Hello folks, I'm a 25 yrs INTJ trying to find some light in this existence. English is not my first languange so I hope it is understandble. I am at my ''best moment'' of my life (Financially independent, living in paradise, healthy, etc.. too subjective, but it will help to understand) However I have to hardly force myself to feel happy/grateful. Thinking by myself, it makes me wonder that everything is related to personal connections. It is unpleasant to talk about my issues because I know how privileged I am, but here we go. I find really difficult to connect to people in general, but especially in regards to deep intimacy. I'm not used to express my genuine feelings through language and it is natural to me to ''hide'' my emotions. I don't want to cover everything, so I will go directly to the point.. I've learned how to enjoy my ''unique qualities'' in social gatherings (to ready bodylanguage, to hear almost everything, to observe patterns etc) but lately (always have but you got it) I'm having trouble with dating.  It seems that my ''mysterious vibe''  and my physical apearence (for me I am just a ''normal guy'') intrigues people (literally all kind of people). I've had to learn ''social skills'' (tons of sources) to compensate my lack of extroversion, so I'm aware of my bodylanguage, voice tonality, eye contact etc. However, I feel that my mind works so logically that I find hard to start a conversation even to women who are clearly ''open'' or sexually interested . It seems that I have to know them very well before I make it personal. So I usually end up alone in my 'bubble' 'even when I desire to socialize. I don't care that much anymore, but obviously my ''ego'' feels when I hear stuff like ''he got some problem'', ''he is definitely gay'' , ''this guy is always by himself'' etc I had one girlfriend in my life (for 3 years, probably also an INTJ) , some other short  relationships and several one night stand (mostly they approached ) . Any thoughts on this ''case''? Feel free to ask details , my thought process, or anything..


INTJ-she (not verified) says...

As a INTJ female I may have a slightly different perspective than the average female or a male INTJ.  The best advise I can give you is to offer some encouragement, let them know you are engaged and interested.  Take a personal interest, as them about themselves.  This is very difficult for INTJs since we tend to keep our feelings very close to the vest.  We don't want to appear foolish, and vulnerable.  Talk to them establish a good mental connetion, and then offer some affirmation. 

There is an INTJ male I have been interested in for a long time and share a mental connection with.  Recently I've decided to emotionally walk away from him since there is no evidence of him having any real regard for me.  He talks to me frequently and the conversations are deep.  But there is no real affirmation, he doesn't ask me anything personal, or how I'm doing.  It's all about topics I enjoy discussing like science, politics, current events.  But a lack of the personal has lead me to believe there is nothing more than a intellectual compatibility based on a shared interest in those topics.  I'm not saying this is what you are doing, but it might be worth a personal examination to see if possibly you are not being obvious enough for the object of your affection to know that you do infact care for them. 

If it is any consulation you are not allone, interpersonal relationships for INTJs are our Aquillias' heel.  Best of luck!

poopstain (not verified) says...

I have had similar experiences. Starting with the ego, I would suggest meditating to eleveate the effects it has on your actions and decision making. It will always have impact, but usually its not a positive one and you can work on dulling said impact. As I would expect an INTJ to do, you have clearly done quite a bit of communications research and real world testing to amend your faults. What it comes down to is a lack of perspective from you in my opinion. What I mean by that is you clearly approach it as a task rather than an oppportunity. In fact, you even refer to your situation as a "case." Although knowing body language and tonality is great in assessing a social situation, it is likely ungrounding you from the situation. You're not living in the moment but instead analysing the moment. This is not a bad thing in my opinion, but notice how you never know what to say to open a conversation with a woman? It's not just because your mind works logically, it's because you've become ungrounded thus disconnecting mind and body leading you to freeze up, they work together man. 

You meet a girl and she's pretty, her body language and eye contact suggest she is confident and her occasional smiles give you the idea she may be interested in you. You want to say something but these are the only things you notice and you obviously can't talk about these things in a casual manner that isn't off putting to most people. Or can you? There are plenty of ways to go about this. One thing I've noticed is when people have great posture (likely because I try to work on mine). So through some experimenting, I started complimenting people on details like posture that I've noticed about them, which most people don't notice at all. All you have to do is state what you think, but you have to state it like a typical INTJ, like you know what you're talking about because its likely you know extensively what you're talking about. So another example. If you're into fashion, and you notice an attractive woman with qualities you find admirable is nearby and you want her number or want to ask her out, give her a compliment on what she's wearing (if what she's wearing is worth a compliment, don't stray from what you think). INTJ's shy away from their best quality in social situations, which is being direct and honest. In a world where most people like to play the game of "she said this, so I should say this." Brutal honesty and unforgiving directness can actually be very very endearing. A simple, HONEST compliment on her appearance, her cadence, whatever it may be would do wonders. Add the fact that you're mysterious to most women as am I from what I can gather, and after a few minutes of talking to you some might end up feeling very refreshed by your personality. Beware though, most people love to talk about themselves, and very rarely do you come across one that is a breathe of fresh air to you as well. 

Referring back to honesty, my girlfriend has told me that she values my opinion on things incredibely because she knows I won't say what she wants to hear every single time she asks me something, even if it may upset her. She also knows that if I say something, I mean what I say and the way I said it. I'm not saying if your girl goes "Does this dress make me look fat" you say "yes dear." What I'm saying is, if you have a thought, and that thought is valid (to you), and the time and place is right to reveal that thought, let 'er rip son. I often compliment my girlfriend on her shoes because I know she tries to match her shoes with her outfits really well. So if I think (in my limited fashion knowledge) that she made a great choice. I'll say something like "Babe you look great, those shoes were a great idea." Another way of starting a conversation is to become more funny. Most people think being funny is natural, and to an extent they are right. I would add on to that, that everyone is capable of being funny. Maybe not universally, but there's a niche for everyone. From what I've noticed, INTJ's can work at being funny because of the analysation aspect of the personality type in relations to environment or surroundings. I've had great success with some (in my opinion) killer one-liners with groups of people at once, and that alone shoots your stock up and makes for easier conversation with people. So don't stop at learning just what social ques to be aware of, but instead learn what ques to project.

And not that it matters, but I was right there with you in highschool man. My lack of a sex life was dissected my senior year in front of like 6 people and I had no answer for "Why haven't you dated anyone" because I was already pretty funny, an athlete etc. I just didn't know how to communicate with people on an intimate level. Well, I was actually more afraid to be honest haha. To be straight up, I still have a lot of trouble communicating authentically in group situations. I do alright with 3-4 people when I know the majority of them, but I do far worse in situations where I know maybe only 1 person, because I know how authenticity and an unwaivering personality can come off as douchey etc. This is what I'm working on for my own growth right now.


Say what's on your mind. Don't be afraid to mess up or say something wrong, not everything is a test. The sooner you realize you can benefit from being over analytical even in social situations, the better. Become more grounded, and use that analytical talent your advantage not by manipulation but by implication. You giving an attractive girl a compliment as an attractive guy does give off the vibe your interested, which is what you're looking for. It also loosens them up to be more receptive to conversation with you knowing you're not some weirdo with a blowup doll collection back home. Hope some of this helped, best of luck.

heravih says...

thank you

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