.

Guest (not verified) says...

I'm INTJ .24 year old. Life is too short. Make your own big schema to impress people around of you. It will be fine.

Nathan (not verified) says...

Hey - I also score and identify as INTJ, and I definitely share that feeling of social isolation. You may be surprised to find that other people share similar interests with you. Maybe you could start your own meetup based on one of your interests? I've heard that INTJ's can step into leadership roles when they have a particular vision, and see no one else stepping up to make it happen. I've led a couple meetups and (data science, music jams), and although some of them were a little awkward (because I didn't plan enough), I had a good time, met some cool people, and was generally glad that I did it. Give it a shot. Making friends is definitely hard, but know that almost everyone I know, including myself, struggles with making friends. That's good news though, because it means there are lots of people out there who want to meet more people and make new friends. Let us know how it goes! - Nathan

Nathan

JessicaRabbit (not verified) says...

I too am an INTJ female. Friends for us are rare. I'm 45 and have rarely had more than one friend at a time. And if I'm in a relationship, he's the friend. The closest thing to friendship I have now is work relationships and family.

I'm just too different I guess. I don't get invites from the cool kids, I get them from the well to do ladies...but I'm more of a bad girl than they'll ever be. It's quite the quandary. 

That's why I pretty much satisfy my need for adult companionship through work, my boyfriend, and my children.

Creanovativenigma says...

INTJ here

I relate, although I do very much prefer my solitude. I wouldn't say where to find and go make friends. It just happens. 

In the places you usually go to chill, you may find some people there. I usually go to libraries or bookstores and bump into people who catch my interest or vice versa with the type of book bring looked at it read. Asking about their perspective on the book helps, too. I guess for most INTJs we don't like small talk as we prefer to get into deep conversations in subjects that pique our interest.

 

You'd be surprised how many INTJs you'll find on this site.

ProjectEvolove.com

Amandafnq (not verified) says...

Why don't you try a Christian Church, being a traditional personality you might enjoy it and they could really use your skills to organise things. Because you are a thinking personality, as a woman, a lot of feeling personalities might feel you are sometimes harsh, this is not a problem! You have been created this way for a reason and you are here for a unique purpose! Don't form your opinion of yourself on what you experienced at school, this is the real world now and people will see you for your true worth, you just need to get involved with the correct community groups. One of my good friends is the same personality as you, sometimes I found her a bit harsh, but she has a heart of gold and is a wonderful mother. Ox

LEGION (not verified) says...

INTJs typically find the thought of church/god repulsive. 

BSMH (not verified) says...

I completely disagree.  Based on your comment, it's safe to assume you are young and inexperienced.  As a 42 year old INTJ male with the three college degrees, I find the Christian church to be an incredible place to find other big picture thinkers who want to participate in quality conversations.  I have met many INTJs at church.  I never expected to find anything worthwhile at church.  I was surprised to find out how well Christianity, science, and logic work together.  Because Christians believe we are all equally messed up, I found church to be a good place to find other personality types that easily accept our INTJ quirks.

Adaeze (not verified) says...

Not true. I find the thought of God very refreshing. Imagine a God that created my complexities as well as others! What's not challenging and interesting about that? Just what my INTJ mind needs to ponder. Also I have a relationship with Him. I don't have to worry about making friends. He is the friend.

sfather98 (not verified) says...

53 y.o. male INTJ (married, 5 kids) here. While INTJs are not known to dabble into religion, I've become quite spiritual---surprisingly so! I'm Roman Catholic and I discovered 12 years ago that the parts of the faith that most people associate with institutional religion are only the beginning stages of faith practice. These are the stages most people have quibbled over (technical terms: dogmatic theology; moral theology) for centuries.

Differences of religious beliefs, from atheism (sic) to Eastern Orthodoxy usually reside in these two stages and never---and I mean never---go beyond. People give up after fighting for the "crumbs" of faith (albeit essential crumbs). That is, the INTJ's intellectual pursuit of religion is stuck in "1st and 2nd gear." If s/he perseveres through these painful stages, s/he comes to an intellectual/spiritual platform that gives the meaning of his or her life an eagle's perspective of existence (the big picture we INTJs all seek). This stage is called spiritual theology and it's rich in intellectual---deep, intense, inexhaustible---material that will satisfy the INTJ's natural inclination toward knowledge acquisition. It's the ultimate big picture analysis in this life. The INTJ satisfies his/her unquenchible thirst for strategy into the invisible realm of the supernatural by utilizing/practicing the spiritual tactics of the visible natural realm (Earth). 

If the INTJ wants to maximize big picture analytical skills, it doesn't get any bigger than Christian spirituality. I should know: I endured these beginning argumentative stages of faith and found God in the most unlikely places a human can imagine (more accurately, can't imagine). Spiritual Theology is beyond (natural and social) science and philosophy. It's at an INTJ level all its own.

Surprised by Truth.... 

INTJ Catholic (not verified) says...

Not all INTJs find Church and God repulsive, likely most just have an incorrect view of both as I once did. I've actually found great comfort and learned a lot about connecting and who I am through coming to have faith. Just wanted to share. I vote keep an open mind about activities and investigate things and try to see situations and interests as others see them. I thought I would HATE winter hiking, but turns out I actually love it after giving it a try! 

Best of luck

Chris C de Baca says...

The good news is, “typically” leaves room for maneuvering.  

Like many INTJs I am all about systems: work, play, relationships, etc.  Unlike many, I possess what could be loosely termed a ‘spiritual component’.  While quantum mechanics plays into it, so too have life experiences - most that defy explanation.  Without sounding too much like a nut job, there are little signs out there if one is keen to observe them and this is something I believe INTJs have in common.  

For the past 5 years (age 45-50) butterflies have been a kind of sign post, an indication I am on track.  Sounds absurd, but they show up at times when I am at a cross roads - not always but enough to exceed what could be called coincidence. Yes, this could be and likely is a natural phenomenon.  This makes it all the better because it always seems to work to my favor.     

I have room in my life for something bigger than I, can call it Tao, God, or fake but it works for me.  

Rebecca (not verified) says...

Well said! Haha 

Monica Luketich (not verified) says...

I'm a 61 yr old INTJ, and I agree with you about the small number of us there are.  A couple of years ago I found out that my favorite cousin is an INTJ also - that is a special link between us.  Because I have had to work with all types of people (I wrote training materials in industry), I can put up with most folks, but my true friends are few and far between.  It would be interesting to find out which type some of my friends are and then think about how much time I can put up with them!  Some of my friends  I have gone on trips with and would love to do that again; others, a few hours and then I need to go home and rest of a few days - especially the real extraverts! 

It seems that my best friends have happened by accident and were having the same complaints that we are having here: few friends.  So maybe we do need to start a club.  Plus I'm still looking for that special INFJ male for me - who knows what my first husband was!

Byron Ray Conn (not verified) says...

I am a 24 year old male. My 3ntire life I have had problems connecting with people. It's not that I don't get them; they have problems relating to me and my unpredictable nature t4uns them off. I have never thought of myself as INTJ but the description makes sense. What doesn't is my bipolar disorder; it is such a quandry to be anylytical and pondering but with limited control on the range of my emotions. I get mad or irritated easily and then I use the knowledge I have gleaned to make my point. I normally win, but I'm alone after. I have never had a gf and no true close friends. To be completely honest I believe it ain't going to happen; the evidence is there in the older INTJs and th3 younger ones seem to be repeating the cycle. I still have hope, but im vetting so tired i cant even contemplate well anymore. To those looking on ways to find fire d's the best advice I can give.you is honesty and sincere turned but at the same ti.3 mindfulness for the I the others predilections and feelings. I was in the Army (lol what a poor choice for me) and this was the. Lowest I ever came to true fri3ndship:both parties laid bare so as to have nothing but honesty. Good luck people.

SushiBoy (not verified) says...

Don't let natural tendencies hold you back! While I am very much an INTJ and find crowded places and superfulous conversation infuriating, you have to recognize the systems in which people function.

 

What I mean by this is: when I'm home, I'm very quiet and I'm content being so; however, I recognize at work there is a necessity to being outgoing, courteous, etc...and I adhere to it. Similarly, when I'm looking to make friends, I recognize the need to put myself in a position to meet others.

While I hate talking about myself, I've found that I can engage people by asking them questions about themselves. This A) allows me to learn about them B) drive the direction of the conversation somewhat, and C) demonstrates I'm interested (people love talking about themselves) through doing that, I can hopefully gleen enough of an insight to decide I want to keep chatting or move on.

 

Just remember, it is going to take effort on your part! Nothing worth doing is generally easy...that applies to relationships/friendships as well!

Finnegan Grey (not verified) says...

My best advice would be to follow your interests and passions and you will meet like-minded people. They are out there! But, interesting people take many forms other than INTJ. Go to a museum or gallery or book store, just to browse, or for an event, like a book signing or a new collection; take a class and talk to others in the class, including the professor/instructor; If you like music, learn an instrument, go to a local music store (if one still exists) and talk someone into joining you for a live event, even if it is just in a small venue or a coffee shop.  I know another INTJ who became interested in cooking, learning languages (German, French and Chinese) and became an amateur geologist and lapidarist (Stone cutting and polishing).  Allow your curiosity to roam. Who knows where it will lead? Do something that you haven't done before. INTJs like to explore. I am a voracious reader, but I do some of the exploration in the outside world too. Travel, even if it is just to a nearby city, or college town, or a neighborhood in the town where you already live.  Good luck!

boudoir says...

Your response matches closely to what I was going to write.

Don't look for friends, that doesn't work. but do go out there - engage with life itself. Other personality types are often attracted too us if we are not too closed up and focussed at the task ahead. 

I am 48 years old and INTJ with a very strong I (at almost 100%), and I've had periods in my life without friends, without a partner but was never bothered by it. First, I like solitude. Second, I have the deep inner knowledge/belief that 'change is the only constant' (although I often don't like change, as habits tend to give me a feeling of security), which means that whatever situation I am in will eventually evolve into something different and I will have to cope with that. If it is a feeling of loneliness as it is for you right now, just hang in a little longer and it will change. But do put yourself out there. Don't shut yourself out - life is there to be lived. Friends will appear without you trying or forcing.

T (not verified) says...

INTJ female too. I've at times lucked out and found a small group of people who seem to value me despite (or perhaps because of) my eccentricities, but this has usually happened quite by chance, with no recognisable patterns to try replicating in future. Being at uni helps, I guess, as there are pre-existent structures in place that make socialising easier, e.g. seminars or societies.

Two things I've realised in my (not particularly successful) friend-quest: (1). I generally need to be the one to follow up on an initial meeting (inviting someone I've spoken to for coffee or whatever). The obvious reason being that I'm not easy to read, and people I'd like to get to know can't necessarily tell that I'd like to get to know them. (2). Related to the first point: I need to consciously stop myself from over-analysing what people might think of me. Some of the follow-up coffees never go past that one follow-up coffee. Sometimes I need to invite myself along to social events or outings despite not knowing anyone very well. There WILL be silences, and I need to be comfortable enough with myself not to mind them. 

I've actually just moved to a new country, and haven't any real friends yet, apart from a girl I met whilst queuing alone for a rock-concert (going to gigs alone and queuing a few hours early is a brilliant way to meet new people with a shared taste in music, it seems).

jehanfrollo (not verified) says...

Hey. I'm an INTJ and I didn't really have any close friends for a long while for the same reasons you described, but the truth is society forces a lot of people to seem shallow to get through the day. I would suggest trying to talk a bit more with people who you think could be a bit more than what they're showing. Not everyone may have the same exact interests as you but they might bring a new perspective to the table and be deep and meaningful in their own way. Becoming friends with those you are already in contact with is the easiest, so try to give the people around you a closer look. Also if you're just looking to try and talk about a specific thing that interests you, I think there are internet forums for that. Try chatting on them and you may become friends after a few interesting conversations. 

Lilly Elsa (not verified) says...

I agree with Grey, I would suggest that you learn a foreign language, and find people to practice with. I have experienced this problem, but I can't say I have solved it. However, for myself learning foreign languages was helpful because it gave me something to talk about with a variety of people. Also, learning foreing languages can make waiting in line infitely more entertaining. I am also an INTJ woman, and I can say having dated an INTJ man (I didn't tell him I was an INTJ) that it is not necessarily a good thing to have company of people who are similar to you. 

Louis Bishop (not verified) says...

Being an older INTJ, I thought I might have some seasoned experience to relate with finding friends...... OK, maybe not.  However, I do believe INTJs have to socialize if for no other reason than to keep from becoming the really quirky asocial types no one will ever want to associate with.  So, what is the need? The purpose?  How much do we need to fill the empty space?  If we are typical INTJ's we probably become bored easily talking with most people.  There has to be purpose to create or maintain the interest. So, what interests or passions you have should probably reveal the chance for friendship.  For example, mine is art.  Out of character, but I am passionate about it.  Not painting the 'pretty' picture, but delving into the psyche type of art.  Sort of bringing the inside out narrative type of art steeped in a background of philosophy, history, etc.  Obviously, my art can get a bit esoteric and downright weird, but, some people, mostly artists, really like it. It creates a common interest with those few people I can relate to and never get tired of.  And out of that I can create friendsips with a rare few that have meaning for me.  My point is if you are pursuing an interest you will probably have a better chance finding friendship which can open doors to more.  I think the other key is to force yourself to socialize within that framework, as  a comfort level so you can 'shine'.  Of course, I give this advice as an INTJ who hasn't gone much beyond that point and without much success at a more romantically serious level.  Grain of salt.

INTJGirl (not verified) says...

INTJ women don't make friends the traditional way; casually.  When about your age, I learned I could make friends with just about any person or group I chose, but I had to choose.  Non INTJ's don't know what to do with us.  They are baffled by the messages we send and as a result usually keep us at distance.  Don't expect to find people who fully "get" you.  As an INTJ woman you are approx. 1% of the female population.  AND because of your special make up, 35% of the female population are naturally oriented to dislike you and you them.  That said, may I recommend that you decide why and for what purpose you'd like to have friends and find people who meet your criteria.   Remember men will often be faster and more true friends to the INTJ female.  Use your INTJ smarts to relate to them in a way that makes them feel comfortable without sacraficing your genuine nature.  Nurture those relationships like you would nurture a plant or a special project.  These people will come to value and love your special quirky ways.  True story:  After three years of working on a ship solo, with no friends, I one day looked around the employee cafe and selected a group of people who ate together every day and decided I would become a part of that group.  Within 3 weeks I had made genuine and lasting friendships with the people around that table.  INTJ women are different.  We have to choose.  People want to like us, they just need help figuring out how.  We have to understand that our terms are unaccessible to others.  If you don't like partying, cool.  Find a group that likes to go to concerts or museums, race cars or whatever.  Extend invitations.  Smile.  Look people in the eye.  Listen.  None of these things are natural to us and it sucks our energy, but remember - INTJ women create the world around us.  We have to.  We are like aliens walking a strange planet.  BTW, I am now in my 50's.  I have many friends for different parts of my life with whom I engage on my terms; intermitently.  The people who need constent tending fall away - we just don't have the energy to retain them.  The ones who value a truly amazing, deep thinking, smart, honest, caring woman stay around for years and years.  Best of luck!  Now go find your friends!

BuffaloGal (not verified) says...

I learned that I was an INTJ in college, and was fascinated learning about it. You and I are very much alike, or so it seems. I have about 4 "close" friends - for me "close" means we see eachother sometimes, maybe hand out for a couple of hours, go and get drinks. I was raised very sheltered and strictly, without affection. Felt starved for affection. Verbally and physically abusive dad with a 1950s Al Bundy view of women. Spend my childhood trying to please, which was never going to happen. Was only ever praised briefly for academic achievement, so I got perfect grades to try to keep my parents love. But that is shallow and hollow. In college I was still like a child, chasing the love and apprval that I needed and never received. When I had a boyfriend I was with him for a year or more, but then took very long breaks of 5-9 years in-between. Don't believe in dating around, don't do hookups with random dudes who want to use girls ar drag them along. Always figured maybe one day I would meet a good man, but not really looking. Now I am just being selfish, being myself, learning who I naturally am (nature/personality/temperament) vs. who I was environmentally conditioned (nurtured) to be.

I was never permitted to be myself. Now I am completely selfish and focus on myself and put myself first. I get insight into me and work to develop myself and my skills.

While I have friends now, I was always socially akward. Growing up, I did not know that 95% of people are primarily emotional (not intellectual). They make emotional decisions, not logical ones. And we INTJs don't always rank high in "likeability," not the life of the party or social butterflies, so that means we aren't likely going to buddy up with the "other 95%". We are going to resonate well with other logical people like ourselves, and finding the is difficult. They are probably not down at the bar on a Friday night with a group of friends. They are at home building in the wood shop, or designing stuff of the computer. I spent my early years feeling very much alone, and being ostracized and bullied from elementary, through junior high, to high school. In high school, when I saw classmates flip their hair or bat their eyelashes at boys, or pretend to be cold to score a jock's letterman jacket, I was like, "Don't they see through it? Don't they get how fake these girls are? Disgusting. What about me?" Most of the guys seemed to get drawn into the rehearsed, toxicly-feminine, stereotyped posturing acted out by the "popular girls". Why didn't they dig a "real" chick like me?

A weakness of INTJ's seems to be our ability to be percieved as hip, groovy, cool, rad, chill, or hot. I guess we will never be the life of the party. We may be snubbed as dorks, nerds, dweebs, or the mysterious "other". We are rare and very unique, an esoteric set associated in popular culture with wacky themes such as an secret societies and unspecified "illuminati", a so-called new world order, The Founders, the "elite", isolated examples of genius, secret plots, etc. Point is, 95% of people just don't "get" us. An they never will. But we get orselves, one amongst another. So finding others like ourselves is the key to interest-based friendships. Yeah, we make friends based on common interests, not on feelings. Living a life based on something as shallow as feelings, while INTJs often feel things very deeply, is not the way we rumble. In fact, it is probably inconcievable. All we can do is listen and nod and repeat back what the 95% just said, cuz to be honest, it seems exotic and just doesn't click. Although we are fascinated by, perhaps even envious of, that dapper dandy working the room who knows everybody on a first name basis and is friend with everybody - except for us.

You may be depressed and feel lonely because you don't have friends. You don't see any point in going out to bars and getting drunk, getting picked up by some random dude, and then to repeat it the next week. Yeah, pretty shallow and pointless. But probably no to them and their feelings-based life. But the risk of STD's, and the irresponsible behavior, and women acting like cheap man-toys - it is just unfathomable to the self-respecting INTJ who makes logical desicions, not feely ones. Andif the other 95% reads this, it would hurt their feelings. Hopefully only an INTJ will read this.

I think if you get into the right workplace with like-minded people, you could meet people and makefriends, maybe even a romantic partner.Good luck!

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