I'm an 22 year old INTJ female. Right now I don't have any friends. I just graduated from college, and while there everyone around me seemed very shallow- just wanted to party and go on Facebook, etc. Could somebody please tell me where I can go to make friends? I've browsed through Meetup, and every event on that seems too general. I would say that my interests are very particular. I've also never been kissed or in a relationship. 

Comments

Lovely (not verified) says...

How particular? What are your interests?

It's hard to find people you want to be friends with as an INTJ female, but it's possible. I have a hard time making friends too, but thankfully I have sisters and for the most part we are close. I'd say be open to finding a friend that might be really different from you. One of my best friends is extraverted and very social, but her openness and how genuine she is meshes well with me. We've bumped heads a few times because of our personality differences, but I wouldn't change her and she wouldn't change me. I met her through an organization we were both in, so if there are any orgs in your town you feel strongly about, that's another good way to meet people.

Guest (not verified) says...

I'm INTJ .24 year old. Life is too short. Make your own big schema to impress people around of you. It will be fine.

Nathan (not verified) says...

Hey - I also score and identify as INTJ, and I definitely share that feeling of social isolation. You may be surprised to find that other people share similar interests with you. Maybe you could start your own meetup based on one of your interests? I've heard that INTJ's can step into leadership roles when they have a particular vision, and see no one else stepping up to make it happen. I've led a couple meetups and (data science, music jams), and although some of them were a little awkward (because I didn't plan enough), I had a good time, met some cool people, and was generally glad that I did it. Give it a shot. Making friends is definitely hard, but know that almost everyone I know, including myself, struggles with making friends. That's good news though, because it means there are lots of people out there who want to meet more people and make new friends. Let us know how it goes! - Nathan

Nathan

JessicaRabbit (not verified) says...

I too am an INTJ female. Friends for us are rare. I'm 45 and have rarely had more than one friend at a time. And if I'm in a relationship, he's the friend. The closest thing to friendship I have now is work relationships and family.

I'm just too different I guess. I don't get invites from the cool kids, I get them from the well to do ladies...but I'm more of a bad girl than they'll ever be. It's quite the quandary. 

That's why I pretty much satisfy my need for adult companionship through work, my boyfriend, and my children.

Creanovativenigma says...

INTJ here

I relate, although I do very much prefer my solitude. I wouldn't say where to find and go make friends. It just happens. 

In the places you usually go to chill, you may find some people there. I usually go to libraries or bookstores and bump into people who catch my interest or vice versa with the type of book bring looked at it read. Asking about their perspective on the book helps, too. I guess for most INTJs we don't like small talk as we prefer to get into deep conversations in subjects that pique our interest.

 

You'd be surprised how many INTJs you'll find on this site.

ProjectEvolove.com

Amandafnq (not verified) says...

Why don't you try a Christian Church, being a traditional personality you might enjoy it and they could really use your skills to organise things. Because you are a thinking personality, as a woman, a lot of feeling personalities might feel you are sometimes harsh, this is not a problem! You have been created this way for a reason and you are here for a unique purpose! Don't form your opinion of yourself on what you experienced at school, this is the real world now and people will see you for your true worth, you just need to get involved with the correct community groups. One of my good friends is the same personality as you, sometimes I found her a bit harsh, but she has a heart of gold and is a wonderful mother. Ox

LEGION (not verified) says...

INTJs typically find the thought of church/god repulsive. 

Monica Luketich (not verified) says...

I'm a 61 yr old INTJ, and I agree with you about the small number of us there are.  A couple of years ago I found out that my favorite cousin is an INTJ also - that is a special link between us.  Because I have had to work with all types of people (I wrote training materials in industry), I can put up with most folks, but my true friends are few and far between.  It would be interesting to find out which type some of my friends are and then think about how much time I can put up with them!  Some of my friends  I have gone on trips with and would love to do that again; others, a few hours and then I need to go home and rest of a few days - especially the real extraverts! 

It seems that my best friends have happened by accident and were having the same complaints that we are having here: few friends.  So maybe we do need to start a club.  Plus I'm still looking for that special INFJ male for me - who knows what my first husband was!

Byron Ray Conn (not verified) says...

I am a 24 year old male. My 3ntire life I have had problems connecting with people. It's not that I don't get them; they have problems relating to me and my unpredictable nature t4uns them off. I have never thought of myself as INTJ but the description makes sense. What doesn't is my bipolar disorder; it is such a quandry to be anylytical and pondering but with limited control on the range of my emotions. I get mad or irritated easily and then I use the knowledge I have gleaned to make my point. I normally win, but I'm alone after. I have never had a gf and no true close friends. To be completely honest I believe it ain't going to happen; the evidence is there in the older INTJs and th3 younger ones seem to be repeating the cycle. I still have hope, but im vetting so tired i cant even contemplate well anymore. To those looking on ways to find fire d's the best advice I can give.you is honesty and sincere turned but at the same ti.3 mindfulness for the I the others predilections and feelings. I was in the Army (lol what a poor choice for me) and this was the. Lowest I ever came to true fri3ndship:both parties laid bare so as to have nothing but honesty. Good luck people.

SushiBoy (not verified) says...

Don't let natural tendencies hold you back! While I am very much an INTJ and find crowded places and superfulous conversation infuriating, you have to recognize the systems in which people function.

 

What I mean by this is: when I'm home, I'm very quiet and I'm content being so; however, I recognize at work there is a necessity to being outgoing, courteous, etc...and I adhere to it. Similarly, when I'm looking to make friends, I recognize the need to put myself in a position to meet others.

While I hate talking about myself, I've found that I can engage people by asking them questions about themselves. This A) allows me to learn about them B) drive the direction of the conversation somewhat, and C) demonstrates I'm interested (people love talking about themselves) through doing that, I can hopefully gleen enough of an insight to decide I want to keep chatting or move on.

 

Just remember, it is going to take effort on your part! Nothing worth doing is generally easy...that applies to relationships/friendships as well!

Finnegan Grey (not verified) says...

My best advice would be to follow your interests and passions and you will meet like-minded people. They are out there! But, interesting people take many forms other than INTJ. Go to a museum or gallery or book store, just to browse, or for an event, like a book signing or a new collection; take a class and talk to others in the class, including the professor/instructor; If you like music, learn an instrument, go to a local music store (if one still exists) and talk someone into joining you for a live event, even if it is just in a small venue or a coffee shop.  I know another INTJ who became interested in cooking, learning languages (German, French and Chinese) and became an amateur geologist and lapidarist (Stone cutting and polishing).  Allow your curiosity to roam. Who knows where it will lead? Do something that you haven't done before. INTJs like to explore. I am a voracious reader, but I do some of the exploration in the outside world too. Travel, even if it is just to a nearby city, or college town, or a neighborhood in the town where you already live.  Good luck!

boudoir says...

Your response matches closely to what I was going to write.

Don't look for friends, that doesn't work. but do go out there - engage with life itself. Other personality types are often attracted too us if we are not too closed up and focussed at the task ahead. 

I am 48 years old and INTJ with a very strong I (at almost 100%), and I've had periods in my life without friends, without a partner but was never bothered by it. First, I like solitude. Second, I have the deep inner knowledge/belief that 'change is the only constant' (although I often don't like change, as habits tend to give me a feeling of security), which means that whatever situation I am in will eventually evolve into something different and I will have to cope with that. If it is a feeling of loneliness as it is for you right now, just hang in a little longer and it will change. But do put yourself out there. Don't shut yourself out - life is there to be lived. Friends will appear without you trying or forcing.

T (not verified) says...

INTJ female too. I've at times lucked out and found a small group of people who seem to value me despite (or perhaps because of) my eccentricities, but this has usually happened quite by chance, with no recognisable patterns to try replicating in future. Being at uni helps, I guess, as there are pre-existent structures in place that make socialising easier, e.g. seminars or societies.

Two things I've realised in my (not particularly successful) friend-quest: (1). I generally need to be the one to follow up on an initial meeting (inviting someone I've spoken to for coffee or whatever). The obvious reason being that I'm not easy to read, and people I'd like to get to know can't necessarily tell that I'd like to get to know them. (2). Related to the first point: I need to consciously stop myself from over-analysing what people might think of me. Some of the follow-up coffees never go past that one follow-up coffee. Sometimes I need to invite myself along to social events or outings despite not knowing anyone very well. There WILL be silences, and I need to be comfortable enough with myself not to mind them. 

I've actually just moved to a new country, and haven't any real friends yet, apart from a girl I met whilst queuing alone for a rock-concert (going to gigs alone and queuing a few hours early is a brilliant way to meet new people with a shared taste in music, it seems).

jehanfrollo (not verified) says...

Hey. I'm an INTJ and I didn't really have any close friends for a long while for the same reasons you described, but the truth is society forces a lot of people to seem shallow to get through the day. I would suggest trying to talk a bit more with people who you think could be a bit more than what they're showing. Not everyone may have the same exact interests as you but they might bring a new perspective to the table and be deep and meaningful in their own way. Becoming friends with those you are already in contact with is the easiest, so try to give the people around you a closer look. Also if you're just looking to try and talk about a specific thing that interests you, I think there are internet forums for that. Try chatting on them and you may become friends after a few interesting conversations. 

Lilly Elsa (not verified) says...

I agree with Grey, I would suggest that you learn a foreign language, and find people to practice with. I have experienced this problem, but I can't say I have solved it. However, for myself learning foreign languages was helpful because it gave me something to talk about with a variety of people. Also, learning foreing languages can make waiting in line infitely more entertaining. I am also an INTJ woman, and I can say having dated an INTJ man (I didn't tell him I was an INTJ) that it is not necessarily a good thing to have company of people who are similar to you. 

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