I am a female INTJ in my late teens. Several years ago, I got into a relationship with a male INFP who is slightly older than myself. He had moved away for much of that time, but recently moved back for college, and I want to know as much as I can about INTJ INFP relationships. There doesn't seem to be much information regarding the INTJ/INFP dynamic, especially in romantic relationships. From the little I have read, it seems INFPs are prone to like INTJs, but their interest is mainly unrequited.
Some things I have noticed from my personal experience: He sometimes takes my bluntness or lack of passion personally, and his sensitivity can be a hindrance to communication, but we have such wonderful conversations,similar interests, and a deep desire to understand each other. Before we became romantically involved, we knew each other as acquaintances and then friends since we were quite young, because we grew up in the same small town.
Can anyone give a deeper explanation or some anecdotes regarding the interaction between this(unlikely?)pair?
Thank you.


AMH (not verified) says...

I am also a female INTJ, and while I have never been in a relationship with an INFP, I have always wondered if this pairing would work. I just did some research, and overall it seems that this pairing is feasible, as long as the two communicate effectively with each other and have similar interests/goals. I hope that the following links help:


The INTJ/INFP compatibility section is near the end of this article

This article explains why INFPs are attracted to others, including INTJs

Positive: In your post you wrote that before dating him you were friends, the two of you have similar interests, and both of you enjoy conversing and learning about each other.
Negative: However, there are communication issues between you two sometimes.
Solution: Does he know about the different personality types? I think that if he read about the INTJ type he would understand you better and would realize that you don't mean to offend him.

Ladybird Abroad (not verified) says...

Goodness, personality junkie indeed.  It's so easy to over analyse all this stuff.  I'm 21 years into dedciated single life and have yet to meet a person that I would consider as a partner (that is actually available).  Happy?  You bet.

Original Poster (not verified) says...

AMH, thank you very much for your articles and research.
In your solution you asked if he knows about personality type-
the answer is, kind of. I have explained to him briefly about Meyers-Briggs, but he isn't especially interested in psychology.I thought that was strange, because as an Fi dom. He should care about self exploration. I did however, tell him that 99.9% of the time I don't mean to hurt people when I say things, and that seemed to help.

vrom (not verified) says...

I'm an INFP male in a relationship with an INTJ female. We are bother relatively young but we have a deep understanding for each other just like it seemed you did in your relationship. We see the world quite differently and have different views on many issues but we agree on the important stuff which matters most. We both love to talk about ethics, morality, and philosophical theories for hours on end. We both need our alone time and respect that so there is no miscommunication there when we don't see each other for a few days. I will say that we share a similar sense of humor, which is key for our steadiness and cannot be understated in a relationship. This is especially important because both of our personalities tend to stray on the slighlty more serious side more so than not. I'm very in tune with my Ne and that bridges the gap when we have discussions about politics and so forth. This is because I love to pick her brain and ask questions and don't take everything she says too seriously if I was only operating with my Fi. If i did take her word at face value and internalize it, than we would probably be in constant disagreement and tension. I'm very romantic and improvisational with my affection and she is more subtle and methodical with her ways of expressing her love. It's very important to be aware of how your partner naturally communicates, especially their affection, as it makes you more connected for a more smooth understanding of eachothers' motives.  I'd be happy to anwer any questions you have on this even though I'm far from an expert and only an active participant in this topic and continuously learning. Thanks.

Juhi says...

I am a INFP female married to an INTJ male, and actually it work well if both are ready to give up their competitive side for the sake of the relationship. We have a daughter who is an ISFJ, and i can say after so many years thogeter this is definitely not easy relationship. Althought we understand eachother (because you 't deny those are some akward personalities), we disagree in a lot of things; I think it those two really love eachother they can work very well since one complement the other. When we were very young it was actually easier because INTJ are more carefree when they are teenagers.. Well we are a Aquarius and Capricorn so i can easily say it is a stereotype relationship. Sometimes us INFP want to be treated like kids, and INTJ have no time for that **** (in their opinion), It hurt for us sensitives to me left aside but i guess it can be fixed it you guys REALLY like each other i mean REALLY ;) ... i hope it helps

Finnegan Grey says...

Speaking as a male INTJ, in an LTR with a female INFP, I can confirm that it can work -- very well, in fact. We were best friends first, then in a relationship, and now married for quite some time. Long, passionate/intellectual intense conversations and shared interests are a good start. The level of "mind link" that can develop may surprise you, and even be a bit spooky. But it's great.


But there are differences. INFP may want a love poem, and INTJ will deliver an 18 point manifesto on "why we are great together".  INTJs may not seem like it, but they do have emotions, and express them with loyalty and helping to optimize things in your life. INFPs can be a bit daydreamy, but have a creative and caring impulse, which is very good with kids. If you ever share living arrangements, the house/apartment may get a bit messy with two Introverts, but it will usually be the INTJ that reaches their limit first, and breaks into a fit of cleaning/organizing. When that happens, pitching in is most appreciated. Please let the INTJ help/take the lead with matters that involve planning and scheduling, such as thinking about career goals, organizing holiday travel, large purchases or just paying the bills.  INFP can help INTJ be more tactful, find balance, and navigate their own and other people's emotions. I could give 100 other examples. Communication is critical. The TJ / FP pairing makes for valuable compensations in some ways, if you can maimize your strengths and get it to work right.

Lori Turner (not verified) says...

A female INTJ here, happily married to an INFP for 13 years, with two kids. We were friends for 2 years, then dated for 2.5 years before we got married. We move slow, in all parts of life. But I will never forget the realization that we both had when we met: here’s a person who can talk & listen as long as I can! It’s a fantastic gift, this deep, conversational, intellectual connection. 

I always suggest that couples learn the MBTI system together. This understanding helped us get the through the bumps in the relational road.  The T/F is our greatest source of trouble. However, the tools we have access to in MBTI have allowed us to work through those misunderstandings. The most important thing for my INTJ personal growth has been humility - developing this character trait will lead to greater trust and openness in the relationship. For instance, when INFP is upset about something you said or did, humility is willingness to engage their emotions rather than treat them them as irrelevant; humility is willingness to to give them time & space to emote, rather than demand they get over it/move on; humility is willingness to really try to see where you may have been in the wrong and say I’m sorry. 

I do these things imperfectly after years of working on it. What I DON’T do is try to shut INFP down, or try to move on from it before he’s ready. 😉 

Take your time. Maturity and character growth don’t happen over night. 

Thea (not verified) says...

I'm a INTJ female dating an INFP male. I love him to bits he's my best friend, my snuggle buddy, my intellectual sparring partner, he's the best in bed I've ever encountered as he's so egar to please me, he is a great listener, extreamly loving and loyal. 

Now for the negitives although not bad at all can rub a less mature INTJ up, I've found he can be quite insecure and god knows why outwardly he portrays as a strong alpha male type, great looking and strong but behind closed doors he's a great big teddy bear just dying for love an attention alllll the time, sometimes I need my space and no matter which way I say this it hurts his feelings. My sarcastic sense of humour and bluntness can cause minor communication issues because he can be quite sensitive but thankfully we are both 35 and read much about our types to recgonise this, talk and figure out how we can both better communicate. I'm learning to be more tactful and him, not taking things so personally.

He doesn't take losing to chess to well and will quickly want to stop playing what I enjoy and am good at, to what he wants to do and is better than me at, I find this cute though. Example- when we met I had a guitar, i knew how to play alittle but not much, after our first date he went out and brought a guitar, 6 month on he is ripping licks way better than me (I have little time to practice having a 2yr old, not his, around) I encourage this greatness and find it attractive. I will then watch him for a moment or two and copy what he's spent weeks learning, this doesn't go down to well lol I sense he finds it annoying but he never says, just goes away and learns something even harder haha still can' beat me at chess though. :) 

Things get easier and better the more he learns my ways and I learn his. I've  never had such a deeply loving and committed relationship with someone who litrally adores me from the tip of my toes all the way up to my head and I him. The few kinks that have arose he's always been willing to listen, learn and grow with me.  I love my infp male.

INFPs are high maintenance when it comes to emotional needs and unless your a mature intj willing to invest and make room in your life for someone who needs alot of time and love then this probably won't work for you. If i leave to have alone time from him for too long he can get mardy and distant. Although this soon bounces back when you grab them for a snuggle. Hope this helps. Feel free to ask me any questions.

Sheena (not verified) says...

From the many articles i've read one mentioned that male Intj's and female infp's work better. Together. Also, being that I'm an infp female and in  my 30s and he is slightly older than I am.This from my experience, has greater benefits because of the factors mentioned. Age and experience with past relationships helps a great deal (or   at least for me considering us infp's need experience dumbing down our oversensitivity and discovering what works best for our overbearing ideals at times).Intj's  I believe,  catch on a lot quicker due to prior strategizing from  my experience. I've dated several people over the years (almost every mbti types minus other nf types) and I've found that my intj is by far the most compatible to my liking. He is interested in self-growth, highly intelligent, has the ability to understand my outward connections to the outside world and make them more practical to everyone else's liking,  nonconfrontational, doesnt require other peoples opinions before making decisions, and the list goes on.  I benefit him by unraveling the importance of being personable  to others for his career growth, accepting his lack of emotional intelligence while seeing this as a means of "helping him" on an emotional level (this is my perception not his). His biggest compliment toward me in our 4 years of our relationship is "getting him" in a way that no one has been able to. After many prior relationships on my behalf, he was the pearl flung from the shell into the many grains of sand.

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